Friday, January 5, 2007

u just dont get it do you? i want to live. for once. fuck you. i hate you. y dont u fucking get it. fucking hell. i hate this. ill give u the knife if u promise to use it. i already gave it away. fuck off and leave me alone.
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tonight.....almost......not quite.....so easy.......too easy........never again.......let you down......tis about love......tis about time......tis about people......tis about a place.......tis not real......tis underneith......tis me......tis my favorite one.......one is black......one is place.......one is different.....tis just a kiss..........always dark.........my favorite?.......different........yellow.......beautiful.....never.......fuck off........you dont get it........different.......not the same.......never the same.......looking around.......searching........near the fireplace........just a nod........nothing more......jsut a loook................justa hug...........just a kiss..........just a word......just a beat.......nothing more......nothing less........always searching.....
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Tuesday, January 2, 2007

jnothing different. nothing the same. none of it matters. i am crazy. i am crazy and stupid and idiotic and scared. i can handle it alone, and i do not need nor want your help. fuck off and leave me alone.
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Saturday, December 30, 2006

i think my heart stopped. i thought he made it better. i thought i has started to get a little better, then everything went to shit. my heart fucking stopped. i didnt wave. i didnt nod. i didnt fuking do anything. tis not as i remeber. its all gone. i hoped to god he would come back after thoses few seconds and left. did. hated it. there is nothing left. im so scared. why did this happen? last night, i felt right. i felt better then i have in a while. now, i am so mixed up. i couldnt breath. i couldnt fucking breath and my heart was all wrong and i tried so hard not to start crying and i still held it all inside. i didnt let any of it show. i am at least happy about that. will it be that way every time? how can i change so fast, with jsut a glance? please, tell me what to do....
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Friday, December 29, 2006

i dont fucking know what to do just leave me the fuck alone i mean for fuck's sake i dont fucking care if that is how i am then stop trying to change me and u say its fine and that you'll wait but thats a fucking lie just let me be me cuz i am not going to change i dont fucking know how unless i start lying again about everything and thats fine with me maybe thats just what ill do jsjutu leve me the fuck al9one already! this hurts already bad anough that u dpnt have to keep making it worse and worse for fucks sake jsut leave me be./
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i want to get it right, for once. why cant i change whats going on ?
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Thursday, December 28, 2006

im sorry. ive made u mad at me. u are not going to answer? it was my fault. ill leave u alone then....
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today is different.....i hope. everything is changing in me. im scared...
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i dont know what to think. can anyone tell me?
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Wednesday, December 27, 2006

just an object. just a toy. brainless, emotionless toy. respect is not something i know or have known. better get used to it. doesnt look too bright in the futur either. worst part of it all is that im not surprised. i did not even have much of a reaction. do me a favor, and try to find a way to shock me. it will take alot.
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