Wednesday, March 2, 2005

Just whining... don't read if that bugs you. Oh and since I feel rotten right now I swear a lot. You've been warned.
I know I sound like all the other angsty adolescents out there, but I fucking want to die right now.

It comes of a combination of screwed brain chemicals that decided to hide again, having to call my grandfather and talk about fucking depressing things, and realising just how alone I feel--which makes me want to scream as loud as I can until I have no breath left. I've been running on my own steam for so long... even long after I ran out of steam. I don't know what I'm running on anymore. I haven't been to any of my classes since last Thursday, I haven't done any homework, I barely muddle through chores--which I only do cuz I hafta answer to my mom.

D~a~a~a~mn.

How come I'm so pissed off about things that don't sound half so bad out loud?

That's another thing I don't get. How come stuff that sounds lame in writing or saying hurts so fucking bad inside?

Arrrrrrrrrrg.

I'm frustrated, but I'm too blah to be energetic about it. I'm just tired and fucking pissed.

And only a few hours ago I was bouncily making my way from the bus stop to my house, daydreaming about Inuyasha.

I'm one hell of a lot more screwed up than most people think, I guess...

Maybe if I go watch my new Inuyasha movie again I'll feel at least a little better...

But I'm gonna faint. I haven't had a decent meal since mid-way last week cuz I haven't been hungry... but I've been feeling dizzy and weak. But right now I'm less hungry than ever because I'm so fucking depressed.

And a couple of nights ago, I realized that I've lost another five pounds in the last few weeks.

On top of it all, I have another bloody headache.

And I was so close to good inspiration for expanding the Inuyasha fanfic I'm working on... then the depression came out and squashed it to little crappy bits of useless nothing.

I want to smash something.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

I want to go back to the nice hyper feeling I've usually had over the course of the past three months.

I want to scream and scream and scream until every window within miles breaks and my vocal cords are ruined for life and my lungs give out into an asthma attack, because at least if I were wheezing and coughing I'd fucking feel something.

That's the worst part of all this. I can't really feel it, not in any deep gut-wrenching or heart-rending way. It's mainly a depression of my mind, but that depression lays an oppressive veil over my whole being... but my soul is the soul of an artist and a fighter so I can't fucking give up even if I wanted to. Deep down something is screaming at me to stand my ground and rip the smothering veil to shreds.

But I can't.

I don't know how.

I just...

I just...

I just don't fucking know anything anymore.

Even a short few months ago--maybe even weeks--I was so sure about the universe and everything in it.

The conclusions I drew still make sense, and are still the only way the universe can work, and the only way my deepest being agrees with--

But it doesn't seem like enough anymore.

What the fucking hell are you supposed to do when the ultimate answer to the universe isn't enough?!

I want to tear everything in sight to shreds.

I want to pull the blankets over my head forever.

I want to break out of all of this crappy mess and emerge to live my life the way I think I ought to live it.

I want to break out of all of the mess to find that there is an answer that's enough.

I looked in the mirror earlier. I was white as a ghost, whiter than I've ever seen myself. And I'm not sick. I'm just depressed, and lonely, and alone.

I fucking want to die right now.

But I don't.

I want to live... but only if I can really live. Only if someone would fix the world I was dumped in because I can't get anything to work.

I want to die.
But I want to live.
But not like this.
Not like this...





Crap.










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