Friday, August 22, 2008

Well good almost afternoon.
Eh...I won't write much, because my fingers still hurt from being crushed by a door, and I don't feel like spending hours typing up a whole update yet.

Let's just say I've been taking stuff out of the medicine cabinet to calm myself down about tomorrow. I'm going to Oak's Park (an amusement park) with friends. And one of the people going is MATT. Just the THOUGHT of being near him makes me want to run and hide. Literally. I've actually already done that...today. As of now the only thing I've eaten all day has been 8 Ibuprofen pills and some chocolate syrup. :'D

Haven't eaten a decent meal in weeks...

But anyways, that's basically it, if you're wondering why the hell I want to avoid Matt like the plague, I'll tell you later.
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Monday, June 30, 2008

Hey, again! How's everybody doing =D ? I got some stuff to talk about to anyone who listens, so this might turn out to be a really long post. xD Like always, I'll break up each event into it's own paragraph, so you can just read selective things if you want, xD lol. So on with it~

1) Well, let's see, where to start...hm...right after my finals ended, I had gotten a text from Wouter (if you don't know who I'm talking about, go to the bottom of this post and read the whole story of who he is, how I met him, etc., or just read the post before this one). I'm always happy to get texts from him--since it's never very often (but the IMing, that's another story, haha). But when I opened it up...(note, I was still at school, it was the last day) I cried. He had been sent to the hospital. My worst fear of all. And I just broke down and cried. I didn't know when he was going to get back, or if he ever would. It tore horribly at my heart.
But to make it even worse, my friend, Matt, stepped in and comforted me. That was bad, very, very bad, since, somehow, we got "together". We were for a little while, then, when my birthday came around (June 14th, finals ended June 10th), I had sent Wouter an extremely long e-mail, telling him I might not be on for a while. I was trying to run. Run away from everything good that had become of meeting him. Even when I was trying to escape, the only thing I wanted for my birthday, was for Wouter to come back, be okay.
And well, hell, it happened. Only about five minutes after I sent the e-mail, he appears on yahoo. I was so happy, I just about cried (of course, my parents were in the room, so I withheld it). -_-;; He seemed to had forgotten to tell me he was only going to be there for about a week.
But on another note (still regarding this same event), I had to end it completely with Matt. It didn't feel right at all. Not because it was like being "unloyal" to Wouter, but...it just wasn't right to begin with. (Can't really explain it, it doesn't really make sense to me either). I also knew it had to end, because Matt told me he loved me. I don't love him. Not like that. I told him, and he said his heart was broken, but we're still friends, luckily. It's a bit awkward to be around him, though. (Woah, finally done with THIS event...lucky for you I didn't add in all the details!)

2) Wouter and I got in our first fight about a week ago. He was drunk as hell, telling me I was in love with the wrong person. It pissed me off. I retaliated. He said he wouldn't be on for a week, he needed a "vacation". He told me I would have to stand on my own two feet. Don't go to anyone, don't stop eating, don't starting cutting my arms up (again).
And I did as he told me to do the next day, because I wanted him to come back, and me having done everything right (unlike how I usually am). And I wanted him to be proud of me.
Funny thing is, I got on that same day, and let my yahoo sign on, even though I knew he wasn't going to be (I use it to know what I get messages from myspace). About an hour of being on (invisible to everyone), Wouter popped up. I couldn't believe my eyes. I IM'd him, asking why he was there, he said he wasn't going to be for a while.
Wouter told he WASN'T going to be on, but, when he got on the computer to find cheats for a game he was going to play with his friend, it started signing him on yahoo. It didn't let him sign OFF of it.
Strange how that always happens. When we first met, didn't talk for a while after that-- Starting talking again. Whenever he starts wondering where I am--I sign on yahoo. When I was wishing he was back from the hospital--he was back. And now this. After a fight, I missed him so much--and him computer, being the stupid-ass it is, signed him on yahoo.
We talked...though just barely. I told him how much it hurt, and we made up. Everything became just fine then.

3) Sadly, though, another night, only a couple of days ago, he got drunk and high as hell (again). He was telling me he was worthless, and a hell of a lot of other things too. This time I knew how to handle it. He didn't get off. We didn't fight.
But we did talk. And I mean LITERALLY talked about it.
(Damn, have I forgetten to mention that I now have a computer mic, so we can actual conversations, instead of just IMs? Jesus I have no memory...so yes, I have a mic, and we talk as much as we can!)
He told me how he was trying to get rid of me, to keep me from getting hurt. "Hell no, I'm not fucking leaving," that's pretty much what I told him. Then he told me, that I was "special" in a sort of way, that he hadn't left yet. Normally, people lose him very easily. He told me he would've been long gone by then if I didn't mean anything.
It was a great conversation, even though it had it's dark side, because we were alone. His mom was long gone, four towns away, and everyone at my house was asleep (except me of course). It was the first time I was alone in the house talking to him, so I was able to tell him I loved him. In real time.
That he is the best thing to ever happen to me, that I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life, that he was worth searching for, for the rest of my life.
...Sorry, I'm getting a bit gushy, aren't I? xD I always seem to ramble about him.

4) Weirdest thing ever...I've lost my appetite. I never feel hungry anymore. Nor do I ever have a desire to eat (though, I do because Wouter tells me I have to). I don't really know when it happened, but it just did. Like in the last two days, I've had probably...one and a half meals all together...and I'm not hungry.

5) I don't know if any of you remember, but I put a spell on myself around in January, so I wouldn't feel emotions anymore. It was great, until recently. Emotions had been breaking out more and more, and when I cried, or was about to, I could never figure out what was wrong and why it was happening. But the worst of it...I was getting very angry, very easily. It was the only emotion strong enough to actually get through.
I broke the spell. I did so during a huge thunder storm. I didn't just break the spell, I broke the rock that HELD the spell together. I can't say I really feel the emotions yet, but I starting to get some really bad headaches from it. (haha)

6) Oh, and more news! I'm going to start creating a manga for my story "Chimera"~! ^_^ Hope you guys'll read it~



And I guess I won't post my 6-page-long love story right now, because I think you've probably read enough for now. I'll put it up later

Besides...Wouter just got on~~!!!! =D See ya!

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Sunday, May 18, 2008

Hey guys!!!!
Hey! How are you guys?? I wonder...

I haven't been on in a LONG time! I'll keep this short because I'm at a friend's house. xD To the list form!!

1)My life is really awesome right now. Me and my friends are going frickin' everywhere in town. xD I have a social life! *le gasp*

2)I have a myspace! *le GASP!* If you want to add me, my link is myspace.com/itseatingawayatme oh, and my thing is set so you have to know my last name. (Which is "Helzer" by the way)

3)The BEST THING EVER! I met the sweetest, most AWESOME guy EVER! He's just so much like me. I can't wait to meet him! When I get old enough I'm going to go to Belgium to meet him xD I love his sooo much. x3 He has the most awesome hair...glasses, smexy voice...
...
Sorry. I can just randomly start ranting on, and on, about him. xD He really is the best ever. He has a myspace too. His name their is Ian, even though it's actually Wouter. xD (I stole his password, so I can mess with it lol) He's the best person ever, and I actually have told him I love him. It makes me extremely happy x3

4)Also, I've fallen out of love with Ja-san. He's just not worth feeling depressed over because I know he doesn't love me back. Ha ha. It's kinda funny. I started avoiding him like the plague xD I don't talk to him at all anymore, which I'm fine with, because I don't need to remember that past. It sucks. xD

See you guys soon!!!!
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