Tuesday, November 29, 2005

   The Reasons Why I Don't Like To Talk.
[Posted @ 10:16 PM]

- WARNING! VERY DEPRESSING HEART FELT WORDS, NO ANIMES STUFF TONIGHT -

My LAM Reading notes [Note: 26 two sided freaking pages] have been lying on my desktop, around 1 foot beside me for around 30mins and ... i juz touched it once to write the date for tomorrow LOL!!! God, i feel so sick when i flipped through the little little wordings. I think it's font size 11 sia. I'm blind, next time use font size 14 or 18 ok? LoL.

Oh, i was readin the blogs of C and HQ in the last 30mins [Still readin now]. I wanna know more abt my classmates. So i asked those online in my MSN list for blog links, most said do not have. I guess blogging is not really popular huh. I think i'm hooked on blogging ha, even since this year Jan, i wanna prove to myself i can keep a diary, even online one counts oK! LoL. I realized i have alot to say.

Question: Do you know why i dun like to tok?

Answer: Cos i feel it's bothersome lol.

My brain thinks too fast. Allow me to explain how my brain works, first i think then a line of words went though from my right to my left brain then it goes to my 'Should i say this' brain, if yes, proceed to 'Mouth', if not proceed to 'Rubbish Bin' LOL! [Too much questionnaire!!! Still stuck in that era!!!] I guess i kinda think too much on the other party's feelings ba, especially those i'm not very familiar with, i'll think hard and think of the various ways how they will react IF i said what i wanna say LOL. So it's bothersome right? But i sound so ... pretentious, like i'm sucking up to people by saying things that make them look good. No. I am not. I guess i'm juz not good with dealing with people. Firstly, i dun live in HDB flats, i do not have neighbours that lives like 2-3 steps away from my house door. OK I LIVE IN A RURAL AREA! LOL I'M A KAMPONG GIRL! FINE! HAPPY?! LoL. So i guess i'm all up to myself and my parents and plants and aunts and uncles and workers till i'm around 5 and my second brother was born. But i still played by myself, -.-||| I dun go to kindergarden till i'm 5-6yrs old and it's not those full day one, it's like only 4-5hrs then go home le. Ah i remembered my uncle sent moi home riding motorbike whee and i tried riding a motorbike when i was 12. HAHAHA. SO FREAKING COOL!
I started 'driving' a golfcar when i was 8. Muaha. I started riding a bicycle when i was 3. So in my sad 5 lonely years, i was riding my bicycle around the big road in my home. Ha, tat's what u get for being a kampong girl MUAHAHA. I got tons of cuts cos i rode fast and fell, but i always go faster each time i fell LOL, and i even wear the motorbike helmet ahaha, like so darn cool. I'm pretty tomboyish when i was young, short haircut and people always mistaken me for a boy. Not like i care.

Ok i'm going off track ha. Where was i? Eh, ok oh my neighbours are like probably 10m away from me but i used to play with my neighbours' kids when i was in primary school, but now we dun le. They dun live there anymore. We used to adopt little kitten and puppies. I remembered we kept this puppy called 'Lucky' i love cute animals lol. Always play with her ... and we saw her gave birth and we saw the little puppies been given away and stuff. It's pretty sad, my dad dun like dogs. We used to have a big black dog, but he's not mine, his name's 'Lucky' too. [What's with the Lucky name?!] Yeah, he died cos a lorry ran over his legs and he died i guess, i was in pri4 then. I got home then i realized that Lucky's not around then mum told me he died. Did i cry? I think so.

This afternoon while waiting to go for IB lec [Which was freaking 1hr only lol god], me, XT and ZY were at the library doing our LAM project. I practically blanked out on the first 30mins. I dunno why. I guess i'm not in a mood. That's the second reason why i dun like to talk, by nature i'm not really a talkative person, i dun slip into people's shoes tat easily. I dun click with people easily. Juz like i dun click with Stefanie Sun at first, i juz clicked with her on her 'Kite' album. So, people will get tried of approaching me, probably thinking i'm dao, not interested or dislike them. But no. I jus. Can't trust people easily. Pretty insulting huh? But tat's the way i am. I dun have really best/good friends i could brag about. None. Zero. Nope. Sounds sad huh? Becos i dun like to tok, i have no friends haha. Cos friends need to keep in touch and keeping in touch either means chatting on the phone, which i hate cos of my sensitive ears. I think i got this trait from my mum. She doesn't have really good friends she could keep in touch with too. Going back to the project discussion, we didn't do much for LAM in the end cos i zoned out lol. I feel rather sleepy and sick, my brain wasn't functioning very well. So in the end XT and ZY talked about horoscopes lol. They're both Cancerians ... then they're talking abt themselves being moody, gets jealous easily ha and stuff. Then i realized i have nothing of a Libran. I do not have the charisma, looks, outspoken or watever a Libran should have. I think i'm born on the wrong month lol. Sometimes i think tat i shouldn't be born at all. I'm so fucked up.

This is my last sem, i realized i have no goals, i dunno wat to do when i graduate. My friends will say i could go help my dad. I could. But. Not tat i dun wanna but i feel it's not right. I dunno wat is not right but really recently, i feel tat life has no meaning for me. I dun look forward to anything ... OK EXCEPT STEFANIE SUN'S CONCERT ON 14TH JANUARY 2006 LOL. That's one thing i'm freaking looking forward to. After that? I dunno. I think i'm working ok in my group, i dunno how my groupmates think, they might think i'm a slacker, i'm too quiet, i dun contribute ideas, lazy, not creative? I dunno. Oh and i'm not confident when i talk. I can't express myself well, i tend to stammer. That's why i rather dun tok cos i'll lose control. I'm not a grateful person also hahaha, i'm baddddd with dates, numbers, names and faces. Once i even forgot my own home number LOL. Oh another reason why i dun like to talk, cos when u tok, u tend to blurt out secrets. Haha like wat i did recently. I blurted out something i shouldn't had said and i feel really responsible for it. But i'm not usually like tat.

I think i need to go back to my protective shield again, i dun wanna go near to anyone, i dun wanna feel responsible for anything anymore. I'm a selfish person, i hate being responsible for stuff that i shouldn't even been responsible for. Sometimes i hate myself. I'm getting so soft as i get older, i cry easily, reading manga, listening to songs, even as i'm typing now i feel my eyes brimming with tears. I guess my time is here. No. I'm not stressed up. I dunno. No. It's not tat time of the month. I dunno probably i'm going through what i had gone through when i was secondary one.

How many times have i typed 'I dunno'? LoL Count.

I dun have much friends when i was in primary school, i guess i'm the quiet one who the teacher always forgot. I dun really care. I got this gang in pri5/6, 6 of us, then we got like Da Jie, Er Jie, San Jie, Si Jie, Wu Mei, Xiao Mei. I'm Si Jie, then they call me Si Mei-Ahhh~ Hahaha. We go according to our birthdays. Then we play crocodile on the sit-up benches during breaks and after school. I miss those days. Then after PSLE, we spitted all into different schools. I alone went to NVSS. I dunno if i said this b4 somewhere but when i was in sec 1, my number was i think 8, then number 7 transferred out so i was alone during pair works. Juz then number 9 and number 10 student clicked with each other and i feel REALLY REALLY bad to like indirectly split them out when teachers ask me to pair up with number 9. I guess from then on i left even more ... let's say useless. I feel like i'm extra, i shouldn't be there, i'm a thorn in a bed of roses. I'm a mouse shit in a bowl of porridge. I got even more quiet till i'm used to it le. When i got sick, i guess noone realized too. From then on, i dun trust people easily or rather i feel scared of getting close to people. Cos i feel useless.

But thanks to Sivagami, Lili ha, friends i made in secondary 3, i guess i began to trust people again. They made the first step to tok to me i guess, i forgot actually hahaha. Then i think i got better, i sang during class with Sivagami haha, it was fun. And i think i got my first crush on a guy tat year too. [I'm not saying who, i got over him already] Tat was the year i began to enjoy music and 'fell in love' with Stefanie Sun. I love the last two years in NVSS, bitching about certain teachers and ahem ahem stuff haha. It's like i'm living an average secondary school student life again. Then i found myself to be very sarcastic if i want to. Hahaha. I realized i could make jokes too. Then i made more friends like Sock Wai through the wonders of animes/mangas~~~ Haha also the computer club and i made friends in the choir too. Joined NDP01 for the first time, had fun and tasted the joy of being in a group. I like.

But after Os, i assumed i'm back to the secondary 1 flashback again, i dun adopt well to changing environments. Oh i forgot abt the 3 months JC thingy lol, i was forced to go in. I dun like JC abit. So ... stressing. Ha. I made some friends there too, but it was not lasting, no contact with each other le, except probably 1 or 2. Had some bad experiences there, i had my first taste of protecting a friend ahaha. I put my new sarcastic ability into use and my emotions shown up pretty well.

I developed a new character. If i dislike u, i will dislike u and i will say it in ur freaking face i dislike u. Till now, there is only one. So i'm wondering if another one is coming out? Hahaha. I guess my temper mellowed down a little le, i dun dislike a person so easily, i'm usually easy going. But if u anger me or piss me off, i'll make ur life a living hell. I might be quiet but doesn't mean i'm a pushover.

I dun like borrowing money from people, i rather starve and die. If people do a favour for me, i make it in my mind to pay back 5 times better to him/her. Cos i'll feel very very very bad if i dun do something for him/her.

I dunno why i feel like typing out my personal stuff tonight here but i guess there's no harm, i mean, i have nothing to hide. I dun kill, hurt or bribe people ha.

I juz got this feeling that i had when i was secondary 1 and 2 i guess so i had this mental break down these few weeks. Sorry my groupmates.

I juz dun wanna go back to my old me, i hate myself. I used to eat alone in canteen, i used to go home alone, i used to do my projects alone, i used to have no friends to talk to. Sometimes i'm afraid of myself. I think i'm mentally unstable.

I dun like bottling up my emotions, so i show them with my expressions i guess. I'm scared that people around me couldn't handle it and got scared. So i rather dun tok. Ah. I'm a complicated person and a very very depressed one.

I felt better after typing so much crap lol. Hope this post doesn't scare anyone off. =) Ok, i have to get in gear for future projects, i dun wanna burden my groupmates anymore. I'm sure my old self was torn away from me and i never want to see it again ever. ever. ever. ever.

[Signing off @ 11:44 PM]
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