Wednesday, November 21, 2012

I can't seem to get past the lump in my throat. I wonder if maybe, I am afraid to be alone? I mean, I havent slept next to a man since I've been with David, and thats almost two monthes now. But Oleg has been talking to me regularly, telling all sorts of sweet romantic nothings. Last night, I told Oleg, that if he is never allowed back in the country again, I dont know if I will ever be able to be with him. I dont want just another boyfriend, I want a man that will make me happy for years to come, who will support me through my career, travel the world with me, and be as romantic as Oleg is, with the same loyalty. Am I stupid for putting my foot down? I mean if our love is real and strong, it should not matter that he is not allowed herre. I dont want to live here anyways. But when I date next, I want that man to eventually be my husband, and how can I even start to believe that our relationship will last when I cant even bring him home.
I dont know what to do. I dont know why it hurt so much for David to tell me he is dating someone else, but it did. Probably because she is half my size and fucking beautiful like a model. I just really wanna jump off a bridge today, or curll up into a ball and cry on my mans chest. oh wait. I dont fucking have one! ugg probably for the best, im not sane enough for a man right now.
It just feels like any guy I have interest for, im not good enough for. Im not good looking enough, not sane enough, dont have enough money. I dont sacrifice enough. Im just not enough. I dont even have a fucking teddy bear to hug right now.
And its absolutely rediculous. All I want to do is a big fat hollywood line of coke, and I havent done it in monthes. David sais, your stronger than that, you got away from that shit. meanwhile he did it last tuesday. thats probably how her met her. I wonder what makes her so much bettter than me. i mean, other than the obvious amazing figure and beautiful face. I just wanna cry myself to sleep for a week, and cuddle with the first man I see. Not gonna happen though. Im stronger than that, right? bah! fuck my life
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Thursday, February 18, 2010

this really must be the best decision i made in the past year :) never been so happy, and never worked so hard for soemthnig i want. this is great ^^
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Friday, January 15, 2010

i keep getting texts from greg....i dont think he actually knows what really happened. like i always kew that he did not know to the extent that it affeted e, and how much it fucked me up in all of my next relationships, how it kept me from trusting anyone since..... but i mean, i at least thought he knew somewhat that it was bad. i know he cant and never could read m mind, and since i never told anyone to the extent it fucked me up, he could not have found out, but its only common sense. to break someones trust and hurt them to that extent would fuck up a noral girl, ot to mention someone as untrusting and vulnerable and stupid as i was. i guess i should not be angry, because i am rediculously different now because of it. there is no way i could have done what i have done in the past year or so without it. i never would have been able to get through loosing aaron without some strenth and pain to fall back on. but i guess josh helped with that too. those two, josh and greg, were probably the worst choices of my life.. but it taught me to be heartless and cold when i need to be, and how to keep myself from getting hurt. it taught me never ever to trust anyone to that extent again, and if i do get hurt, it is my fault for trusting the person who hurt me to the point of their being able to hurt me. after everything that almost killed me in those years, my dad, my best friend aaaron, travis, and everybody, i started to learn.i am glad i learn pain, and happy i now know how to control it and keep it down. i am not a stupid little innocent girl anymoer, that will just let people like greg and josh walk all over them. i know how it feels to be used. know it very well, and so i learnt to do it myself, and now i have found someone that i have no wish to use, or be used by. but i have never been able to trust easy, at least, not after greg. that is when everything started to go wrong. but without everything that almost killed me after what he did, after all the attempts to forget, to get away from pain, without all of that, i would never have been strong enough to leave home, or work with no self-respect. i would not be here. i would be dead. or just another weakling, aother useless user of oxigen. i know too many of those. i am not the girl who would look at you, with big scared eyes, and ask you for love. and i will never be here again. thanks to him. i will not trust, and i will never be blind like that again. i refUse. HE HURT ME TO THE POINT of atttempted suicide, and i will not be hurt like that again, specially for someone like that. i left, on the brink of very heavy drugs, constantly cutting, never ever sober, either from alcohol, or soemthing stronger, taking my clothes off constantly to keep myself from falling behind on bills. i left, just out of a relationship that got me in too much legal trouble for a 19 year old girl. taught me that to keep my heart from breaking when my dad makes me wih i was dead, i just have to keep him, and everyone else, out of my heart. taught me to believe and trust only in god, in the universe, and in the angels to keep my heart lifted from what people like greg and josh and kurtis tried to crush it into. i never thought i would say this, but there is a reason that i have tried my hardst to forget all of you, and everything that has ever happened between us. any time i ever start to think of it, i no longer feel the pain of betrayal and broken trust,or of being used time and time again, being destroyed. all i feel is a cold and empty void that used to be a big part of me. like you took a knife and cutt out everything that was good in me, and now all i have left is little bits that are incomplete, complicated, and dont make any sense. i think i am much smarter now, and i know how to keep my heart and self safe. i know alot more now than i used to, but lost a big part of myself learing it. you tried to kill me, but you failed. now, what is left behind, does not feel anything for you but digust, pity, and for some more than others, hate. thaks for making me what i am now. but you are no longer needed, since you no longer have any say, or effect over my life, or my heart.
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Friday, December 25, 2009

well, merry christmas :D

i am very excited to be going to bc on jan 1st. i am also ver proud that i have remained faithful to him. it did not require a second thought, or the least bit of effort. i know its not such a big thing for anyone else, and it really is not such a big thing for me. especially not anymore. although i am not sure if people can guess but i have gotten a little more mature. i was just surprised at the lack of effect travis has on me now. i mean i stilll love him the way i always have, but he cant make me forget the world anymore. i love eric very much, though i am not sure to what end yet. i have loved before, and though it has not felt like this as of yet, every love is different. i hope this one is real, and i hope i have the strength in me to work at it if things get rough. why do i always run away? at least that is what people are teeling me.....i thought i stayed around pretty long and tried to help i think every relationship i had. kurtis? i gave that boy numerous chances, and he never did stop drinking or take my threats of leaving him seriously. not that i mind drinking. eric probably can drink jsut as much as him. but there are responsibilities to come first. either way, i am not getting into that tonight. hope eeryone had a good christmasa :)
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Friday, December 11, 2009

...... whats wrong with me.....? i am living through every day, getting worse and worse for myself and i dont understand any of it.... eric was making me happy...and i was on my way to being the independant i have always wanted to be. i did not need him, but i wanted him.,....

why do i turn into a jealous spiteful sarcaastic person?

why did i make him unsure of me?

why did i not lie when i should have

he is unsure of me
what does that mean
unsure of my sanity
unsure of my ability to make him happy
unsure if he wantsw me to be with him this winter
or maybe he just does not want me at all anymore
i am no longer jut an easy lay
thats all i have ever been to anyone, so why should this be any different

i stopped being travis's easy lay when i fell in love with him and wanted him for myself
everything he said hurt me because of my own insecurities
i dont blame him for anythiong he did
what was he supposed to do, with my mind twisting everything the way it does

i remeber how much hatred seemed to be in aaron's eyes neaar the end of it. dont blame him either.
its as if something goes right, and i have to change it. i have t do everything in my power to push them away, even if my heart wants nothing more but than to keep them
maybe that is what i am doing now\
maybe the reason i am like this is because i am not meant to be with anyone
maybe the reason i throw everything up and swtill dont loose weight is that i am not meant to look good enough to keep anyone
maybe the reason i stioll cut after all this time is that i never really wanted to stopo
why woulc i want to sstop
whats the point, when my mind is so self destructive aswell
i may aswelll help out with my body too\
maybe i cant keep a smile on my face unless i am very drunk, or very high, becausse its easy to lie then
maybe i give private dances because the deperate pathetic men who buy them think i am beautifulo despite all of this
they dont look at the scars
they dont wonder if i ever eat
they are happy i am drunk
because i seem more gettable that way
bring the little drunken psycho home
any maybe she will hope to mend her little swtupid broken heart
maybe she will be deperate enough and drunk enough to fuck you silly
she wont remeber in the morning anyways
so it does not matter


i wish i was high....
i wish i was drunk now
or maybe that i was normal?

....i wish i was brave enough to die.....
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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

i think ill get out of here where i can run just as fast as i can to the middle of nowhere i swear you are just like a pill instead of making me better u keep making me ill. i cant stay on your life support there is a shortage in the swich i cant stay on your morphine cuz its making me itch. i swear your just like a pill intead of making me better u keep making me ill.

i dont wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest or the girl who never wants to be alone i dont wqanna be the girl at four oclock in the morning cuz i am the only one you know who wont be home. thats not the way i want the story to end why do i feel this party is over no pain inside your my protection but how do i feel this good sober i dont wanna be the girl who has to feel the silence.... please dont tell me that we had that conversation because i dont remeber. i am safe up high nothing can touch me you lack perfection...

when i see your smile tears run down my face i cant replace

small simple safe price this is not a small cut that scabs and dries and flakes and heals whats left but a section of pigme size cuts my sad sorry selfish cry out to the cutter i am crying trying to picture your black broken heart love is not like anything especially not a fucking knife i am the cleanest i have ever been . just look at me look at me now im a fake.

we had fire in our eyes in the beggining i never felt so alive in the beggining you you blame me but its not fair when u say that i didnt try i jsut dont wanna hear it anymore i swear i never meant to let it die i jsut dont care about you anymore its not fair when u say that i didnt i just dont care about you anymore we had time on our side in the beggining we had nothing to hide you you blame me but its not fair when u say that i didnt try i jsut dont wanna hear it anyhmore i swear i never meant to let it die i judt dont care about you anymore its not fair when u say that i didnt try i jsut dont care about you anymore.

everything that freaks me out the lighthouse gleams has just run im cold AS cold as cold can be
let the hurricain set in motion let the rain of what i feel right now come down let the rain come down. where is the coast guard i keep looking each direction for a spotlight give me something
im reaching for the life within me how can one man stop his ending
somtimes it feels jsut like im falling in the ocean let the hurricain set in motiong let the rain of what i feel right now come down

closed off fromm love i didnt need the pain once or twice was enough and it was all in vain
something happoened for the very firswt time with you my heart melted to the ground found something true
i dont care what they say im in love with you they try to pul me away but they dont know the truth

im killing time and time is killing me
pease juswt follow me i thought you wanted me cuz i want you all to myself make me feel like someone else please jsut follow me i thought you wanted me cuz i want you all to myself im under the gun your like the only one i just cant decde what your running from i cant keep my fucking mouth shut
i wish i could breath without getting it stuck
i thought you wanted me cuz i want you all to myself i can try to suck it upo i just cant swuck it up i want you all to myself i can to suck it up i juswt cant suck it up make me feel like someone else


i hear glasses breaking as i sit up in bed i told dad you didnt meant hose nasty things u said u fight about money about me and my brother it aint easy growing up in world war three i dont want love toi destroy me like it has done my famnily


i dont want love to destroy me


daddy please stop yeeling i cant stand the sound make momma stop

i love you troo i ran away today ran from the noise dont wanna go back to that place but dont have no choice no way

cant we wwork it out can we be a family promise ill be better ill do anything can we be a family i promise ill be better please dont leave...

you left already u never coming back you never felt about her the way u did mer. u are happy now with your new family love them more than life u look so happy so fake hope u hapopy cuz i am here without you a\nd always will be this will nbever change i will never get better i will always be this fucked up little girl and i will not get better not for you or mom or anyone. u will never be hapopier than the day i die i promie you i will make sure. u will no longer have anything to be ashamed of because your family will surely make you proud AND happy i have no doubt and neither shopuld you. i will not be your little girl and i wont try to make you happy i will only be myzelf in all the inglorious horrible ways that i have always been im sorry ic ant change for you anymore i have been trying aking myself sick i cant fit into your perfect little picture but i can make my own little warped world with what i have now i dont need you here anymore i only wish u were in my memories around me making me hapoy instead of making me feel the way u did it does not matter anymore and i know it was my own fault but it does not matter anymore u are the adult

i cant stay on your life support there is a shortage in the swich i tried to call the nurse again but shers being a little bithch
i swear your juswt like a pill stead of making me better you keep making me ill

jsut run as fast as i can to middle of nowhere


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Sunday, November 22, 2009

you know i am deeply disturbed and i am deeply unhappy you will be rid of me simply break my ugly little useless heart it will cause u nothing but trouble so just leave me alone and it will make u so happy you dont belkieve me just try it i am sure u will agree
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Thursday, November 19, 2009

now your gone i realize my love for you was strong.
i think i am crazy about eric now, but that kinda scares me, becazuse i think he really likes me too he was going to go up north like he does every year for the winter for work but now he is saying he does not weant to this year he wantsw to stayh with me and that freaks me out i mean what if he starts to resent me after because of all the money he is loosing that would drive me crazy i think..... i dunno i just hope he is really okay with this.
living with justing is driving me nuts i hate it. i think i was always somehowe intoxicated when i saw himn before. he is always asking for rides or walking into my room withiout knocking or just doing stupid stuff like that and its pissing me off so much he is so annoying i cant believe i signed a one year lease i am so dumb oh well i guesss it not the end of the world.
i am still not sure what i wanna do but i keep getting a feeling like i really wanna go to school or do something with my life right now becasue i am getting really tired of being a nothing waitress unkown private dancer girl.
speaking of that my dancing at teasers is like dead right now all my regulars hat i had from before i left are not so much there anymore. i really need a new day job too cuz st.b is jsut stupiud now. maybe i can get some of my regulars from st.b to come see me at teasers and make money that way XP

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

i am single, and i like it. why do these boys alyways come back to me? like i was something special? the only thing tht make me different is that i dealt with their bull. and i wont anymore, for anyone. i am tired of people using me, so stop telling me u love me! i wanna have fun^^
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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

messages at 3 am
- you remeber how i was about travis, how i would never stop talking about him and i would see him every night and never get sick of him and how i could simply never get enough of him, and i would gladly give my life away to be with himm? and what about josh, do u remeber how long it took me to simply stop crying after josh? i was so crazy about him, he never asked me to change anything about myself and was always so wonderful, like a dream to me at the time?

-yeah, but i remeber a whole hell alot more about travis, i was not around much when the whole josh thinghappened. you were in that depressed not going to talk to anyone faze...

-okay well, the thing is, now that i have broken up with kurtis, they are both crazy again. travis still wants me back, and i still love him and he is still so special to me, but i dont think i can date him. we are way too different, it would just never work out. either way, i think we both just need a friend right now, and he has things that are way more important to concentrate on than dating. then there is josh. i hung out with hinm yesterday and everything was normal, but then he kissed me, and then started spouting things about how kurtis cut in line, and that he has been wanting a second chance with me for a long time now, and that he misses me and all sorts of stuff like that. now, i have been dreaming of this since he first broke up with me, but since then, i have not trusted him, and am not sure whether or not i ever could again so that it could be the same way it was.. i have grown up alot since then and i know how easy it is for a boy to make a love sick girl believe anything they want her to.

-well, i remeber travis being something special to you, always, but would u be able to be with either him or josh? would u be able to handle all that change? oh god.... he cut in line?!

-yeah, and you know its not only those two now-a-days.....

- spill.

-well, you remeber that boy eric i was talking about? at the time i was only saying anything because he was interesting and mysterious and delicious looking/ well, since then he has opened up to me alot, and he still does not know i am single because i am not sure if i want to risk this new friendship with him, because it seems like he is really starting to trust me , as a person, and not just someone to flirt with. now, i have no idea how things would ever go with him because i am not sure i trust him enough yet to even make an educated guess, but i think it might be something worth persuing...

-eric, is that the one with the tiny ***** ?

-lol! no i have not done anything with him. that was portage boy greg, and that was only one very stupid drunk night. lol he is trying to get with me to but we both know how good of a chance that is! eric is the big muscles blond country boy that is not my type but delicious anyways. remeber?

-lol wow another greg?! that name haunts you still to this day

-tell me about it. up to now there has been only one that i can still stand, after five years. lol anyways, he is definetly not an option. he has made it clear from the start that all he wants is sex, and i already know he is not so great at it, so he is so very out its not even funny.

- good choice on that one^^

- then there is one you dont know about... a new one i met not too long ago, and aparently we knew eachother before, through travis! isnt that fucked up?! anyways, i met him on friday, and we have been talking and hanging out ever since. now i have not tried anything, because i was serious about staying single for a while, and either way i am not sure what is there. its not the same thing as the passion i feel for travis, or the comfort and warm ferocity i feel for aaron, or the admiration i feel for josh. this one tho, he is different in the way that i feel so comfortable around him already and it has only been a few days. it feels like i have known him for ever. the only one i ever got that instant feeling for was josh, and that was just that i could trust him, this one it just feels like nothing can ever go wrong.... either way, i wanted just to be friends with him and get to know him, but last night he kissed me. nothing gross, like i expected, since all the boys lately who are trying for me keep giving me these pirey, i wanna have sex with you kisses. i hate that right now. lol this one was just a little peck, a little soft thing that made me feel all cuddly. but it the one i have given most thought to.

-okay.... wow.....where do u find them?1 lol alright well josh i think would really need to prove his shit before u even conciderr him. i know u are crazy about him and all but he broke your heart and your trust. you cant jsut be handing away chances to every guy that comes along. eric kinda same thing, just maybe hang out with him a few times as friends, dont tell him your single, and see what he is really like. he might be a possibility, but we dont know that yet. guys make good lyers if u want to believe what they are saying. travis, from what u told me, has alot of other things to concentrate on, and either way, your feelings for him will never go away, we already know that. so let him get his own life in order, let him prove himself to you, and not the other way around. i remeber everything u told me when u two were together, and i understand what u feel for him, but i also know how easy that makes it or him to tell u anything he thinks u want to hear. u can live without passion if its not safe. now, this new guy, i think if u feel so close to him, keep it up, but as friends. see if that kiss thing changed anything between u two, and justt go from there. it might have just been a instinctual thing, and u dont know him yet, dont trust him yet, and either way u should jsut wait. wait and see whether or not u like him and trust him as a friend, because otherwise its useless to even try for anything. but try and figure it out before he steals your heart nd u fall in love with him, like u did with aaron, because that will prolly end badly. dont put your best friend on the line for a boyfriend, because u know u dont want to feel that again.

-so, to summ it up, travis has to concentrate on himself, so he is a no. kurtis is a definate no, because he cant give me the space i need. josh has to prove himself, and would be a dream if he did, but that is up to him, so we will see, about the same for eric, just hang out and see who he really is and if he would be a possible interest, and the new boy, well, just same thing. see who he really is, and go from there. now, one more problem to solve. ......

-what might that be dear?

-how the fuck to i get them all to leave me alone long enogh to figure this shit out?!?!?!?!?!?

-lol well, that one i am not sure if i can help u with. maybe leave the country for a while? oh wait, but no. there are new pretty boys everywhere in the world, we dont want to broaden our horizons. what about steal away in a dark cave somewhere for a few months with a big pile of books, and just wait it out? or u could do what u usually do, and just drown yourself in work?

- that last one sounds like it may be a possibility. maybe ill try that one . lol/

-now, anything els ei can help u with tonight before we both passs out?

-no, i think that is just about it for that little can of worms. we can tackle the other ones tomorrow. after coffee maybe?

-sounds delightful love.

-hey... thanks for being around....you know i am always there for u too...

-i know hon. i like having u around too. and i was just returning the favor for the other night^^ now we are even!! well, for a few days anyways,, till something else comes up. lol!

-lol true true. anyways, sleep sweet and thanks again^^

-sweet dreams
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