Friday, December 23, 2005

Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child-Part 10-By Day Is Was White, Black With Sin By Night
i woke up in the morning and there was a rat in my pocket. i took the rat out and got up. it was humid and sticky and wet from where the snow had melted. it was like hell, no atmosphere. i was still upset, and i wondered where Tuck was. on down the street was a small bar, not the most popular but it got the job done. it was called Great Times Bar. i went in and sat at the bar. there were 2 other guys in there. the bartender asked "what can i get------" he stopped and stared, baffled that i Kurt-Cain was in a bar in the wasteland. "Kurt-Cain" on of the guys said who was sitting at the bar. "well ill b damned" the other one said. "ill have a Bacardi on the rox" i said. i ignored everything every1 was saaying. "here u go" the bartender said as he handed me my drink. i chugged it quickly and said, "another one over here!!!!" he gave me aother. and another and another until i was sooo drunk i couldnt c 2 feet in front of me. "a-a-a-a-a-nother one over here" i said. "no i think uve had enuff" the bartender said. i got up and grabed him by the color, "DONT TELL ME WHEN IVE HAD ENUFF ILL DECIDE THAT 4 MYSELF U GOT THAT!?!?! FUCK U!!!! YOUR USELESS!!!!!" i punched him and every1 in the bar stared at me, "WHAT R U LOOKIN AT U FUCKS!?!?
every1 looked away and i walked out the door of the bar. i only made it 10 feet then passed out in an alleyway. i woke up at 6:00 and got up. i puked by the dumpster, then kept walking. i had no idea where i was going, i just knew i needed 2 get sumwhere. "what the fuck is this shit!?!?" there was nuthing 2 do so thats all i had 2 say. nuthing as far as the eye could see. i leaned over on a building and pulled out a cigeratte and lit it. when i stuck my hand in my pocket i discovered my razor and my gun. i took the gun out, cocked it sutck it 2 my head closed my eyes and.......



"HEY!!!!"


a voice called just as i was about 2 pull the trigger. i opened my eyes. "HEY ABOVE U!!!!" it called again. i looked above my head, and there was sum guy hanging outta the window. "CUM UP HERE!!!" he yelled. i just looked over 2 the door, walked over 2 it and opened it. it was a staircase with rats and mice all over the floor. i went up the stair, 3 flights 2 b exact. i heard music cumming from behind the door and walked in. ther were people drinking and chain smoking and hanging out. and there was music playing too. "hey dude-----" he stopped and said, "oh my god, its Kurt-Cain!!" evry1 in the room stopped doing what they were doing, and the music stopped too, "Kurt-Cain" they all said 2gether in a wird way, "hi?" i said not sure what 2 think. "my name is Brandon, but u can call me Bran." he continued, "Reggie, pass me a grade A joint fot our leader here" this Reggie guy through a joint 2 Bran and he took a lighter outta his pocket. "4 u my leader" he handed it 2 me, as 2 honor me. "thanks, i need this" i lit it and took a puff. "dude u r gonna b rockin out with us in the greatest party of the centery!!!" he was sooo excited i was there. "the party starts in 1 hour, u can stay here until it starts" i sat down on one of the couthes in the room. a pile of joints 2 my left and a keg 2 my rite. every1 was siting around talking. but i just sat there and pondered. by the time it was 7:30 the room was full with people. every1 was makin out and fighting. some girl sat next 2 me and said, "hey im Trixie" she was drunk, i could tell. i rendered, "hey im Kurt" "oh my god, like Kurt the leader?" i thought but said, "yes no yes, yes im Kurt-Cain" "no way" she said. "way" i said then sipped my beer. she sat on my lap, "wow, i wanted 2 cum 2 the streets, 2 meet some tough guys and whatnot." "y r u out here?" i asked. "my dad was abusive and my mom was a nerves wreak so one night after a fight i left" she was comming onto me, i could tell. she went in for a kiss. first with no tounge then we went deeper, and deeper, then with tounge. i pulled away, "got any STDs?" i asked. "no as a matter of fact im a virgin" she said, "we can change that." i walked down the hall, she followed. as at any good party there was always a room where u could get laid. and a night of sex would do me some good. we went in and i closed and locked the door. i sat on the bed and she jumped on me. we were kissing and she was undoing my belt. we were breathing hard. "my god your a sex god" she said. "yeah well this is only the demo" i said as she got my pants down. i rolled over on her and i 4got about everything, Tuck and everything. this is what i did, this was what my life ocnsisted of. but we were sooo drunk. "fuck me bitch i know u want 2" i said 2 her. she said, "not if u dont fuck me harder" she was giddy and she had a TON of energy. "fuck yes" i said through a heavy breath. i knew thats who i was and what i did. i was back 2 normal. we went on until all the fuck was outta me. we fell asleep. but Trixie lodt her virginity that night. not me i was far from it. i hadnt been a virgin since i was 13. i woke up at 4:00 and put my pants on. every1 was still out there partying. Trixie lifted her head. "where r u going?" i kissed her on the lips then down her neck on2 her chest. then she kissed me back on the side of my face. "i gotta run" i said going towards the door. "u cant leave" she said back. "u havent been here very long, have u?" i opened the door and closed it. i went down the stairs and sum guy was throwing another guy out the door on2 the sidewalk. he turned and said, "have a good night Kurt-Cain" and went back up the stairs. every1 must have known i was there. i went outside. and looked down an alleyway were i heard moaning. i went down the alleyway, "hey, r u ok?" i asked, coutiously. i found a person, lying on the ground and i drug him under a streetlight. i was confused but i said, "Tuck?" his lip was bleeding, and he had a black eye. "huh? Kurt is that u?" he asked. "yeah man what happened?" i said with concern, "i was at that party, and the next thing i know im out here!!!" "wheres Trixie?" Tuck asked. i was shocked. "did u say Trixie?" asked hoping he didnt. "yeah Trixie..." he got 2 his feet. "have u seen her?" "oh yeah man ive seen ALL of her" i said. Tuck looked at me funy, "u slept with my girl--" "Tuck i--" "TUCK NUTHIN SHE WAS FRESH MEAT AND I WAS GONNA SLEEP WITH HER, U ALWAYS DO THAT KURT, U ALWAYS RUN OFF AND PISS ME OF I SWEAR 2 GOD U NVR FUCKIN LISTEN 2 ME, THIS IS HOW WE GOT IN THIS SITUATION!!!!" i did wanna fight, i had a headache, and i was sick at my stomach. "we always have a situation Tuck, always...." i said looking at the ground, i kicked it the ground and looked back uo at him. "im sorry, i didnt know" i said. "well now u do!!" yeah said back, not really yelling, but he was irritated. "r u gonna cum back with me?" i asked. "y should i, u arent staying here!!" he was being pouty. "ok your choice" i walked in the direction i thought was the Rockers' Hideaway. "the Hideaway is that way" Tuck said pointing the other direction. i started walking that way and he was following me. "what r u doing?" i asked "going home" he said as he smiled. at least he wasnt that much mad at me anymore and on the way back 2 the Hideaway i thought of a new poem

weve found each other
its easy 2 say
that we almost died
when we broke apart that day
your my brother
my friend
we have 2 stick 2gether
bird and feather
now and forever
salt and pepper
now im not so alone
no regrets about my broken home

not much was said the rest of that night. when we were all ready 2 go 2 sleep tht night, well moring cuz it was 7:00 by that time Tuck said, "hey Kurt" "what Tuck?" i asked "thanks" "your welcome?" i said and he was asleep, my eyes grew heavy and soon, so was i


to be continued




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Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child-Part 9-City Of The Damned(Dirty City, Hearts, And Minds, Blacketed In White Like A Hidden Sin)
"FUCK!!!!" i yelled as a came outta the bathroom around 12 noon. "what?" Tuck asked as he puffed a cigeratte. he was sitting in the window still and we had gotten 4 inches of snow and it was still falling. it was amazing, how the dirty streets could b sooo white. but it nvr stayed that way for long. soon the snow would be dirty too. but we could enjoy it while it lasted. now back 2 what i was saying......i looked at Tuck and laffed a lil, "this bandage iches like a bitch." i said. Tuck laffed a lil 2, he chocked on his cigeratte, and i started laffing at that. that smoke went down his throat and made him cough. he was laffing and choughin and chokin. and it was a hi-lite moment. a momet where we could laugh, and it ment sumthing. it wasnt THAT funny but still a comic relief. we didnt leave until 7o'clock that day. it was a tiresome day indeed. we sat around and watch MTV. it was kinda cool knowing we were only 25 minutes away from the TRL set. it was like not feeling sooo distant from what u want, who u want 2 b, and who u know. like it was rite there with u. all the time, everytime. so when we left it was dark. i liked it better at nite, it was more fun, and there was more 2 c and do. most of the people around here were nite owls anywho. me and Tuck went around, visiting clubs and meeting new people. alot of them, wide eyed and drop mouthed when they saw me, yes me the great Kurt-Cain going 2 c them. alot of them didnt care, they were just sitting there, maybe a head nod, maybe a "hey Kurt-Cain" but they didnt grovel at my feet like alot of them did. hardly anybody knew Tuck, but he didnt care. just the fact that he was my rite hand man made him feel superior, and better, he wasnt just one of my humble servants. i didnt like calling my people that, but they seemed scared, confused, afraid of what i would do to them. they had only heard stories, not ever met me. there was a great deal of partying going on since the death of MadDog the nite word got out fast here, just like i said. if anything bad or good should ever happen, every1 would know within 10 hours of when it happened. then the atmosphere out here would change dramatically. when the club streets started thinig out, we figured we would head back, there was hardly anything 2 do but party. and usually if no one lived where u were walking u could get hurt, maybe even killed!! so on our way back we took extra pre-caution. when we were walking a voice beamed from an alleyway, "well well well look who we got here....." me and Tuck were startled, it was so shadowy and dark we had no idea of who it could b. it was snowing too. the voice continued, "if it isnt Kurt-Cain, and......" "Tuck!!" Tuck said with confidence. "yeah, Tuck pleasure 2 meet u. "well" i sad, annoyed. "well what" the voice said back, "what do u want." i asked, this conversation was almost comical. "well Kurt-Cain, this is a privilege 4 u my humble leader." he asid as he emerged from the shadows, he continued, "my name is Randall, but most call me Rads, and for what reason i have no clue." me and Tuck looked at each other and back at Rads. "i wanted u 2 witness me suisde." he continued. me and Tuck knew what witnessing suisde was, horrible. we each had witnessed at least one murder. Rads was stern, around 17. i cant believe i was only 15 and i was the leader. he looked at me and Tuck, he was impatient. "well?" he said. me and Tuck didnt want 2 but b4 we could say anything Rads pulled one of those, well c for yourslef, "listen u assfaceed punk," he held a knife 2 my throat, he was rite 2 call me punk, but not assedfaced i draw the line at shitty-assed comebacks like that, like sumthing sum1 made up, and since i nvr heard that in my life even from my dad who was the king of cursing i knew he had made that stupid word up. "u and your shit faced friend better watch me die, or i will kill both your asses." i stared at him. he was at least 5 inches taller than me, i smerked, i wasnt afraid of him, "well in that case." i grabbed the knife and stuck it in his throat. he fell 2 the ground chocking. but b4 he died he said, "now u have the death of one of your followers on your hands. can u really take the guilt? we all know about your dad, the fire, MadDog, face it Kurt, your crazy.!!" he fell flat. dead. the knife lodged in his throat. i started stopping off. Tuck followed. "your just gonna leave him here?" he asked, "not my problem" i said back 2 him. "well u could have talked him outta it." "no i couldnt have" i was still stomping down the sidewalk. the rats cleared paths and people stared at me. i didnt care. Tuck grabbed me and turned me against his face. "no Kurt. it is your problem. u just killed an inisent man. sum1 u didnt even know, hes dead now, a knife in his throat." that was murder Kurt not what u did 2 your dad or MadDog this was real murder" i kicked Tuck in the nuts, "DONT TELL ME WHAT MURDER IS!! U THINK I DONT KNOW U THINK I DONT UNDERSTAND U THINK IM FUCKIN STUPID!!!! "but Kurt...." he rendered "BUT KURT NUTHIN!! I DID WHAT I HAD 2 DO EVERYTIME I NEEDED 2 DO WHAT I HAD 2 DO DONT TELL ME TUCK IM NOT STUPID!!!" i grabbed him by his color and looked him in the eye, eyes heavy, "do u not understand how much ive cried since we got here? do u not understand what ive put up with or did? ive made sum hard desicions, your sooo full of shit. and dont pull a suiside this time. cause u know what will happen." i released him. then i flashed back, and i relized what i was turning in2, what i reminded myself of.

my father


Tuck backed up. he kicked the ground, "well then fuck u Kurt im leavin" he turned around and started running. and he didnt look back. i was on the ground. every1 was staring at me. i pulled a gun outta my pocket. "OK WHO EVER IS WITHIN 50 FEET OF ME IN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES IS GETTING SHOT AUTOMATICALLY!!!" every started running. i felt bad about that2, cause my dad used guns as intimidation all the time. i sat the sidewalk, leaned up against the wall. i was crying. that gun was lookin pretty friendly. what did i need 2 stay here 4. i didnt know what 2 do anymore. Tuck was gone, i had just commited a murder. i was alone. 4 the first time i was alone. i thought 2 when i was watching Green Day music videos, Blvd of Broken Dreams, but it wasnt Billie Joe walking down that road, it was me. it was me, and i didnt have Tre or Mike of Tuck or any1, it was me. out on the dirty city streets with no one but myself. and i was no longer Green Day's so called "Jesus of Suburbia" i was Kurt. just Kurt Blackwood, kid from smalltown Fairville, New Jersey, no more Tuck, no more gang under the bridge. no parents. i wasnt anybody special i wasnt the mighty Kurt-Cain i was Kurt, and that made me not matter. becuz i had nuthing left, no family, no home, hardly any money, and now no friend. i had gone crazed. within my reflection in the puddles from the snow, i saw not me but my father. i was not even Kurt anymore, i had sunk 2 Robert Blackwood, as low as it got. when i was crying, the snow melted, and the streets turned dirty and blakc. no longer a brilliant white, no longer welcoming at all. just the dirty black streets. nothing came 2 mind as of who i was. i 4got that nite. i was just sum kid, Kurt Blackwood, not punk royalty, not a sex god, not a druggie, or a lover or a fighter. judt a troubled lil rebelious teenager. it was gone. it was all gone. Tuck was gone. and now even i was gone. it was black. just an abyss of black. and it felt like eterity in 30 seconds. hell, pure hell. i went in2 a near-by alleyway. of corse my razor was out, probobly seemed like the best time 2 use it. the blood wrote

ive lost me
who am i
all there is
is the blakc road
and the black sky
no longer the winner
and always the loser
not the one chosen
but the chooser
i had 2 make the desicons
decide on the spot
doesnt matter if they were right or not
seemed like the thing 2 do
ive lost em all
and i lost u
and now i have no where 2 go
thoughts of u
and my broken home

and i didnt feel like returning 2 the world, but instead stayed in the alley, like the demon i was. and slept and cryed. where was Tuck? and what was i gonna do? did any1 care?


to be continued



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Monday, December 19, 2005

Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child-Part 8-Stabbed In The Back.................Litterally..........
we were in the hospital for a week. when the doctors found out we were on the streets they wouldnt let us out under our condition. it was like sending a baby lamb in2 land infested by wolves. or an injured antalope running around alone in the plains, while lions and tigers and other big cats watched it. waiting. waiting 2 strike at any moment. i was suppose 2 b the lion of the group, the ruler, the king, instead, i was the injured antalope, begging for mercy from the harshness of the streets. i was helpless, the most helpless i have ever been. by the time the week was up me and Tuck had left the hospital and back out the on the streets. christmas was 6 days away, and we had already bought most everything we needed and wanted. so our christmas was a while back. and the best part was. NO CAST!!!!! yeah the doctors said i had made a full recovery and it was a miricle that it was only in 2 weeks!!! i questioned how that could b, and i guess my body sorta made an imunity 2 slow recoveries, since i made so many. the day we got outta the hospital the world was ours buy 2:00. we couldnt do much, but we did explore alot of the neighborhood. sum of the kids we met, had nvr met me. they were awed, amazed that the great Kurt-Cain would cum so low as 2 where they were living. sum in boxes. others in condemed houses and buildings and even in dumpsters, if they were lucky. sum were drifters. even a few tenderfoots 2 the street life. they were confused, frightened. but all had a similar story. u could and listen 4 hours, days, weeks,months, and years and the story would always have the same structure and end the same way. i left, my broken home. the same way everytime. no matter what the story was, it ended the same. but alwyas ending the same way, nvr made the story uninteresting. it was always good enuff. and thats y we all came 2gether like this. becuz we all had the same thing in common. they werent sure of what sorta ruler i was. i could tell. they had emotion. they still werent cracked, not broken in 2 their new lifestyle. the streets hadnt made them hard yet. they were being introduced in2 drugs, sex, anything we put up with in a day. alot were so new 2 it they were passed out. just from a one joint of marajuana. each block, worse and worse, until we got the the lowest wasteland. the punk crowd was diminishing. and they were turning in2 "gangsters" who shot every1 they didnt like. no one was running up 2 me tellin me the stories they heard about me and how great i was. instead i was getting dirty looks. we were not welcome here. and for if any1 in my crowd entered the wastelands, they were sure for a deathwish. Tuck was scared. i could c it in his eyes. i could read emotions, i knew every one of them that struck a persons face. it was like that everyday. and every1 who was on the streets always started with the same face, and used the same facial expressions. every block, worsened. i wasnt afraid. i was walking, face forward, with a look like "dont bother me or ill kick your ass" Tuck was freakin out, and he was looking around at the dealers and the bouncers in2 make-shift clubs. big assed guns on there belts. we got 2 a better area, at least better for what we saw. "yo look who we got here" sum guy yelled who was on a stairway smoking a cigeratte. "we got sum outlanders here, dawgs!!" he yelled even louder. every1 got quiet. "what u doin here?" he said as he pushed me. Tuck was freakin out even more. "hey, im not here 2 fite, i was just on my way 2 the punk neighborhood" i pushed him back, "so i suggest, u fuck off" every1 did that lil "ooooooooooooo" thing that ment i cant believe he just did that. "kick his ass MadDog!!" sum1 in the crowd said. it was indeed MadDog, the leader of NYCCorpOfGangsters, he was his crowd's, well me. "i knew it, its u MadDog." i said. he knew i wasnt afraid of him. with his stolen Bling from Chinatown and his G-Unit jersey. With his gay-assed Timberline boots. me and him had nothing in common. me in my black, and him in his stupid "Crunkness" stood there face 2 face. and this fight stood for all punk against gangster, and i couldnt mess it up. "oh now i recognize u" he said with a wintz, "your Kurt-Cain, leader of the punk streets" "thats me, and u can bet your ass, that sumday, your streets will b mine." His eyes widened. but he shook it off with the comment, "and i c u brought your boyfriend how sweet..." "dont waste your shitty comments on me, that is my best friend Tuck, and he would just so happens 2 b sorta my "Vice President" i said. Tuck had nvr heard me say anything like that b4. he didnt believe i said that. "well your hornorable ruler of the "Punk Mafia" he mocked while every1 laffed. he had bowed when he said it 2. "u guys better have a 3rd back-up cause im gonna fuck yo asses up" every1 cheered except me and Tuck. MadDog pulled a knife outta his pocket. and i had my razor on me. he had dove for my stomach but i came behind him and i turned around and got we hit at the same time. it was gonna b one of us. we both fell 2 the ground. my razor, in his stomach, his knife in my back. we collapsed. Tuck ran 2 my side, and MadDog was bleeding really badly. he didn't get it 2 far in my back. i was in pain. sum of the people came 2 MadDog 2 help him. but Tuck sumhow, had his gun on him and said, "one step closer 2 either one of us, and ill fuck your ass u!! u got it?!?!" there were at least 100 people standing around us 2 begin with, afterward, i think there were only 20. the tuffest out there. they werent going anywhere. Tuck wasnt crying, cause he could tell, this was minor 2 the whole falling outta the window ordeal. MadDog, went pail and quit moaning. I stood up as best i could and took my razor and got down on my knees because my back hurt really badly. i started stabbing MadDog. Slash after slash, stab after stab. then 2 top it off, i took Tucks gun and shot him, just like a shot my dad. and after the ordeal i relieze once again. i was a murderer. the second person i had killed. second, and im only 15. i took the gun and put it 2 my head. blood of my victim all over me. "Tuck" i said, "dont stop me" Tuck was gonna cry. this was my second attempt at suiside. i closed my eyes and flashed back 2 everything. it could have all been avoided. every last detail of my life, all could have been erased. i was starting 2 pull the trigger........

BAM


i hadnt noticed that Tuck had raised my arm off my head. it had hit the leg of a civilian. i stood up. sharp pains all down my back. "you know what im thinking Tuck" i said as i looked down on MadDog's body, "what Kurt" Tuck said, "well one i kicked this asses ass, and two....." me and Tuck and me looked at each other, "RUN!!!!" we yelled 2gether as we turned. "oh hell no" one of the gangster civilions had said. they came from the streets and the sidewalks, chacing us down the road. i could have run faster, but the pain the awful pain. Tuck was behind me, nearly pushin me 2 go faster. we lost em down an alleyway. and i rote on the wall with sum spray paint left there by a tagger

won this one
didnt i
tore it up
all is rite
but u have no idea
what i can from
and where ive been
what ive done
or who i am
i am Kurt-Cain
now here i will reign
and u have no idea
my thoughts r unknown
taken over
by the child
from the broken home

i signed it, Kurt-Cain and Tuck

wait until the guys back home heard about this. we had killed MadDog!! me had at least 50 blocks 2 go. and me in no conditon 2 we had a hard time of it. by the time we got back 2 our turf, it was 6:00, it was getting dark. and the streets we were on were the hardest ones around. it was hard. hard seeing my people. my pride, the ones i cared about. living the way they did. i had it easy compared 2 them. when we got back 2 the Rockers' Hideaway it was 11:30 I needed 2 see a doctor yet again, and i was tired. luckly, a batender, Willy for that matter, had a car so he let us use it. Tuck drove and i sat in the back lying down, "thanks Tuck" i said. i was really tired. "dont mention it" "i was really gonna do it Tuck, i was" i said, my eyes nearly watering. "yeah, yeah i know" Tuck said, tears beginning 2 fill his eyes. when we got 2 the hospital it was 12:00 midnight. it was starting 2 snow and i was only there 4 an hour. they told me 2 not pick fights and they treated it for infection and wrapped it up. they were very quick for the ER. when we got back 2 the club it was 1:30 and knowing no one here ever sleeps it was just like it was 8:00 at nite. every1 was partying and hanging outta windows. smokin and dealin. fightin and actin like horses asses. but i was tired cause i had more pain killer. and so i went upstair and fell asleep. Tuck stayed up. he sat in the window, the window where his life was gonna end, the window where our lives changed forever, the window where our friendship became strong, the window, where almost, eternity was decided. but it wasnt. it was the window where everything became a lil bit better. so he sat there all nite. smoking cigerattes and watching the snow fall. and me asleep. peaceful. Tuck pondering. and his thoughts must have made him a better man. and once again, all was rite.



bu that nvr lasts now does it?


to be continued


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Sunday, December 18, 2005

Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child-Part 7-The Day Time Stood Still(Life On Pause And Worries On Hold)
i didnt go any closer 2 Tuck. the gun was pointed straight at me. "Tuck pleeze, dont do this" i said as i bakced up a little bit. i wanted 2 cry so bad. Tuck was mad at me. and he had gone off the deep end, "U DONT NEED ME KURT!!!! NO ONE NEEDS ME!!!! U DONT UNDERSTAND THE PAIN I HAVE U DONT KNOW ANYTHING!!!!" he yelled, strianing his arm, the gun still pointed at me. "pleeze Tuck i know how it is. me and u have the same story, every1 in this building knows how it is. we all have the same story 2 tell, not exactly alike but at the same in a way. "u dont understand Kurt, u dont need me anymore. u told me yourself what do i need 2 stick around for? im a waste of space and air i mite as well put myself outta my misery." he said crying. i had 2 talk sum sence in2 him. but how? "no Tuck ive been where u r-" he cut me off. "no, uve never been this low, Kurt. every1 knows u. The mighty Kurt-Cain, leader of every punk gang in the tri-state area. no one knows me Kurt." "thats not true Tuck, it isnt" i said, i was cracking, i wasnt sure what i was gonna do. "Kurt youre an awful leader. u cut, your deprssed, and im NOT gonna b your Nazi follower anymore. your the Hitler of our world!!! "Tuck" i said "without u, there wouldnt b a me. the people we know and luv would be gone forever." i thought of the nites b4 when i cut my throat and Tuck saved me. without him there i would have bled out. commited suiside. i would b dead, and mayhem would have struck out in the punk streets. THE MIGHTY KURT-CAIN IS DEAD!!! news would have spread, and news spread so fast that every1 would have fallen apart by the day was done. "Tuck, u keep me in line." i said 2 him, cummin outta my horrid flashback. "yeah rite, im not a slave to your Punk Mafia anymore!! and good riddnace if u would have died, then i wouldnt of had 2 deal with ya!" he said. he looked down 2 the people on the street 30 feet below. and he looked at the noose made of rope from the stage downstairs. "Kurt, your not gonna weigh me down anymore." he moved closer 2 the edge, an inch away from falling off. i had 2 do sumthin. i ran toward him and he said, "wrong choice Kurt" he shot

BAM

the bullet missed me

Tuck jumped and i jumped on2 him. we were falling, and i thought this was the last time i would ever c Tuck alive again so i said, "Tuck, if u die 2nite, by this time 2maro, ill b dead 2" i was crying, and Tuck was too. i hit the ground and i heard sumthing hit after me. turns out, the hole Tuck made for his head was too big, so he didnt get hung. every1 around started running. and i was in pain. i had landed on my cast and it had cracked open, and i was bleeding. Tuck was half conscience. he rendered weakly, "Kurt, ol buddy, ol pal, r u there?" he was so weak, his voice was shakey. "yeah Tuck im here" i said as i rolled over. i was in so much pain, but Tuck needed me. "yeah im here Tuck" i took him by the hand.he was soo pail, and he was bleeding. "im sorry Kurt." he said and his grip weakened. my heart dropped. if he died i wanted 2 die with him. rite there in the street. and if he died and i didnt, i would have commited suisde the next day. we laid there for 10 minutes and then sum1 came outta the Rockers' Hideaway. it was Franky the sound check dude. he was liting a cigeratte whe he noticed us. "oh my god, Kurt-Cain, Tuck are you ok?" he yelled as he ran toward us. "dont u move! im gettin help!!" he ran back in2 the club. he was sooo scared he told us noy 2 go anywhere. where we gonna go? we couldnt move. a few seconds l8r 8 guys ran out they kept telling us they called the hospital and they would b there in a few minutes. i dont know what happened the rest of that nite. i passed out. the next morning i woke up and i didnt know where i was. but it smelled like, felt like, and looked like......a hospital.....and indeed it was. i had a new cast on my arm, and a bandage on my head. i also had an ankle cast on. i pushed a button and called a nurse. "what is it babe?" she asked as she walked in. she was a 20 year old girl, and she was very sweet and sincere. "yeah, hi i came in here with another guy, where is he?" i asked. "do u mean Tucker Heinzman?" "yeah" i said. the guys must have givin them our info when the ambulance came. she pointed 2 a curtain on my rite, "hes been sleepin like a lamb all morning. poor guy, u guys really took a nasty fall." "is he ok?" i asked. she winked and said, "hes gonna b fine,Dr.Hartz fixed u guys up really well, now, could i bring u some lunch?" "yeah sumthin small, like a sandwich and-" i stopped and thought dammit, no beer so i said, "juice or milk or sumthin. she looked at me, "now come on, u can have sum pop. by the look in your eye i can tell u dont want juice. now what kind of pop would u like? i though then said, "oh i dunno, Dr.Pepper?" i asked. "a sandwich and Dr.Pepper it is. ill even bring sum spagetti-os ok, sweetheart?" "ok" i said. she was sooo cute. "by the way my name is Tula so if u need me just call." "ok, thank you" i said. she walked out and said, "dont mention it hun, ill have it 2 ya in 20 minutes." and with that she disappeared down the hall. i iched my leg and i noticed the bracelet on my wrist, Kurtis Blackwood New York City Hospital." i had been 2 the hospital 2 times in the past week. when i was dun doing that i could hear sumthin behind Tuck's curtain. "Kurt are you there?" Tuck asked. "TUCK!!!!" i yelled getting up on my ankle cast and pulling my IV bag over. i pulled back the curtain. Tuck had a bandage around his head and a cast on his forearm. he also had 5 stiches in his left cheek. "oh my god Tuck, u scared me!!!" i said as i hugged him lightly i got dizzy and sat down on my bed. Tuck drew the curtain back farther. "hey man, r u ok?" "yeah im fine" "oh good" Tuck said back i could tell he was upset 4 what he had dun. i wasnt mad at him. i was happy, happy he was alive. "they got me on sumthin cause i---" he faded. he was snoring. i bet he was on Oxy Coton or sumthin. i rolled my eyes and laffed a lil. Tula brought in my food shortly after, and i had spend alot of my day sleeping. there was a note pad by my bed, and by the time it was 8 at nite, and Tuck was sleepin still and i was getting drozy from my pain killers i had rote

close one
wasnt it
almost lost it
almost took the fall
almost killed it
almost lost it all
but we r ok
and i am fine
and best of all
u r alive
good thing we fell 2gether
things turned out better
and now well always have each other
forever and a day
nvr b alone
its better all that way
my brother
my friend
forver till the end
and now forever more
ill nvr walk on out
walk on out the door
this is my meanings poem
without u, id still b in that broken home

and i fell asleep, quiet and peaceful........all was rite.....

4 now



to be continued

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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child-Part 6-Dearly Beloved Are You Listening?
when i woke up the next morning Tuck was outside in the alleyway smoking a cigeratte. i had no more left cause i smoked em all last nite. i was gonna fuck rip off my cast, it was soooo bothersum and i had zero patience and no time 2 worry. plus, i couldnt really protect myslef from the harshness of the streets with it on. Tuck handed me a cigeratte. "good morning, my pissed punk friend." Tuck said as he puffed his cugeratte. "piss off, im not in a very good mood." i said lighting my cigeratte. He knew i was in a bad mood. i always went out 2 think when i was in a bad mood, just like last nite. me and Tuck were not sure what we were gonna do here in the city. we had 2 stay in the getto, and the gang back in the suburbs were waiting for us. but i wasnt sure if i wanted 2 go back. but i really didnt wanna stay either. "Tuck" i said putting out my cigeratte on my cast. "im gonna buy a car" throwing it 2 the ground. Tuck looked over 2 me took a puff and said, "what r u gonna do with it?" he blew the smoke outta his mouth. "i dunno leave" i said dully. Tuck's eyes widened as he through his cigeratte 2 the ground, "leave? oh no Kurt we cant leave our stompin ground, your the leader here, u cant leave!!!!" he argued. "WHAT THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO HERE TUCK!?!? I HAVE NUTHIN LEFT, NO WHERE 2 GO, IM GOING CRAZY!!!!" i yelled, oops, 4got my bi-polar med. i turned away and went up the stairs 2 take my meds and came back down. Tuck was standing ther. he was giving a very dirty look. i knew he was mad. what was i gonna do? i didnt wanna stay here. By the time it was 1:00 me and Tuck were walking down the sidewalks of the neighborhood. when we got 2 the better part of town we saw all the yuppie buisness assholes who enslaved the whole world. i wanted 2 kill them all. but i just gave them dirty looks. it was really wierd, all those coservative rich men and women and me and Tuck 2 rebel-assed punk-rockers enclothed in black and eyeliner. awkward, very awkward. at eleven thirty we came around a weird lil place with shops and dealerships. i saw a car dealership and Tuck knew that ment i was gonna run in and buy one. i didnt need a Mercades but sumthing decent. but i passed it but i did manage 2 remember the address. 729 Yerning Lane. Around the time the city started liting up we got back 2 the Rockers' Hideaway. we didnt bother 2 hit the club but 2 rather just go upstairs. we watched Headbangers Ball for a little while and Tuck asked me a question, it was this question that would start sumthing brutal...
"Kurt, what the fuck are we gonna do if we leave?" "I dont know" i redered, not wanting 2 talk about it, "Well, i would like 2 know, its kinda my life 2!!!" he yelled back, getting up from the bed where he was sitting. "for the millionth fucking time, i dont know get off my fucking back!!! i yelled getting up 2. Tuck fot back, "what has gotten into u!??! what happened 2 the Kurt i knew all these years, i dont know whats rong with you!!!" i looked into Tucks eyes, i was so
overwhelled, we were fitng, me and Tuck were fiting omg, but the silence broken when i said quietly, "what isnt wrong with me Tuck?" he looked at me. we were choking up with that line. "now Kurt, come on, your not that bad man, i told u it was gonna be alrite, and it will be. i promise." his eyes we heavy, i could tell. wet with his tears. his voice was shakey, hanging on while sadness pulled him down, his voice going so quiet, keeping him from talking. i continued, tears from my eyes, "Tuck, i know u said youve always been there, and i know we have been best friend a damn long time, but i fuckin dont know u anymore!!!" i was so mad. i knocked everthing of a table then i took Tuck by the scrff of his Green Day hoodie and looked him very stern in the eye, "Tuck, u r not gonna dictate me, i know we have 2 stick 2gether, but in truth i dont need u.......ill nvr need u, but hey i could use the company." i through him against the wall and walked out the door slamming it. he cried. id nvr seen him cry more. i know i was terrible 2 him but i was sooo mad. he just thought he could tell me off. i did fear 4 his safely. he mite go off the deep end. but i was sooo mad that cancelled that out. i went back 2 that parking garage. i sat in the stairway again just as b4. and i smoked some more ciggerates. again with the fite playing around with all the other shit that happened. it was piling up. i knew it was gonna. i cut my arm, at the way up this time, not worring about the pain but more about Tuck. i ran back 2 the Rockers' Hideaway. on the way i sang a lil song 2 myslef...

on the way
2 save the day
srry u didnt c it my way
gonna save your ass
not gonna let it pass
cant lose u
i need u
u r wat keep me sain
my mind from the darkness
my flesh from the pain
cant leave me
leave me out in the rain
im comming
im comming
dont leave me alone
found out what u meant
when i left my broken home

i got outside the buliding. and alot of people were around the window on the 3 floor, and sure as hell, Tuck was on the fire escape with a noose around his neck. he was gonna commit suiside. i had 2 stop him.........but how.......i ran up the stairs and i kicked the door in2 our room. "TUCK!!!!" i yelled runnig toward him. he pulled out a gun serious and crying, dont cum any closer, or ill shot u then jump. oh my god, what was i gonna do?




2 be continued


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Sunday, November 27, 2005

Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child Part 5-Everybody Hates Kurt
we sat there until 7:00 and we got down 2 bisness. i took my bi-polar med and i was very pissed tat i only made $500 at lunch time. but 2day me and Tuck were gonna go 2 the city. i liked the city, there r alot of kids there, punk rockers.plus there were lots of places 2 crash and stay over-nite. we were gonna take a bus and go shopping. christmas was almost here, 2 weeks away. i hated holidays with my family, i hada can of spagetti-os and a Dr.Pepper 4 Thanksgiving dinner, and i watched that gay-assed parade. so when we got on the bus 2 go into the city alot of things were going through my mind. and i was thinking of buying a car. did i mention what city, New York City. yeah, turns out Fairville is a suburb of NYC. we got 2 the ity by 1:00. i knew several local bands, and guys tht worked in Hot Topic. Tuck hardly ever came 2 the city, but i thought it was the best thing i could do, he did save my life. we wnt through shity assed neighborhoods. i knew lots of the kids ther. the Bronx mostly. i was a street legend. every1 knew Kurt. we were in Time Square and we saw allt aht good shit. then i went 2 the hopping district. i bought a long sleeve Hawthorne Heights Sweater and several other shirts. and i got Tuck a thermal Fender guitar shirt. we bought a couple hats, heartagram beainies and we stopped at Pac Sun a while 2. when the nite was over we had spent $500. not bad. i needed hair die. im a bleach blonde, i know ewwww. ad i needed 2 die my hair my black again. Tuck 2. he was a red head. i know, ew. so by the time the city started lting up, we wnt 2 Rockafeller Center and looked at the Christmas Tree. It was overwhelming. i made me wonder about things, and it really was like ging through a spiral of madness. th lites, the decorations, everything so un-calm and un-inviting and at the same time inviting and warm. we hit a club on the worse side of town. it was called Rockers' Hideaway, and there was gonna b a sorta Battle of the Bands that nite. Red Nightfire and Blackened soul were playing, and sveral other bands i know were playing. people were drinking, and fiting and such. it was mostly a punk club, and i went there everytime i dropped in the city. every1 there knew me, i ruled all the punk sorta "gangs" in the whole Tri-State area. im a ledgened, did i mention that? i listened 2 the bands and Tuck was soooo euthused with everything that was going on. after the show there was a alleyway the rockers and neighborhood punks hng out on. hung out on. we called it High Street cause every1 there got high. i ran in2 Tyler the guitarist 4 Bloody Sunday and he was near wastes. there city punks were hardly any joke. "hey Kurt-Cain nice of u 2 drop in" he said, he was soooo wasted. "Ty hey whats up? this is Tuck my best friend" i said back. i didnt wanna hang long. no one really said much about my cast. they were all so damn high, i doubt they noticed. i didnt really like doing drugs with the city kids, they like all had AIDS. Tuck was wide-eye and said, "hi, how u doin Ty?" Ty was hardly in any condition 2 talk, but he said, "hey Tuck, u lucky fuck, Kurt-Cain here is a great guy. i bet u guys r a real cool team. Tuck and fck rhyme" he said as he laughed. e thought it was so funny. "u guys can crash above the club 2nite if u need sumwhere 2 go." Eric said, he was sober, thank god sum1 there was. Eric was Bloody Sunday's drummer. i said, "thank u" and went through the back-stage door and up the stairs. there were fairly nice rooms up there. "Tuck" i said, "i need 2 think" i walked out the door. i and was on the sidewalk. it was dark and i saw a parking garage. i went in it, since it was cold and sat in the stair way. i lit a cigeratte. i was thinkin of everything. the shooting, the killing, the fire. it all played it my head over and over. it was like the time Tuck came over and he was drunk and we were watchin Tommy Boy. he kept rewinding the part where they were in that one dudes office and he set the car on fie. he did it over and over. i wanted 2 break the damn DVD in half. it was funny 2 me everytime i was drunk, but it was so annoying. he must have dun it 100 times!!!!!! i wanted blow my brains out. how could so many things happen 2 one kid? was i going mad? i dont know but whatever the reason i rote a poem. razor out. arm bloody.....

over and over
again and again
the same old vision
haunting my head
i wanna take the tape out
i wanna burn it 2 hell
get it outta my mind
but its proected by a shell
it wont stop
and i cant stop it
i wanna get it out!!
take it out and drop it
dead with a dream of death and dispear
sleeping and cant wake up, the pain is everywhere.
oh my god i fell so fuck alone
should i have left my broken home?

i rote that on the wall of the staircase of the paring garage. i sat there 4 a couple more hours, cigerate after cigeratte. and i went back 2 the club when i smoked all 24 of them. it was near 3:00, and when i got up 2 the room Tuck was asleep. i went 2 sleep, with freah cuts on my arm. was i gonna buy a car? was i gonnastay in the city and not go back 2 the shity suburbs? so many thoughts and the thoughts of my parents. i was overloading. what was i gonna do?


to be continued
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Monday, November 21, 2005

Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child Part 4-Life As A Runaway
i woke up in the middle of the night cause alot of my friends were commin back from partying. drunk, high, sum bloody from fighting, they filed back under the bridge. i looked over 2 the clock on The Fairville National Credit Union and it was 3:17. Tuck woke up soon, and i think it was 3:20 by that time. i tried going 2 sleep over and over again and what felt like all nite every time i woke up and looked at the clock i was only a minute or 2 l8r. i wanted 2 sleep so bad. so what i did next was probobly really stupid.

"YO IM TRYING 2 SLEEP!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!" i yelled as i stood up. every1 looked at me. "what r u doing here Kurt-Cain?" Kelly asked me. "yeah and what happened 2 your arm?" Danny asked. i was screwed. every1 would find out. Tuck got up and gave every1 a look like oh god, hes gonna go off on them. they should have nvr asked that. i just thought what was i gonna say 2 them. "i got shot" i said quietly at first. "huh?" sum1 said in the back. something inside me wanted 2 kill myslef so i wnet off in a yelling spree, "I GOT SHOT! I GOT MOTHER FUCKING SHOT!!! DAMMIT I LEFT MY HOME!!!! I KILLED MY DAD!!!! IVE GOT NOTHING LEFT!!!! GREAT U MOTHER FUCKERS KNOW EVERYTHING NOW!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" i had snapped. every1 looked at me, eyes as wide as dinner plates. i stood there, thinking how i was gonna back up what i just did. "r u ok?" Alex asked. "im fine my dad shot me im fine." i said with releif. i thought every1 was gonna get mad at me, but every1 was and still is loyal 2 me 2 this day. Tuck came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder. "lets go on a walk." he said. i just nodded 2 him and we walked off from the group. they stopped looking at me and went on thier business. me and Tuck walked 2 the Sheetz at the corner of State and Froman Street. we went inside, bought a couple packs of cigerattes and kegs of beer with our fake IDs and took them and sat on the sidewalk curb outside. Tuck lit a cigeratte and i popped a beer open. "u still havent said anything about what we're gonna do." Tuck said as he puffed his cigeratte. "u know what Tuck, u fuckin need 2 worry about your own problems and fuck off." i said. Tuck just took his cigeratte and put it out on my good arm. it hurt real bad cause of al the cuts on my arm. i jumped up and through my beer at him. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!?!" i yelled at him. "U NEED 2 QUIT BEING SO FUCKIN HOSTILE AND TREAT ME BETTER OR ILL LEAVE YOUR ASS!!!!" he yelled back. we were silent for a minute until i said, "look, im sorry. this is just hard 4 me." Tuck looked at me and answered, "yeah, i know what u mean. remember when my parents kicked me out? i was all down and out, and i almost jumped off the bridge. but u helped me Kurt. and ill help u now." now me and Tuck arent ones 2 be all mushy. we had broken holes all over our lives but at least no one could hear us. next thing we knew we could hear ambulances and police cars driving down State Street then turning onto Hoover Avenue. i lived on Hoover. we saw smoke rising from over trees and me and Tuck knew from the bottom of our hearts that my house was the one on fire. we ran 2 my house as fast as we could, and sure as hell. my house was gone. the police said my mom probobly left a cigeratte buring on the couth or fell asleep with the stove on, but either way she died. Tuck looked at me, my mouth was wide open and my eyes as wide as the gangs when i was yelling at them. i fell 2 my knees. i started banging my head on the ground. Tuck grabbed me and came down 2 me level. "what the fuck r u doing!?!?" he asked me almost yelling. at this point i was holding back tears. "no way, there is no way." i said quietly. "its not your fault its ok" Tuck said comfortingly, he was almost hugging me, "shit happens itll b alrite." he continued now hugging me. he pulled me off his shoulder and looked me in the eyes. my eyeliner was running, and i was crying. "im a murderer Tuck, ive killed both my parents." i said as i fell 2 Tuck shoulder balling my eyes out. Tuck patted my back, "it's ok, its ok" Tuck said. he was about 2 cry 2. i pulled the razor outta my pocket. Tuck saw it outta the corner of his eye. "im done Tuck, see you in hell." i said as i put the razor 2 my neck. Tuck grabbed it and said, "no Kurt, its not over no!!" but i had cut my throat halfway and was bleeding. Tuck started crying and i screamed and rolled over, the pain was overwhelming. what had i dun? did i just commit suiside? Tuck took off his favorite his hoodie with the heartagram on it and put it on my throat. he held it there and kept repeating, "pleeze Kurt dont die, i luv u like a brother. pleeze Kurt." he removed his hoodie off my throat and saw that it clotted. i sat up. Tuck hugged me. "thank god Kurt, your ok." he was still hugging me and crying, his eyeliner running all over, but that shortly ended with SMACK!!!!. Tuck slapped me. "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!" i yelled. "dont ever do that again." Tuck said still crying. it was 4:30 and we had done so much that nite we figured we were gonna sleep the rest of the day. i nvr told any1 about that nite and i seriously doubt that Tuck didnt either. we walked back 2 the bridge. no one was there. i guess they went 2 sell drugs and work at, well wherever they worked. Tuck was sorta quiet. i was quiet 2, so i really couldnt point any fingers. we got back 2 the bridge and the sun was starting 2 rise and the bank clock said 5:30. i suppose that 2day we would sneak around the skool and sell drugs.i was gonna go 2 the mall and shop a lil bit 4 me and Tuck. i was considering buying a car 2. me and Tuck sat down and Tuck handed me a cigeratte and i lit it. he lit one 4 himself 2. "well Kurt" he said as he lit his cigeratte and puffed it, "whatever happens happens" and he let smoke outta his mouth. i looked him in the eyes his eyeliner had ran down his cheeks and i saw my reflection in his eyes, and i wasnt happy with myslef. Tuck just cracked a tiny smile and walked off, he through beer bottle at the wall of the bridge and it busted. i saw he left a couple serenges full of novacaine lying next 2 me. put one in my neck and stuck the rest in my arms and such. my whole body was mnb 2 begin with though. it felt as if time was standing still. i dont know where Tuck went that morning but he came back an hour l8r with $1000 and probobly the thought that he had fucked another girl. but b4 he returned i took a long hard look at all and everything that had hppened from then 2 last nite 2 my whole life, and once again i cut my arm and wrote a poem with my blood that went:

i killed em all
i took the fall
its all my fault
my mind a dark vault
i almost broke
when the paper wrote
headline of the day
"house burned away
woman dead and murder was dun in the house day b4"
it created such an awful roar
in my mind
im in a bind
life or death
death or life
will i bounce back
or die from strife
i guess ill find out sumday
and fuck it if i dont
this is my murder poem
and now i wonder if it was rite
2 leave my broken home


i waited 4 Tuck 2 cum back and he had $1000 and the thoght that he fucked another girl. like i said b4. and we sat there silently until 7:00 and figured we would go 2 work.


to be continued
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Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child Part 3-Broken Child Leaving Broken Home
i didnt wanna open the door. i wanted to get in try keep my dad from killing me then pack and go. problem was sounded easy, but was hard in real life. i opened the door slowy. it was dark inside, like no one was home. i put one foot in the door, i was home free.

BAM!!!!!!!

a sharp pain hit my arm, it felt like a chainsaw cutting through it. my arm was bleeding so badly. i fell backwards then i figured out what happened.....

i was shot


my dad was standing on the other side of the room. he had his gun in his hand and he walked over 2 me. "DAMMIT!!!" he yelled. "I MISSED I CANT BELIEVE I FUCKIN MISSED!!!!!!" i knew he wasnt gonna leave me there. he was gonna kill me. and i knew it. he was so drunk he couldnt hold the gun stright. where was my mom at? she wasnt in the house as far as i could see."wheres mom?" i demaneded 2 know as i kicked my dad in the nuts and he fell 2 the ground and grabbed his crouch. i took the gun outta his hand. where is she?" i demanded again. "shes asleep in the bedroom" he answered sakeyly i didnt like my mom but i didnt want my dad 2 get way with killing her. my arm was bleeding all over the and said 2 my dad "dont move u son of a bitch or ill fuck your ass up" he didnt get up he was 2 busy holding his shatterd nuts. i went in the bedroom and sure enough my mom was on the bed and she was passed out. i went back 2 the doorway. "now listen" i said 2 my dad "u r gonna let me pack and let me go. no fighting, just a clean get away" now i knew my dad wasnt gonna let me go without a fite but he got up slowy and he said "ok, fine just get the hell outta my house" "good" i nvr let that gun outta my hand though and just as i turned around 2 go 2 my room my dad grabbed my shot arm (my rite one 2 b exact)and he through me agaist the door and it slammed shut. "U SON OF A BITCH WASTE OF SPACE!!!!!!!!!!" he yelled in my ear "IVE WANTED 2 KILL U FOR SO LONG!!!!! DO U THINK IM GONNA LET U GO!?!?" took my good arm and slapped my dad across the face he flipped over the couch and i took the gun and put it 2 his head, "i wanted 2 kill u 2" i said and....

i pulled the trigger

nothing. no more bullets. "oh shit" i said. my dad pushed me back and we were both on the floor and he knocked the gun outta my hand. he pulled some more shells outta his pocket and he grabbed one of the many empty bottles of beer on the ground and his me, giving me another black eye. i got dizzy. the room started spinning. i quit fighting giving my dad the chance 2 pick his gun up load it back up. he had it all done. it was rite between my eyes. my dad rendered quietly, "burn in hell Kurt u fuckin shit faced bastard" and rite before he pulled the trigger i rolled him over and i was on top of him. i gabbed the gun with my left arm and i said,"no u burn in hell Robert Blackwood u fat assed acholic mother fucker" i pulled the trigger.

BAM

those were the last words i had said 2 my dad. he was dead. i blew a hole the size of a Sheetz donut in his head. blood on my face, the wall. i wiped it of with my left sleeze but that didnt help because it was covered with blood 2.."dammit" i said, "i luved this shirt." i knew i would have 2 leave rite then rite now. but i packed all my clothes and cds and ipod and i left. i didnt know what was gonna happen 2 me. my arm was in bad condition and i needed 2 get 2 the hospital. i ran 2 the bridge, my arm throbing.
"TUCK TUCK!!!!!" yelled as i approached the bridge he was talking 2 Archie and Sam, smoking a joint and drinking a budwesier. he looked over 2 me "oh my god Kurt!!!! he said Archie and Sam started running toward me and Tuck followed. "i...u..." i passed out after i rambled that out.
the next thing i knew i woke up in the hospital. my arm was in a cast and Tuck, Archie, and Sam were sitting near me. "hey man u ok?" Sam asked. "Kurt, oh man Kurt are u alrite?" Tuck was concerned. Hes my best friend after all. "ill go c if we can check u out" Sam said as he left the room.5 minutes l8r he came back with a nurse who said, "u have a fracture right above your elbow" she continued, "come back in 6 weeks and get this cast off" and with that she handed me a route sheet and we left. "Kurt, whats going on?" Tuck asked me as we walked back 2 the bridge he was beginning 2 stick a joint in his mouth. Sam and Archie went out on the nite rounds wich ment went cubbin. i was hesitent, but i told him, "i killed my dad Tuck" Tuck looked at like OMG and u know what he said "oh my god" the joint fell outta his mouth just before he lit it. "hey, im fine i have $2000 and my stuff, ill b ok" i said 2 him. "what r u gonna do now?" Tuck asked "what do u mean?" i said. "the cops, they r gonna b lookin 4 ya" Tuck explained, "u could get your fuckin ass kicked, even killed" Tuck started on one of his rambles. i think it had 2 do with him being partly high. "well Tuck" i started 2 say "i jsut dont know" we came 2 the bridge and no one was there. every1 was out, i think it was happy hour at Donny Blue Bar Hall, or they could b partying at one of the neighborhood punk rockers houses. i wasnt in the mood. "wait till every1 hears thats the mighty Kurt-Cain got shot." Tuck said i shot him a dirty look and said "if u fuckin start i swear........" he knew 2 shut up so i stopped in the middle of my sentence. "come on" Tuck said, "u can stay with me at my brother Art's house. 2maro we can go spend some of that money." now i knew Art and he was a junkie burnout punk rocker. i was in no conditon 2 b using heroin so i said, "not 2nite,we an stay here, sleep under the bridge" "Sure y not" Tuck answered me. that night when Tuck was sleeping, pulled my razor out, cut my good arm and wrote dow on a peice of paper ith the blood

here i sit
dreanched in your blood
its like a scary
overwheling flood
im still shocked
i cant believe i did it
the sound of the trigger pull
the day i thought about it at school
suside or murder
can i go on
will i go on
broken bones
and broken hearts
i think im all alone
so lord help me
through these troublesum nites
my dreams will turn 2 nitemares
my hopes will turn 2 frights
so now i will ponder
and maybe find out y
i get so fucking sad
but nvr even cry
at least i know one thing
and i will understand
i wont feel your hits from your evil brewing hand
your drunk ass is gone
and now im on the run
but now the whole world will know
the story that i have 2 tell
broken child left broken home

and after that i fell asleep

to be continued


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Sunday, November 20, 2005

Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child Part 2-My Life Sucks Ass(Should I Stay Or Should I Go?)
after i walked through the front door the sun was almost all the way up and it was near 6:00 in the morning. "where have you been Kurt?" my mom asked as i came through the living room, she was drunk and she obviously didnt care where i had actually been. "no where" i said. "today mite be the day" she said like she did every morning for the past 3 years. "will you quit saying that!?" i yelled at her annoyed,"it is not the fucking day it will nvr b the day shut the fuck up!!!" u see my mom bought loto tickets and raffle tickets and everything. she basicly depended on them as our income seeing that my dad did god only knows what for a living i think he was a bagger at a store or a waiter, he swtched jobs alot. "what are u gonna do today?" she asked as she coughed after she puffed her cigeratte. "nothing, now drink your fuckin liquior and fuck off!" i answered. "fuck u Kurt u fuckin mistake!" she yelled back as walked down the hall. i looked into my parents on my way to the bathroom. "KURT U HOE BAG NO GOOD FUCK FACED ASSHOLE!!!!" my dad yelled at me as he shot out the door of the room. he backhanded me in the face. "U THINK CAN GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING U DO!?! U THINK THIS IS A HOTEL!?! U THINK WE WANT U HERE!?!?" he grabbed me by the neck and looked me in the eye and said softly, "i wish u would die, i wish would get the fuck out. juSt go get outta my face. i dont want u in my house. i should have thought about what was gonna happen 16 years ago when i was fuckin your mother, what am i gonna do with a mistake?" and with that he through me agaist the wall and busted head open. i slid down the wall makin a mark of blood from where my head was bleeding. i got up and smiled at my dad. "hey i always wanted red streaks. black and red are cool together" my dad looked at me and rite before i went into the bathroom he said, "your such a smart ass." and he through a beer bottle at me that busted on my back and scratched my arm. i gave him the finger, slammed the bathroom door and yelled, "FUCK YOU!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs. he left, he was gonna be even more late for work. i was gonna be late for school not that it really mattered. i had dressed before i left last nite and i was basicly ready to go but i had 2 touch up. i fixed my eyeliner, took a piss, and tied my black Hi-Top Converses. i was gonna meet Tuck at the corner and it was 6:45 and skool started at 7:30. i opened the door and went down the hall, "Kurt where ya goin?" my mom asked and i was out the door except for my arm which had my hand attched 2 it with my middle finger up. i pulled my arm outta the door and slammed it. i saw Tuck commin up the road. "god the whole fuckin block heard that!!" "heard what?" and Tuck starteled me by yelling "FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!" at the top of his lungs. "WHAT THE FUCK!?!" i said back to him. "just sayin." Tuck answered back.
we approched the skool. Riffle Street High School for that matter. the name made me wanna riffle every1 there down. as we walked toward the school all the "normal" people stared at us. i gave em the "shove it" arm gesture and they looked away. after that 5 guys came toward me. "Kurt-Cain, Tucker, hi." one said it was the gang of renagade sk8rs, Timmy, Adam, Travis, Mike, and their leader, Jason, who was the one that adressed me. "i respect that u have the good." he continued with a wink that sorta made me paranoid. "u bet." i said. "but there is a catch." "go on" he said back. "its the holiday season" i continued, "my prices r going up, supply and demand u understand." "sure" he said back "we just want our stuff" "fine" i answered u owe me "$2,000" "deal" he said quickly, and he shook my hand. afterward he said, "during lunch, behind the gym, see ya then." he said as he turned away. the bell rang after that, and i was sure that at least 10 kids heard what we were talking about. and i think thy were tattle-tale mother fuckers that meddle in other kids lives. it was first period, math, ewwwwwwwwwww. well Mrs.Gispona was collecting homework and i nvr had mine. "where is yur homework Kurt?" she asked. every1 stared at me, i said "up your fat ass" and with that she called the office and sent me there. i luved pissing her off. well i got 2 Mr.Ron's ofice and he sure as hell was gonna give me some shit. "KURT!!!!" he yelled starteling me as he came through the door. "what?" i said very braty. "y do u always show up in my office? y do u come 2 skool?" he asked me cause he wanted 2 get 2 the point. i knew he didnt want 2 fuck with me. "u know what." i said back to him, "im gonna go home, and i dont think im cummin back" i said "good answer" he said he walked toward his door and b4 he left he said "u have potential Kurt, i dont want u 2 drop out but maybe u'll find what u want sumday. but until then good luck" and he went out the door. i left shortly after that and it was lunch. i went and collected my money and gave them their goods. i had worse things on my mind. wheather i could go home or not. Tuck went back 2 the bridge he said he had sumthing important 2 do but i dunno about that. but a rote a poem in my head and i worte it down l8r.it was sorta my good-bye note. but it goes

what the fuck am i gonna do
run the fuck away
or stay with
i cant put up with this anymore
i cuss u out, i run out the door
so its over im done
im leavin u won
but b4 i leave i have 2 do
sumthin ive always wanted 2
so now its time the momnet of truth
u're gettin rid of this troulbed youth
syonara and good nite
this is our final fuckin fite
im finished with all of this
gonna pack up and leave this shit
1 final wave
one more word
and ill b gone from this world
u wont miss me i know u wont
from evry fucking poem i wrote
so nows its time
im off im gone
there was no rite
there was no rong
and will now forever roam
thank god i left that broken home

and everytime i thought about going home my stomach churned, and i was on my porch then i reliezed



tonite's the nite

to be continued




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Friday, November 18, 2005

Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child Part 1-It Doesn't Get Any Better
i jumped out the window on that cold cold end of fall night. i just got outta a fight with my dad a couple of hours ago and my shoulder was outta socket and i had a black eye.
hey im Kurt but most call me Kurt-Cain. im a 15 year old punk rocker and i fuckin hate my parent and my life. i live on the streets. no one listens to me,and all i do is smoke marawana and sell cocaine at school, thats the only reason i go.but back to what i was talking about.
i approched the bridge and all my so called posse was hanging around, the rejects, the areas punk rockers who spend nite after nite in clubs and drink and fuck an do drugs and thats it. they all came fom the same life. lost broken children that their parents think they were all mistakes. i saw my best friend, Tucker, my partner in crime, whose parents kicked him out becase the were just so fucking drunk. u see im the leader here and all we do is eat gas station food graffti and club. Tuck motioned me over which ment he wanted 2 say sumthin 2 me. i walk slowy towad him, cause every step i took made my arm throb and every blink made my eye feel like it was gonna pop outta my head. "hey Kurt-Cain" he said, "u got a problm with the rents? those fuckers kick u out or just beat your ass to a pulp?" "yeah actually i took my dads liquor and he beat my ass for it. he fukin dislocated my shoulder." Tuck grabbed my arm and poped it back in. "hurt?" he asked"not as bad as when he cut my leg open with a broken glass." i flashed the scar that went all the way up my rite leg." "went a lil crazy with your eyeliner ey Kurt?" Tuck said as he puffed his joint."black fuckin eye" i replyed i knew he was picking on me, but i was in no conditon 2 fite. he passed me his joint "take all your troubles away, as if u fuckin could." "fuck you" is all i could render as i took a puff. it was 5 o'clock in the morning and all my friend were standing around smoking and making out and hell even some were having sex rite there under the bridge. "u wanna go to school 2day?" Tuck asked. "Sure why not" i answered "i need some money anyway, i need 2 buy some more winter clothes, espesailly cause its getting so cold and i could make damn near $1000 2day. holiday season comming up, and buisness speeds up." and with that i went home 2 freashen up, i h8ed going 2 school and not looking my best, a buisness man needs 2 look clean, even though im a drug dealer. but b4 i got there i pricked m finger and wrote on the side of the bridge with my blood.

with ever breath i take
with all the the shit i do
with all the drags i puff
with every broken fuck
i need some reasurement
some way 2 feel sucure
but i will nvr get that
ill walk rite out the door
so if i fuckin kill u
or give up just b4
remember this and always
i h8 u fucking whores
i rite this with my red blood
it hurts so very bad
but u dont realy care
so i mite as well not wrry
cause your not really there
so masocast is life
and life is masocist
so fuck u im leavin
good nite and good bye
look around this getto town
and not even cry
so im not gonna cry
and certiny wont say
ive totally broken apart
from this broekn home 2day

so i walked the rest of the way home after i finished.....

2 be continued
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