Monday, September 24, 2007

   T-T ..... Yeah, I found out about life...
Yeah, life sucks!!! Ummm... It's also not fair!!! And, ummm... Yeah, my love life is ruined... And, yeah... I'm just plain screwed... There were some good things that happened, but mostly bad. Here are the things that happened in about four months... It all started in the summer. I was going over to my friend's, Dani's (ItRainsOnSaturn), house. She showed me this site, TheOtaku, and introduced me to her boyfriend, Nick (sesshomaru134.55). She told me to call him, so I did. Then he started calling me. He said he liked me and stuff, and, I don't know how, but I started to like him back. He's a freakin' girl magnet and he knows how a girl's mind works. Anyway, he hipnotized me into liking him. I wanted to tell Allissa (Unforg1ven S1ns), my best friend, about him. I three-way called them both up. She started liking him now, thinking his voice was hot, and at this moment, I was aiming for someone at school that I liked. So, I was thinking, he'll say he likes her and she'll like him back and she'll finally get a boyfriend. I was feeling happy for her, being ignorant, not knowing that I loved her (Yes, I'm gay... Or lesbian... Or bi-sexual... Whatever you call it... You got a problem with that?). Anyway, so eventually she starts to go out with Nick. Well, Nick didn't break up with Dani. So, they find out from me that their boyfriend is cheating on them (I can't keep secrets!). They start a big fight. They get over it. End of fight. Okay, now, Nick stops talking to Dani. Nick hangs out more with Allissa. Allissa gets obsessed (Witch is not a good thing. Obsession is not the same as love!). She constantly talkes about him. They both fuck him. Anyway, I started figuring out that I was jealous of Nick. I found out that I loved Allissa. Figuring this out, I ask Nick if he could get Allissa to kiss me. Well, that went good and well and she said she was gonna kiss me. Well, I couldn't stand making her do something she wouldn't want to do, so I told her that I told Nick to order her to kiss me. Well, instead of not doing it, she says that my reward for telling her is a kiss. Well, I got one all right! It was like, twenty-million, not one, and they were all deep and... And... Awsome... Anyway, the next morining, I get my heart broken. She tries to stay away from me and tells me I should get a girlfriend or a boyfriend or whatever. I thought, God, she hates me now! Well, later, she tells Nick. He dosn't believe her, yadda, yadda. He eventually does, or whatever. Then, later, Allissa says that the kiss was horrible. How do I know I'm not a good kisser? It's not my fault! This was my first kiss! And it was her's too. She said she didn't feel anything, which is horrible for a first kiss. A few weeks earlier, when she spent the night at my house, she was holding my hand, too... Anyway, she gets more obsessed with Nick and I'm more depressed than ever. School starts. The people I know seem to just hate me and I'm wanting to walk out of the closet any second. It's hard keeping a secret and I don't know what the big deal is, anyway. The 'friends' I used to have don't act the same to me. I feel like an outcast. I'm now the quiet, scary one. I hate school worse than my house, which is rare. Meanwhile, my best friend starts making friends and stuff, when she was the one who didn't have any. Then, one day, she says she hates me and stuff. She wants to ex-friend me. A bunch of other stuff that makes my heart want to explode with anger and hate and sadness. Then, like yesterday, she comes to spend the night and Dani comes over. They both talk about Nick and torture me with bananas (don't ask me how). Then, Dani's upset 'cause Nick's not talking to her anymore. Allissa's having a blast. Allissa goes home and Dani and I have a pout-fest. I now hate Nick and was really close to running away from home. The thing is, I don't have a plan... Or, one that works... Anyway, I got to saying I hate Allissa. She makes me so mad! I don't know her anymore. She's gotten so much meaner. I am now depressed more than anything I've felt in the world and I'm just hoping I could die right here and now... Or, I'm also hoping that Allissa feels sorry for me and stops going out with him. All he does is make her cry. Then, everything changes last night and today. Last night, I had one of my old dreams. One of the scary ones about an old woman cutting my brains out and stuff. Finally! Not a sexual one! One of my old, wierd dreams! I feel a lot better after this because I hate how everything has changed and miss the old stuff. Then, I go to school, and all of my friends are talking to me! They're telling me stuff! I have the best day since I met Nick! I start loving my sister again! Not to mention that I have crushes on everyone again! I think, Ahh... The good old days! I feel wonderful! And now, I'm accepting life! How wonderful! I know life isn't fair! I know life sucks! Now I know! I love my family again, and I have my old friends back! And I deal with it! And I wonder, is this all because I'm mad at Allissa? Is it all because I said I hated her? Is five years enough? Is it enough time to be friends and then stop? I just wonder sometimes... Now, I'm feeling happy, but I don't know about tomorrow... I don't know about anything. I know Allissa is gonna read this, and she's gonna either get mad at me, or feel sad for me. Or just ignore me... I don't really know what's gonna happen... And I still like her a little bit... I just need plain help. Any suggestions? Therapy maybe? Pills? I think I have ADHD, so that might help. Or do I need to just talk to someone? No one else knows about this, so I guess I should talk to my mom about it... But what does everyone else think? ^-^, It would really help if I had advice! Thanks!
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