Sunday, December 12, 2004

The 11th of December
I told my mom I was sorry for not listening to her, biting her, hitting her with a basket/vase thing, and then kicking her. She later came into my room and hugged me for a long time and said that it was her fault too and that she lost it and she missed me so much for those three weeks we have not been talking. I broke down complaining about how my science teacher, her best friend, got me into trouble with the Dean of Students at school, how I got a two hour consequence because I said "bitch!" in class when I mouthed it. She said that I said it so loud everyone turned around and looked at me when they later told me that they didn't know what I did, just that our science teacher suddenly started screaming at me. I started on and on about my D in math and my C in English. I'm in the top honors classes and I just can't do it.

I havn't been involved in any sports the past two weeks on which those grades where based. Now I'm in paddling. I don't think I will be able to handle it. At least I'm talking to my mom again.

I feel like one of the many pains in me have been removed.
Comments (3) | Permalink

Wednesday, December 1, 2004

nothing much
i have been banned from the internet during the week now. so ill only b updating on weekends and wen my parents arnt home like right now.

happy dec 1st! those on oahu, r u going to the kaimuki parade?
Comments (5) | Permalink

Saturday, November 27, 2004

meh
im not going to b updating as frequently... my computer has been moved out of my room into "the computer room" with my dads computer. (one of my moms new "rules"). yeah.

muah to everyone who needs it!
Comments (4) | Permalink

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Thanksgiving
I have been wondering what I am thankful for. The only real thing I am thankful for is... here. Everyone here is so much more caring than any where else I have been.

I am thankful to be alive. I almost killed myself the other day. I had a friend on aim screaming at me not too and I felt so alone. All my friends have guys who treat them right, parents to give them money and presents, and seem to not have a care in the world.

I don't think I will go to the police. The belt marks went away yesterday. I can't see any bruises, so it must have been not that bad of a beating, right? If there aren't any marks, she must've hit me that hard. The only thing that hurts is my shoulder... and I don't remember hurting it.

I had my friend ask her mom if I should go to the police because I need adult advice (no offense to all you guys out there). The answer came out negative. Even if it was a positive answer, I still do not think I would have gone. If she does it again, I will. It has been nice since she did it though, we havn't spoken since then. My life seems a little more peacful.
Comments (8) | Permalink

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Should I...?
Should I really go to the police? What would I say? I have no evidence but my sister as a witness. That can't be enough.
Comments (6) | Permalink

This happened last night
my mom took away my cell phone because i wasnt doing my chores, i was doing
my religion project instead... later, kieras religion partner who was over
at my house at the time, asked me to get her a towel cause she was wet from
swimming. i told her to get it herself cause i was busy. my mom yelled at me
to get the damn towel and to be a good hostess. i did and yelled, 'i dont
see you getting up off ur lazy ass!' then she came and hit me before shoving
me back into my room. i was fine cause i needed to get my project done.

my mom then yelled at me that my cell phone bill was $35 over - and i told
her because i just got the phone it was my activation fee. she demanded to
kno when i was going to pay it and i reminded her that she told me a few
weeks ago that she'd pay for it since i was paying off the rest so well. she
yelled at me saying i was lying and shes sick of my lies. i yelled at her
saying i was never talking to her again because she can never remember
anything i say.

i was working on my project wen she came into my room and yelled at me to
feed the animals. i went from 'not talking to her' to 'ignoring her' and
didnt even move. she then took away my cd player and boom box and yelled at
me to feed the animals again. i still didnt do anything and she got her belt
and started whipping me with that. damn that hurt - but i didnt cry out or
flinch. i don't want to give my mom that type of satisfaction. she finally
told kiera to do it. so my back was hurting and i decided to take a nice
long bath. wen i entered the bathroom, i discovered i left my razor in my
mom's bathroom. i went and got it, spying her cell phone charging. i took
her cell phone and turned it off in case she decided to call it. wen i was
done with my bath, i put the cell phone in my jeans pocket and walked out.
my mom started yelling at me telling me to give her back her phone.

i was 'not talking to her' so i shrugged and walked by her to the kitchen -
i wanted some chocolate milk. she followed me demanding her phone. i kept
shrugging and she finally grabbed my hair and started yanking my head up and
down by it. fuck that one hurt. my necks still sore today from that one... i
thought about grabbing one of the kitchen knives and cutting my hair off,
but my mom was already pulling me to the dinning room to put me in my room.
i wanted my chocolate milk so i grabbed the doorway and she wretched my from
it. i was on the ground and she was hitting me, still doing something with
my hair that was causing my face to smash into the ground.

so her leg was right next to my face to i grabbed it and bit it as hard as i
could. she started punding on my head - but i thought as long as i cause her
as much pain as i can it will be worth watever pain she does onto me. there
my sister came yelling 'stop it already u fucking old hag!' so my mom went
after her and pushed her. i thought 'oh hell no bitch!' (not protecting my
sister, i wasnt finished with my mom yet). i scrathed her as hard as i could
on her arm. she spun around, grabbed me with one arm and with the other
started choking me. i tried to center my balance to pick her up with my back
and throw her (aikido move) but kiera, hearing me choking, grabbed my moms
hair and yanked her backward. we both fell down and i hit my head.

i was on the floor for like 2 seconds before realizing she wasnt holding
onto me anymore - i grabbed this big basket thing and hit her as hard as i
could with it before kicking her and running away yelling 'i wish u die and
burn in hell!'

is this child abuse? its wat my frens said...
Comments (17) | Permalink

Sunday, November 21, 2004

11/21/04

ABC..easy as 123
A is for age...so what is yours?	14
B is for brat...do you know any?	stacey
C is for cool...who's the coolest person you know?	alae
D is for dork...who takes that prize in your life?	dork...?
E is for elephant...know anyone who reminds of one?	dominique
F is for funny...who laughs it up in your group?	nobody...if they do, im not paying attention
G is for geek...who wears the glasses in your life?	i wear glasses...
H is for hot...what gets your blood to boil?	frens hu disrespect me
I is for insult...gimme your best one.	i dont insult ppl. that is benieth me
J is for juice...what's your fave?	juice is gross. mass the milk my way
K is for kill...who's number one on your hit list?	my sis kiera
L is for love...who gets most of yours?	it isnt hu will get it, its if he will accept it
M is for month...what's the best for you?	december
N is for negative...who's glass i half empty?	mine
O is for organized...are you?	organized...yes...
P is for pushy...ever get that way?	no
Q is for quick...be creative here	im a quick...thinker...
R is for rain...love or hate it?	long for it
S is for stuipd...what counts as stupid on your list?	is 'most guys' too broad of a category?
T is for trick...or do you prefer a treat?	depends on which they both are
U is for umbrella...you own one?	no
V is for veggies...do you eat yours?	no
W is for wish..what do you secretly want?	someone i will never have
X is for xylophone...is that spelled right?	do i look like a dictionary here?
Y is for yo-yo...do you play with one?	no
Z is for zoo...last time you visited one?	i dont recall
1 person who can live without?	wat a cruel question
2 people you're closest to?	i distance myself from others - theyll just cause u pain in the end
3 wishes you want to come true?	something good to happen to cease my suicidial thoughts... for ppl to leave me alone wen i want them too without me having to say anything verbally... for my fren and crush to have a ...long and happy relationship.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Comments (1) | Permalink

11/20/04
I thought I was over the fact that one of my best friends (I'll leave her name as ... Anela because I'm sure she doesn't want her name on here)is going out with a guy I've liked for the past two years. I guess today disproved that though.

At a speech contest or whatever it was held at my school, Anela showed up (I was there because I need community service hours and she was there cause she is on the speech team). My other friend, ... ummm ... Jackie (another made up name) who has never met Anela, just heard about her from me, asked me why the guy I liked would go out with her instead of me. I said I didn't know and why would she ask that.

Jackie told me that I was prettier than Anela. She said she didn't know why the guy... *sigh* this is just another stupid thing I am going to get depressed about isnt it? My life is so pathetic I don't know why I live it.
Comments (4) | Permalink

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

11/16/04
kari asked me the other day when was the last time my mom or dad told me they loved me - or hugged me. i couldnt remember. can u remember when the last time ur parents said that to u?

kari asked me if i kno my parents loved me or not. i told her that i didnt kno because they never tell me. my dads too wrapped up in either : work, smoking, drinking, sleeping, or computer game (Star Craft) <--which is a pretty good game... my mom is always yelling, nagging, screaming, sleeping, doing too busy to do anything with me. now she has a reason for doing all the things she's always done : her brother died.

she acts the same tho. she just has a reason now. u may think its mean of me to say so, but its true. i just went to hug her and she kept on watching tv so i turned and left. she asked me wat i was doing when i was walking away. i told her i guess the tv was more important than a hug from me. she continued watching tv and i have now retreated to this computer.

am i being selfish? is everyone treated liked this? the way kari was looking at me when i answered in the negative to her questions just made me think about it. i always thought it was normal... but is it?

Comments (6) | Permalink

Monday, November 15, 2004

11/15/04
another boring day. have shit load of hw to do. was talking to this guy from new york for a while last night on aim... dan...
Comments (3) | Permalink