Sunday, November 26, 2006

feel alot weird today. cutting. screaming. running. crying. i want to do it all. cant sneek out and go to rock bridge, like i want to. dont have a bedroom door. cant cut. people have habit of keeping checks on me now. whatever. doesnt matter. dont need either. can live without them. dont know what to say. lump in my throat. all day. i found the little box with all of it in it. egyptian bookmarks. a fucking golfball. a little black heart necklace. ofcourse, the jewelry box isnt in the bos. neither is the scorpion or the round necklace with the writing on it, or the butterly, or the black diamond. the red hoodie is hanging in my closet. dont know what to do with it. so i jsut left it there, until i figure out what to do with it.

talked to adame tonight, for a few minutes. he jsut came back from his parents house. missed talking to him. ive been very odd theses past days, and i always could talk to him about my oddness.

i want to hear that song. i dont know why. i just want to hear it. maybe. i dont know.

was talking to greg today alot on the phone. he thought i was upset. i might have been but not in the way he thought. he is beggining to learn me. not anywhere near knowing me by heart yet, or knowing what im feeling, or thinking. but he is still learning. i think i am happy now. kindof. still hard to be alone all the time. \\

dont know what to say about family right now. too damned confusing. i dont even want to try.

just one thing about greg c. i like to see him smile. am happy that he is feeling happy. cant have both...

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I'd stare too long
I'd probably break down and cry


Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine


She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by


Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine


Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Sweet child o' mine

i dunno what that was about, just felt like it. if u dont like it, then fuck u i dont give a shit.

still feel like cutting. my room is painted dark blue and grey now. at least matches what i am feeling. i think grey is lively color, and blue, full of feeling. what do u think?

i think i am going to go now. i think i might stay awake all night tonight. dont feel like sleeping. feel like thinking. i dont want to start dreaming again.
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Friday, November 24, 2006

dont know what to feel right now. i was happy a minute or two ago. then a short reply later, i feel odd and maybe even a little doubtful or regretful. no, actually. never regretful. tis the past, already, though has not been long. either way, the past is the past and it cannot be changed, but can only be accepted and dealt with. i suppose this might be the start of a new lesson for me to learn. i hope this one at least end a little better then that last one. but that is not for me to decide. i am praying that i have not messed this up, and i am leaving this situation to the universe. i am putting my faith in the good of this world and every other world. i still just dont know what to feel.......
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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

dont really kow what to say. i can still feel it. its been a few hours already. i cant still feel it. i guess its cuz i was hiding. people dont understand. they forgot already. im sorry. today......i dont know. something different i suppose. i guess i should just listen to what i said myself yesterday, and realize that there is nothing ever all okay. always something wrong, no matter what. i refuse to be brought down, and i refuse to stoop to their level. im sorry for this.

he has started now. the same as me before. no reason. felt happy. he is going to get as bad as me if he keeps going. why do i have to do this to everyone in my life? i wish he didnt do it. but maybe its part of the lesson he is to learn. i am going to keep this one a secret this time. it has been proven that nobody can actually help, though they think they can. nobody understands unless it happeneds to them. i am not going to take this in a bad way. if i do, i will contradict everything i have said.
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Thursday, November 16, 2006

i had an okay day. started very good. got a message from greg in the middle of class, and it made me smile. i went to see him at lunch. i got weird tho after. i went to my locker, then was going to go to the new corner by the outside, but i didnt get all the way outside. i saw travis and carly there holding eachother. james was there too. i just stopped and turned around and went the opposite way. i dont know how it felt. half of me wanted to go outside and say hullow. havent seen travis in a long time. but i think, more of me didnt want him to know that i saw him. i dont want to ruin what he and carly have together. they both seem to be pretty happy. and though i would not try to get them apart, i still would cause problems. not on purpose. i jsut mean, i might complicate things, if i show up and just say hi. there are so many things i cant do anymore, from fear of ruining someone else's life. whatever. it doesnt matter anymore. i jsut wanted to say that, cuz it was bugging me a bit.

on a good note, my dragon is almost done. simply needs to be cooked. i cant wait to see it. right now, i cant really keep tqlking, cuz i have to get off the computer for a while. byebyes everybody
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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

i only talk to my dad about the good things. thats what my mo said. yea, well guess what? if he knew about all the shit i have been doing and i have done,, he would never want to see me again. he already never sees me anyways, so i guess it would be much of a change. but i love him so much and i miss him and fuck, i dont know what to do. i almsot fucking started crying! i cant believe i almsot startedcrying in front of my mom!!!!!!!!1 fucking shit! whatever, fuck, i jsut need to stop crying. its not fucknig good for me. they might walk in and see. goodnight for now i guess..
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raymond, scott and i walked home together today after schoiol. twas fun. raymond is good at making up learics out of nowhere. scott and me creeped david parker out in art class.

was at choir all day. twas fun. and came back on sunday night from the koz weekend thing. twas fun aswell. good to be home. missed home.

good thing i never ran awaay from home ,like i wanted to like a year ago with travis. i really miss home alot when i leave now. might have regreted it. then again, i always have loved adventure.

had a good weekend at birdriver. the forst and hils were all covered in snow, just like the river. it was very amazing. the air was clear, and there was snow everywhere.


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Thursday, November 9, 2006

had interestingly odd day. got sad when greg said he wasnt going to chicago. reconcidered going myself after that. he is right. money could be used for something more important. still ade me sad. twas going to be super fun with him there. and at least i would not be alone. but it is for best. tis good that i dont always have someone watching out for me everywhere. i need to learn my own bouneries. twill be good for me to learn this, because its bad that i have started being a little dependant on greg for this.

yesterday i had an okay day. stayed home afteri got back from improv, and weent on the phon a bit. my dad called me. he said we can hang out during the week that he is in the city for work. that means i actually have a chance to see him more then once for a whole week!!!!!i am sooo excited. i cant wait.

tomorow i am leaving for the retreat. i cant wait. twill be much much fun i believe. josh and greg and bef are all going^^ i think pa might be going aswell. i want to go hiking. i hope i get to. i wonder if i will be trusted at all this weekend.......


i think i am very tired today. whatever. no difference. i have a bit of a headache again tho. the starting of one. i am talking with tasha now. usually i dont, but asked for my advice again, about travis. she sais that she still crazy bout him, and yea. i am trying to get her to leave him alone. it bad for both of them to talk at all, so living besides eachother is bad. i have no fucking idea why i am still trying to help him with anything and everything. its fucking dumb. he doesnt even know about any of it. now would he care. either way, i dont wanna talka bout that anyways.

the one thing that usually makes me very happy at school made me very sad and angry today. i was singing, in choir, and i got really sad. i unno. twas not a sad song. twas actually a very fast and happy song. either way, it doesnt matter. that jsut confused me, thats all.


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Wednesday, November 8, 2006

okay, so i am older now. doesn't feel like i am that much older. i had a fairly good day tho. made me all happy and giddy and such. got at least four or five big hugs from greg at school, and kairo spent most of the school day with me^^been kinda sad and depressed and thinking half of the day bout stuff that has been mentioned several ties today in fairly odd manners and distubing memories that for some reason or another make me a little sad. people, not things, actually. whatever. walked home with bret and greg after improv. i have noticed that i now too many greg's. 4, i believe, if my memory serves me right. probably more. but i mean 4 that i refer to the most. greg chaboyer-pitre, greg winters, greg witt and greg...okay, can only think of three. either way. still confusing. then again, not many people read this, and if they cannot figure out witch one, then thats fine, cuz this is for me to write what i am thinking. blegh. anyways, how was your day? what happened that was interesting or anything? did u have any different feelings today then any other day? any significant experiences?
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Sunday, November 5, 2006

feeling like shit, so just random songs im listening to....
its been a year daddy. i really really miss you. mommy said your safe now. in a beautiful place called heaven. it was only you and me. we were young and wild and free. even though i dont like carrots. now nothing can take u away from me. we've been down that road before. thats over now. cant u see me? love is all that i need. and i found it there in your heart. it isnt too hard to see. i carry a picture of us in my blues clues lunchbox. you are the greatest daddy. pick you up when your feeling down. now nothing can change what u mean to me. there is alot that i could say. just hold me now. i miss you pushing me. cant u see me? your all that i want. when your lying here in my arms. i miss how u used to tickle me. tickle my belly. i found it there in your heart. i try not to cry. i know u dont like it when i cry. mommy said its okay. love to come along. now our dreams are coming true. ill be standing by you. you never want me to be sad. i try daddy but it hurts. is it true you are not coming home? maybe some day. i can visit you in heaven okay? love is all that i need. i found it there in your heart. it isnt too heard to see. its time for me to go to bed now. i sleep with the light on. just incase u come home and kiss me goodnight. i love you so much. i miss you daddy. when i am down. and oh my soul so weary. when troubles come and my heart burdened me. you raised me up so i can stand on mountains. i am strong when i am on your shoulders. you raised me up to more then i can be. you raised me up so i can stand on mountains. you raised me up to walk on stormy seas. i am strong when i am on your shoulders. you raised me up to more then i can be. you raised me up so i can stand on mountains. you raised me up to walk on stormy seas. i am strong when i am on your shoulders. you raised me up to more then i can be. you raised me up so i can stand on mountains. you raised me up to walk on stormy seas. i am strong when i am on your shoulders. you raised me up to more then i can be. you raised me up to more then i can be. ten minutes ago i saw you. i looked up when u came through the door. my head started reeling you gave me the feeling the room had no ceeling or floor. ten minutes ago i met you and we murmured our how do you dos. i wanted to fling out my arms and to sing out thew news. i have found her she is an angel with the dust of the starts in her eyes. in the arms of my love i am flying over mountain and meadow and land. i may never come down to earth again. ten minutes ago i met you and we murmured our how do u do's. i wanted to ring out the bells and to fling out my arms and sding out the news. i have found her. i have found him. in the arms of my love i am flying over mountain and meadow and land and i like it so well that for all i can tell i may never come down to earth again. im going to be a mighty king. so enemys beware. im going to be the main even like no king was before. im brushing up im looking down, im working on my roar. oh i just cant wait to be king. noone say do this noone say be there. noone say stop that. we gonna trun around all day. well do it all my way. kings dont need advice from little hornbills for a start. oh i jsut cant wait to be king. whats wrong with world mama?only attracted by thing that will bring the trama. the bloods and the crypts and the kkk. only leave speace to discriminate. badness is what u demontrate. u gottta have love that will set us straight. people killing people dying. need some guidance from above. where is the love?
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i am going to go out with glenn today. going to pick a floor or something. learned to change a tire yesterday. the tire poped in the middle of the road because of a bolt missing in the brake pad, and it broke the tire rim. twas kinda fun. i got out and pushed. we had breakfast at l'hotel st.boniface. my uncle owns it. had lots fun. today he is going to drop me off at the mall for a couple hours. will be fun aswell. yestrday i got very emotional for some reason or another. i wrote an e-mail to travis not a love letter, or a hate letter, or an anything letter. just a thanks letter. pretty whacked-out right? anyways, i didnt send it. josh has been looking out for me in that way alot. and ive been looking out for him the same way. he told me to wait until i am calm again, then see if i still want it to be sent. i deleted it. he is teaching me how to live better. he is like my big brother. greg is the same. he is always looking out for me. i am singing now. felt like getting a little dressed up today. not really my clothes, but i put up my hair and am wearing a little makeup. mom keeps telling me to wear my ring on a different finger. i keep putting it back when she is not looking. i have a bit of a headache again. yesterday was worse. had odd dreams. kindof half nightmares at the same time. i dont know. whatever. i am going to go now. i have work to do here at home.
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