Friday, August 12, 2005

   school
school's already started. and the first day ive already been made fun of. My past events with jessie has blown up in my face, i think im going to transfer. I hate people.
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Tuesday, August 2, 2005

death awaits
im not having a good day. I tried to go to confession saturday, but i had to go to NC. i came back and i think god is punishing me. i stabbed my self w/ a blunt steak knife., asking my 12 yr old brother if he wanted me outa his life. and he said sure before and then said no. I dont know whats wrong with me. I dont want to go to foster care and i dont want to go away. I dont know where i am nemore. I just want to go move and stay and restart life.
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Monday, July 18, 2005

im leavin
im leaving my house, i dont think ill be back, my parents are fighting again, my mom blames me for whenever my brother is mad. I hope that in some miricle that they find this and read this article. Im not writing anymore posts i dont believe. I dont know where im going, but i know that im starting @ the catholic church..... there are things i need to take care of before i go. ive wanted to move from here for so long, i dont remember. I dont believe that neone understands my pain, what has happened, what ive done, what ive seen, what has happened inside of me a long time ago. I was really happy, once. I blame myself for the incident with austin, i blame myself for jessie's turning into the thing she hates, i truely dont believe that i was really wanted and that i was a mistake or an accident, surely enough, i dont care. Its not like any of this shit i put on this page matters, everyone else will go their own seperate ways and live there lives. Unfortunately my life is on the verge of reconing. I said this once before, " Assumption is the begining of all wars ". I think i have lost this war and now its my time to retreat. if i was an accident and magically i sum how pleased my parents with my good grades for them to treat me like normal, i hope ur reading this now. Im losing parts of my memory and i dont remember much. Jobs and Straight A's dont matter to me nemore. if life is going to be horrible and unending, why should life go on by passing. If death is apperent to neone, let it be cancer, or some unorthodox reason, and to all those lucky readers who are reading this, and you say taht this doesnt make anysense to u, listen, the world doesnt make sense, but life goes on unfortunatley and it sux. But if it happens it happens , and sometimes, ITS AN ACCIDENT LIKE ME, or is it? let me know when u find the truth.
there is none is there..... how can something be true if its taught to u and not proven? hmm.... i dont know but ive been trying to solve this question for a while. I give up. So mom or dad, if ur reading this by some apperent anomoly, think about waht i have gone through and waht i have experienced. read all my other posts. Ask brother, he's the gifted child right?
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Thursday, July 14, 2005

   i dont know
i may have a chance with alayna but i might not be able to know yes or no. Im gonna give it a whirl. I talked to alayna's best friend. She says that i need to go to the movies with alayna and take her out on a date or somthing. i use this myotaku server because its like a journal for me, because i need to express my pain and hatred and stress and very little happines that i get. But i just pray that i might be able to get a chance and just sit and soak up on how much effort has paid off, or maybe that life will crash and just abruptly end. i also havent gone to confession. Im thinking about going the sunday before school starts so i can get a clean and new slate. I just hope that alayna and i will connect. because i dont want another sudden stop and crash. i also dont want to be following and chasing the whole time either. so if she says no ill just give up and live in a box by myself on main street. So pray that this works. I cant go untill the 27th or so. so i pray this will work , if not a feeble life is ahead...........................................................................................................................................................................
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Sunday, July 10, 2005

   envy will be the death of me
envy will be the death of me....
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Saturday, July 2, 2005

   Broken wings
i feel like i cant fly or move anymore. Its like i try to do something or try to talk to someone and i cant, because i cant think of nething else besides missing some one. And the ppl i love are turning into the things they hate the most. Jessie has had sex with 5 guys and she says she hates whores and sluts, well just look at u now. I want to talk to her but im afraid of what might happen. and alayna hates preps and snobby bitches, but inside she is slowly turning into one of the things she hates and im trying to turn her back. but its so hard to. i think im just gonna give up looking for someone to love and to share things with so f*** everything that i love (except art and food). well i drew an FMA collage, its in my fan art. I tried to portray they way i feel into the charectors of FMA. but w/e right? i just hope i dont turn into the one thing i hate, dark and lonely.
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Friday, June 24, 2005

   Im tired of the lies and shadows
Well, i found out that alayna broke up with kelly b.c he was cheating on her. Now she just got back from wisconsin and went to her friends house down the street. Now her freind knows that i love her alot, and it hurts me everytime i hear somethin i dont want to hear. Alayna told Jolee that she had a guy w/ her wen she was drunk. And i can only imagen what happened. Though i cant stop the feelings i have for her, it just kills me to see the same damn thing happen all over just like what happened between me and Jessie. I am not having a very good life. And i can never get the chance to go to confession. I love Alayna, but some of the choices and descions not to say or do something right, is bothering me and i was going to ask her out this week, and now i am kinda iffy if i should. Is loving her wrong? Because i cant see through smoke or shadow. I think im gonna go to bed and just think to myself and concentrate on "what am i going to do?". I love her and its extremely hard to give up someone that you've liked for a while. So idk what else to say. Im hurt and i think when i pull the dagger outa my heart, i think im just gonna show the ones i love how much torture and pain ive gone through.


Daniel
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