Thursday, February 24, 2005

   WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
YAY!!! I'm so HYPER NOW! I LOVE IT!!! This morning I had to get up at six again but in my theatre design lab we were using this FUN program called Paint 7!!! It does such AWESOME things!!!

Yesterday I went to a couple bookstores w/my mom and got to read Fruits Basket 2 and start 3.

YAY! It's such an awesome manga!!! I got to--let's see--what was cow-boy's name?!?! I can't remember!!!

Damn.

Oh well.

The cow was just telling Tohru how Yuki and Kyo used to have a "more thunderous relationship" and was just saying that "they used to have more hostile vibes" when my mom's like, it's 9:35!

And all I could do was follow inwardly sobbing over having to leave. I had to get up early today, you see, and didn't want to be up late. Especially since I woke up with a bloody headache yesterday that eventually turned into a bloody migraine.

But it's gone now! Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

But back to FB I can just see all those Sohma boys falling for Tohru... hehehe. I love that part at the end of 1 when Kyo and Yuki come to bring Tohru back to live with them from her relatives and a cousin or something of her's is like, "These're the men you've been living with, Tohru-chan?!" and Yuki flattens him and says "Don't call her that like you're her friend." Haha! I LOVE it!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeee!

Now I'm off to have HOURS and HOURS of fun before my dumb philosophy class! YAY! I'll feel annoyed about class when it gets here... 'til then YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^
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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

   it's funny to have my mother come downstairs and hear my Japanese rock music mp3s I downloaded and be like o_O what the hell are you listening to?! It's not even in English!
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   (has anyone ever tried to have two AIM conversations, update your site, and read fanfic on a different site all at once?!?!?! it doesn't work very well)
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   I don't know why I'm putting the laughing icon up... some sort of odd compulsion...
I'm copying and pasting a post I put late last night that most people didn't see cuz they checked my site earlier in the day:

Sooooooooooo I've been looking around at fanfic on deviantart... and you know, I only got into it cuz I was looking at Inuyasha fanart on deviant and someone had a fanfic tacked to a pic... and it was awfully good... and I thought, maybe there's something to this stuff after all! I had never given it any consideration before, you see. So I've been reading fanfic from there and other places, but only Inuyasha because I'm still in my little Inuyasha-obsessed world though I'm not hyper right now (damn it. I hate being anything but hyper these days. Any other state of mind sucks to me right now). So anyway just after I read that first story I was reminded of this story I'd made up for Inuyasha that'd been rolling around in my head for two months or more and felt inspired to write fanfic for the first time in my life (...HOW when I've been so obsessed with fandom universes since I was BORN!?) and started writing. I liked how it was going...

But as I've been working on it, I'm not so sure it's all that good. Not the writing itself, if I really try I can write circles around the lit profs at my school *ashamed at the pretentious thought, but still starts skipping smugly around the poor befuddled profs* I know there's things I need to fix with the actual writing but I can do that. I do love some of the little individual bits, and I know I can make them come together, but... just the overall plot... and some of the specific elements, too... I'm not so sure it's any good. After reading quite a bit of fanfic today I'm thinking my story is kind of bland and not very interesting and not very original. I still think I can do it well, but what if it's not worth doing?! I'm feeling kinda down... and depressed... and lonely... and inadequate. If you gave me anyone's fanfic plot I can turn it into something AWEsome... but... I have such a hard time with original ideas! Grrrr! That's probably the only reason why I gave up deciding to do writing as a job. I love it. I love taking ideas and making awesome things out of them and I love the little piddling details I have to work out to make the words go right and the imagery provocative and the whole thing work together--but I need somewhere to start! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! Damn!! If I just had half a good idea I could really do something, but... T_T I don't and I never will. Arg. I feel strangely needing encouragement. Arg. Arg. Arg. Arg. Arg. Arg. I wasn't planning on that many Arg.s but they just came out. Ah damn it all. I have to go find something to distract me from this... anyway probably no one will see it. It's already eight here and most people probably checked people's sites before now and since it's still today they can't tell I wrote more.







ARG.


*alternately seethes and cries*
//end yesterday's post

So... thanks for the encouragement, Nikorasu & Secily. I might still write it... I'm not sure yet...

Let's see. I have a class starting in a minute that I missed both Monday and last Friday. Should I go? Should I not...?
I don't wanna. I missed a quiz last Friday so there won't be one today, she doesn't make them so close together. I'll just read this section in the book.
Haha. Bad Aliryn doesn't care.

Weeeeeeeell I really oughta go get tested for bipolar cuz I'm almost positive I am and I've been in what they call a "mixed episode" the last few days... I didn't even know it was officially something they knew about or that it had a name 'til my mother brought home a pamphlet on bipolar from the mental health center. All I knew was somehow I could get depressed and hyper all at once which makes no sense whatsoever and I can't explain it no matter how hard I try. I'm teetering between the two. I've actually mainly been in hyper mode for the past month or two, and frankly I'd rather have even mixed episodes than the depression. D~a~a~a~mn. Blah. The best thing for me in a mixed episode is creating, not reading/viewing other people's stuff, but I have no inspiration... not to mention that when I'm in a hyper or a mixed mode I do some of my best creating. The poetry I've written that's come out of those times... and if you wanna read my poetry, I've got a freewebs site I'm (sort of) working on and I'm currently in the long process of getting my... lessee... I think it was like 128 poems onto the computer. So they'll be up eventually for those of you who like to read poetry. Haha. I'll put a button for the other site in my intro here once I've finished (or nearly, I'd at least like a fair amount of material on there before I let people loose on it) it.

Soooooooooooooo I'm now gonna... do... something or other... hrm. I dunno if I'm ever gonna go back to any classes but theatre design and philosophy if someone doesn't kick my lazy butt into gear. (Please don't take that as an invitation to cruelly yell at me to go to class. You'll just make me cry.)

Oh and ps I'm royally confused about anything and everything in the entire universe right now.

Oh and pss I'm sorry for being such a bitch the last couple days. I'm feeling really trashy plus I have a bloody rotten headache. I really am sorry... I know this kind of stuff gives you a funny feeling of dread and disturbedness in your stomach because I get it from reading other depressed peoples' posts and from seeing my mother like this. So I really am deeply, deeply sorry... but I'd be even worse off if I didn't scream my insanity out into cyberspace once in a while. My poor mother doesn't even do that... and she has social anxiety, which is another mental disease that you can't help, and it means that she has a hard time with pretty much anyone in person... maybe with the exception of my and my brother--but if so we're the only ones. And she's still really sick. So for those of you who pray, if you'd keep her in mind, I'd really appreciate it. Her life sucks worse than mine and has since she was five years old and she has more and worse mental health problems too. The worst thing is knowing there's not a damn thing I can do to help. I know she wouldn't be quite so depressed if we weren't so poor and I should have gotten a job months and months ago, but I'm not sure I could hold a job even if I could find one... because of my own mental health issues... I'm just... so... incompetent...
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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

   Fanfic -_-
Sooooooooooo I've been looking around at fanfic on deviantart... and you know, I only got into it cuz I was looking at Inuyasha fanart on deviant and someone had a fanfic tacked to a pic... and it was awfully good... and I thought, maybe there's something to this stuff after all! I had never given it any consideration before, you see. So I've been reading fanfic from there and other places, but only Inuyasha because I'm still in my little Inuyasha-obsessed world though I'm not hyper right now (damn it. I hate being anything but hyper these days. Any other state of mind sucks to me right now). So anyway just after I read that first story I was reminded of this story I'd made up for Inuyasha that'd been rolling around in my head for two months or more and felt inspired to write fanfic for the first time in my life (...HOW when I've been so obsessed with fandom universes since I was BORN!?) and started writing. I liked how it was going...

But as I've been working on it, I'm not so sure it's all that good. Not the writing itself, if I really try I can write circles around the lit profs at my school *ashamed at the pretentious thought, but still starts skipping smugly around the poor befuddled profs* I know there's things I need to fix with the actual writing but I can do that. I do love some of the little individual bits, and I know I can make them come together, but... just the overall plot... and some of the specific elements, too... I'm not so sure it's any good. After reading quite a bit of fanfic today I'm thinking my story is kind of bland and not very interesting and not very original. I still think I can do it well, but what if it's not worth doing?! I'm feeling kinda down... and depressed... and lonely... and inadequate. If you gave me anyone's fanfic plot I can turn it into something AWEsome... but... I have such a hard time with original ideas! Grrrr! That's probably the only reason why I gave up deciding to do writing as a job. I love it. I love taking ideas and making awesome things out of them and I love the little piddling details I have to work out to make the words go right and the imagery provocative and the whole thing work together--but I need somewhere to start! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! Damn!! If I just had half a good idea I could really do something, but... T_T I don't and I never will. Arg. I feel strangely needing encouragement. Arg. Arg. Arg. Arg. Arg. Arg. I wasn't planning on that many Arg.s but they just came out. Ah damn it all. I have to go find something to distract me from this... anyway probably no one will see it. It's already eight here and most people probably checked people's sites before now and since it's still today they can't tell I wrote more.







ARG.


*alternately seethes and cries*
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Haha, I just finished my philosophy test... in five minutes flat. Really. Literally. Haha. I could take an earlier bus but I don't want to. I have an hour to kill... but I'm not gonna be stupid. I don't have any dvds that short that I feel like watching so I won't push my luck and try to watch a longer one... haha. Trying to avoid yesterday's disaster... hahaha... erm... bye.
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   *insert witty, suspenseful, attention-grabbing title here*
So through a rather odd series of events, yesterday I got to start reading Fruits Basket manga.

I posted yesterday how I *finally* realized I could watch dvds on the school pcs since there's no ideal way to watch them at my house at the moment (look back if you want to read the whole freaking argument. Yes you have to go to my archives, I post such long things more than one day at a time would be ridiculously far to scroll through.) So after I started feeling blah yesterday (oh just go look back and read the whole freaking post) I was kinda schlupping around the net and eventually felt like watching Toki O Koeru Omoi (Inuyasha move 1) but it was late and I missed the 3:45 and 4:45 busses. I then went and read more fanfic because I was into my hyper INUYASHAINUYASHAINUYASHA mode in which nothing else whatsoever was capable of entering my consciousness... and missed the 5:45 bus by like 15 seconds. (I've started using only numerals for numbers here; most people don't read carefully and those are more instantly recognizable. You may now thank the magnanimous Aliryn-chan for making your life a split second easier.) And since I have to catch a second bus at 6:15 at the latest to get to my house, and the next time the first bus left was 6:15, I was in something of a predicament. You see, we're broke, and we turned the ringer off the phone at home, so there's no way to tell if someone's calling (ie some lame credit card company that really doesn't need our money but acts like it's a matter of life and death). My mother has a cell phone but she usually doesn't turn it on unless she's out of the house (a habit we realized yesterday was a bad one if the ringer's off the house phone). Now I was supposed to be home a bit before five (yes it takes a long time for me to get home. Two long bus rides and a lousy hike at the end.) but since my mother's really sick she was asleep and therefore didn't know I was home. I couldn't call her to let her know, obviously... so I took the 6:15 bus from campus and got off at the mall and went in because hanging around outside after dark when you're just a whimpy girl all alone is one of the most abysmally stupid mistakes that can be made. Inside the mall is more safe because it's well-lit and there's lots of people everywhere, even on a Monday night. So I had no way to get home, no way to get ahold of my mother, and no way to know when she'd wake up and call me, I decided to go down to the B. Dalton (a bookstore chain that's owned by Barnes & Noble if you didn't know) in the mall. So I went and looked at the manga and wanted to read stuff... I felt like reading something kinda happy and cool even if it was serious so I reread vol 5 of Alice 19th which is this cute little 7-vol series by Watase Yuu-sensei that I read because it's fun. I then looked at the other stuff they had (not much) and thought, I've heard an awful lot about Fruits Basket, I guess I'll try it. They had Immortal Rain 2-4 but I didn't feel like it (I don't pretend to understand myself, either o_O ) so I could get away with reading FB. I got through 1 and part of 2... and it's so cool! Her art isn't my favorite but I love the story. It's so cute! "Kidnap the Princess!" Haha! They're these messy violent boys and they get so upset after she leaves! (those relatives of hers >_< what jerks. Her senile(?) grandpa's funny tho' ) And the one friend of hers... the "wave detector"! What a kick! And you know, I'm beginning to see the Japanese idea of Americans (they call us Yankees or Yanks! I thought that was some old word no one used! What a riot! I know the second one at least is supposed to be deragatory but I can't bring myself to let it bother me. haha. anyway a lot of Americans are the way we're stereotyped... though I don't know any personally... can you stereotype a group you're in o_O !?) as funny. I don't feel insulted... it's a bit of a stereotype but FREAK! It's FUNNY! (comment brought on by thoughts of her other friend.)
Haha. First series I've liked that didn't freaking hurt. I always go for the painful stuff... I have this long drawn-out philosophical argument as to how you can't have any real joy without pain, and that they come in equal amounts--a little or a lot, it's a little of both or a lot of both. So... I dunno why I like it... but it's a kick ^_^ !

Oh btw my mother did wake up eventually and called me--more annoyed than worried but I do stupid things like miss the bus all the time so I guess she probably figured it was something like that. Ha. She said she didn't mind coming to get me but she has hardly any gas and can't buy more... so I'm gonna have to be more careful. (That means no more AIM after my last class an any given day, ElvesAteMyRamen-chan! Or kasie2998! *sniff* ah well there's always other times. I'd still try but I have this little glitch in my brain where once I get into a thing, even if I know I have to stop, I'm like, I'll care about stopping after I've stopped, which obviously doesn't work. Sorry!!!)

Sooooo... I've got a philosophy test in a little less than an hour... which I did absolutely no studying for whatsoever. I never even did the reading in the first place... all I have to go on is a bunch of juvinile class discussions with people unwilling to change their stance even though they only have the opinions that they do because they leeched them off everyone else. They won't even think about it. Anyway... I'm not *too* worried about the test, though. She said it was stuff like multiple choice and true/false and matching. ("I love matching" she said o_O this being my TEACHER) So I figure I can wing it, though I probably can't. But I can never bring myself to care enough to actually do anything about it. I think it has to do with my depression... I've shoved it out of my mind so much because I can't take it so it like builds up or something so I can't deal with anything in real life... so I revert to escapism... again. Oh well. At this point I'm too screwed up to get fixed without massive overhaulling of my entire internal being and I'd need a shrink for that but I don't have the money for one. Ah well.

...



Ah, I'm sorry I didn't go to anyone's sites since, like, Friday! I came by today!!

And now I'm off to find better ways to waste my time than freaking talking my friends' ears off about nothing in particular!!!
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Monday, February 21, 2005

actually I'm being bad and watching movie trailers (for lots of things)
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   Er...
Okay, I dunno how I'm feeling at the moment... I was so tired by the time I went to bed yesterday I didn't feel anything--I'd been up for about 22 hours after all. Then after only 6 hours of sleep I woke up for no reason whatsoever and was completely incapable of falling back asleep despite my still-obvious depravation, so I laid there in the dark for hours with my thoughts wandering down a thousand variable sleepless paths, interspersed with playing Nintendo... and I was thinking later toward dawn, and it suddenly occured to me--I mean, I can't use my mom's dvd player, she's in her room usually; the family room I can use, but 1)it's freaking cold/hot (depending on the outside weather) because we keep the door shut and hardly ever go in there and 2)the couch is like... like... 5 or 6 freaking feet away from the tv! How the hell am I supposed to see that?!; and then my bro took the other dvd player to his dorm that I had had set up downstairs; and the dvd player on my pc is currently busted...
--and this morning as I'm unsuccessfully trying to sleep (which means I was thinking... pretty furiously. I couldn't shut my stupid brain off! I'd knock myself out but I'd get a creeping migraine and probably a seizure to top it off.)
...yes I WILL get to the point eventually...
--I realized, belatedly and completely brainlessly, --I realized, the pcs in the library at school have dvd players! I can take my dvds to school!

Haha, what a revalation.

I went nuts... I emptied the cds out of one of my cd wallets and put all of my dvds in it and put it in my backpack. I was SOOOOOOOOO HYPER this morning over the very idea! I was all, I'm gonna watch Toki O Koeru Omoi (Inuyasha movie 1)today! hahaHA!!!!! and went certifiably nuts dancing and singing and yelling in my head...

...and lost all of my momentum somewhere between my house and my stupid computer lab I had to go to this morning.

Yeckthhhhhhhhhhhh. Now I don't feel like watching anything. And trust me, I've got anything I could possibly be thrilled about watching with me--all of the extended LOTR, all of the SW, Inuyasha movie 1, a couple Trigun dvds, a Case Closed (Detective Conan), not to mention some weird eighties puppet movies I have an absolute kick off and a movie version of a Shakespeare play.

All bonus discs inclusive.

Who knew I had so many dvds of my own? I mean that're mine, not my family's?

It's great!

But...

I still don't feel like much of anything...

Ah hell let's visit people's sites.
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Sunday, February 20, 2005

   So... my sleep patterns are screwed up... I woke up at nine pm yesterday... and now I am staying up 'til tonight so I can get back on schedule... it's only eight-twenty and I already feel dreadfully blaaaaaaaaaaaaah... crap.
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