Sunday, January 15, 2006

Broken Home, Broken Life, Broken Child-Part 12-My Vacation From Masocation
the bus stopped at the Fairville Bus Station. we got there an hour after we left. we got our stuff, and luged it back 2 the bridge. "HEY EVERY1!!!!! LOOK WHO IT IS!!!! ITS TUCK AND KURT!!!!" Greg yelled. they all looked up from wat they were doing and stampeded over. "I HEARD U KILLED MADDOG!!!" sum1 screamed from the right, "I HEARD YOU ALMOST GOT KILLED!!!" sum1 screamed from the left. "HOLD IT!!! HOLD IT!!!!" Greg yelled as he stepped in front of us, "GIVE EM SOME ROOM 2 BREATHE!!!" he continued. every1 scattered, they didnt wanna start a fite. "yeah i held down the fort while u were gone, sum1 has 2 watch these guys" Greg said, like i owed him sumthing. pffft, hardly. "yeah i have 2 say the gand couldnt have been taken care of with a leader here." i said sarcastically. Tuck was almost laughing. "wat whould i go without such a good friend as u?" i said. "oh Kurt u know u can count on me." Greg said. he was trying 2 make me feel guilty or sumthing. but either way, he wanted rewarded. "oh i know your my best friend!!" i sealed the deal with an egknoledgeing hug, "wat would i do without u Greg?" i pretended 2 cry. i wound have been crying anyway, he was sooo dumb, probobly from all the drugs he was doing. every1 was laughing, Tuck coulnt stop. "HEY!!!! DONT MAKE FUN OF KURT BECUZ HES SENSITIVE!!" Greg said, he had no idea wat was going on. i pulled away from him. "let me put it this way, wat WOULDNT i do without u!!!" we were all laughing, and it took him till every1 was dun 2 figure it out. "oh u guys r asses!!!!!" he stomped off. buy the time it was 7:00 every1 had gone out 2 party and deal. me and Tuck we tired, plus after living in the city, they parties out here sucked. "well?..." Tuck said taking a cigeratte out. "well wat?" i asked. i was confused. "well, here we r!!" he said standing up from where he was sitting. he was frustrated i could tell. "y did we cum back?" he asked as he lit his cigeratte. "well, i dont know...." i answered. "ya c! u dont know!!!" he was getting agetated, a fight was comming on. "u know wat Tuck, u need 2 quit being so god damn self centered, and worry about sumthing other than yourself!!!" i said in defense. i laid my head down on my pillow. "WHATEVER I COULD FUCKIN CARE LESS!!!!" he through his cigeratte down, and started 2 walk over 2 where he slept. "WELL MAYBE U SHOULD GET OFF FUCKIN BACK!!!!" i yelled getting up from where i was laying. Tuck turned around, shaken, startled. "AND MAYBE SHOULD B A LITTLE MORE GREATFUL 4 ALL IVE DUN 4 U!!!!!" i yelled. i had 2 present a problem sumhow, and i had 2 get out y he didnt wanna b here, "OH PLEEZE IVE HAD 2 GO ALONG WITH EVERYTHING UVE DUN!!!" IVE PULLED YOUR SORRY ASS OUTTA THE GUTTER MORE TIMES THAN EITHER OF US CAN COUNT!!!" he yelled back. "WELL ITS NOT LIKE I HAVENT DUN ANYTHING 4 U!!!! i screamed. "PLEEZE I DO MORE BY ACCIDENT THAN U DO ON PURPOSE!!!" he beamed back. "FINE IM FUCKIN LEAVING!!!!" i stormed off. "FINE JUST GO!!!!" Tuck yelled. i turned. "FUCK YOU!!!!" i screamed, and gave him the finger. i turned back around and it was done. i couldnt deal with it. i had 2 figure out y Tuck was so upset about being here. and i figured it out. it was where he lost everything. he had hardly anything 2 begin with, and now, there wasnt much left. i came 2 Hoover. i had 2 do it. i walked 2 where my house was. i stood there. i thought of how i lived, how i grew up. Tuck came along soon. "i thought id find u here. listen Kurt im sorry, i just...." i cut him off "its ok, i understand." i said. i looked at my house, "yeah, i guess i nvr reliezed how much ive lost, and how much nobody cared." i said in defense of Tuck's concern. "Kurt, id do anything 4 u." Tuck said, wailing compassionatly. "even kill me?" i asked darkly, almost like i was pycho. "well Kurt..." Tuck tried 2 make an excuse. "would u?" i paused dramatically, "could u?" there was nuthing left in wat i had said. no emotion, just a blank statement. Tuck looked at me funny. his eys said, "r u asking me 2 murder u?" he nvr asked that physically, but emotionally he did, many many times. he ran it through his mind, over and over, like he just heard the most unexpected thing ever. like< green Day is breaking up or sum1 we hung out with saying 50 Cent is soooo fuckin cool!! i really didnt know where 2 go from there. anything was really expected, even tuck pulling a gun out replying, "yes i could" and shoting me rite between the eyes. i didnt care. any1 who asks u 2 kill them either REALLY wants 2 die, or REALLY wants attention. id grwon accustomed 2 murder. i was after all......a murderer. i on the otherhand at this moment wanted 2 be the murdered. i wanted my blood 2 run down the sidewalk, and in2 the storm drain. i figured, wats ever gonna becum of me? i cant stay out here 4ever. i was gonna b 16 in febuary, and i was gonna have 2 leave these streets sumday and find something i was good at. i can write, and draw, and even play guitar. Tuck was a drummer 2. we had a band, but that all fell apart when Tuck got kicked out. verything, all at once, going through my mind. i was in a blank stare, pail, absent minded, dumbfounded, dumbstruck, it could hardly explain it. i looked at where my shitty ghetto house used 2 sit, and i looked up at Tuck. i thought of who cared about my parents dying, and if my mom cared that i killed my dad. then, i got down on my knees, i felt like the nite my house burned down. suisidal. i was a normal kid at one time. i didnt want this. i was a little boy, with dreams 2 b an author, or sumthing like that. but, when i gave up, after the 4th broekn arm, age of 12, i resorted 2 my only option. the streets. those nights, not knowing wat 2 do. bloody arms, cuts. the scars of year past. i looked at them all. they all told a story. there r still so many. theyll nvr go away. just like the past. its a reminder, sort of symbolizing hwo when u suffer, and that never goes away. time really doesnt heal all wounds, just makes them deeper. i still 2 this day look at those scars and relieze wat i had 2 sacrifise, and it will always haunt me. Tuck started 2 turn and said, "i understand wat u want..." he started walking off, and ass he dissapeared in2 the distance he yelled, "just think long and hard about it!!" and he was out of sight. back 2 the bridge, the shitty ghetto suburban bridge. just like my house. just like everything in Fairlville. Fairville damn well, New fuckin Jersey, as i usually called it. and i remember my first party, my first drag, my first time having sex,my first time being high, when i started dealing, when me and Tuck went ful-time street, we broke apart from life, but not just for a fight, or a small rebellion, but permanatly. most of all when we sealed the deal, the past scars, and we would nvr 4get that. when we died our hair black, started using eyeliner, the whole thing. we were the real deal. suming id nvr thought id b i was. when your born, u dont know who u are, but they say in your teen years u define yourself. make yourself who u r. and then and there. we knew who we were. we were ready for it all. we were gonna take on the world. Tuck and i fuguring out how 2 weasel out of the system. fucked with who we could. we did it all. and we h8ed ourselves 4 it at first. but we grew accustomed 2 it. a life of pure sin. we were nobodies. we were just another face in the crowd. Non-Conformist, Anarchist, Punk Rock, Rebellious, Broken, Drug Addicted, Bad-Ass, and so much more than that. but that nite. that nite i, yes, i, Kurt Blackwood, became the ruler, the leader, the holy fuck, shit and everything else. i got it all, and i had it all after that nite. it was a party. the biggest suburbian street punk party ever known. me and Tuck were there, hardly getting anything from any1 there. it was October of last year and i was in late 14 and Tuck was too seeing his birthday is in April. "hey kid!!!" one guy said 2 me. "hey, u new here?" he asked me. "yeah...sorta." i answered. "u want sum street cred?" he quizzed again. the answer was obvious, "fuck yes i do!!!" i repiled ditermined. he answered, "ok" and lead me toward a stage where a whole bunch of local punk rock bands were playing. Tuck followed me, and he was in the front row. "Hey every1!!!! who wants 2 challenge..." he paused. "whats your name kids?" he asked, whispering 2 me, hand over the microphone. "Kurt" i said back 2 him. "Kurt here!!!" every1 looked sorta confused. The guy thought fast, "Kurt Cocaine!!! oh my fuckin god u dont know him?? hes the ONLY guy out herre who's ever done 10 joints and 5 lines of Coke in 1 hour without passing out. every1 gasped, and no one said anything about challenging me. "cum on Bucky, u know ill take him!!!" a voice beamed from the back. he pushed through the crowd. Bucky, better known as Bucky-Bullet, one of if not the best drug dealer around, looked at the guy and said, "ok!! we have a challenger!!!" it was a guy named Maxly-Marajuana, he did nearly anything 4 a joint. "ok, first 2 finish or be standing last wins!!!" he paused, "GO!!!!" i had started to snort the Coke. i didnt stop between lines. i had all five down in 30 minutes. i was dizzy, but i went on 2 the joints. Mxly, was on his ninth, and he looked like he was gonna have a heart attack and die. he hadnt even gotten 2 the 5, 6 inch lines of Coke on the table. i went 2 at a time. each round 5 mintues long. finally, 55 minutes in2 it, i was dun. the crowd went wild. "the winner, Kurt Cocaine!!!" the sound was deafening. Maxly, had fell backwards, and passed out after his second line. i felt like a clamp was squeezing on my head. it felt like i was gonna burst. every1 thered knew me after that. left and right, "hey Kurt Cocaine!!" Tuck was thrilled. i was secretly, but i didnt say anything. i was trying 2 act like it was no big deal. by the time we left it was 1:00AM and i got back in my window, and Tuck's parents couldnt hear an elephant run through the house. by the end of the week every1 knew me, and they made me the first 2 lead. i dropped the "Co" in Cocaine a couple weeks after that, 4 various reasons. it sounded like, Kurt Cobian from Nirvana, which i like Nirvana, but i found it tacky and cliqued. plus, i tried that same stunt again, and i nearly had a seisure and landed in the hospitial for a week. i came outta my flashback. it took me till 2:00AM, but i still hardly felt any better. i walked across the bridge. i looked down on the Wasteland. i looked at New York City, i looked at myself in the silver lamposts. my pysical reflection made me reflect emotionally. i was tired, so i went down under the bridge and tried 2 fall asleep. But Tuck walked over, and was smoking over my head, "one of these days Kurt, we're gonna be sumthing better than this..." he paused, "and i cant wait" "no, Tuck, we are who we are, and it wont even b 5 years before we're outta here. but sumday, far off, maybe." i returned looking up at the bottom of the bridge. it was blocking the sky, or else i would have been lookinn at the stars. but i couldnt look Tuck in the face, and i didnt. he puffed his cigeratte, and turned and went back 2 where he was standing. and yelled 2 me, "u just keep believin that!!" and sat down on the curb where he finished his cigeratte, and eventually fell asleep. i wrote...

this was not intended at all
every broken fight
every broken fall
we are
who we are
it is
very hard
we are
we are lost
and no one will do a damn thing about it
even if u go into a crowded room and shout it
masocate
it's to late
and now my past regrets r shown
and i must face nightmares
of my broken home

and i fell asleep, awaiting the nightmares, that were awaiting me.

to be continued
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