Monday, September 5, 2005

Why I'll be running things soon- -bushisms
* "Because he's hiding…"
—Bush, explaining why Osama bin
Laden has yet to be captured.

* "I was impressed every day by how hard and how skillful our team was."
(now we know what HE was doing)

* "We will stand up for terror. We will stand up for freedom."
(which is it?)

* "Gosh, I just don't think I ever said I'm not worried about Osama bin Laden. It's kind of one of those exaggerations."

"So I don't know where he is. You know, I just don't spend that much time on him... We haven't heard much from him. And I wouldn't necessarily say he's at the center of any command structure. And, again, I don't know where he is. I- I'll repeat what I said. I truly am not that concerned about him."
(again, which is it?)

* "The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were president of the United States, and we’d be a lot better off."
(so, if the "evil" man you're hunting down was president instead of you, we'd be a lot better off? This man that made massive killings of his people? wow. You kinda hit that one right on the head.)

* "Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat …"
(the whim of a hat, huh? no wonder you made C's)

* "Iraq is free of rape rooms and torture chambers."
"One thing is for certain: There won't be any more mass graves and torture rooms and rape rooms."
"Saddam Hussein now sits in a prison cell, and Iraqi men and women are no longer carried to torture chambers and rape rooms."
"Every woman in Iraq is better off because the rape rooms and torture chambers of Saddam Hussein are forever closed."
"Our military is performing brilliantly. See, the transition from torture chambers and rape rooms and mass graves and fear of authority is a tough transition. And they're doing the good work of keeping this country stabilized as a political process unfolds."
"We acted, and there are no longer mass graves and torture rooms and rape rooms in Iraq."
"A year ago, I did give the speech from the carrier, saying that we had achieved an important objective, that we'd accomplished a mission, which was the removal of Saddam Hussein. And as a result, there are no longer torture chambers or rape rooms or mass graves in Iraq."
"Because we acted, torture rooms are closed, rape rooms no longer exist, mass graves are no longer a possibility in Iraq."
(so did you make a bet to see how many times you could say "torture chambers" and "rape rooms" from october to may?)

* "A free, peaceful Zimbabwe has got the capacity to deliver a lot of goods and services which are needed on this continent in order to help aleve suffering."
(aleve. I think I took one of those yesterday)

* "These people don't have tanks. They don't have ships. They hide in caves. They send suiciders out."
(thats right. If that darned marian webster can make words up, so can you)

* "We hold dear what our Declaration of Independence says, that all have got uninalienable rights, endowed by a Creator."
(so. they've added an "un" to inalienable. bastards.)

* "We're spending money on clean coal technology. Do you realize we've got 250 million years of coal?"
(wow, who knew the amount of time we have to USE the coal is exactly equal to the amount of time it took to form?)

* "The proposal we've proposed will save him nearly $2,400 every year."
(hm. Interesting. excluding the words he makes up, Bush has the vocabulary of my 9-year-old sister)

* "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
(so you were never taught to read? no wonder you screw up so much in your speeches:you can't read them, so you have to memorize them)

* "I'm trying to put a leash on 'em."
—Bush, explaining his parenting methods of daughters Jenna and Barbara (INCEST!!)

* "The CIA laid out several scenarios. It said that life could be lousy, life could be okay, life could be better. And they were just guessing as to what the conditions might be like."
(so now we know the CIA is using cardboard computers. i was wondering what office depot did with them when they sold their desks.)

* "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
(taxes, social security, gas prices, somehow getting himself re-elected. yeah, that sounds right)

* "We've got an issue in America ... too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."
(OH MY GOD. so do they have revolting habits or something? can't make it past 3rd base?)

* "I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental—supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel."
(y'know, frankenstein was just a book; and, no offense, but I don't think you have enough intellectual superiority to reanimate reassembled body parts. Oh I'm sorry, you not have smarts to make dead thing come to alive.)

* "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."
(yeah, and I'll have someone do brain surgery on you. what do our comments have in common?)

* "I had the honor of calling Dale Earnhardt, Jr., after the race, to congratulate him. I said, there's nothing wrong with a fellow following in his father's footsteps."
(his dad died. Same race, in 2001. last lap. smooth.)

* "We want results in every single classroom so that one single child is left behind."
( I guess you were that child LAST time someone decide to do that. Who's it gonna be this time?)

* "I'm sure there's a lot of people frightened — biotechnology is a long word and it sounds — they may say, well, I don't know if I'm smart enough to be in biotechnology, or it sounds too sophisticated to be in biotechnology."
(I've used longer words talking to kindergarteners. and they understand me. i guess you'll ahve to stick with "kitty" and "pony". and no. Your not smart enouugh to be a mcdonalds waitress, much less a biotechnichian)

* "See, free nations do not develop weapons of mass destruction."
(So W., does this mean the U.S. is not a free nation?)

* "There's too much leaking in Washington. That's just the way it is. And we've had leaks out of the administrative branch, had leaks out of the legislative branch, and out of the executive branch and the legislative branch."
(Oh my god. so now, the government has no judicial branch, an extra legislative branch, AND a whole new administrative branch no one know about?!)

* REPORTER: "[The California recall is] the biggest political story in the country. Is it hard to go in there and say nothing about it?"
GEORGE W. BUSH: "It is the biggest political story in the country? That's interesting. That says a lot. That speaks volumes."
REPORTER: "You don't agree?"
GEORGE W. BUSH: "It's up to—I don't get to decide the biggest political story. You decide the biggest political story. But I find it interesting that that is the biggest political story in the country, as you just said."
REPORTER: "You don't think it should be?"
GEORGE W. BUSH: "Oh, I think there's maybe other political stories. Isn't there, like, a presidential race coming up? Maybe that says something. It speaks volumes, if you know what I mean."
(hint hint wink wink)

* "We need to thin our forests in America."
(Bush, on the evil of forests)

* "We're expediting the administrative appeals process, so that disputes over projects are resolved quickly. In other words, not everybody agrees with thinning, there will objections. But we want those objections to be heard, of course—every citizen needs to hear a voice."
(1st-had to pull your thesaurus out on that one, didn'tcha? 2nd-I'm sure YOU hear voices)

* "I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things."
—Bush, reassuring us that the wartime president of the most powerful nation on earth does not think too much

* "I am the master of low expectations."
(By george, sherlock, i think you've figured it out!)

* "We ended the rule of one of history's worst tyrants, and in doing so we not only freed the American people, we made our own people more secure."
(so someone finally assasinated you?)

* "It will take time to restore chaos and order—but we—order out of chaos."
(ooh ooh!who else wants to reinstate chaos?!)

* "The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein and his willingness to terrorize himself."
(huh?)

* "The Iraqi regime is a threat to any American and to threats who are friends of America."
(yes lets see we have russia, england, poland--don't forget poland--I'll-hang-you-by-your-entrials and I'm-going-to-kill-you.)

* "If you find a neighbor in need, you're responsible for serving that neighbor in need, you're responsible for loving a neighbor just like you'd like to love yourself."
(we know how YOU'd love that neighbor)

* "There's no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world's worst weapons."
(america hater)

* "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here."
(that's probably te most valid promise you've ever made)

* "Do you have blacks, too?"
—Bush, speaking to Brazilian President Fernando Henrique Cardoso.
(smooth. Reeeal smooth)

* “Tribal sovereignty means that, it's sovereign. You're a -- you're a -- you have been given sovereignty and you're viewed as a sovereign entity.”
(now I know EXACTLY what tribal sovereignty means. Thanks george bush)

* "Well, I think we need to work with governments and institutions and NGOs to encourage the institutions of a free society," Bush said. "See, one of the interesting things in the Oval Office—I love to bring people into the Oval Office—right around the corner from here, and say, this is where I [have an] office, but I want you to know the office is always bigger than the person."
(If not, how could you AND your desk fit?)

* "In 2000, alone, obesity costs totaled the country an estimated cost of $117 billion."
(totaled the country?)

* "I had the opportunity to go out to Goree Island and talk about what slavery meant to America. It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America. America is what it is today because of what went on in the past."
(once again, smooth. Has he been assasinated yet?)

* "First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."
("not rich" includes the average, well off middle class dum-dum)

* "And as I said in my State of the Union, the idea is to see that a car born today—I mean, a child born today will be driving a car, as his or her first car, which will be powered by hydrogen and pollution-free."
(except, as of now, hydrogen cars a. take more energy to get hydrogen than they put out, b. have tanks that that take 4 times the volume of gas tanks and, c. are overall extremely inefficient)

* "I mentioned early on that I recognize there are hurdles, and we're going to achieve those hurdles."
(I thought you jumped over hurdles?)

* "There's only one person who hugs the mothers and the widows, the wives and the kids upon the death of their loved one. Others hug but having committed the troops, I've got an additional responsibility to hug and that's me and I know what it's like."
(so you're a tree hugger, or rather, a bush hugger?)

* "The solid truth of the matter is, when you find—if you want to help heal the hurt, if you want to you hurt people—help people in pain, the best way to do so is to call upon the great strength of the country, which is the compassion of our fellow Americans."
(I want to hurt people!!)

* "There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says: Fool me once, shame on [pause] shame on you. [Pause] Fool me [long, uncomfortable, agonizing pause] you can't get fooled again."
(for us normals, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. for you, "fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me thrice, god I'm stupid aren't I?, fool me four times, I think I'll run for office)

* "I should have clarified it by my statement. I just clarified it by my—not should have—I just."
—Bush, trying to clarify a statement


Now you all know EXACTLY why he got elected once again.