Saturday, October 18, 2003

Just angst, anger, and a possible farewell.

Vincent:
Silent, strong, and very very very deadly. This is
one bad mofo, and you don't wanna piss him off.
He lives in a constant nightmare, and is
extremely lonely.


What FF7 char are you??
brought to you by Quizilla

So I'm Vincent, am I? Makes sense.

Hello again, my friends.


Well anyway, I'm in a rather nasty mood. For one, I'm about to stab my elfwood gallery in the throat. I hate, with a fiery passion, random commenteers who critiscize me rudely, saying things like "ur pic is sooooo badddd lololol", "bishounen SUXORS", and " ew...they're GAY ( in reference to my yaoi pics, which, might I add, I BLATANTLY PUT WARNING TEXT BY)", and have the nerve to do so and hide, like true cowards, behing the alias "Anonymous" .

I'm also infuriated by my own work. I feel as if I've reached a creative roadblock that also limits my skill and prohibits me from looking at the art of others without comparing myself to them and feeling flames of jealously tear away at me. I am aware of how deficient this behaviour is, but it is not something so easily changed. Just today I visited the gallery of my idol, Yuki Yoshida. She had new updates, just as amazing, if not more, as always. Only this time I wasn't content to be amazed. I felt a sickness manifest in me, part anger (with myself), part jealousy (of her), and mostly shame (of my own mediocre work). I glanced back at my own gallery and felt thoroughly ashamed. As it stands now, I'm tempted to leave elfwood entirely, and perhaps myotaku.com and deviantart.com as well. I'm tired of feeling as if I progress so little as the world of artists around me spins at the speed of light.

And finally, most unfortunately, the way things are going right now, I think that a friendship of mine is about to come to an bitter end. It's a long and intensely dull story so I won't waste my time writing it, nor your time reading it. The ordeal has left me sore in heart and furious in some ways, but I'm beggining to think that perhaps it's time I burned down the bridge for good and stepped away from a relationship that only tortures me, breaks me down, then builds me up to do the same damn thing over and over again. It's the same old chestnut, basically.
So now I sit here, reflecting, listening to "Mizerable", and wondering if there is truly a graceful way out of this quagmire.

But I am not so weak. I won't give up, if you'll pardon my cliche, until I'm thoroughly convinced that I cannot contribute anything of worth to any of these sites. Perhaps this only a momentary rough spot. This, however, seems doubtful, as events and the like have been building and building, up to this point.
In short, I won't bend to any one's will, but my own never fails to destroy me.
--signing off for now....Alexa
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