Saturday, January 14, 2006

   Story Of The Unfallen:
"NO!" a word of despair, whispered but meant to halt any who hears. But like usual my words went unheard and unbidden... and he jumps. Darkness, a black hole that lasts forever slowly fades from its black intense void into a grey foggyness, like shadows from a candle flame obstructed my sight. Finally my eyes returned into a picture of vivid color and merciless reality.
Sirens, a screaching melody to my sensless ears. A prologue to what I knew would perhaps be the most profound change in my life ever. 'He's dead, I think, and deep down in my gut where all my feelings seem to circulate, I feel as I were the one to jump. But I keep of falling no end to my pain, my heart feels as if it will give out but it doesn't. It lets me live with my pain as if I deserved it, as if I was the one who pushed him over the edge.
I stare down at the wet gas leak from my car, my hair streamed the car fluid but I didn't care. 'He's gone, he's never coming back. NEVER.' Tears leaked unbidden down my face. Adding to the deep, shimering puddle that seemed to hold no color, but as my tears were added to the mixture, the puddle took on a whole new life. Swirling and spinning, what was only mine seconds before became one with the murkiness, and it created color, everycolor imaginable. When mixing too ordinary probable things together you form something so beautiful , you have want to tear your heart from yourself and offer it a gift of thanks. All I could think of was him, the concoction I had accidentally created was his, his eye color, it was EXACTLY like his. "Oh Tristin."

2 months Later:

'At first a shock had come over me, I found it unbearable to see anyone, most of all myself, for I was the one he thought most beautiful. How can I think of myself now anyway. It is not worth pulling myself into the cold open reality. After time i found it easier to awkwardly glance at a passerby, just to glean the knowledge that someone else existed too. That they lived and shared in their own amoutn of pain from time to time. How? I ask myself could I heal? When all that had held me in check, was the emgrace of Tristin. Oh that name, that name, it only it were forgotten and I lost in the blackness I was when I had first lost him. NO, No, I can't lose myself now that he is gone, he would not have allowed it. Therefore I will not allow it either.
After those unfamiliar glances, I grew in confindence of myself and its control. But I would still not risk forming anyclose relationships, with anyone, of any gender, so as not to create any danger towards this new found grip.'

After 2 months:

Walking into the Auditorium, I felt all gazes focus upon me. Although I had done nothing to directly call attention to myself, I was still known to be his girlfriend and now that he was dead they didn't know where to place me. We had been highschool sweethearts since 9th grade. Up untill now I had been classfied as untouchable territory. Everyone believed they knew the truth of what had happened last year. Some presumed I had pushed him, others imagined that he had only tripped, not one could even concieve the thought that maybe perhaps he had jumped because he had everything going for him, he had had everything going for him. He had already been accepte into West Point, he was the star for both our basketball and track teams. His family was rich and everyone liked him. The only flaw anyone would say he had was the mistake of choosing me. I knew he jumped, first of all I was there, and I had looked into his eyes before he turned his back to my and took that fatal leap that would have been perfect if only it were on the track field. His eyes just like the gas I found myself in after I had torn myself from that dream world. Ever changing, it had the ability to gather every color and image within a second a freeze it- turning it into an emotion, and at that moment, the intensity jof his eyes felt like an inflaming inferno, the heat so acute it felt as if there was a blow torch being taken to my face. First the iceyness of the cells going into shock and then the unbearable pain of going through hell. It was as if he was trying to memorize my face, every curve and contour, trying to memorize it before he ran out of time.
the stares of my classmates were almost more intolerable than the agony of Tristin's sweeping gaze. I continued down the aisle after breifly hesitating to glance at the unwelcome stares. For I had developed coldness for anyone who thought they knew what had happened, and offer their sympathies. But they didn't give a f*** either way or another. I looked for the people who had called themselves my friends. ut they were either not there or they were deliberately ignoring me. My resolve grew and I strode purposefully and confidentially to the back of the auditorium. Al the while thinking, 'up yours too.' and took the most remote seat possible; next to the slackers-aka; headbangers, druggies, and just plain weirdos. I would never have been able to bear the humiliation last year, when everything was different. Sitting, staring out at nothing during orientation was definitely the easiest part of the day.

TO BE CONTINUED:
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Friday, November 11, 2005

   Story Of The Unfallen (2)
STORY OF THE UNFALLEN: continued

All throughout the day, I was disoriented and unfocused; my thoughts could not rest on any one thing. Anything the teachers warned us about, like, what we would be learning about this quarter or what the expectations would be for each homework assignment or project given. My mind would not register any fact; everything went through one ear and out the other, and slowly I fell into a dream state.

Flashback:

"Tristan...?" I turn my head to look up at him.

"Hmmm...?" He replies

My curiosity overcoming me I asked, "Why do you like to run?" He chuckles but then immediately becomes serious

"Why do we like to eat, sleep... and why do we like to dream?" I could think of a million answers that applied to these but only one.

"Because we need them to live healthy and happy!" I dont know why I said this but I sounded like a little six-year-old girl who had just been told that she could get some candy at the gas station.

"Exactly," he agrees. "I need the beat of my heart and feet to tie together in a perfect rhythm, like two famous songwriters composing their own special melody." He hesitates as if he wasn't sure how to put into words what he felt.

"I need the harshness of my breath as it labors to sustain my life, reminding me that our paths arent always easy, and the terrain under my foot reminds me that life isn't always defined... A simple run can make you the wisest person on Earth- teach you things you sometimes can't describe in words," he hesitates yet again and turns his gaze towards the heavens. "The run is the closest thing I have to achieving flight, the possibility that I could fly without manmade mechanical wings has continued to sustain my curiosity for years... it still does... For now anyway..."

My mind was pulled from its remembrance by the combination of both the shrill echo of the school alarm and the voices I had once considered familiar and friendly. When I look back I remember Tristans voice repeated the same phrase over and over a chanting rhythm. 'The possibility that I could fly, I could fly, I could fly.' The ripple and soothing calamity of his voice faded from my immediate memory as if I really was in a cavern, and he had actually spoken right then and there. However, his words brought back that fateful leap that had lead to his death and my depression. I don't know how exactly or even why it happened, but I felt like screaming because these people were interrupting the only time I had with Tristan, the only time I would EVER have with him. It didnt matter that this was only a flashback it FEELS like real life. In fact, that is all my life has felt like since he died... in a dream. In between the stress of complete disappointment and heart retching pain I had let these cries loose for all to hear. The only thing is I didnt know that I was screaming for real, that is until I opened my eyes and looked around. Everyone was staring, astonished. I bet if I had not been the one in the situation at that exact moment I would have laughed. Loud and clear not caring if anyone heard. I would find the insensitivity of everyone around me laughable.

Although I had been cold and untouchable when concerned with emotions, it was like now I had cracked and I was letting everyone see it. Not like all of those other times, when I was by myself, fresh from the shock of losing Tristan. Life had begun to get normal, and then I loose control of myself and jump down into a hole, where everyone can look at me and laugh. But in the end who really cares about what everyone else thinks of themselves? This is all I thought for the rest of the day; because I was not so consumed in my own grievances. I could see that the easiest way to survive was to just become completely numb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All throughout the day I thought about my thesis on how to live. I decided that I WOULD become numb. After all I had only been happy these last years because I was with Tristan. The only question I had was.. how to become numb? My first thought to myself was. 'First I need to challenge my boundaries. If I am able to do that then I will be able to withstand the pressure others put on me.'

Ever since 'The incedent' I have lived by myself. I had decided I was not capable of living with anyone else. That I didn't have the strength. So I guess I would have to challenge my boundaries that have kept me safe thus far, by finding someone to live with.

'What would I do if I was looking for a roommate?' I ask myself. 'I would post in the papers.' Making a detour to the nearest HESS I by a paper for $.50. While walking home on the highway,I don't have a car for some reason.) I look through the possible choices of roomies.

My luck I would have to say was on the worse side, but if you were looking for a perfect NICE roomate they would have been perfect. However, as a semi-truck passed by I saw the most perfect roomie that would suit my purpose. The person in the caption was male, my age, and by all retrospective, arrogant. He was perfect. Unfortunately, for my poor feet the paper was ripped from my hands by a rush of air that had been caused by the truck. I watched dumbstruck as the paper cartwheeled in the traffic. It was clear that I would not be getting it back. It was also clear that that guy was perfect. He had ALREADY caused me pain, and I hadn't even met him yet. 'Oh well, I will just have to back track back to HESS.'

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Friday, November 4, 2005

   About Me: PROFILE
Hmmmm... I guess I should tell you more about myself; starting with physical features:

hair: Mahogony, layered.
eyes: blue
height: 5'3
weight: 110 lbs

CLOTHES:

- usually something comfortable, but I love to add layers and layers of clothing to acquire that artistic look.

ENJOY:

- I enjoy reading:
--- Manga- almost any genre
--- novels- fantasy and sci fi.
--- stories on www.Quizilla.com

SPORTS:

- field hockey- I always get hit in the face though.

- snowboarding- speed is the way to go.

- hiking or rock climbing- set me on a trail and I will finish first.

Free Time:
-both sports and reading relate to this topic but I also enjoy writing, drawing, watching movies, taking quizes on quizilla, and playing the drums and guitar. (Im getting a new electric guitar for x-mas I can't wait).

hopefully that fills in any questions you have for me but if you have any more questions or your just interested in sharing your thoughts on certain topic then just message me.






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Tuesday, November 1, 2005

   I WILL update soon
Sorry about not updating but I promise I will soon!
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Saturday, October 29, 2005

  


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