Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Sham-existance 2
Sham-existance isn't very forgiving to the outsider. Staying out of the stream of ordinary, everyday conversations. Letting life pass by with closed mouths. People used to assume the worst if you didn't speak. But sham-existance made everyone hate the loners if they said a word. Those in the 'group' speak with their heads held high. Nobody listens. They just wait for their turn to speak. Everyone used to have intelligent conversations or they didn't speak at all. Life. Death. The world. Conversations going for hours over the things that really matter. Now it's nothing but: Food. Boyfriends. Girlfriends. Shopping. Friday nights. What are you doing? The world is going to Hell. And everyone wonders why.
I don't blame the people. Blame sham-existance. Slaves to politics. Economy. Government. Like nobody has a thought left in their heads. They follow the thoughts and beleifs of everyone else like they don't have their own. Trying to be like everybody else. No one wants to be diffrent. The wouldn't be in the 'group.' That word comes up alot in sham-existance. 'Group.' It's those people that site there. Stupid, meaningless conversations. Make-up. Clothes. These are things only the 'group' cares about. You have to actually listen to the conversations to be part of the 'group.' To fit in. Being like everyone else.
It's only now that they're slaves to sham-existance.
And then....someone becomes free. A loner. Seperated from the 'group' and sham-existance. They are the closed-mouthed people. Refusing to step back into the stream of 'ordinary' life.
Are you free?
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Sham-existance
So I was sitting in my class today..watching everyone, and I suddenly remembered and realized the truth of something I'd read in the last book I read. (Walk on the Darkside.) I hadn't really understood what the writer had meant by sham-existance until I thought about it and then watched these people in my class, talking and stuff. I wrote some sort of little thing about it. I don't think I can call it poetry. It doesn't rhyme or anything like that. But I found it..interesting. I read it a few times, suprised by the words I'd written down. Like I hadn't written them myself. I don't have time to type it now. (Kinda long, and don't have more than 5 minutes.) I'll post it later today. But this is just a little description for it. Heh..mabey if you see this, you'll come back later just to read my little philosophy about life. Or..sham-existance.
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Saturday, May 14, 2005

Yeah...
Hey..yeah..it's been awhile. Din't really come to my site anymore unless it's to check on my walls and..stuff. so uh...stopped working on my walls so rapidly. Lost my paint shop and kinda haven't made any in awhile since I don't have it. I'll probably get another one soon but for now..no. I started on working on my photography and drawing and stuff. I also started getting this idea to make a flash video in my head so it'll be very time consuming and..yeah. I'm gonna get my brother to help me with it.(Vocals, animating) though I will be doing all the drawing. But I have to wait for that because I'm broke and I have to wait to get my little drawing thingy since drawing with a mouse is just about impossible. For me anyways. So yeah. i'll probably putting it on here when I'm done with it. It might be sometime later this year. (Brother said he wouldn't help if it was in the summer, but i'll probably be working on all the drawings during that time anyways.) I'll be giving out the url to where I'm posting it and all that good stuff...
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Tuesday, April 5, 2005

Finally
So I just finished moving to Colorado and all that hoop-lah.It kinda sucked,my back is killing me from all the lifting,but I made $100 from it,so it wasn't a total loss.I also just shoved on there a new background,Kenshin of course,and a new music video,Bodies-Drowning Pool.Pretty cool,eh?lol.I have to start up school and junk again sometime this week,but-kicks back all relaxed-like-Me and my brother have this whole house to ourselves all day tomorow,so very awesome.And only one last thing I can think of,and that is:The new wallpaper previews SUCK.They are so tiny,I can't even read most of my walls.Curses >.>
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Monday, March 28, 2005

Okay
Moved already and getting ready for another.I moved with my dad and now we're moving to Colorado.Amazingly,this all wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.Pretty much stayed emotionless....heh,kinda makes me sound heartless but yes.With my brother and dad now,pretty cool.So tired though..and sick,and next I gotta help them move...sheesh I need a break.Ive been lugging around my skateboard and heavy backpack around an airport all day.(mostely because I missed my first flight and spent 3 hours waiting for teh next..grrr,I hate flying)
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Sunday, March 20, 2005

Awesome
So,went to gamestop and got a bunch of games yesterday.I also found out that if we do move,it'll be sometime this week,and if we don't,that's it,we aren't moving at all.Kinda cool,kinda not.Whatever happens though,I am moving.If not with my mother,then with my dad.So,Colorado or...somewhere someplace...I dunno.Also gotta find a bookstore to get those books that Lestat was talking about,which porbably won't happen soon,so it really sucks.
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Thursday, March 17, 2005

Poem
Here's something I found that I had written in the hospital.Just wanted to see what everyone though,I really don't do this often:

I've been trying to survive for so long
Just trying to hold on
To a lie they put inside my mind
Living so long and running blind
Listening to all these lies
While deep inside I slowly die
But I always manage to put this out of my head
Hardly realzing that inside I'm dead
Getting yelled at every day
Taking it angrily as I waste away
Temper is rising,but still the harsh screams
Realizing I can't be redeemed
Cutting and slashing my own lifeless arm
Deeper and deeper,how does this do me harm?
Caught and thrown to this mental institue
I had the gun,then tried to shoot
Shot after shot,I become paralyzed
And lying there I realized
How badly I had lost control
How buried deep inside my soul,
The life I'd earned with my will to live,
The life I earned is now the life I give.


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Wow..
Okay,so when I woke up this morning,I realized,'Today is the day.'I almost collapsed when I stood up,knowing I had to face everyone.I'd have to face my friends at school and suddenly tell them:'This is the last time you'll see me.'So when got to schoolI looked around and went to class.I realized how much I'd tooken these friends of mine for granted,even Cameron who is constantly onto me about not bringing Dr Pepper for him.So,I pretty much didn't have the heart to tell these people,but I went thorugh the day,treating everyone VERY nice,and hating to say goodbye.I left one last note explaining everything,and left it on a desk.(It's a private school,a share a desk with the two other people in my grade.)But when I got home,I got faced with 'We aren't leaving yet.' Plus,when we go,my mother's car has a warrent,so if anyone checks out license plate,we're screwed,and I have to deal with my mother and step-dad's fighting one more day,and I have to deal with my step-dad's crap,one more day while I skip school so I don't have to face them and have another day to blurt out 'Goodbye' to everyone.
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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Finished
Just finished reading...The Tale of the Body Thief,and Memnoch the Devil.Really cool,I recommend them...And,my mother is thinking about moving..again..so I'll be wth my old friends and stuff in a matter of days if it goes through.

For the past..neh,2 days?I've been with my step-dad's friend,hiding from some drunk guy,and it was so tiring.I didn't get to bring my board,or my ps2,so it sucked.But the second night,the spring-breakers came with my friend Sharon and we sat playing Texas hold em' for cnady corns.And of course I won everything.Eeryone stopped playing after that though...lol.

And lastly,I'm still grounded.Shh,no one is here.But I managed to get most of the wall requests in.The Sasuke one is going to have to be a little harder worked on,since I have a few other of him already.
Later.
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Friday, March 11, 2005

Sorry
Anyone who made a request,I'm NOT ignoring you,I got grounded.I'm at a friend's and can't do it right now,but in a week at most,I'll be able to fill all of them.I promise.
Later.
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