Saturday, June 18, 2005

The Machiavelli Lifestyle, Part One.
Since I started this thing, it has mostly been me complaining about shit pissing me off, broken up by my occasional well loved poem about something pissing me off. This week, I am doing something different. I will be informing the public (all two of you reading this) about my lifestyle. Similar to the Hugh Heffner "Playboy Lifestyle" of the seventies, this is just some short essays and stories about how to live like Machiavelli would.

First, be happy. Happiness is very important to a Machiavellian, as it helps us come to terms with what we must do in life to suceed. It is what we are. We are winners, we are visionaries, and we are great, so cheer up you emo bastards!
Now we get to the nitty gritty, the tough stuff, the hardest part of being a Machiavellian. Stop thinking about other people! The sun revolves around YOU! You are the center of the universe, You are God, You are the sole person smart and sauvy enough to become a true leader. People must flock to you, not you flock to them. They must cater to you, not the other way around. So stop thinking of their needs and wants.
I am reminded of an instance of where my Machiavellian mind came in quite handy. About a year ao, I needed money. So what did I do? I begged, cheated, stole, and outright took every penny I could get my hands on. Did I give a rat's ass about the feelings of those I took from? Hell no!
Next, remember one very, very important thing. You are a shark by a school of fishes, with many bigger meaner sharks out there. They will eat you if you fuck around. You must eat more fish then them, become bigger than them, and eat them before thaey get you. By any means necessary.
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Tuesday, June 7, 2005

Having a job is alot like a daily kick to the throat.
Well, again I find myself employed by an asshole. My old job at the comic book and anime store was hell, Circuit City before that was hell, and now, my latest job as a dive filmer is hell. I really never thought diving could be bad for me, but lately, sitting on that boat (the captain is alright, she has been sailing since she was six and knows the seas, and how to tell a joke,) listening to these assholes brag about how many times they have dove before getting into the water and showing me a complete lack of any kind of respect for the ocean. I am paid to film these people and put it on a disc so they can take it home and watch it with their freinds. Problem is, these people are idiots. They want videos of them goofing off. One teenage couple last week wanted me to film them having sex down there. Naturally, I said if they were taking off their clothes down there, I would take off their masks. The couple the day before them wanted me to film their exploration of a small cave. Fine and good, but if you want that, at least fucking SATY NEXT TO EACH OTHER SO I DON'T HAVE TO SWING THE FUCKING CAMERA AND LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE! I have decided to quit. My next job will be at Home Depot. Stay tuned for that conspiracy tomorrow.
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Thursday, May 26, 2005

Forgot to mention, tune in tomorrow for my thoughts on an oompah loompah conspiracy. Yeah, I am tired and maybe on acid. Screw you.
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More hippy slapping fun today.
More hippies assualted me today. I was coming out of an adult bookstore, minding my own business, when suddenly, I was surrounded by anti- logging enviro hippies armed with signs and natural hair care products. I decided to violence them up a little bit. Grabbing my trusty tire iron of Horrible Pain, I started swinging at the hippies. Some ran off, but most stood and fought. Luckily, their superior numbers meant nothing as their diets of grains and nuts (both kinds) left them to weak to put up much of a fight. Unfortunetly, the other hippies that ran off had gotten more hippy reinforcements in the form of animal rights activists, led by Alec Baldwin. I unloaded a shotgun blast of "the rest of the world would kill for a burger you elitist frauds" but Baldwin repelled it with his unnaturally dep voice saying "But animals have feelings too!" Thinking quickly, I grabbed a shovel off the ground and started whaling on his head. He just wouldn't stop quoting PETA doctrine, and right as my common sense started to die and I just began the metamorphisis to one of them, the shovel hit his temple and blew his head in half. Seeing their leader defeated, the rest of the hippies quickly ran. I chased them all down and stomped a big boot filled with iron and leather and anger onto each of their brains. True story.
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Saturday, April 23, 2005

My gift to the emo world.
Well, there is a site called MySpace.com which is remarkably similar to this one. One difference is the amount of attention whoring emo dumbasses is much much greater there than here. So I have decided that, in an effort to anger as many people as possible, I will set up my very own MySpace account balsting emo people across the country. With luck, I will piss of a great amount of emo rockers and get some amusing stories out of it all. Here it is.

http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=14058530&Mytoken=20050422203622
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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Own a gun? Must make you a right wing asshole.
Two things before I get to the point. One, by definition, I am a libertarian/ republican. I am right wing, but I am also left wing on alot of things (gay marriage, abortion, etc.). two, by definition, I can be considered a redneck. I drive a truck, enjoy fishing, and listen to Zeppelin and Skynard. I also wear black collared shirts and jeans, talk like a northerner, and think that waving a dixie flag around is like being a Red Sox fan, loving to lose. One other bit, I own a gun. A twenty two S&W pistol, http://www.gunblast.com/SW_317.htm . I live in the woods, so if there is ever an intruder, I can safetly know that I will be ok until the police arive. Also, there are quite a few bad creatures out here. One comes at me, I can at least slow it down enough to get away. Now the point of this little complaint is that, just because I own a gun does not mean I am a damn moron! See, two days ago, I invite this girl, her boyfreind, and one of his friends here for some video gaming and a movie marathon. The girl asked to use the bathroom. Not wanting to go through the hassle of leading her to the main bathroom, I just walked her from the TV room to my room, and my bathroom. She sees the gun sitting on my nightstand and freaks out. I mean she is going on about how people like me kill people, how guns are evil and what not, and how, since I own a gun, I am a loon. Look people, owning a gun can be dangerous if you are an asshole and do not know what you are doing. But, if you are careful, you will not have an accident. So, after asking my freinds to leave, I take the gun, put it far away where I can barely reach it, much less a child. For what you may ask? Don't want some kid sneaking into my room and shooting his freinds now would I?

On a sidenote, since mno one voted, the result for my contest is Nobel. Really, what a putz.
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