Tuesday, January 25, 2005

   WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OKAY I am SO HYPER NOW!!! MORE THAN BEFORE!!! *all duck* aw, don't run away! pleeeeeeeeeeeeease!?

Sooooooooo it's still Monday here... though this post will count as Tuesday... and today my mother got a check from my grandfather to help out cuz we're dirt poor and my mother said we could blow a little of it to stay sane... gah...

so A~N~Y~W~A~Y we went to Borders and I got Immortal Rain volume 1 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes it's only one manga and I've read it before but dang it I'll take anything... I've been doing without EVERYTHING... though that's kinda petty isn't it. Even though I get obsessed with stuff like SW and LOTR and Zelda and Inuyasha and Immortal Rain etc etc etc because I'm trying to find Ultimate Truth... it's closer than you think... and further. Don't ask me to explain all I've figured out (figured out as best as I could so far, I mean) because that would be like... a book... mainly because... there's not much of a way to say it... and no one picture or song could do it... it can only be grasped by inuring yourself into many, many good art (art: pictures, music, writing, dance, etc etc etc. it's all art) pieces... what's good art, you ask? It's anything that's beautiful and sad all at once, so that the two are inseperable... the beauty would never have occured without the sadness... and the sadness alone would never have been noted... because sadness alone is something we see every day, in everyone's life--whether you will admit it or not, whether you are aware of it or not... I'm being horribly mean by doing this... don't read more if you'd rather live in blissful ignorance than understand the universe... understanding brings pain and suffering and confusion, but also joy and light and clarity. If you are not afraid of never being able to forget such things, even for one instant, because no matter what happens to your mind... this truth is mired in your soul already, and once your heart and soul realize what is hidden there, you will feel it for all eternity... if you still wish to know what I have to say... then look inside yourself. Not at yourself. Expose yourself to all the art, including anime and movies etc, that you can, that are of worth, and listen inside. I have no basis, of course, but it is my belief that everyone is capable of realizing something terrible and wonderful, if they will only look and listen... what hurts you (emotionally)? What makes you sick, deep down in your gut? What causes you to burn and ache and be torn to shreds inside your very soul? Then comes the most important part: Why? You will not find the answer to be in any easily expressable form... the only way to show what you see is to create your own art... and this is what has caused the aching, torn-out fiery wound in my gut that I feel physically... I'm afraid most of my non-physical senses were blasted so badly that they calloused over... take my advice. No matter how much you hurt, about anything, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER wish to be numb instead. I would rather feel any amount of pain than this numb emptiness that is only broken through by monstrous things... perhaps it is that my normal emotions of the heart (not my brain. my brain moods are what makes my psycho. but there's a difference--you don't really feel those. Not in the same way, anyway) were numbed that caused me to be able to perceive the aching hole deep in my gut...

INUYASHAINUYASHAINUYASHA I'M GONNA PRACTICE HOW TO PAINT AND DRAW UNTIL I'M REALLY REALLY GOOD JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO PAINT INUYASHA STUFF SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD... ANIMEANIMEANIME!!!!!!!!!

Wow! I think Immortal Rain 4 is the BEST so far but I got 1 because I *hate* getting things out of order... and this from the owner of the chaotic bedroom that you forgot what color the floor was, it's been so long since I saw it!? Don't ask me... o O

I wanna make up my own list. Like the one I posted earlier only this one’s mine.

You know you're obsessed with your fandom universes when...
...there are so many posters on the walls of your room that you don't remember what color they are.
...you start sleeping with a book/manga/dvd/etc under your pillow. Just to be safe.
...you can't find inspiration to paint unless your favorite anime is on.
...you can't afford a new anime dvd so that every time you walk into a store it's the first thing you look for and then you stand there sighing and reading the back over and over and studying the pictures on the box incessantly and when it’s time to go the people you came with have to drag you out.
...you make an hour-long trip walking and on the bus (or any other way) twice a day (school and back or whatever) and you spend every minute... of every trip... every day... daydreaming about your obsessions... and keep *almost* missing your bus stop because of it. Or get run over.
...no one will sit at the next computer for longer than 60 seconds because, subtle as your wacked-out emotions about the stuff you're visiting online may seem, face it, you must be giving off some kind of overwhelming energy, or something...
...you get so caught up in what you're watching that you literally forget to keep eating... and stop with your fork (or whatever) dangling limply in front of your (open) mouth... or your fork (or whatever) is being gripped so tightly in your tensed hand that it leaves marks on your skin... I've, uh, really done that... a lot, actually... especially while watching Inuyasha...
...you stop even looking through the sections you normally look at in the bookstores and head straight for the thing you want... not because you're uninterested in new things, but... anything besides your focus just can't break into your consciousness... ~lockdown~
...you suddenly ask for/do things that make the people around you completely incredulous to the point that they don't even try to understand you anymore.
...you realize you're thinking/talking/writing, as if it were normal, with words in Japanese... or Elvish... or whatever (Huttese?) and you don't have to think the English word anymore... you just know it.
...you start daydreaming yourself into every series you love... my lightsaber is a color I could never describe! But it's beautiful, I tell you! And I know exactly how the hilt would be constructed, and what would be engraved where... and in what language... not in English you baka, where's the aura of mystique there!? And with a normal sword for places like the Sengoku Jidai and Middle Earth I have a single sword (very beautiful) decorated in silver sparkly things... elegantly, not tacky. But it comes apart into two swords, when I want them... and the other sword is decorated in gold sparkly things. And... and... the collar on my shirt would go just so... and... and... no, wait--I was doing something, wasn't I...? ummmm... I'm sure I had a point... OH YEAH
...you start daydreaming about cussing your clueless family and friends and aquaintances out in Japanese... before departing to Middle Earth or the Star Wars Universe or Hyrule or wherever... of course they'd come to pick you up in the Millenium Falcon... hehehe... that'll keep the UFO watchers talking for centuries
...you listen to music on your pc far more than on your cd player, because all of your anime songs are midi files, of course.
...you have a *barely* quenchable urge to find some public place like outside a mall or a school with lots and lots of people and run through the wind yelling ANIMEANIMEANIME!!!!!!!!! as loud as you can. At night. With your eyes shut. Seriously and laughing all at once.
...you bought ~how~ many versions of each LOTR movie!?
...your friend mentions in passing to his manager at the movie theater that you saw FOTR 24 times in the theater... and the manager feels so sorry for you he lets you into a midnight screening of TTT.
...you spend months and months and hours at a time putting together a costume that you'll wear exactly *once* (to a movie premier)
...you like taking your light-up sound-effects Luke Skywalker plastic lightsaber outside at night and practice your sword moves... and hope that your neighbors see you. Hopefully they'll confront you about your supposed idiocy and you'll get an audience for all your long list of reasons why it isn't stupid... and hopefuly win over a few brainwashed pop-culture lemmings
19. You lose track of time... all the time...
...you spend hours at a time trying to find drivers online, changing all your computer settings, taking your computer apart to adjust the connections, ANYTHING to make your dvd-rom work... so you can watch your Inuyasha movie EVERY DAY *sob* I've been so lost since my oniisan took the dvd player back to school!!! Come baaaaaaaaaaaaack, Inuyasha!!! *sob sob*
...you willingly live on canned kidney beans for months on end... so that you can afford to go see your movie twice a week in the theaters. Three times if life sucks really bad that week!
...your books start falling apart so badly from re-reading them so many times that you pretty much have to take that wide clear tape and put each seperate page back... which doesn't work very well, btw. I even tried staples on my old LOTR volume... that didn't work, either...
...you've beaten each Legend of Zelda game you own so many times that you know every little secret and sidequest backwards and forwards... and yet you still keep playing it.
...you are so caught up in your obsessions that your cat starts feeling neglected. *cries* I'm so sorry!
...you'd rather live off Pepsi and Ramen than cook something... ever. No time! Got better things to do! Like... download pics! And pics and pics and pics! good thing I got so much memory when I bought this pc...
...the reason you get up in the morning... is because you can read and watch and play and go online for stuff allllllllllllll about your obsessions... they're what get you through the boring spasms of things like classes and chores *gag* The Shikon no Tama is in pieces! Seiryu is going to devour the universe! Sauron almost has his hands on the One Ring! Anakin Skywalker is about to fall to the Dark Side and menace the entire galaxy for two decades! Ganondorf found the Triforce of Power! Knives is trying to kill all human life! The bad guys got Chezza! The Maram is devouring your sister! Etc! Etc! Etc! And you want me to wash the floor!?!?!? Baka! Baka!
...

Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka! Baka!ad infinitum ...!!!!!!!

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