Wednesday, December 13, 2006

school now. stayed up a little late esterday so a little tired today. weird. whatever. fuck you. anyways, day is well enough. dont know what to say. kinda oddly down today. whatever. i am going to go befor yeah......nevermind. whatever fuck. bye.
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Sunday, December 10, 2006

i went to a party thingie yesterday. twas fun. lots of pillows and hot chocolate and bike walls and little silver pinthingies. this morning was a sheep for real. marina. back. mom. well enough. tis odd. doesnt matter. x-mas decorations are up now. yesterday was very eventful.

am thinking weirdly today. was very happy. not so much anymore. i messed up very badly. and i know it. i just never think about it too much. i try to remeber the very few thing i did right, so as to try and not be depressed and sad lik eeveryone around me. but today, like every once in a while, my mistakes came to my mind very swifly, crashing throuhg all happy thoughts of it. it doesnt matter. i dont regret any of it. and i am never sadd thinking of him. but of some things related, i can often, if i let myself be, be very sad. whatever. doesnt matter right now. i just tired i guess. i going to go read for a little while. happy day everybody.
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Friday, December 8, 2006

first work today. not nervouse. said i should be. going to be bad for a first time. well, i dont care. i can handle it. not like tis the hardest thing on earth. doesnt matter. love the world. love the earth. love the people. whatever fuck.

i want to leave. now. dont touch me. dont talk to me. i jsut want to leave. maybe not forever. for a long time tho. five years? ten? twenty? i dont care. as long as it makes this go aawy. i wont leave. cant. not alllowed. still dont have the right to do it. doesnt matter. fuck you. go to hell.
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Thursday, December 7, 2006

home now. better. suppose. called. scared. hurt. tomorow. work. first. different. i want to hear a love story. one with a happy ending. one with alot of adventure and fantasie.

anyone know of a good story? any kind of story? i know it childish. love/adventure story with a happy ending. i dont care. i just dont care what people think anymore. at least not most people. i am naiive and aireheaded and blinded by my dreams. but, i live by my dreams now. they make me smile. i only hope that everybody finds something like that in their life.

i am still praying for one. for all of them. i hope tis making a difference. i hope my faith is rewarded....
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at skewl with carly in art class being very sexualnessittying. doing a prject on Mont-St.Michel. tis a beautiful place. i would love to live in a place like that. its amazing.....

how was everybody's day? mine was fine, if anybody reading. either i am not going to stay, jsutw wanted to say something i have felt today.

dont fucking touch me dont fucking come near me i hate this i want to fucking be left alone so fucking get away from me and just stop fuking touching me and dont fucking tell me all that shit and dont ask for it because you are not fucking goina to get it all you are going to get is a fucking knife in youyr gut so leave me the fuck alone already and dont fucking talk to me and dont fucking touch me all i want to do now i run away just leave me the fuck alone!!!!!!
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Tuesday, December 5, 2006

every feeling that i get. but i havent missed you yet. only when i stop to think about it. i hate everything about you. why ddo i love you ? i hate everything about you. why do i love you? only when i start to think about you i know.

i fucking hate you you fucking perice of shit whore and i fucking want to crawl away and die and leave me the fuck alone for fucks sake is that too fucking much to ask you moht rfucking bitch?!@#?$?@#?%$?@#$?%?@%?#?@$%?@#?$%?!#$?%#@?$%@?#$%?@#?%$#?@%?#@?%#@?$%?#@?$%?#@?$%?@#$?%#!?%?#@!~@?%$@#?$^?#@?%$?!$??!~@#?$?#!@%??@!#$?!@?#$?!@#?$!@?#$?@!#?$?

its been a year daddy. i reallrea lly miss you. mommy sais you are safe now in a beautiful place called heaven. we had your favorite dinner tonight. i ate it all up. even tho i dont like carrots. i learned how to swim this summer. i can even hold my breath when i am under water. cant u see me? i started kindergarden this year. i carry a picture of us in my blues clues lunchbox. you are the greatest daddy. i can swing on the swing by myself. even though i miss you pushing me. cant u see me? i miss how u used to tickle me. tickle my belly. my belly hurts. i try not to cry. mommy sais its okay. i know u dont like it when i cry. u never wanted me to be sad. i try daddy but it hurts. is it true your not coming home? maybe some day, i can visit you in heaven okay? it time for me to go to bed now. i sleep with the light on, just incase u come home and kiss me goodnight. i love you so much. i miss you daddy.

comment ca vas, ma ptite soeur. vien que je te sers dans mes bras. un peu morose. cuis fiere que tu mest pas ramener un beau-frer de l'alberta. anyways, cui content que tu revienne tarrive a meme temps que l'automns. icit ilya papa qui se remet. taurait du le voire il faikait mmaman cest inqueter toute lannee a cause de toi. tu me connais, cuis pas motive plus qui faut cest pas nouveau. ca mas fait bien la peine de te voire partire la mignonne.si tu laime plus faudrait peut etre pas le nieser, cest un bon buddy. cest tu encore la grande noirceur la vie est parcemee de petites miseres. tarrive en meme temps que lautomne.

standing by the window. eyes upon the moon. hoping at the memory will leave the spirit soon. imigases and wordss are running deep. quietly she lays and waits for sleep. she stares at the celing and tried not to think. the pictures that change the feeling is gone. water cant cover her memory. ashes cant answer her pain. give me the power. life from a cold metal frame. up with the smoke from the fire. thingsd up in heaven are here lying in bed. now and forever come.

open up your eyes take a look at me. i wont stop until i start. stand out. some people settle for the typical thing. it aint a question of this, jsut a matter of time. i got what it takes. to stand out above the crowd even if i gotta shout loud. stand out, till u notice me. im totally devoted to disturbing the peace. until i become your number one. no means of escape. you get the message thatim trying to send. u know im going all the way to end. stand out, above the crowd even if i gotta stand out loud till you nitce me. if i could make u stop and look at me instead of just walk on by. all i need is every chance, a second glace. i got whatever it takes. its a peice of cake. place you see. stand out yeah yeah yeah. stand out,. till you notice me.

there liveds a certain man. he was nbig and strong and his eyes of flaming gold. most looka t him in terror and fear. but he also was the kind of teacher women would desire. but to moscow chicks he was such a loverly dear. rasputine, lover of the russian queen. russias greatest love machine. twas a shame how he carried on. he was real brave when he hd a girl to sleese. she heard the things he done. she believe he was a holy healer who could heal her son. rasputine love of the russian queen. it was ashame how he carried on. but then his drinking and lusting and hungert for power became knows to ore people. the demands to do something becamse louder and louder. but the ladies begged, dont u try to do it please. tho he was a brute they jsut fell into his arms. rasputine russias greated love machine. rasputine. they didnt quit, they wanted his head. and so they shot till he was dead. thoses russians.

i dont fucking know what that was just songs and only parts of it that dont make sense, and fuck you if u no likes it. i am fucking happy! so fuck you!
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Sunday, December 3, 2006

i think i am going to lizbef's till tuesday. hope tis okay. glenn is being a jerk about it. keeps asking me a bunch of questions, since he couldn't possibly trust what i say, i mean, i am a lying whore right? no use trusting my word. whatever, i am going to go before anything else is said that i probably should not say because, just like everything else i do, i will get yelled at for it. whatever fuck.
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Saturday, December 2, 2006

have no fucking idea what to say. not smart to talk to me now. kindaof going to jump soemthing and rip it's skin off. he is never on when he should be. it sais he is, but he isbnt. why am i always talking to myself? there is no fucking point of talking to me then, because i am not talkable when u are actually there. so fuck you.

i fucking hate this and everything it entails. i awnt to leave and fucking die in the fucking corner of a room somewhere. just leave me the fuck alone already okay?
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Friday, December 1, 2006

you fucking peice of shit ass hole i fucking hate u i hope u fucking die holy fucking shit fuck you! its all my own fucking fault, what the fuck is up now? just fucking climb up your own fucking ass and die already you peice of shit mother fucking jerk! leave me the fuck alone already!
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Thursday, November 30, 2006

i think it beggining to work. as i want to soon i hope. i dont know. i had a school concert yesterday. twas very fun. a little worried of aaron, but i wont be like everyone else. if i want to cut, i will, no matter what anyone tells me. he does not cut. i am going to read soon. the gift of the undoing. turning things into nothing. creating chaos. the calling. calling for a hunt? if u could speak to animals, if u were given a gift of being able to call them to you, would u use it to call them forth, so that they could live their last few minutes as prey?

i am at school , comme toujours pendant la journée. tis not such an exciting day today, but a usual one. a little slow, and a little fast at the same time. a menetaur who could not speak. have the feelings and body of a man, but the head, and the instincts of an animal. some would call that grotesque. others would see beauty where most of the world do not. the creature could not speak through words, though i am sure it would have much to say. it might try to speak with its body, with its actions, and with its eyes. you think?
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