Monday, September 11, 2006

Normally a xanga entry.
Dear Journal,
*Important. But Long.*

“Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you…”

Sunday was my mother’s birthday lunch as well as my Grandfather’s retirement lunch. My father was giving my Mum a hard time about going, how he didn’t want to deal with my Grandpapa and Phillis, or Aunt Sher and Uncle Dave. He was making her really upset, and I could tell he was hurting her a lot.
And I got sick of it.
He’s always so selfish. All he ever thinks about is himself. He can’t just put on a smile and do something nice for my mother, like it’s so hard to go to lunch with her parents and sister. And when my mom tells him to just stay home, to forget about it, he turns it all around on her, like it’s all her fault he is acting like a spoiled five year old. “Is this the attitude your going to have with me for the rest of the day? Because if it is, Ill just leave! I don’t want to listen to you giving me that tone!” She wasn’t giving him a tone. And even if she was, he was giving off a stronger one from the get go.
That’s when I lost it.
“Dad. Leave her alone. Just STOP it.”
The room went silent. I had just came out of my room and was in the opening to our tiny hall way. He just turned his head like a barn owl, and widened his eyes menacingly. “What did you say to me? Don’t tell me what to do.” He says.
“Leave her alone. Can’t you tell you’re making Mum upset! Stop ruining her birthday lunch!”
I can’t remember the whole conversation word for word. But he got very upset with me because I was standing up to him. After a few minutes of him trying to dominate me, it went quiet again. Mum said to get in the car, so I left out of the house. He followed. When I tried to get in the car, he told me to get my attitude in check.
“Who do you think you are, disrespecting me?!” he shouted.
I told him flatly that I wasn’t trying to disrespect him, that I was only trying to make him realise that he was hurting Mum’s feelings on her special day. “I’m sorry, Dad, but you’re making her really sad!”
He said something.. can’t remember what.. which I replied “If no one else in this family is going to stand up to you, than I will.”
“Oh no you won’t. I will drop you so fast…” Of course, he is right in my face, as always. He got mad and grabbed my wrist, muttering his mindless threats about decking me, so I whacked him lightly against the hand holding me, said “STOP IT. Don’t touch me.” and got my hand free, backing up.
More conversing that I can not fully remember, he had backed me up to the very end of the drive way, near the curb of the street…
“If you stand up to me, than I will not hesistate to drop your ass.”
Which I replied coldly: “Then do it.”
He lunged forward, threw his hand against my throat and pushed me back away from him. It wasn’t that hard. I doubt he wanted to hurt me, just trying to scare me as usual. But I’m not afraid of him anymore. I’m just sick of having to put up with him and his stupid actions and words.
I think mom came out right after he hit me.
“GET IN THE FUCKING CAR BEFORE I FUCKING KILL YOU.” he said to me, atleast, it was something to the degree.
So I did. He goes on to yell at my mother that she needs to have a talk with me, because I am getting out of control. Appearantly, I think I’m such a bad-ass, and where the hell did I get the balls to talk to him the way I did, yadda yadda.
He shot me death glares the entire ride to the Cracker Barrel, which I ignored.
I feel a little strange.
I’m not afraid of him…
I feel… more grown up. But I know I’m still niave and young, you know? Ignorant of the world.
I can’t cower in front of him anymore. I can’t be scared, and it’s becoming harder and harder to bite my tongue at every rude thing he says to my mother, my brother, and me.
But mom pulled me away before we entered the cracker barrel and told me I needed to just agree with him for a little while longer, to put up with him, because we need him right now.
So I will.
For her.
Because I love her.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my dad, very much. But.. I can’t live with him. And I can’t deal with him anymore. He is driving me insane the way he get’s frustrated and overly angry because, hm, I dunno, I don’t want a dresser to go into my room, or he doesn’t want to go to lunch with his inlaws.
I guess I just made it worse by standing up to him, though.
And I appearantly risked a lot. I could have gotten hurt a lot more…
But.. I don’t know anymore. I just.. I would rather get hurt than for him to go around with his ego-parade. He needs to realise he isn’t a king, and we aren’t just his toys or servants. He then proceeds to shouting that something is going to have to change. Either us (me, mother, and I) or him. And it isn’t going to be him, he says. Oh, joy.
Oh hoh.
And guess what?
He’s on first shift this week.
Meaning I have to deal with him every day after school. Wonderful.
In other news…
I went to work again today. Hate work. Hate my job. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Mom took some pictures of me with the five dolla pizza sign, as well as Aunt Sher (who showed up about half way into my shift whilst I was in my gumby suit). Then at the very end of the day, right before my mum came to pick me up, Lindsey and Ms Wood come driving up to get gas from the station next to my work. Lindsey runs out of the jeep and is all jumping around, screaming gossip about Mario and Sarah at me. “Oh my god! Katrina! Mario and Sarah BROKE UP!” Appearantly because Sarah has been overly smothering Mario. Going over his house at 8am until 10pm, then calling him at midnight for two hours, and sneaking out of her house to his house at three in the morning.
…Yes.
She is in fact acting just like a stalker. >> LOL. Sarah, we need to talk! Give the guy some space, hon. xDD
Hm… but they got back together in two hours. Don’t ask me, I havent the slightest clue as to what goes on through Mario’s brain. >>; But I did tell him a little of what happened earlier today with dad whilst he walked me home, and he just listened… until we got to the end of my drive way. He looked at me for a second, then hugged me. “Keep strong, okay?” Or atleast, it had something to that effect. I can’t remember completely. Such a bad memory.
But none the less… I love my best friend. <3 ;.;
Huh, what else to say since this post is already inexcrutionably long.
OH. Mother is making me find a boyfriend.
More wonderful news! …can anyone hear that sarcasm?
How am I supposed to date someone when I am in love with someone else?
Goodness me. I’m in great trouble already this year.
I’m sorry Jamie. <3 But I’m stuck between a rock and a very hard place.
We both are.
What do you think we should do?
Should we call a break for now?
Because I certainly still love you.
And I always will.
But you have homecoming and prom, which you need dates for..
And mother is pressuring me to find a guy for homecoming…
Maybe we should wait until we can finally meet up in a year or so to continue seeing each other seriously?
I don’t know what to do. But that sounds like the smarter thing to do.
Because now that mother is letting me write to you, (with her strict terms of us being just friends and not sending love letters back and forth, as well as screening letters), the possibility of us being together in the end is so much higher than it was in the beginning.. If we follower her rules.
My goodness. Stress. Building. Heart failure. Pheonix down, please.

With love,
Katrina.

PS. Writing a story. Based on a true events. A truly modern Romeo and Juliet to the core. Coming to book stores in.. whenever I finish it and have it published. If I love you enough and you ask kindly, I might let you read it.. depends. >> Maybe I wont. Youll never know..

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