Monday, February 13, 2006

Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child-Part 15-No One Cared Then, No One Cares Now
when we finished of the coffee me and Tuck were gonna see what we were gonna do. cigeratte in hand, we set of for the day. we came to the Fairville Community Church. it was a shack, a place where people went to worship God. my parents never took me. i didnt know shit about God all my life, and i always thought He was just out to screw me over. that probobly wasnt true, but i didnt care wat was anymore i had my own life and beliefs. we saw the pastor walking down the steps. i wasnt sure what to expect. "what a beautiful day aye brothers?" he said in a cherry voice. me and Tuck looked at each other and laughed. "uh sure, brother..." i said. me and Tuck laughed. "im sure you were on your way to worship god, am i right?" he asked. "not really....we were gonna go buy some smokes and drink, maybe party and cut a little bit." i said. "yeah u know, i guess we could think about god while doing it though." Tuck said. we laughed. the pastor was surpirsed we'd mock him like that. "i have a kid like you guys. i would guess you'd know him. his name is Teddy." he said. "yes we know him...." i said. "well, Teddy has problems just like you. he was inisent once and ever since his mother died he hasnt been the same. hes had pain about it, but he cant seem to put it behind him." he explained. "pain isnt that easy to put behind you, sometimes the pain that wasnt so hard on you is but other times the pain that was peircing like a knife leaves a bigger scar. one that you see everyday and never forget." i said seriously. i thought that the pastor might be an alchoholic maybe that was what might have bothered Teddy. the fact that his mother died and his father had a problem with drinking after that. "whats your name kid?" he asked. "Kurt, Kurt Blackwood.." i said. Tuck gulpped, he was sure that the pastor would know something about me. he wasnt scared, but he wasnt so sure about telling him about it. "so your the Blackwood boy, the one they've been looking for. i know about you. Teddy speaks fondly of you. he says your an inspiration to kids with pains around here. they call you Kurt-Cain, and your the leader of all these hooligans around here. yes i know very much about you....." he said with a grin. "yeah, i am...." i said with confidence. he seemed a little intimadated. "i understand why you have problems. your parents were drunks. i knew your father very well. not your mother so much, but your dad and i were friends. after he was killed, you left and then your house burned down. after that i didnt hear much about you. you dissapeared from Fairville and ran off to New York City." he said. he continued, "did you kill your dad Kurt?" he asked. "why?" i asked. "because, i think you did son. you have so much sin in your life. it bothers you. does it not?" he quized. "no in fact i enjoy pain very much. and you are some kind of alchoholic. i know, ive heard Teddy say you were out drinking with my dad a couple times. and you too also have problems, so i wouldnt be pointing fingers." i said. Tuck was agreeing and was waiting for the pastor to address him. "its true, your father and i went out sometimes but thats beyond the point, did you not kill your father son." he asked again. i paused and looked to the ground and then away into the horizon, "yes, yes i did, and you know what?" i said "what?" he asked, "i dont regret it, not for one fucking second of my life. as a matter of fact, i think it was the thing ive done for myself my entire life." i said "did you burn down your house as well?" he asked "no, no i didnt, and i woundnt lie." i said. he looked at me and shook his head, "and you what about you" he said to Tuck. Tuck looked at him, "i'm Tuck Heinzman" he said. the pastor looked at him, "yes ive heard of you too. your Kurt's right hand man. your parents live over on Grassfield Blvd. they kicked you out. nobody really hears from them much anymore." the pastor said. "hey, you know u know us now what is your name?" i interrupted. "i am Pastor Fredrick Simmons, and ive known you boys ever since Teddy insists on talking about you all the time." he said. "so what are you gonna do now? call the police and have me turned in? send me away and ruin the lives of thousands of kids in the Tri-State area?" i asked. "no, i am gonna pray for you, and hope that you'll bring your lives back to God." he answered. "i'd doubt it, we're ruined." i said. "no son, your just lost. and someday, maybe, you can be saved from your pain...." he said. "maybe not...." i said. "well you never know." he said. "i have to run, God Bless You kids." he said. with that he turned and walked down the sidewalk and soon he was gone. me and Tuck looked at each other. we thought that was a major waste of time and by 3:00 maybe it came in handy. we were sitting on the curb of the Sheetz smoking cigerattes when Teddy went inside. we got up and went in. "hey Teddy what's up?" i asked. "hey you can't smoke in here." said the manager as he walked by. "sir, please stop harrassing me and go swab the fuckin toilet." i said he didnt reply he just walked of. Tuck flipped him the bird everytime he looked at us. "i'm leavin guys." he said as he grabbed a Rock Star energy drink out of the freezer. it was ironic how we were talking to Teddy's dad earlier and how Teddy was having a crisis. "well, why?" asked Tuck as he grabbed a Rock Star too. "because im taking care of my dad's drunk ass night after night and i'm tired of him coming home after hes gone forever. im tired of his fugly girlfriend and im tired of life as i know it..." he answered "we was talkng to your dad today, he didnt say he cared for you at all." i said, i knew this wasnt helping, but didnt Teddy deserve to know?" "yeah i know he doesnt..." he said as he walked over to the check out. "well, where are you gonna go?" i asked. Tuck hid his Rock Star in his pocket and the clerk snapped and pointed to the counter. Tuck layed it up there. "i dont know, i was planning on going to the city or something." Teddy said as he looked at the srceen with the total $3.15 on it and handed money to the clerk. Tuck did the same. i knew that Teddy couldnt handle the city. and i also knew the cops were out to get me as well. so it was probobly a good idea for me and Tuck to go, but then Teddy wouldnt have any help. "you can stay at the bridge." Tuck suggested as we walked out the door. Teddy just stood there and pondered. "yeah, maybe i could. i dont't think my dad would look for me." he said. "yeah, your welsome to come down there with us." i said. "yeah i think i'll do that." he said. he looked out into the horizon. and saw the sun just getting ready to set, "no one cared then, no one cares now." he said. he sounded lke he was gonna cry. i knew it was hard for him. i didnt want him to be upset. "it will be ok man, we've got your back if you need anything." Tuck said. "yeah, you'll learn to enjoy it." i said. i thought of Niles at that moment. i had no idea where he could have been. i worried for him. if Teddy wasnt very emotionally set for this, then would Niles be ok? i felt like it was my responsiblity. like he was my little brother and i needed to watch out for him. but something told me that he would be alright, and he would pop up from time to time seeing how much he was fond of me. like actually and phsically was his brother. he didnt have any siblings after all. "Kurt?" Tuck asked as he snapped his fingers in front of my face. "oh what?" i asked shaking off my thoughts. "are you ok man?" Tuck asked. "yeah, yeah im fine..." i answered. Teddy stared at me like there was something wrong with me. but he just turned away and started walking with us to where his life was gonna be forever. you could tell he was new to it. he didnt look like us. he had feelings. you could see it in his eyes he body. he was going to have it rough. but i knew he would ajust. anything out here had way more to offer him than his old life. "oh fuck i need a smoke" Tuck said has he pulled a cigeratte out of his pocket. he handed one to each me and Teddy. "you smoke?" Tuck asked as he lit his cigeratte. "yes actually i do, i just dont drink.." Teddy replied. "why?" i asked as i lit my cigeratte too. "because my dad is an achoholic, and i dont wanna turn out like him" he replied. Tuck handed him his lighter and he lit it and handed it back to Tuck. "i thought your dad was a drunk" i said taking a drag. Teddy looked at me as he took one too then blew the smoke out and looked out into the horizon. "ever since my mom....." he stopped. "i know..." i said he looked down and he had the sadest expression ive ever seen on anyone's face. "it'll be ok Teddy." i said nicely. "i know, its just, she was the only one who ever cared for me, and now she's gone forever" he said eyes watering. "how long?" i asked. "3 years in May" he answered throwing his cigeratte to the ground. "well, should we head back?" Tuck said as he threw his cigeratte down. i did the same and me and Teddy followed him. coversation was sparing. we hardly talked at all on the way there. Teddy wasnt sure what he was in for. he was thinking maybe he was gonna get some sort of iniation. when we got back it was 5:00 and the sun was gone and the sky was glowing orange. everyone was looking at Teddy. most of them knew Teddy, but were puzzled that he was down under the bridge. he didnt really mind, and it wasnt as bad as he suspected. "Tuck, find somewhere for Teddy to sleep." i said Tuck nodded and showed Teddy a place near him. i looked into the horizon as most people do when the think. the wind blew my hair into my eyes and a chill went up my spine from the cold as well as my thoughts. the stars were coming out, and the night was coming, and that ment, so were the nightmares.....but tonight, i could tell, it was going to be out of the ordinary...

to be continued
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Thursday, February 2, 2006

Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child-Part 14-Out Of Nowhere, a Physical Flashback
i cant say life ogt any better for me. but it was staying the same. it was worse. far worse than any other time of my life. maybe coming back to the suburbias wasnt the best idea. because when i got there, the smell, the atmosphere, the pure thought of staying where i was brought back haunting memories of my past. sleeping was hard, everything got harder. life was going down hill for me, and it was only gonna get worse. i woke up at 4 in the morning a couple of nights after the whole insident with the cops. i had 2 worry about them finding my ass and hauling me off, another reason my sleep went down the drain, but this night was far different from any of that. i woke up with a nudge of my shoulder. "hey-hey-hey you!!!" sumone said as they nudged me again, i groaned and rolled over, "K-K-K-Kurt!!!" the voice said again. i was adgetated, "WHAT!!!!" i yelled sitting up. the kid looked at me. he was no older than 13. i took a good look at his twitching face, and reliezed i know the kid. it was Niles, one of the youngest kids out here. he was never this high, "Niles?" i said looking at him funny. "the-the-the one and only." he answered with a stutter. "what have you been smoking?" i asked as i rubbed my eyes and stood up. i stretched my arms, and Niles was thinking really hard, "w-w-w-well, these kids at the....school, they can score some sweet shit. yeah it was a downer on my piggy bank, b-b-b-but it paid off." he said nervously. he wasnt high, he was in withdrawal. Tuck came down the raod a couple minutes after that. "where were u?" i asked. "Sheetz, cigerattes, u get the senario..." he said as he flashed a pack of Malboro cigerattes. he looked at my side and he took one out and lit it, "oh hey Niles." he said as he took a puff, "NILES!?!?!" he yelled as he blew the smoke out of his mouth. "he-he-hey Tuck, long time n-n-no s-s-see." he said twitching. Tuck was stunned, last time we saw Niles he was a sober street punk. he skated, and was new to the life. now he was an addict. "oh my god kid, your a fuckin addict!!!" he said as he stared at him. Niles didnt know wat way was up or down, he probobly wanted something to smoke. he was willing, but i wasnt sure it would be the best idea to give it to him. but, "dude, isnt it a school night?" i teased. Tuck laughed, we were gonna screw with him, "s-s-s-so, come on i need it Kurt!!! Tuck? any1!?!?" he said straining 4 something to light up. either that of some Coke. anything he could get his grubby little paws on. "god Niles, go home!!! come back when you've got some sense." Tuck said. Treating Niles like shit wasnt the way to be, he was a little crack whore, but werent we all at one time? I looked at Tuck, kind of telling him 2 smoke and leave Niles alone. "im going back 2 bed man" Tuck said as he turned away. "all rite, nite man" i said, Niles sort of nodded, he was lost for words. "let's walk shall we?" i said as i went off into a direction. Niles hit himself in the head, and walked next to me. he stumbled over, and walked beside me. this boy needed 2 chat with me. and i needed to get him out why he was ahead. "so why did u turn to drugs?" i asked. i seemed more mature, more driven. like becomeing an insomniac was making me think more, talk less. "w-w-w-well, i just wanted them, u know, become more street, get out when i could." he was trying to keep it straight. not trying to act so withdrawn from wat he wanted, needed. "well, your 13, i didnt even leave when i was 13!!!" i said. "well, i havent either." he said not stuttering. "i ran away, they're lookin for me" he said looking at his feet. "what are you gonna do?" i asked looking around me. he looked up and looked away, away into the horizon, he was blank, but the most serious ive ever seen him, "run" he said. i was silent. "run, Kurt, run far away. and they wont find me, they'll stop looking. the school, everyone. i'll be dead, gone, everyone will forget Niles Remmington, the one that got away. Pffft, nobody cares anyway, my dad beats the living shit out of me, and my mom just sits back and watches, wacthes me suffer. she doesnt stand up for me, she doesnt care" he explained. and i wanted to cry. because my past bothered me so much. and i let it, and i wanted it to. i wanted the pain, i luved it, i lived for it. masocation. it was what i loved more than life itself. and it made me hungry for it. the thoughts made me want it so badly. i was hooked, addicted. "yeah, yeah that can bother a person..." i said absently. i heard wat he said, i heard it loud and clear. he was me when i was 13. and he was gonna fall in2 wat i was. "Kurt, how come nothing bothers you?" he asked as the wind blew his black, long, shaggy hair. he ruffled his My Chemical Romance hoodie as he scratched his chest, and waited for my answer. i grabbed him by his color and looked him the eye, crazied. "everything bothers me. and if u continue, everything will bother you too. i just take it out on myself, and sumday, it will kill me. i need 2 learn to stop it, but i won't, im to dumb and too fucked up to give a shit, so theres a little secret for ya." and i let him go with those words. he stared at me, like i was a crazy homeless deadbeat begging 4 money, food, anything to help him out. he broke the trance, "u got anything?" he asked pulling a wad of cash out of his pocket. "where did u get that?" i asked staring at it. "birthday, grandma, whatever, u have anything at all? please! anything, marajuana, cocain, heroin...anything?" he asked with a sence of excitment. he reeeeeally wanted something. "yeah, yeah i do." i said. i pulled a couple joints out of my Taking Back Sunday hoodie, and handed then 2 Niles. he handed my $2,000. "no, i cant take all this, you'll need it...." i said trying 2 hand it back 2 him. "NO!!!!" he yelled pushing it away, "you keep it, i have more than i need." he said as he looked toward New York City. i ruffled his hair like a little kid, "we should call u Narcotic Niles or somethin." i said with a grin. we laughed a little and then became silent. "i hope i see ya around, buddy." he said as he stuffed the drugs into his pocket. "yeah, you take care of yourself." i said as he looked at me like i was his big brother. "i will Kurt, i will" he said as he walked away. he was gone. and i couldnt stop him. and he reminded me of me when i was 13. back when i was new to the streets, when i was a loser. but i could tell Niles was in 4 big things. big things. i walked back 2 the bridge and it was 7:00 when i got there. the sun was rising, and Tuck was drinking a coffee from Sheetz when i got back. "so whats new with the kid?" Tuck asked as he handed me his coffee. "oh nothin really, he's leaving..."i said as i took a sip. "good for him, it's good to start out early, easier 2 cope." he said as i handed him back his coffee. "yeah, he's got it made." i said looking forward and thinking about last night. "whatcha wanna do today, dude?" Tuck asked as he took out a cigeratte. "i dont know Tuck, i just dont know." i said as i was still looking foward still. We were in for something, but what? i guess we'll find out soon.

to be continued
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Thursday, January 19, 2006

Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child-Part 13-Welcome To The Armpit Of Anarchic America
if someone is in a fight, and all u can hear is the beaming of voices, back and forth, odds r if u hear a gunshot, the fight is over, and the one who isnt bleeding 2 death, or the one holding the gun pointed toward the sky and drywall is falling on his head is the winner. but sumtimes, there is an emotional gunshot, in most words, it would mean that the one who goes above the volume witch they were screaming makes the room quiet, therefore, no one can think of anything else 2 say, and the fight is over, and the person who screamed the loudest won. there were alot f both these types of fighting around here, and i probobly have only endured a gunfight once in my life. but after countless fights with Tuck, i made a promise 2 myself, nvr 2 get out of hand, and shot him. then Christmas and New Years had cum and past, and life had gone normally for the while. by the middle of Jaunuary, it seemed like everything was back on track. but when i think about it, it nvr really did, becuz life as we knew it was over. "hey Kurt, hey Kurt" Tuck yelled as he ran toward me. i wasnt in the mood, we were at a party at Tuck's brother Art's house, it was l at night, and Tuck was fithy drunk. "what?...." i asked not very interested. i was trying 2 get in2 sum girl's pants, and Tuck was the least of my worries. it was a cold night. and i was gonna crack if i didnt get some action anytime soon. i was loney, lost, but i couldnt tell anyone that. i was drunk, stoned, and when that happens, i tend 2 say screw it, and give the world a big fuck u. it didnt hurt anyhting? wat did i have left? i guess thats how i always felt, after the night back in December. and the nightmares, oh the nightmares. it was almost every nite when all my regreted thoughts came 2 haunt me. but i didnt care at this moment, i was in a pool of girls, and i had better things 2 think about. Tuck barfed all over the floor. "aw, that was real nice, sh-sh-shitwit." i stuttered. i threw a beer at him. "owwwww, dammit!!!" Tuck said as he rubbed him shoulder. then Tuck and I statred laughing uncontrolably. then the girls sarted laughing, then the whole party. it wasnt really that funny. but, when your stomach if ful of beer, and your head is full of smoke, anything seems pretty damn funny. we stopped laughing, and every1 got back 2 wat they were doing. we were all pretty wasted by now, and we had no sence watsoever. it went great 4 a while, the around 2 o'clock a cop car pulled up and we could hear sirens. "OK U JUVENILLE DELIQUETS!! HAUL YOUR ASSES OUT OF THERE AND OUT HERE IMMEDIATELY!!!PARTY'S OVER!!!!" the cop yelled throgh a bullhorn, and every1 knew wat would happen if we went outside. they would get wat they wanted, the party 2 stop, im not sure why. it was on the worst side of town, and no one for blocks and maybe even miles could here us, except the neighborhood of pot heads. but they would have got sumthing else they wanted. me. anything i was tied 2 was a bad thing were i cum from. if i even look at a cop at the mall, theyd take me down, or id better say attempt 2. i was the most wanted bad ass around, and i loved it. yeah, they did arrest my friends, but they were willing. we werent gonna go without a fite, and knowing me, when im drunk, and threatened, the affects of the achohol wear off, and im myself again. i cared 2 much 4 wat i had, it was almost nuthing, but it was still sumthing. "WELL, R WE GONNA HAVE 2 TAKE THIS INSIDE??!!?!?!" the cop screamed again. most of every1 in there was drunk, so they had no idea wat was going on. i was ditermined 2 get them away from us. "HEY U!! YEAH U,U FUCKIN COP, CUM ON IN, THERES ENOUGH BEER 4 EVERY1, AND POT 2 IF U WANT IT!!!!" i yelled as i stuck my head out the window. they were furious. the one cop who was always on my tail, Mark Brady, and his partner, Denny Gibbons, werent the brightest, but brought down people anyway. u dont always have 2 b smart 2 b a cop. "HOLY SHIT!!!" Mark screamed, "wat?" asked Denny, so stupidly he didnt even know wat was going on. "IT'S THAT KURT-CAIN KID!!!! U KNOW THE ONE THATS WANTED 4 UNDERAGED PARTIES, AND ILLEGAL DRUG POSETION!!!!" Mark answered. i overheard, "THATS RITE U FAT ASS, JUST CUM ON, TRY AND GET ME!!! JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER TIME!! U AINT GONNA CATCH ME!!!!" i screamed, taunting him, trying 2 egg him on. i was developing a plan. "lets get em, Denny" Mark said as he cocked his gun. every1 inside the house was silent. "ok, every1 go out the back, and down the hill, dont cum back, find sumwhere 2 hide, got it?" i whispered standing at the door trying 2 hear them comming. nobody seemed drunk at all, they were all acting serious. "got it" they all agreed quietly, "got it" there were only around 150 kids there, and they at least had 2 ditch a party once in their life. they all headed 4 the back, and filed out, and soon afterward, no one was in site. Tuck was standing by my side, "wat do we do?" he asked me quietly. "oh, u think i got that far, work with me here!!" i whispered back. the cops were drawing towards the door by this time, and we needed a plan. "stay here.." i said as i opened the door, and pulling my gun outta my pocket, "but Kurt..." Tuck said. i interrupted him, "just trust me here..." the cops were almost at the porch when i stepped on2 it. i help my gun high in the air....


BAM


they stopped in their tracks. "now boy, we can go with a fight..." Mark said. i interrupted him, "oh u bet your ass there will b a fight." i pointed my gun in his direction.

BAM

it hit the trash can on the curb, and the cops started freaking out. "RUN TUCK!!!" i yelled as we jumped off the porch and starting running off the lawn. Mark soon reliezed that he was ok, and so was Denny, so they ran back 2 their car, and started following us. "the hell im gonna let some juvenile deliquet make a fool outta me." he said as he slammed the car door. Denny turned on the siren and the lights. Tuck and i stopped after a couple mintutes, with the notion we lost them, "did we..." Tuck asked outta breath, i cut him off, "shh!!!" i listened closey, and could hear the sirens in the distance, and see the lights faintly. "let's go!!!" i urged as me and Tuck started running again. we got 2 the bridge, and it was like we were trapped, we had no where else 2 run. the cops pulled up behind us, "now boys, your in deep trouble, runnin from the law, runnin...." i cut him off. "THE HELL WITH THE LAW, AND THE HELL WITH YOU!!!!" he was mad, he was speaking like he had authority. i jumped up on the banaster of the bridge. i had an idea. "boy, u know your rong, and dont act like u did nuhtin." he said. "then i guess theres nuthing left...." i said. Tuck had no idea wat was going on. "YOUR DAMN RITE THERE AINT!! NOT 4 U ANYWAY BOY!!!! ITS OVER!!!!" he yelled at me. i rolled my eyes at him. he wasnt paying attenion 2 Tuck, he just wanted me, i was the leader after all. "u and your, punk mafia, or watever the hell yous kids call it, now get down from there!!" he demanded. "kiss my ass!!" i said in defiance. "DONT U DISRESPECT ME BOY!!!" he yelled. i pulled my gun out, cocked it, and pointed it towards that fat son of a bitch, "i dont respect u, probobly nvr will, so i guess ill c u in hell." i put the gun 2 my head,fell backwards, and shot it. Mark ran 2 the edge of the bridge, and he saw sumthing hit the water. "awwww, thats a shame, he's dead" he said laughing. he thought he had won. i was thinking, pffffft, hardly.he walked back 2 his car, laughing all the way there. Tuck ran 2 the edge of the bridge, and he looked over the side. he saw me on a shitty street matreess laughing. ther was a platform where construction workers stood when the bridge needed work, and sum weird assed kid named Justin, lived down there, and had the matress laying there so if u jumped, u would land on it. he needed it there becuz, when he left he had 2 get back down without hurting himself, and if sum1 decided 2 drop in sumtime neither would they. "thanks man" i said 2 Justin, "no problem man anytime" he said as i was climbing the rafters 2 the top of the bridge. Tuck was wowed. he nvr saw me do anything like that b4. "now, 4 the final part of the plan" i said as i escorted Tuck 2 a house down the road. i knocked on the door. "can i borrow your car?" i asked as the guy, Teddy answered. Teddy was a good friend of mine, and he let me do wat ever i wanted with his stuff."damn Kurt, its 2 in the morning!!!" he said yawning. "yeah yeah thats great, can i borrow your car?" i asked again, anxiouly. "yeah i guess" he glaced around, "oh hey Tuck, how r u?" he said rubbing his eyes, "hey,im fine, u?" Tuck said. "ok" Teddy answered. "ok, wonderful, we're all fine and dandy!! "just give me the damn keys!" i demanded. "ok here, im goin back 2 bed." he said as he handed me the keys. "just dont fuck it up" he yelled as me and Tuck ran down his sidewalk, "i wont i promise" i said as i got in. he turned and closed the door, and i drove away. Tuck was in the passengers seat, "wat r we doin Kurt?" he asked laughing. "watch and learn, Tuck, watch and learn...." i said as we came near The Fairville Police Station. i honked the horn and stuck my head out the window, "HEY OFFICER LARD ASS, IM BACK FROM THE DEAD U FAT SON OF A BITCH!!!! WAT THE FUCK DO U THINK ABOUT THAT U FAT BASTARD!!!?!?!?!!" i yelled. he ran toward the door with a donut in his hand. "ILL GET U U FUCKIN KID!!! WATEVER IT TAKES!!!" he said, with his mouth full of the sprinkled Krispy Kreme donut in his hand. i gave honked the horn, gave him the finger and yelled, "FUCK YOU!!!!!" and i rolled up the window. Tuck was laughing. we high fived and were laughing all the way back 2 Teddy's. he didnt know wat was soo funny, but we nvr told him. we got back under the bridge late, around 4, and every1 was under there surprisingly. i was tired, and Tuck was too. i could tell, we were all in 4 a hangover. so rite b4 i went 2 bed i rote

ive forgotten i guess
life not normal
screwing the rest
the nitemares
oh the nightmares
the horrid nightmares
and i dont even care
about my life here anymore
how i left
screwed it all
slammed the door
but im not gonna dread on it anymore
im losing it as it is
the madness
its madness
my madness
i have 2 stop it all
the demons
they call
and i wont speak
no more fear shown
this is the last time
im writing about my broken home

and then, i relectantly, closed my eyes, and the nitemares, began


to be continued
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Sunday, January 15, 2006

Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child-Part 12-My Vacation From Masocation
the bus stopped at the Fairville Bus Station. we got there an hour after we left. we got our stuff, and luged it back 2 the bridge. "HEY EVERY1!!!!! LOOK WHO IT IS!!!! ITS TUCK AND KURT!!!!" Greg yelled. they all looked up from wat they were doing and stampeded over. "I HEARD U KILLED MADDOG!!!" sum1 screamed from the right, "I HEARD YOU ALMOST GOT KILLED!!!" sum1 screamed from the left. "HOLD IT!!! HOLD IT!!!!" Greg yelled as he stepped in front of us, "GIVE EM SOME ROOM 2 BREATHE!!!" he continued. every1 scattered, they didnt wanna start a fite. "yeah i held down the fort while u were gone, sum1 has 2 watch these guys" Greg said, like i owed him sumthing. pffft, hardly. "yeah i have 2 say the gand couldnt have been taken care of with a leader here." i said sarcastically. Tuck was almost laughing. "wat whould i go without such a good friend as u?" i said. "oh Kurt u know u can count on me." Greg said. he was trying 2 make me feel guilty or sumthing. but either way, he wanted rewarded. "oh i know your my best friend!!" i sealed the deal with an egknoledgeing hug, "wat would i do without u Greg?" i pretended 2 cry. i wound have been crying anyway, he was sooo dumb, probobly from all the drugs he was doing. every1 was laughing, Tuck coulnt stop. "HEY!!!! DONT MAKE FUN OF KURT BECUZ HES SENSITIVE!!" Greg said, he had no idea wat was going on. i pulled away from him. "let me put it this way, wat WOULDNT i do without u!!!" we were all laughing, and it took him till every1 was dun 2 figure it out. "oh u guys r asses!!!!!" he stomped off. buy the time it was 7:00 every1 had gone out 2 party and deal. me and Tuck we tired, plus after living in the city, they parties out here sucked. "well?..." Tuck said taking a cigeratte out. "well wat?" i asked. i was confused. "well, here we r!!" he said standing up from where he was sitting. he was frustrated i could tell. "y did we cum back?" he asked as he lit his cigeratte. "well, i dont know...." i answered. "ya c! u dont know!!!" he was getting agetated, a fight was comming on. "u know wat Tuck, u need 2 quit being so god damn self centered, and worry about sumthing other than yourself!!!" i said in defense. i laid my head down on my pillow. "WHATEVER I COULD FUCKIN CARE LESS!!!!" he through his cigeratte down, and started 2 walk over 2 where he slept. "WELL MAYBE U SHOULD GET OFF FUCKIN BACK!!!!" i yelled getting up from where i was laying. Tuck turned around, shaken, startled. "AND MAYBE SHOULD B A LITTLE MORE GREATFUL 4 ALL IVE DUN 4 U!!!!!" i yelled. i had 2 present a problem sumhow, and i had 2 get out y he didnt wanna b here, "OH PLEEZE IVE HAD 2 GO ALONG WITH EVERYTHING UVE DUN!!!" IVE PULLED YOUR SORRY ASS OUTTA THE GUTTER MORE TIMES THAN EITHER OF US CAN COUNT!!!" he yelled back. "WELL ITS NOT LIKE I HAVENT DUN ANYTHING 4 U!!!! i screamed. "PLEEZE I DO MORE BY ACCIDENT THAN U DO ON PURPOSE!!!" he beamed back. "FINE IM FUCKIN LEAVING!!!!" i stormed off. "FINE JUST GO!!!!" Tuck yelled. i turned. "FUCK YOU!!!!" i screamed, and gave him the finger. i turned back around and it was done. i couldnt deal with it. i had 2 figure out y Tuck was so upset about being here. and i figured it out. it was where he lost everything. he had hardly anything 2 begin with, and now, there wasnt much left. i came 2 Hoover. i had 2 do it. i walked 2 where my house was. i stood there. i thought of how i lived, how i grew up. Tuck came along soon. "i thought id find u here. listen Kurt im sorry, i just...." i cut him off "its ok, i understand." i said. i looked at my house, "yeah, i guess i nvr reliezed how much ive lost, and how much nobody cared." i said in defense of Tuck's concern. "Kurt, id do anything 4 u." Tuck said, wailing compassionatly. "even kill me?" i asked darkly, almost like i was pycho. "well Kurt..." Tuck tried 2 make an excuse. "would u?" i paused dramatically, "could u?" there was nuthing left in wat i had said. no emotion, just a blank statement. Tuck looked at me funny. his eys said, "r u asking me 2 murder u?" he nvr asked that physically, but emotionally he did, many many times. he ran it through his mind, over and over, like he just heard the most unexpected thing ever. like< green Day is breaking up or sum1 we hung out with saying 50 Cent is soooo fuckin cool!! i really didnt know where 2 go from there. anything was really expected, even tuck pulling a gun out replying, "yes i could" and shoting me rite between the eyes. i didnt care. any1 who asks u 2 kill them either REALLY wants 2 die, or REALLY wants attention. id grwon accustomed 2 murder. i was after all......a murderer. i on the otherhand at this moment wanted 2 be the murdered. i wanted my blood 2 run down the sidewalk, and in2 the storm drain. i figured, wats ever gonna becum of me? i cant stay out here 4ever. i was gonna b 16 in febuary, and i was gonna have 2 leave these streets sumday and find something i was good at. i can write, and draw, and even play guitar. Tuck was a drummer 2. we had a band, but that all fell apart when Tuck got kicked out. verything, all at once, going through my mind. i was in a blank stare, pail, absent minded, dumbfounded, dumbstruck, it could hardly explain it. i looked at where my shitty ghetto house used 2 sit, and i looked up at Tuck. i thought of who cared about my parents dying, and if my mom cared that i killed my dad. then, i got down on my knees, i felt like the nite my house burned down. suisidal. i was a normal kid at one time. i didnt want this. i was a little boy, with dreams 2 b an author, or sumthing like that. but, when i gave up, after the 4th broekn arm, age of 12, i resorted 2 my only option. the streets. those nights, not knowing wat 2 do. bloody arms, cuts. the scars of year past. i looked at them all. they all told a story. there r still so many. theyll nvr go away. just like the past. its a reminder, sort of symbolizing hwo when u suffer, and that never goes away. time really doesnt heal all wounds, just makes them deeper. i still 2 this day look at those scars and relieze wat i had 2 sacrifise, and it will always haunt me. Tuck started 2 turn and said, "i understand wat u want..." he started walking off, and ass he dissapeared in2 the distance he yelled, "just think long and hard about it!!" and he was out of sight. back 2 the bridge, the shitty ghetto suburban bridge. just like my house. just like everything in Fairlville. Fairville damn well, New fuckin Jersey, as i usually called it. and i remember my first party, my first drag, my first time having sex,my first time being high, when i started dealing, when me and Tuck went ful-time street, we broke apart from life, but not just for a fight, or a small rebellion, but permanatly. most of all when we sealed the deal, the past scars, and we would nvr 4get that. when we died our hair black, started using eyeliner, the whole thing. we were the real deal. suming id nvr thought id b i was. when your born, u dont know who u are, but they say in your teen years u define yourself. make yourself who u r. and then and there. we knew who we were. we were ready for it all. we were gonna take on the world. Tuck and i fuguring out how 2 weasel out of the system. fucked with who we could. we did it all. and we h8ed ourselves 4 it at first. but we grew accustomed 2 it. a life of pure sin. we were nobodies. we were just another face in the crowd. Non-Conformist, Anarchist, Punk Rock, Rebellious, Broken, Drug Addicted, Bad-Ass, and so much more than that. but that nite. that nite i, yes, i, Kurt Blackwood, became the ruler, the leader, the holy fuck, shit and everything else. i got it all, and i had it all after that nite. it was a party. the biggest suburbian street punk party ever known. me and Tuck were there, hardly getting anything from any1 there. it was October of last year and i was in late 14 and Tuck was too seeing his birthday is in April. "hey kid!!!" one guy said 2 me. "hey, u new here?" he asked me. "yeah...sorta." i answered. "u want sum street cred?" he quizzed again. the answer was obvious, "fuck yes i do!!!" i repiled ditermined. he answered, "ok" and lead me toward a stage where a whole bunch of local punk rock bands were playing. Tuck followed me, and he was in the front row. "Hey every1!!!! who wants 2 challenge..." he paused. "whats your name kids?" he asked, whispering 2 me, hand over the microphone. "Kurt" i said back 2 him. "Kurt here!!!" every1 looked sorta confused. The guy thought fast, "Kurt Cocaine!!! oh my fuckin god u dont know him?? hes the ONLY guy out herre who's ever done 10 joints and 5 lines of Coke in 1 hour without passing out. every1 gasped, and no one said anything about challenging me. "cum on Bucky, u know ill take him!!!" a voice beamed from the back. he pushed through the crowd. Bucky, better known as Bucky-Bullet, one of if not the best drug dealer around, looked at the guy and said, "ok!! we have a challenger!!!" it was a guy named Maxly-Marajuana, he did nearly anything 4 a joint. "ok, first 2 finish or be standing last wins!!!" he paused, "GO!!!!" i had started to snort the Coke. i didnt stop between lines. i had all five down in 30 minutes. i was dizzy, but i went on 2 the joints. Mxly, was on his ninth, and he looked like he was gonna have a heart attack and die. he hadnt even gotten 2 the 5, 6 inch lines of Coke on the table. i went 2 at a time. each round 5 mintues long. finally, 55 minutes in2 it, i was dun. the crowd went wild. "the winner, Kurt Cocaine!!!" the sound was deafening. Maxly, had fell backwards, and passed out after his second line. i felt like a clamp was squeezing on my head. it felt like i was gonna burst. every1 thered knew me after that. left and right, "hey Kurt Cocaine!!" Tuck was thrilled. i was secretly, but i didnt say anything. i was trying 2 act like it was no big deal. by the time we left it was 1:00AM and i got back in my window, and Tuck's parents couldnt hear an elephant run through the house. by the end of the week every1 knew me, and they made me the first 2 lead. i dropped the "Co" in Cocaine a couple weeks after that, 4 various reasons. it sounded like, Kurt Cobian from Nirvana, which i like Nirvana, but i found it tacky and cliqued. plus, i tried that same stunt again, and i nearly had a seisure and landed in the hospitial for a week. i came outta my flashback. it took me till 2:00AM, but i still hardly felt any better. i walked across the bridge. i looked down on the Wasteland. i looked at New York City, i looked at myself in the silver lamposts. my pysical reflection made me reflect emotionally. i was tired, so i went down under the bridge and tried 2 fall asleep. But Tuck walked over, and was smoking over my head, "one of these days Kurt, we're gonna be sumthing better than this..." he paused, "and i cant wait" "no, Tuck, we are who we are, and it wont even b 5 years before we're outta here. but sumday, far off, maybe." i returned looking up at the bottom of the bridge. it was blocking the sky, or else i would have been lookinn at the stars. but i couldnt look Tuck in the face, and i didnt. he puffed his cigeratte, and turned and went back 2 where he was standing. and yelled 2 me, "u just keep believin that!!" and sat down on the curb where he finished his cigeratte, and eventually fell asleep. i wrote...

this was not intended at all
every broken fight
every broken fall
we are
who we are
it is
very hard
we are
we are lost
and no one will do a damn thing about it
even if u go into a crowded room and shout it
masocate
it's to late
and now my past regrets r shown
and i must face nightmares
of my broken home

and i fell asleep, awaiting the nightmares, that were awaiting me.

to be continued
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Thursday, December 29, 2005

Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child-Part 11-Blood, Sex, And Booze (The Elements Of The Streets)
i woke up the next morning, and Tuck was sitting in the window, smoking a cigertatte. anytime he ever wanted 2 think, Tuck usually sat in the window with a cigeratte. it just kept him away from the world, it was his time, his time 2 reflect what needed 2 b dealt with. "such a nasty place" he said as he looked below him. seeing where the street was stained with our blood. he looked over on the block, and saw people coming outta a bar. people being thrown out, and other people outside the door, shooting the breeze. dealing drugs and smoking. then he thought of last night. he couldnt imagine that i slept with his girl. "im in distress, oh mistress i confess......." he sang, as if moking me. i knew that song. Blood, Sex, and Booze, a very disturbing Green Day song. "Tuck, im leaving" i said fermly. "i know" Tuck said "but i........" i started saying, "no, no need 2 explain, i want out 2 Kurt, i really do. but we cant leave. this is where we belong, where we came from. i dont know if we can just leave......" he wasnt excited, or freaking, he was just there. christmas was 4 days away, and it wasnt really exciting at all. nuthing seemed 2 matter anymore. it was like i was just there. what was there left 2 benefit from out here? just like the first thing Tuck said that morning, "such a nasty place" and it was, it was the worst place you could b. i was tired of it all. i really was, and 4 a moment i didnt wanna b Kurt-Cain, i wanted out. "i want out" i said. "what?" Tuck looked over at me. "dont u see Tuck? we deserve better than this, we need out" i said. i walked over 2 the window, and looked down. "whats our purpose?" i asked out loud. "do we have 1?" i asked again, each question, making everything more worthless when than the last. "whats its worth when it is worthless, whats its point when it is pointless." i picked my head up and looked over 2 Tuck, "and what its hope if it is hopeless?" Tuck looked at me puzzled. he didnt really understand what i was saying. and he wondered what was wrong with me. he looked back out the window, then back up at me. "Kurt, pleeze, tell me, what--" he said, "no Tuck, there is no way 2 explain........its all over" i looked back out the window. and put my head down on the ledge, i wasnt sure what i needed 2 do. i knew sure as hell, if i was gonna leave, then every1 would b left, and it would b no more. the whole gang would fall apart, and there would b no more punk gangs on the streets, and no leader. but i thought again, of what i would do, no one under me, and no where 2 go. the world, from what i knew, was very big. and all i had was where i was and who was around me. i had a corse of thoughts in my mind, but was i still the same old Kurt-Cain? did i still have it all? was i not as hardcore in your face kick ass as i used 2 b? i sat, hours, thinking the same thing. and Tuck sat there 2. we sat looking out the window. we thought and spoke no words. there was no way 2 describe what we thought. then it hit me


"THE SUBURBS!!!!"

i yelled. i startled Tuck. "WHAT THE FUCKIN HELL?!?!" he asked. "dont u see Tuck, we need out of the city, we dont belong here. we belong back in the suburbs........" Tuck stared at me. he was confused, i could tell, but he knew he could trust me. "Blood, Sex, and Booze" he said. i knew what he ment. he had adapted that saying, we used it as our key and our guide. it was the elements of the streets, all we knew, all we did. i called the bus station down in the bar. Stan, the manager, was sad 2 c us go. we had been there for so long. "come back soon, we need some of u Kurt-Cain 2 keep us going." people were literally, kissing my Converses, upset 2 c me go. i looked at Tuck, baffled and a bit weirded out, he shrugged, but i just looked back at them and let them do it. i was sorta soaking it all in. i was there for nealry a month and i figured it was time 2 go home. but b4 i did i wrote one last poem. the last poem the city would get from me for a while..........

back 2 New Jersey
gotta go
gotta leave
gotta get outta here
no need
no point 2 stay
no point 2 rome
time 2 go
time 2 go home
we'll meet again
NYC
head 2 head
u and me
so now im going back 2 what ive always known
back 2 my life
like during my broken home

and that evening, around 3:00 me and Tuck went 2 the bus station. on our way up the steps in2 the bus Tuck turned 2 me and said, "are we really gonna do this?" "yeah Tuck, until i can figure this mess out, we're going home" Tuck just cracked a tiny smile. we continued on our way up the steps, and sat down. Tuck said, "i think this is in our favor." i just said back, "yeah, we'll see" and with that the bus pulled off, on its way 2 Fairville, New Jersey." this shitty little town was where i needed 2 go. i needed 2 find myself. so that day, we left NYC, not looking back. and hoping, maybe, just maybe, it would make things better for us.



to be continued
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