Thursday, February 1, 2007

cold. numb. i cant feel it anymore. it will be this way until once again, a month or two from now, he calls or something, for missing my brother's b-day, to be in cuba with his family. numb.......just fuck off and leave me alone, all of you!!!!!!!
Comments (0) | Permalink

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

differen. content. happy enough. make me happy/. dont talk to me. please. leave me alone. i am different. im scared. but i iknow everything will be alright. nevermind. drunkenness...
Comments (0) | Permalink

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

what the fuck is the matter with you? why do you keep doing this to me? a few fucking seconds of talking to you and my heart is broken once more. we said our sorry goodbyes faster then it took me to pick uop the fucking phone and dial your number. i miss you so much. you are elaving afgain, going with your fucking family, to cuba for two fucking weeks. oh, how i wish i could be with you, and only you. i want to travel the world. i dont fucking need you. why do you keep doing this to me? i dont need you. please stop this. i hate you. i dont want u in my life. stop breaking me! its hurts so fucking much why cant u just leave me alone. at least when u dont call for monthes at a fucking time, it saves the trouble of saying theses sorry goobyes. a fucking three minute phone call is the only contact ive had with you for two fucking monhtes it seems. what is the matter with me? why cant u fucking like me even just a little? dont u ever just want to talk to me? about nothing even. i dont fucking care. i just hate you so much stay out of my life, stop going away for so fucking long then coming back for a few minutes, jsut to break my fucking heart again. i feel so broken, every time. i feel like my entire world shatters every time u leave, and when i finally start to rebuild it again, i walk in the door, and mom tells me you've called. i try to keep my walls up, and i try to keep my guard up, but once i hear your voice i already know what is coming. i just dont want this anymore. i love you so much and i hate you please just stay out of my life this hurts so fucking much i jsut want to die how can i go through so much without even a thought of crying, how can i take on my own and everybody else's fucking life, but when u call for two fucking minutes, i want to break down and just die what the fuck is wrong with me? why cant i just let you go. please ust stay out of my life. please dont leave again. i dont want u to go. i dont want to say goodbye. i dont want this anymore. please just come back. come see me and talk to me and please just like me a little bit im sorry ia m such a failure and im sorry i cant make u proud i just want to be with you. i dont want to be alone anymore. you are the only one i want please come back i miss you so much stop leaving me!!!!!! please stop saying goodbye stop making me break i want to be strong, like you. i dont want to break why cant u stop this? why cant i let you go, please tell me whats wrong with me. i promise i will change. i will do everything i can to change if u would just look at me and smile. please come see me i havent seen you in so long i miss you i hate you so much stop coming back unless you are going to stay i fucking hate you i want to die. i would die for you just to smile aat me, i would slit my wrists open and let my body bleed every drop of fucking blood just to see you fucking smile jsut please stop hurting me i want u to smile at me please......
Comments (0) | Permalink

Monday, January 29, 2007

just hold me now. can u see me? your all that i want. i miss how u used to tickle me. i miss you so much dad. why dont u ever call? why dont u ever write or visit? u are never here. less and less i get to see you i miss you so fucking mucha dn i hate you but i love you so much u are so important to me why cant u see how much i love you? why cant u see how proud i am to have u in my life? why cant u let me be part of your life like u are of mine? i am yours and yours only and i love you so much and please come back i miss you and i dont want u to leave one day and i wont ever see you again im sorry i am such a fuck-up please just accept me for who i am i cant be a perfect daughter im sorry i dont like the other two i will try i promise jsut please come and see me and smile at me for once please i dont want to be alone anymore i dont need anybody else if i have u there dad, just please come back i miss you so much please stop saying goodbye and stop avoiding me do you even think of me half as much as i think of you every single day? i miss you so much and i love you and please, jsut stop breaking my heart.........


if only they could understand just once. contemplating everything u ever said. see you later. i see your fantasie. now thats over. your decision to hide. back off, ill take u on. i know that u are wrong. do you know my name? if i saw u in heaven...would it be the same? if i saw u in heaven? .....i must stay strong to carry on. cuz i know i dont belong in heaven. please just dont leave me anymore i just want to be by your side. desperate for changing, starving for truth. chasing after you. im falling even more in love with you. letting go of all ive held on to. im only here with you. forgetting all im lacking. ill take your invitation, you take all of me. im falling even more in love with you. letting go of all ive heald on to. there is nothing else to loose. there is nothing else to find. there is nothnig in the world that can change my mind. there is nothing else.....starving for truth. closer where i started. chasing after you. im falling even more in love with you. letting go of all ive heald on to. im standing here until u make me move.

a young woman in a enchanted forest singing to herself. in love, with the woirld she was. talking to the trees, graceful as a dove and feirce as a lion, but gentle as a deer. one day, she fell upon a little well in the middle of the forest. magic, it was, but she did not know that until she took a drink from the little well, and it swallowed her whole and brought her to another little world. she was in the middle of a city, a place she had never thought was possible. there were colors she had never seen, and sounds and tastes she wa unfamilliar with. there were people all around her, and she then realized how simple she must look to all of them, but she didnt care, for she was in aww of this zstrange new place, and could not drink in enough of the new colors and sounds surrounding her, she walked and explored the city, but it never seemed to end. finally, beside a big willow tree in the middle of a beautiful green garden, she found a well jsut like the one she had found in the forest what seemed like years ago. she sat on its edge, and pulled on the rope, and took a drink, once more and was swallowed and magically brought back into the same forest she was blissfully traveling in only this morning, though it had seemed years from then.....



what do you think of this non-sense? i think it is all bullshit. never fucking mind i suppose. live, love and die a horrible painful death for what u think is true, but usually turns out to me even omre bullshit.....
Comments (0) | Permalink

you dont need nobody to make it on your own.....you dont need nobody you'd rather be alone......... everybody hates you when u living offf rock and roll........i must confess.......


a young man with a pet white man and two turtles and a blue face. do you not understand that the blue face beats them all? for the two turtles have eachother, and the black man has the white man. the blue face fits in with nobody, but doesnt need anybody to fit in with, for he is so unique that he understand the meaning of life alone.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, January 28, 2007

wonder if anyone would notice if i did what greg sais he thinks he should do....or if i started drinking and smoking like aaron does.....or maybe just be simple and start cutting every day like i used to......or i could simply run away like i was planning to do with travis what seems a lifetime ago.....ofcourse i would be on my own if i did it today.....the only problem with all of thoses things......i would be giving up my dreams....how did they all give up on their dreams so easily?......i know dreams change, and u get new dreams......even if dreams go down the drain, you should always have hope that the next one will not.....then why does it seem like i am the only one with hope?......i have hope that greg will find his right path........i have hope that aaron will stop doing all this dumb shit and find the amazing beauty in life.....i have hope that travis will get to leave one day, but will not be running.....i have hope that he will find a life that makes him happy.....they all will......so why dont they have the same hope?........i dont understand.......i know i am ignorant and pretty well jsut stupid......childish for thinking such things of life.....and i know they are all lies.....that everyone is probably right and life sucks.....but what is so wrong with living with the bliss i am living in now?......i cant see what they see.......i dont understand what is so horrible about life......i mean, it kicks the shit out of you every day, yes, i guess that can suck at times......every promise made is likely to be broken......jsut as every time u trust someone will your heart, that will be broken aswell......the people u live with make every day more and more difficult......nobody seems to understand.......yea, that part of life sucks.....but doesnt anybody think that the good parts of life is at least a little worth the pain?.......i would go through a hell of alot worse of a life......just for the good parts.....like my perfect romantic summer with travis.....i would go through the pain of that just for the simple memories again and again. ......or the smile on dad's face when i was being a little nature princess and making a crown of long grass and flowers.......i would go through heartbreak every day again and again, just to have that smile......even just a simple walk in the woods, talking to the trees and loving life......i would go through all the pain in the world jsut to make sure the real places in the world were still there for people to visit......why am i the only to see that?......i get yelled at every day for the dumbest things by my parents, but it all worth it when we all sit down in the basement and watch a movie......life is not all crap......and i refuse to believe that this is stupidity or ignorance.....this is simple truth! life is fucking amazing. maybe you all are jsut too fucking immature or idiotic to get it! never fucking mind appreciate it. dont fucking try to tell me how to live, because u all are doing a pretty fucking shitty job at it. talk or drinking, cutting, and suicide, or talk of how shitty your life is because of a few problems, is all i hear from you. what the fuck is the matter with all of you? all of your lives, and i mean all of them, are a hole fucking lot better the most in the world, and u cant even see that life is worth it? i would take away all of your pain, all of it put together, and bring it upon only myself, make u all dumb and happy, if it would get u to see how amazing and beautiful life really is. but that wouldnt even work, cuz as soon as u break a fucking nail, life would suck shit again, and would be worth living. am i exxaggerating? cuz i really dont think so. i have heard all of you talking about how horrible life is, and that is not even what bugs me, cuz i know that life can be a bitch. what bothers me is that even when everything is okay, you still hate life. u are all fucking blind to true beauty, and if u all think life sucks so much, then give me a fucking gun and ill put you out of your misery!!!!!
Comments (0) | Permalink

Saturday, January 27, 2007

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

“People say they love truth, but in reality they want to believe that which they love is true.”

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.”

“Never assume the obvious is true.”

“Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.”

This is the true measure of love: When we believe that we alone can love, that no one could ever have loved so before us, and that no one will ever love in the same way after us”

True friends are the ones who never leave your heart, even if they leave your life for awhile. Even after years apart, you pick up with them right where you left off, and even if they die they're never dead in your heart.”

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.”

“They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

Music is what feelings sound like.”

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

People love others not for who they are but for how they make them feel”

Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand.”

Among men and women, those in love do not always announce themselves with declarations and vows. But they are the ones who weep when you're gone. Who miss you every single night, especially when the sky is so deep and beautiful, and the ground so very cold.”

wich of these do you think applies to what i feel right now? i'd be quite impresed if u figured it out....
Comments (1) | Permalink

almost perfect....the worst time......scared....cold....i don't know what to do.....thank you for protecting me....i don't need help from anybody....is only human....the blame can be pointed only at one.....not them.....but i.....tis winter.....but nights feel like summer....should it not be the other way around....was very different.......did not sleep....kept waking up....reading....love......unreal.......moving....lowlife?......what of blindness.......or jealousy?......what of metal......what of friendship....what of indifference.....why do you not understand.....what do i have to do......why doesnt it go away.....one after the other....never stops.....have not yet cried.....tis a good thing.....will not give in to weakness.....alone....love it ......i am aloud now....and i have no wish to......was the cure all along.......so sincear.....tis a lie again?.......i have learned......not to trust.....i will not make that mistake.....acting....easy....put on a smile......happyness......easy......alone still....better that way......no hurt.......more to occupy... ...sex......kissing...fucking......hate......tears.....anger....hate.....get the fuck away from me....leave me alone....alone....nobody around....better.....happyness....acting.....easy.....smile....
Comments (0) | Permalink

if only you could see through my eyes.....
Comments (0) | Permalink

Friday, January 26, 2007

no matter what, i have to keep it hidden inside
Comments (0) | Permalink