Thursday, January 26, 2006

   Sometimes I have to wonder...
I got off work today and when I got home I relized there was nothing to do.

Well, yes I know there was stuff to do. For example: chores I've been putting, finally unpacking the last of my stuff from the move, or even watching some of the anime episodes that I've been putting off but none of it appealed to me.

I felt empty.

I've noticed that this happens when I finish something important or have just had a lot of excitement and then return to the normalacy of my oh so boring life. I'm sure it is a reaction that a lot people experience but it always throws me off.

When I try and step back and look at my own life I realize that I fall into patterns of behavior like most people but when I fall out of the pattern or try and break out of the pattern I can't adjust. I either fall back into the same old patterns or something even worse.

It makes me wonder what goes on inside of my head.

When I say I hold conversations with myself don't think that I'm exagerating. I will, out loud, discuss the different possibilities and then ramifications of whatever it is I might do. I'll argue with myself and then berate myself when I make the worse of the possible decisions. I suppose I had probably already made up my mind before I started my conversation with myself. Maybe I do it to help soothe my conscience when I do something that I know I shouldn't like call into work or buy that random item instead of paying bills. Why bother? I can't say I don't know why because the answer lies within me somewhere; all the answers for the things I do are hidden inside, somewere...

Maybe with a map I can find myself.