Wednesday, February 23, 2005

   I don't know why I'm putting the laughing icon up... some sort of odd compulsion...
I'm copying and pasting a post I put late last night that most people didn't see cuz they checked my site earlier in the day:

Sooooooooooo I've been looking around at fanfic on deviantart... and you know, I only got into it cuz I was looking at Inuyasha fanart on deviant and someone had a fanfic tacked to a pic... and it was awfully good... and I thought, maybe there's something to this stuff after all! I had never given it any consideration before, you see. So I've been reading fanfic from there and other places, but only Inuyasha because I'm still in my little Inuyasha-obsessed world though I'm not hyper right now (damn it. I hate being anything but hyper these days. Any other state of mind sucks to me right now). So anyway just after I read that first story I was reminded of this story I'd made up for Inuyasha that'd been rolling around in my head for two months or more and felt inspired to write fanfic for the first time in my life (...HOW when I've been so obsessed with fandom universes since I was BORN!?) and started writing. I liked how it was going...

But as I've been working on it, I'm not so sure it's all that good. Not the writing itself, if I really try I can write circles around the lit profs at my school *ashamed at the pretentious thought, but still starts skipping smugly around the poor befuddled profs* I know there's things I need to fix with the actual writing but I can do that. I do love some of the little individual bits, and I know I can make them come together, but... just the overall plot... and some of the specific elements, too... I'm not so sure it's any good. After reading quite a bit of fanfic today I'm thinking my story is kind of bland and not very interesting and not very original. I still think I can do it well, but what if it's not worth doing?! I'm feeling kinda down... and depressed... and lonely... and inadequate. If you gave me anyone's fanfic plot I can turn it into something AWEsome... but... I have such a hard time with original ideas! Grrrr! That's probably the only reason why I gave up deciding to do writing as a job. I love it. I love taking ideas and making awesome things out of them and I love the little piddling details I have to work out to make the words go right and the imagery provocative and the whole thing work together--but I need somewhere to start! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! Damn!! If I just had half a good idea I could really do something, but... T_T I don't and I never will. Arg. I feel strangely needing encouragement. Arg. Arg. Arg. Arg. Arg. Arg. I wasn't planning on that many Arg.s but they just came out. Ah damn it all. I have to go find something to distract me from this... anyway probably no one will see it. It's already eight here and most people probably checked people's sites before now and since it's still today they can't tell I wrote more.







ARG.


*alternately seethes and cries*
//end yesterday's post

So... thanks for the encouragement, Nikorasu & Secily. I might still write it... I'm not sure yet...

Let's see. I have a class starting in a minute that I missed both Monday and last Friday. Should I go? Should I not...?
I don't wanna. I missed a quiz last Friday so there won't be one today, she doesn't make them so close together. I'll just read this section in the book.
Haha. Bad Aliryn doesn't care.

Weeeeeeeell I really oughta go get tested for bipolar cuz I'm almost positive I am and I've been in what they call a "mixed episode" the last few days... I didn't even know it was officially something they knew about or that it had a name 'til my mother brought home a pamphlet on bipolar from the mental health center. All I knew was somehow I could get depressed and hyper all at once which makes no sense whatsoever and I can't explain it no matter how hard I try. I'm teetering between the two. I've actually mainly been in hyper mode for the past month or two, and frankly I'd rather have even mixed episodes than the depression. D~a~a~a~mn. Blah. The best thing for me in a mixed episode is creating, not reading/viewing other people's stuff, but I have no inspiration... not to mention that when I'm in a hyper or a mixed mode I do some of my best creating. The poetry I've written that's come out of those times... and if you wanna read my poetry, I've got a freewebs site I'm (sort of) working on and I'm currently in the long process of getting my... lessee... I think it was like 128 poems onto the computer. So they'll be up eventually for those of you who like to read poetry. Haha. I'll put a button for the other site in my intro here once I've finished (or nearly, I'd at least like a fair amount of material on there before I let people loose on it) it.

Soooooooooooooo I'm now gonna... do... something or other... hrm. I dunno if I'm ever gonna go back to any classes but theatre design and philosophy if someone doesn't kick my lazy butt into gear. (Please don't take that as an invitation to cruelly yell at me to go to class. You'll just make me cry.)

Oh and ps I'm royally confused about anything and everything in the entire universe right now.

Oh and pss I'm sorry for being such a bitch the last couple days. I'm feeling really trashy plus I have a bloody rotten headache. I really am sorry... I know this kind of stuff gives you a funny feeling of dread and disturbedness in your stomach because I get it from reading other depressed peoples' posts and from seeing my mother like this. So I really am deeply, deeply sorry... but I'd be even worse off if I didn't scream my insanity out into cyberspace once in a while. My poor mother doesn't even do that... and she has social anxiety, which is another mental disease that you can't help, and it means that she has a hard time with pretty much anyone in person... maybe with the exception of my and my brother--but if so we're the only ones. And she's still really sick. So for those of you who pray, if you'd keep her in mind, I'd really appreciate it. Her life sucks worse than mine and has since she was five years old and she has more and worse mental health problems too. The worst thing is knowing there's not a damn thing I can do to help. I know she wouldn't be quite so depressed if we weren't so poor and I should have gotten a job months and months ago, but I'm not sure I could hold a job even if I could find one... because of my own mental health issues... I'm just... so... incompetent...
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