Saturday, January 14, 2006

   Story Of The Unfallen:
"NO!" a word of despair, whispered but meant to halt any who hears. But like usual my words went unheard and unbidden... and he jumps. Darkness, a black hole that lasts forever slowly fades from its black intense void into a grey foggyness, like shadows from a candle flame obstructed my sight. Finally my eyes returned into a picture of vivid color and merciless reality.
Sirens, a screaching melody to my sensless ears. A prologue to what I knew would perhaps be the most profound change in my life ever. 'He's dead, I think, and deep down in my gut where all my feelings seem to circulate, I feel as I were the one to jump. But I keep of falling no end to my pain, my heart feels as if it will give out but it doesn't. It lets me live with my pain as if I deserved it, as if I was the one who pushed him over the edge.
I stare down at the wet gas leak from my car, my hair streamed the car fluid but I didn't care. 'He's gone, he's never coming back. NEVER.' Tears leaked unbidden down my face. Adding to the deep, shimering puddle that seemed to hold no color, but as my tears were added to the mixture, the puddle took on a whole new life. Swirling and spinning, what was only mine seconds before became one with the murkiness, and it created color, everycolor imaginable. When mixing too ordinary probable things together you form something so beautiful , you have want to tear your heart from yourself and offer it a gift of thanks. All I could think of was him, the concoction I had accidentally created was his, his eye color, it was EXACTLY like his. "Oh Tristin."

2 months Later:

'At first a shock had come over me, I found it unbearable to see anyone, most of all myself, for I was the one he thought most beautiful. How can I think of myself now anyway. It is not worth pulling myself into the cold open reality. After time i found it easier to awkwardly glance at a passerby, just to glean the knowledge that someone else existed too. That they lived and shared in their own amoutn of pain from time to time. How? I ask myself could I heal? When all that had held me in check, was the emgrace of Tristin. Oh that name, that name, it only it were forgotten and I lost in the blackness I was when I had first lost him. NO, No, I can't lose myself now that he is gone, he would not have allowed it. Therefore I will not allow it either.
After those unfamiliar glances, I grew in confindence of myself and its control. But I would still not risk forming anyclose relationships, with anyone, of any gender, so as not to create any danger towards this new found grip.'

After 2 months:

Walking into the Auditorium, I felt all gazes focus upon me. Although I had done nothing to directly call attention to myself, I was still known to be his girlfriend and now that he was dead they didn't know where to place me. We had been highschool sweethearts since 9th grade. Up untill now I had been classfied as untouchable territory. Everyone believed they knew the truth of what had happened last year. Some presumed I had pushed him, others imagined that he had only tripped, not one could even concieve the thought that maybe perhaps he had jumped because he had everything going for him, he had had everything going for him. He had already been accepte into West Point, he was the star for both our basketball and track teams. His family was rich and everyone liked him. The only flaw anyone would say he had was the mistake of choosing me. I knew he jumped, first of all I was there, and I had looked into his eyes before he turned his back to my and took that fatal leap that would have been perfect if only it were on the track field. His eyes just like the gas I found myself in after I had torn myself from that dream world. Ever changing, it had the ability to gather every color and image within a second a freeze it- turning it into an emotion, and at that moment, the intensity jof his eyes felt like an inflaming inferno, the heat so acute it felt as if there was a blow torch being taken to my face. First the iceyness of the cells going into shock and then the unbearable pain of going through hell. It was as if he was trying to memorize my face, every curve and contour, trying to memorize it before he ran out of time.
the stares of my classmates were almost more intolerable than the agony of Tristin's sweeping gaze. I continued down the aisle after breifly hesitating to glance at the unwelcome stares. For I had developed coldness for anyone who thought they knew what had happened, and offer their sympathies. But they didn't give a f*** either way or another. I looked for the people who had called themselves my friends. ut they were either not there or they were deliberately ignoring me. My resolve grew and I strode purposefully and confidentially to the back of the auditorium. Al the while thinking, 'up yours too.' and took the most remote seat possible; next to the slackers-aka; headbangers, druggies, and just plain weirdos. I would never have been able to bear the humiliation last year, when everything was different. Sitting, staring out at nothing during orientation was definitely the easiest part of the day.

TO BE CONTINUED:
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