Saturday, February 5, 2005

Inspirational Incongruity
awaken me from this nightmare
a chance to relive my mistakes
in painful reality i surrender
out of anger flies tranquility

screaming lights make eyes cry
distorted sounds make ears bleed
warped senses make bodies collapse
a head trip to watch out for

incongruity shapes the world
nothing fits, everything unique
timeless counts of configuration
lifeless times of misunderstanding

manipulation of world knowledges
i hate the imperfection
seemingly scheming doubts
gnawing away at spinal thoughts

jargon jarring the minds
of trained analytics, placed
to throw the pragmatical sense
this cryptic rhymless rythem

inspiration contained
creativity suppressed
depression runs free
optimism asks a question

if to remain morbid
to be called depressing
or to smile and suffer
to be overlooked, with disinterest

life runs a crooked course
with no map to guide
till the end is reached
no one can know where they go

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Saturday, December 25, 2004

   Good God it's been a long time.
well i'm back for now. I left because i am really busy with school and work that all my free time was used for guitar practice, but now that I'm on christmas break i have more free time so i hope to put up some more fan art and more poetry.

l8ter...
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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Emotional Disbelief
My heart was stolen by a beautiful woman and now that my heart is gone I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown that will leave me stranded in a shroud of darkness until it is returned. just as the sparkle was taken from the star's my emotions disappate until my ways have changed for good and you will never see the real me ever again.
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Sunday, September 26, 2004

I have been asked a million times if I would go out with others but I say "No" they always tempt me with the one thing most men would want. They tempt me with it day in and day out and I turn them all down for you, I don't know how you truely feel for me your emotions tell me that you love me but you cannot say the words yourself. I really need to think about this. I don't want to pressure you into saying them but I need to know how you truely feel, but alas I will stay confined in the walls of my mind and never come out until you say those words. I have turned down hundreds of women for you in this short amount of time and I don't want what every guy wants, I don't want that I want a healthy relationship and yes one day I do want to make love to you but not now... I need to wait, we need to wait, I am not ready... not again. You make me so happy, I will see you before the summer ends, I will tell you everything right in font of you. You don't live far away I just need to see your face again, and kiss your lips again. I need to feel your skin, I need to feel your love, I need to feel your breath on my neck, I need to hold your hand again.
I have felt a small portion of your love and I need more... I need more of your love, it is like a holy grail, all its contents are sacred and never been touched by anyone else other then me... I treasure it immensely as if it were your life. I will do everything in my power to protect it and I will make sure no one else has it, I can never love again if I cannot have you, I cannot love again if you do not go out with me... I need you so much... I need you and if I cannot have you that would hurt me worse then burning in hell for eternity. I need to drink from the grail once every month or I become very weak, and slowly loose all hope for our love. One sip is just one kiss... that is all I need to keep the candle lit. I need to keep the candle lit... I need it lit or else I will become cold. I heard you say you needed me... that re-kindled the dieing flame... I heard you say a lot of things about me, all good, and I could not help but keep a smile on my face. I love you.

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The feelings I have for you are never going away I still love and care for you. No matter what happens I will always feel for you, and writing is the only way of expressing myself, and my love for you. No one understands what I am writing, they read it and think they understand it. Truely only those who have lost what they love can understand my feelings toward you.
And in some instances if they are in love and have done what I have done... they might understand and you know this more then anyone. I wish I could tell them strait up to their faces to quit making me remember... they think they are just words and they aren't my memories for you are so distant, I want to forget the pain... the broken glass... the blood. They strive for more, for their own personal gain. They need more of my poetry but it is more then that... it explains me.
They say they don't know anything about me... and you know that is wrong. My poetry, my character, my stories. All of which has my history in it, stories just switch the names and take out the demons... and angels and they would see it was me. I don't know how much more I can take I can only see blood now, white is now dark pink, yellow is orange, a light red is a dark red now. The pain, the blood, it never ends... I need more guidance... but it is getting harder... I need her more at this point... she hasn't actually said the words I want to hear. I need her to say it... then I can be happy.
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I dream of her at night, and think of her the rest of the day. I dream of kissing her softly and hoping in that moment our problems would all go away. All the things I did or the things that happened to her. I have talked to her when she cried, soft cries because she didn't want me to know. I will always be here for her and she is slowly warming up from the cold, the cold that it lonely-ness. She is slowly returning to her semi-normal life, and returning the sancticity we know as 'happiness' and everyone takes it as if everyone has happiness. They all think everyone has happiness but that is not the case... she has a form of it, but she has led a hard life, and I don't know if she will ever be 'fine' but I will help her. I am in love with this girl... and her name is...

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I can never replace you but... I feel love for someone else. I don't know how to say it... I had been wanting to tell her for so long and we joke around when we say it like a friendship way but... I really mean it. I called her last night, it was late, and I needed to tell her how I felt. I could hardly speak when I heard her voice. I wanted to tell her everything right in that instant but I couldn't. I was sick of being alone, sick of the lonely-ness. I didn't want that anymore. I was sick of being unloved, and not cared for, I just needed her to love me. I started to cry as I remembered those years alone, without you. I needed someone, but not just anyone I needed someone I loved. I would give her anything in the world... she could have my heart and... even if she wanted she could have Ryo.
I told her how much I loved her that I didn't want to lead a life without her. And we know that some people would say "Ryo doesn't exist" well to me he does and when I thought of giving him up I started to cry once more... he has helped me through thick and thin and made me who I am today and I don't know how to thank him. I don't know how to go on without him unless I am with her. My body was numb from the neck down and I don't know how to explain it. I couldn't move as I was spilling out my heart and my love and emotions. I need her so much and I really need to be with her... I really do.
I told her everything, how I couldn't be with anyone else but her, couldn't love anyone else but her, couldn't do anything without her. She is the most beautiful... most radiant woman I know. I really don't know how to express my feelings. I love her... and my heart will be hers from now on... I thank you for helping me through this. I needed you and you were there... I love you and thank you for leading her to me.

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Life and death are one in the same. If one dies another is born into this world. If one is born one dies. Everything ends in death. Love ends in death, friendship ends in death, and most of all, life ends in death. There is no way to stop this process, the circle of life. It begins with life, goes into love, then the love fades away, slowly the two or more begin to die. A slow painful death, it would be like injecting acid into your vain and letting it burn through your skin. It is a painful process, and the one who loves you the most will wish you were still alive.
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It had been years since I felt emotions, I thought of you every day, every night, I longed for your kiss, your hand. I wanted you to hold me, I didn't want you to go away people tell me to move on... but I can't. I didn't want to let you go, I didn't want to let you out of my heart. I tried going out with other people but you were on my mind and you would not escape it. I had finally found someone else and she made me happy... but you were on my mind I wanted to hold her like I did you. My heart was slowly lifting out of the darkness, I was beggining to feel a sense of happiness. I have gotten more friends, and lost friends... but the ones who are my friends... I value as much as my love for you. I will let you know. Right here and now. I love you, and will never let you go. I wish I could give you one last kiss, but now I must say it, goodbye.
Quote: "Goodbye is said when you will never see them again... this is more like, 'See you later'" ~ ???
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My heart was slowly sinking into darkness with this burden on my soul. Feeling that it was my fault, that I could have saved her. How is it I could feel this way to myself when all I gave her was love. All I wanted to give her was my heart... she had it but I was thinking that it was my fault. I was slowly turning into a demon, my soul was slowly sinking into submission, I couldn't handle it anymore. I was beggining to snap. I was saying to myself, "It was my fault." Repeatedly going through my head. I could not get that out of my head, no matter how many times people say "It isn't your fault" I could only hear the opposite. My soul was now dark, never to return the the emotional state that it use to be around you.
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