Tuesday, July 12, 2005

   RPGs and the Philisophical Truths that Come from Them
I've been on a Star Wars kick along with Inuyasha lately. (I think it's because of Revenge of the Sith coming out.) I've been playing this rocking RPG called Knights of the Old Republic (have you heard of it? played it?) that my brother got last Christmas. I feel like talking about it partly because I've been mired in it so deeply, and partly because every time I go to the bookstore anymore all I read is Fruits Basket, and in the author's sidebars and sometimes in the Omaku(?) Theatre thing, she talks a lot about video games, which got my own wheels turning about the specifics of RPGs. But in this game, I, rather predictably, used the name 'Aliryn' for my character--I made it up, remember. It is from no language, real or made up, and means nothing and no one in the universe except one thing: me. So, basically, it's a matter of course that I use it as a screenname and for video game characters. The game is sad at parts, though. [be warned: spoilers for the storyline] I worked so hard to help a bunch of different people on Taris, the first planet that you have to work through, and the Sith bombed the whole thing into oblivion right after I left T_T I was so sad. Not because of wasted effort, but because things were finally getting so much better for so many people, but they all died right after I helped them. Oh, and then, at some point, one of the Jedi in your party (you eventually have nine characters in your group that go around with you, and you can pick up to two of them to have with you as you play the game (not the same two for the whole game--just until you change your party configuration)),Bastila, is captured--well, all ten of you are captured, but she stays back to hold the Biggest Bad Guy of the Game (Darth Malak) off so the rest of you can escape... and he, being the Sith Master, ends up turning her to the Dark Side T_T I really almost did cry then T_T I came SO CLOSE to crying T_T And that means something, 'cuz I don't cry easy. I kept getting hunches about what was going to happen in the storyline, and lemme tell you, there's plenty of times I felt a deep sense of dread that played out T_T like when Bastila turned to the Dark Side. The first time I played it through, I tried to reason with her when I was heading toward the Big Bad Battle at the End with Malak, but she wouldn't listen and I had to kill her... T_T ...and I sat there for like ten minutes staring at the screen with my hand on it in a silent plea for it to not be true... T_T ...but then I tell this to my brother, who already played it through once, and he was like "I convinced her to turn back to the Light Side." ...I almost strangled him. T_T I didn't say anything horrible to her, but maybe I didn't say the exact thing she needed to hear. You have choices of several things to say during conversations, and I apparently picked wrong... T_T ...and it may be insane, but I missed the old, good Bastila... her quiet, encouraging voice... I loved her voice, but it hurt to hear it filled with malice and hate... her kind eyes... now filled with rage and the lust for power... T_T ...I really did almost cry. Seriously. And after I was trying to do the big final battle with Malak... the Boss of the Whole Game thing... and I kept being so sad. I missed everyone else in my party, 'cuz I had to fight Bastila and Malak on my own, you see. I missed them all. It's kind of pathetic, missing fake characters, but it's the same as when a character dies in a movie or book (I really DID cry when I saw Revenge of the Sith T_T I haven't been able to go see it again; my mom hasn't, either. My poor brother. We had to drop him at the theater to watch it all alone.) ...but the difference is... they were people who responded and knew and liked me, personally. Sure, you have to choose from a limited number of things you can do and say, but every little thing shapes your character and everyone's reaction to her (or him. I can't find it in me to play a guy >_<). The one in the party besides Bastila that I really, really liked was Carth, a Republic soldier. I generally hate the soldier type, but Carth... I really, really liked him. Frankly, I liked all nine of the people in my party... in their own special ways, I suppose I actually love them all. It's nothing new; like I said, I've felt that a lot with characters in books and movies, especially the huge series that you get to know the characters so much that it's ridiculous (like Star Wars... there's got to be over a hundred books... literally... and I have almost all of them -_-;); but like I also said, they responded and liked the person I shaped my character to become, which was very much like my own personality, or at least I hope that's what I would have done if I really lived it. But... it... it's crazy... but at one point, it turns out your character was actually Revan, who used to be Malak’s master, the Sith Master, and led the Sith conquest of the galaxy, only don't remember because you almost died and your mind and memories and personality were mostly gone because of your near-death, but the Jedi don’t believe in killing prisoners --you barely survived--and the Jedi put a different personality in your mind that wasn’t so dark--completely different personality this time around Of course, your actions as you play the game control whether you fall back to the Dark Side in spite of what the Jedi tried to do--give you another chance to do things right this time around--or whether you take advantage of that chance to help stop the Sith and help all the people you come across. Now, you can talk to your party members about it individually for their reactions to who you used to be--and what Carth said is what really hit me. He said, "I've been trying to hate you--I really have. I've been trying to blame you for the destruction of my homeworld and the death of my wife and for my son getting lost so that I didn't hear of him for years, but I can't. You're a completely different person from who I imagined Revan to be. You've done so much to help us--you've been doing so many things right, that I just... can't. I can't blame you for any of that. I can't help but trust you, and I'm going to stick by your side through the rest of this mess. You're not Revan anymore--that's clear. You're Aliryn, not Revan. I'm with you 'til the end." (Or something like that.) I almost cried again T_T but out of being so touched. You see, you can go either to the light side or the dark side in this game; there are a thousand tiny things for you to say or do that shape which way you go. I used to like to think of myself as tough and independent and cynical of everyone, but as the game went on, I could never say really bad things to anyone, or refuse to help them--I couldn't help but give everyone everything I could. And that's why I love those people, I think; it's really me that they trusted and stayed by my side--not one person left when they found out about my past. One was a bit angry, but she had gone to the dark side for a bit herself, and came to view me as an inspiration--she said that she would always look to my example and know that she could resist the darkness. That, too, touched me. Some said "you're obviously not like that anymore. I'm okay with it," like it was nothing to them. One said he already knew (heh, that crazy old man, Jolee Bindo. The only funnier character in your party is that droid... G-something...) and didn't care; he joined me, even knowing the truth, wanting to see how my destiny played out and what choices I would make. One guy was like "the person you were bested my people in battle, and I have the utmost respect for you". I can't remember all of them, but the Wookie was like "I swore a life debt to Aliryn, and that's who I see before me. I will keep honoring that debt." Altogether, it was... exhilarating. I talked to them in order from those who were darker in personality toward lighter, and ended with Carth; I was getting more touched each time I spoke to someone, and by the time I heard Carth's speech, I really did almost cry. I did. I almost cried. Even though the character I played never would have done the things Revan did, had been controlling her from before the whole thing started, it didn't matter; I suppose everyone is vulnerable to the Dark Side, just like everyone kept telling me. It's the same in real life, you know. Anyone is capable of doing abominable things; it is one's strength of character that determines just how bad your slip-ups are. They said my character originally fell because I was too eager to learn too quickly--and that is very much something I might actually do. For real. When I'm not horribly depressed, I'm completely fascinated by so many things, even learning--depending on the topic, of course. (I could never get excited about politics or economics. XP) But if I was put in Jedi training, I'd be so eager... sheesh, listen to me. Maybe it’s insane to take a game so seriously, but one thing I believe very deeply is that you can learn from anything and everything. Even if it’s just to know what not to do. You know, what the characters told me means even more, because some of the people I know online (including some of you), who I've told some of the troubles in my life, insist that I'm not weak like I always thought I was--they said I seemed strong to put up with it all, even if I've done things like abandon my schoolwork, because I had so much to deal with in the first place--and then my shrink starts telling me the same thing. Especially today--I just got out of his office a few hours ago, and just as I was leaving, he was telling me how resilient I seemed to him. And strong, like I'd been told. And courageous. He even told me that he saw me as an inspiration--as, in a particular way, a hero. I almost fell through the floor. I decided to believe him, though, seeing as he wasn't the first to tell me I wasn't weak. Not that I've got a swelled head now; just because that in particular isn't one of my faults, I have plenty of others. But... it's... altogether, it's overwhelming; and, trust me, it's been a long, long time since I've been overwhelmed in a good way. Months, at least; very possibly years. I'm playing the game through again; I never beat the old one--I was having trouble with the boss; plus I didn't have the heart to continue the one with Bastila dead if I could do it again and have her turn back to the Light, like my brother said he did. (Speaking of my brother, the face he picked for his character is weird... it's totally against my personal tastes. Almost weirds me out in a not-good way. I could never make sense of my brother, though--well, he makes sense... but... his choices and reasons are all so different from the ones I have and make. Ugh...) But the whole game is so wonderful... my cousin got the second one for X-box, but I don't think that's out for computer. The first one isn't even out on GameCube. (Damn the video game companies and their prejudices against Nintendo.) But... I still love the first one. I'll probably play it through a thousand times before I get completely bored with it. Even though I'll still make the same decisions every time. Even though I'll still use the same face every time, simply because none of the others feel right. I follow my gut so much. If I do something that just doesn't feel right, it drives me crazy until I fix it. If I can. If I can't, I run away, or pretend it didn't happen. (Which is why I always thought I was weak. I always give in when it gets to be too much--but, like the shrink and others said, I suppose sometimes it really is too much, and giving in isn't weakness--it's surviving.) Eh... I'm so weird. I think it's because I'm crazy in too many ways. I'm crazy because of my mental disease; I'm crazy in the way the students in my high school were, in all its random glory; I'm crazy the way all of us fandom addicts are; I'm crazy the way I can't help but analyze every little thing I encounter philisophically, trying to make sense of it all according to my beliefs, even though such deep thought and introspection bring me a lot of emotional and spiritual pain... in short, if there is a way to be crazy, I'm probably it. So, even my brother is a *bit* crazy in the random and fandom aspects, and my mother somewhat crazy in the fandom and mental disease aspects, and my one friend is pretty crazy in the random and philisophical aspects, none of them completely understand me. It's rather sad, but I really don't mind. I've never met one person who understood me fully. I dream of meeting someone who does, someday; but I doubt that particular someday will never come, and that's something I can deal with without much trouble. The small tings, like the things some online friends and my shrink say, and the things the RPG characters say to me, are what make everything worth living. Besides my religion/philosophy. It's the way, even though so many things in both the real world and these made-up universes go so terribly wrong, and so many achingly evil things happen, there are still good things, things of light and hope and love, things that make it through the dark times and are never fully extinguished. Oh, and you want to know another thing in the game that made me feel wonderful? It was the second time I went through the game--I was in a lodge on Tatooine, and this slimy guy that absolutely gave me the creeps was hitting on me--and I must not have had Carth with me the first time, though I usually had him with me--but all of a sudden, out of nowhere--I didn't expect it at all--Carth explodes at the guy about keeping his teeth instead of getting them punched in if he didn't treat me with respect... I felt... I was awed is the only way to say it. Also full of incredible joy. No one has ever stood up for me in real life, you see--I've never been hit on, either (much), but I got teased a lot; and I don't know if other girls feel this, but I have this longing for a male protector in my life, something I never had in the most critical times of my life when it would have made me feel so much better, since my dad died. My older brother was never the kind of person to fill that role. It's kind of sad. Two of my best friends in high school were brother and sister, and I was always so touched how they looked out for each other. Whenever my brother and I were in the same school, he avoided me like the plague. But my friends would sit together in class or at lunch a lot, and talk to each other, and help them when they needed it. Suffice to say it was something I sorely missed. And before you wonder why I didn't have a boyfriend, I'll tell you--that is exactly why I didn't have one. That would have become to much of a burden to whoever-he-was, and completely unfair; I have some issues, and I refuse to lay them on someone else until and unless they are dealt with. But back to what Carth did--I had to pause the game for a few minutes after that conversation and just sit there... in silent awe and a deep joy... it was... amazing. I mean, I hardly ever feel emotions strongly enough to have a physical feeling accompany them; but a deep, electric thrill went through my whole body when he did that, and my heart jumped hard. It was... indescribable. I tell you, it was far more than worth all the trouble I had to go through tinkering with my computer's settings and hardware to make the game work. It has been a source of both horror and sorrow and love and joy and excitement and... so many things to me. It's been a long time since that has happened to me. I usually get something of that from books and movies and etc., but after I read or watch one particular thing so many times, the deep thrill doesn't course through me anymore, although I still definitely have such emotions still. Like The Lord of the Rings (book and movies), and Star Wars, and Inuyasha, and Fruits Basket, and even Legend of Zelda games, though they're less developed in the storyline area. There's just something about them all... I know what it is, too. It's 'that indescribable something' as C.S. Lewis wrote in his essay The Weight of Glory--the one writing that, in conjunction with all of the books I've read and movies I've watched and games I've played, changed my life. Altogether, it's why I live, why I get up in the morning, why I don't just give up on the entire universe. It's a wonderful thing.
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