Wednesday, August 3, 2005

My god, I wish they'd die already...
My parents are goddamn stiffs that won't let me do anything I would like to do. They always answer no before I even get the chance to ask, because they know what I want. Is it too much to ask to get online to talk to my friends? To post my art online so other people can see and comment on my work? It's what drives me to keep going. Without those people, I feel like I'm a thought. There for one second, and gone the next. As if I never really existed. Is it too much to ask for some recognition? Some respect from my parents? It must be. They don't trust me at all. They won't even let me go outside on the front porch if no one is home, or if my mom is asleep. I had to post my art in secret online because I knew my mom wouldn't let me from the beginning.
It hurts to know that they don't even like it anyway. My mom hates my artwork (as she calls is 'jap-crap'), and my dad's not even interested; the only thing he's interested in is my writing, but what I write, he wouldn't like anyway. One of these days, I'm just going to move out. Unannounced, and I'm not telling them where to. When, in fact, I'll hopefully be able to move into my fanboy's house. That is, if we're still friends and he'll let me. Who knows by then... Maybe I won't even be drawing anymore, maybe I'll just be another worker in the world, or maybe... I just won't be here at all. Sometimes that's how I feel. Invisible. Half the time no one notices me anyway. Take Monday for example. The whole family was home except for my dad, and when he got home, we were all sitting on the couch in the family room, and he goes to kiss my mom, says hello to my sister... And then leaves to change without so much as a hello to me. Half the time, my sister comes home and doesn't even aknowledge my presence, even when I'm standing in front of her.
I must say, my mom's the worst. She didn't even care that I got into the student art show in my Freshman year. I didn't even get to go see it up with everyone elses stuff. No one would take me. The day I finally broke down about it, I was at my cousin's house two days before his wedding. I went down into his basement where no one was and cried until we left the party... Five hours later. That's right, no one even noticed I was gone. Well, my cousin-in-law's best friend Becky noticed. She and my cousin Sara are the only ones who really pay attention to me at all in this family. My grandma plays favorites and loves the older children like my sister and cousins more than me. The only thing she wants me around for is so that I'll go fetch for her. She tries to buy my love with money. Truth be told, sometimes, all I want is to hug someone who cares.
Another thing, my room is right next to my parents. One night last summer I woke up screaming bloody-murder in pain. For what, I don't know. It was some sharp pain in my side and I felt like I had been stabbed or something, but I wasn't. The sad thing is, no one even woke up. I could've died that night and no one would have noticed until the next morning... Maybe not even until the next night. That kind of thought scares me. What if I did die? I'd be letting all the people I promised things to down. I'd be letting down Kevin, and we'd never meet. I'd be letting down Darian, and I'll never get to meet him and see him smile at something I drew for him. I'd be letting Austin down... For just being stupid and dying. And I'd be letting all my friends at home down. My friends are the closest thing I have to family anymore. Online or at home. They love what I do, which makes me feel important. Sure, some of them are better at drawing than I am, but I realized it's just because they have a different style than I do.
My dad's also an alcoholic... And he won't admit to it. That makes things worse at night. When he gets home, the first thing he heads for after he's done getting dressed into his comfy clothes, is the booze. Sure, a drink of wine is okay, but when he gets out a whole bottle every night, or when he downs half a bottle of Gin and Tonic, it gets to me. He scares me so much when he does that, I don't even eat dinner. I go into my room and hide. That's when I do most of my drawing actually. Late at night, when everyone's asleep, I'll go into the kitchen and get something to tie me over for the night. The last time I was around when my dad was really drunk, he actually chased me around, yelling at me, for some stupid thing. The stupid thing you ask...? Leaving an empty can of dog food on the kitchen counter because he was in the way of the garbage can under the sink. I was scared to death. That, and my mom scares me too. She spanks me. She yells at me. There are times when I just move my whole room around so I can hide in cleverly hidden nooks. Most of the time, it's on the other side of my bed when it's not pushed against a wall, and sometimes it's in my closet.
I know a lot of this seems like nothing but a mindless rant, but the truth is... I just want away. To go somewhere that the least I can get when I'm sad is a hug. You see, right now, as I'm typing this, I'm crying. It's not like I can go and get a hug from anyone at 11:11 pm when everyone is at work or asleep. When this happens, all I do is cry and keep it bottled up, so the next time it happens, it's worse, and I keep it inside too. So, sorry if I wasted your time by writing this. I just needed to place it somewhere out of my head and away from my parents, and this happened to be a place. I'm sure I'll put it one more place too, but maybe I'll just stop. I don't know. I just need to go for a while...
~Sadie

Sorry about having a rant the same night scan your birthday stuff Logan, even if I can't post it yet, I'm getting kicked off by them... I'm really sorry. The only thing that even made me smile today was drawing them and thinking about how happy you'll be when I post them.
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