Wednesday, January 9, 2013

feeling quite full of life today :) frank is starting to get off my ass, which is nice, david is a good friend as he always has been, Oleg and I barely speak to eachother, which I think is a very good thing, and helping me truly just let go. I am single and alone and loving it. My crush on Miguel is only getting worse by the day, and better by the day. I refuse to take this quickly, or lightly. This one is different. If I take this jump, Im in for the long run, Im in to fight. But im not ready to make those decisions yet, and for once, this is a guy that doesn't ask me to hurry up and figure it out. He seems to be quite content as I with taking things very slowly. He has only ever kissed me, and although that is sooooo different than the regular realtionships I have had for quite a few years now, I think that may be the only way to give it a real chance. I have always jumped right into relationships, jumped into bed right away, fallen wayy too quickly, and it had never ended well. Not once. This is my chance to break this bullshit cycle that I have formed in my life, and I think Miguel is the right guy to change it for. I have cheated on a boy before, while I was unhappy, and felt stuck in a relationship. But I can't see ever cheating on Miguel. He and I are getting to be so close as friends, that the idea of betraying him makes me want to throw up. I am not even dating him yet, He could be kissing or sleeping with five girls on side of kissing me, and he has every right. who knows, but the point is, that even though we are not dating, I still dont want to kiss any other man. It feels like if i did, I would be cheating on myself, my own true feelings in my heart.
Eric came over about a week ago, to talk. I broke off our little "relationship" before christmas, told him that having a playmate made me feel cheap, and worthless. And he wanted to talk, so came into the city and we did just that. He told me that I am the one for him, he doesnt want anyone else, he loves me unconditionally, and that he doesnt think he could ever get this feeling for any other woman... He is so strong and doesnt show emotion, and I did not like seeing him cry like that....I know that what we had was big, I was ready to marry the guy, but that was a long time ago, and we long since have grown apart. We want different things, we dont really fit anymore. And I told him so. He said he would still like to be friends, but also told me that his new years resolution was to do whatever he could to gain my trust again. He wont let up wanting me back. It really bothers me, and has stopped me from hanging out with him, even just as friends. It breaks my heart to see him so lonely. I think if he only gavee another girl a chance, he could finally let go. He is going to have to, because I am not walking backwards. Fuck, Im not even looking backwards!
This situation with Miguel worries me alot, as he is Davids friend. And we work together, and we are neighbors, and he is my best friends cousin. Ugg there are so many reasons that it would be a good idea to stay away from eachother. But then I would be lying to myself... and I really am not sure if any of these reasons are good enough to keep me away from him. He really does have a fantastic special way about him that makes me smile soo big :) I truly hope that this is real, and I am soo down to find out, to take the proper time to get to know him, to let my heart not only completely clear itself out beforehand, let go of all hardships of the past few years, and start off on a clean slate. I am soo excited about all of the things, the feelings and excitement I want to find out with him, but I am controlling my usual first reaction and just trying to be myself, and take it as slow as my heart truly needs, while controlling my libido. I think, maybe, I might be growing up a little :) And if this is truly on its way to being real love, then the man will wait for me :) And for the first time in my life, I will have a special, romantic, nerve racking, first time. It's not gonna be a drunken romp, or an unexpected surprise that went to far. I want more than anything for this to be special, and like in a few monthes, or more. Not like tomorow or next week. Positive thinking, and much strength :)
Comments (0) | Permalink

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Am feeling sorta lonely today... Feeling more and more disconnected with Oleg, as we dont really talk...I miss him, and it makes me sad that I am without him, but I dont really know what to do. I hope he receives his christmas present soon. He has not yet, and i really wanted him to receive it before christmas. I am trying to keep my hopes up in this respect.
Things with Eric are going fairly well. he is still my playmate, and a fantastic cuddler and i love to sleep next to him, but there are still no butterflies....
I am a little worried aabout an old man at work, in a position of power over me. he helped me get ahead in this job, helped me get a permanent position. and although i had the idea that he was a dirty old man, because of him jokes and the vular way he talked, it still does not compare to what was made obvious to me yesterday. he wants me. he wants a fling. he said it, out right. no matter that he is married, and we work together, and he has children that are too old for me to date. it really bothers me to be reduced to object yet again. i was thinking, oh yeah, this nice, somewhat high strung and dirty, but lovable old man with a good heart, wanted to help me get on the right track and get me a career. fucking bull shit like what the fuck is there not even one fucking man in this world that doesnt think with his dick? i am so sick of being concidered an object, its not even funny. all of this shit just makes me want to cry. and the fact that i got my hopes up about the possibility about men with even some morals makes me want to throw up! I know better already, I have been taught that lesson! I may aswell just kick my own ass if i keep letting myself be vulnerable like that ! fuck fuck fuck FUUUUCCCKKKKK!
Comments (0) | Permalink

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I think it is completely unhealthy for me to be working with David. I dont like the constant reminder that he is sleeping with another woman. Yes, I should be over it, but it really hurts when he is telling me that he is eating healthier, loosing a bunch of weight, all of these things, when i know its so his gorgeouse girlfriend will want to fuck him some more. what makes her so much better than me? I mean, he would eat three portions of fatty foods a meal when he was with me. did i really make him that unhappy? is she that much better that she is worth the effort where i am not? this is just rediculous. its alot easier to not think about something if it is not thrown in your face on a daily basis. i need a big sexy boyfriend to fucking pick me up at work! ugg fuck my life
Comments (0) | Permalink

Friday, November 23, 2012

eric has made me an offer. i dont know what to think of it. he wants to be my fuck buddy. no girlfriend emo stuff, just friends and sex. i am not sure yet what i want to do about it. its a possibility, as he is attractive, and we have such a strong connection. but since i lost my trust in him, he has stopped giving me butterflies. and I know that part of him loves me still. It worries me, because I really dont want any complications. I am not down for any kind of drama at any point soon. Things are going so well for me at work, and at home, and i really dont want to rock the boat yet, you know? anyways, im just not gonna answer him until i am ready. it would be nice not to have to sleep alone though, and its been a couple monthes since ive last had sex,so it would do my body and stress level some good. not to mention my fat ass :P and i would not have to worry about the weight i have gained, as eric has seen me in all shapes, tiny deathly skinny, chubby, medium, whatever.
ugg okay im just gonna stop thinking about it for a while.
I cant wait to go home. it has been a super long week, and im soo excited to sleep in tomorow its not even funny. I think i might go to beausejour tonight and watch a movie n smoke up with eric. just relax. but i have to do some cleaning before anything else.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Thursday, November 22, 2012

I know this is going to get old real fast, but fuck, am I ever lonely. like not the kinda lonely that means I just needa lay, or even just any guy. not any guy will do. I mean, david? maybe like five monthes ago, that would have worked. Oleg? maybe, if reality were different and he were allowed here. I think, possibly, the guy im so craving right now I have not met yet. And I doubt i will meet him until I stop needing a man in my life to please, and to please me. It just feels so wasteful...I am soo soo lonely, would love someone to hold, to sleep next to, and take their arm around mine and their leg tangled up with mine and stick my big butt in their tummy <3 and i am soo sooo good at being loving. I mean, I have a tendency to lie sometimes, but thats just because I always enter the next relationship while still hardboring feelings for the last guy, without fully letting go. And i lie, because i dont want to admit, that when im lying next to david, im thinking about oleg, etc.. everything else i was brutally honest about. I just didnt want to hurt david. fuck im an idiot sometimes.
oh well. obviously i am meant to be single at the moment. because i still have feelings for david, a little bit, and i still have feelings for oleg, alot. and nobody is giving me anywhere near enough butterflies to forget about either, nevermind both of them. If i knew i could do this and not get attached, I wouldd love to have a guy friend with benefits. But like an actual friend. someone that cares about me as a friendd, doesnt push me to have sex all the time, just likes to hang out with me and watch movies and go shopping and chill out and smoke uup, but is not my boyfriend. and ofcourse when we are both feelin it we have sex. but there is another problem. how do we stop that from becoming something boyfriend girlfriend like? ugg okay now im just thinking outloud.
i just need a distraction. a good one, not any more bad ones. Please God? send me the right person to take care of me, become a close friend, and satify me all at the same time, without being in any way jealous or controlling of needy??? mm and if im allowed to be picky, would love one with big pretty eyes, and dark hair. whether it be man or woman, i hope they are sweet, and loving, and do everything I need them to. most likely a man though. It just doesnt feel like the same level of safty and comfort to have a womans arms around you in bed. but who knows, maybe ill meet someone to change my mind!
Comments (0) | Permalink

» Archives