Saturday, August 22, 2009

i broke up with kurtis last night, then went to work, and guzzledd a bottle of wine there, then went to teasers and made some money, then picked up travis and went with him to gios, where we danced until closing, then we both left and walked around a bit so i could throw up and he could throw up, then we went to robins and he ate and i tried to drink an energy drink, then i threw upagain and staarted driving back to his place, where i basically had to be dragged inside i was stumbling and getting sick, and we passed out until nine this morning.....i feel so gross today!

i am not sure if i did the right thing breaking up with kurtis. i know i need some time alone and all but he was such a sweetheart. he has changed so much for me to make me happy, and he was making me happy. i love his little girl, and i have so much fun with him. but i need to concentrate on myself now. but if ever i want him again it will never be the same. i dont know what to do. i miss him already and i know i cant go back to him, and i know i wont be happy if i do right now anyways because i really do need the time alone. but i miss him....
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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

sitting here staring at my scars along with all other many flaws and imperfections, i wonder why anyone would bother trying....
why nobody could ever settle for what little bit of myself that i will allow them, and leave me to drown in the blue manic world i live in.....
for the many time i have been used for their own carnal cravings, you would think they would allow me that little shred of hope......
hope that even if my pride and happiness have already been compromized, i will always have the secrets in my heart to comfort me....
i will always have my own little world to escape to, where nobody else understands the language....
nobody but him...........
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saw him yesterday. had such a good day the whole day and night, until i saw kurtis. why does he put me in a bad mood all the time lately? well, whatever. prolly just me. i miss him soo much....
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Thursday, June 25, 2009

I don't know how to tell him that i am looking for something different. something other than this life i have made myself in the past year. so much has happened since grad i am not sure how to take it all in. i think that i am in need of a big change, soon. i am still not so sure what to do though. i don't want to be alone, but i don't want to belong to someone in such an exclusive way that i feel like i am married off already. i am thinking about moving to toronto or somewhere far away but not too far so that i can't be with my family. i want to give this life up, and go to calgary to start a job as a flight attendant or something. anything. I just dont know what to do. i am crazy about kurtis but i am not sure about love. i dont know what love is anymore. i was always so sure i knew, but after aaron, everything seems so blurred. then after everything happened so fast . i didn't know what love was anymore. i didn't know why i felt the way i did after it ended. i knew that my feelings for shaun were nothing but slight affection, and a little bit of curiosity. and andrew? i just wanted to make him better. i had but only a glimps of his crazy mind and i thought i could help him fix it and be happy. well, once again , for all my intentions, i only made things worse. and now kurtis? well i am not even sure how to describe that yet, but i dont think it will take long to figure it out. its not very complicated. i know i am going to end up hurting him too. i just hope that all my work does not go to waste, and that he does not go back to what he was before me. i want him to be happy, just like i wanted for all of them.

even now i cant stop thinking about travis, even if most if not all of my friends hate him i have not seen for a while, and i would love to. i dont want to be with him, and i wouldn't dare try even if i did. my life is complicated enough, all because of my own doings, i know. but i have been thinking about it lately, why is it that i am always thinking of him? he started my chain of downhill choices. i cant blame it on him, but i can admit that our relationship and the power over and effect he had on me had alot to do with it. i can barely stand to think of who i used to be, in comparison to what i have become. i miss the simple days of walking in the moonlight with who i thought to be the love of my life, in my young childs mind, and driving in a fast car with someone who made my heart race, and wrestling around in the grass with my bunny, wondering if he could ever feel the way i do. its unbelievable how many people i thought i was meant for in the past. people whom i thought were meant for me. It was stupid, i know. now, thought i wont even try to know for sure, i think that i am not meant for anyone. i think that i am meant to meet new people and change lives. up to now it has only been for the worse, but hopefully ill learn to make people change for the better in the futur.
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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful......

i miss my best friend, but i cant blame this on him or anyone but myself. he seems pretty happy with his gf tho, so i am happy for him. i just miss rubbing his little belly and hugging him around the waist. lol wow am i ever stupid.

broke up with shaun. thats okay tho. i think ill be happy enough single. have been before.

moving out on saturday. with andrew. he is cool. i jsut hope things dont go wrong with this. i jsut hope i can keep from trusting him. i dont want another best friend situation like before. dont really wanna be able to live through that.

i know that i have pissed off alot of people by cutting in the past, but i honestly dont know why they hate it so much. aaron drinks, greg gets high and drinks, shaun is just emo, and everyone just all of them have some way of doing their own thing. this is my thing. why cant anyone just accept me for it? i am not trying to sound emo and bitch about people not accepting me, but holy fuck, just get over it aready even if you dont like it.

im still constantly thinking of travis, every day. how fucking stupid am i? i mean, its over. he is not even in the same city. and even if he was here, there is no way anything would ever work out. i dont even know if i would want it to. i just miss seeing his face. i mean, when he was here, i got to see him every once in a while.

josh has been talking to me alot lately. he kissed me a few times too. i dont know how to react to that. i am not stupid enough to trust him again. i know he is just fucking with me and wants to get laid. thing is, i am fucking with him too. i dont want to get laid. for some reason, that has become much less important to me since i me and aaron broke up. guess its not the same. either way, i dont know what to do about josh. i dont wanna fuck with his head, but i honestly dont know what i want now. i mean, i cant trust him, just like i cant trust shaun. so there is no way i could ever grow to love him in the way that i should to be with him. ive not stopped loving either of them since the first time i felt it, but i mean, its a more kinda friend love. its not the same as travis, and definetly not the same as aaron.

....wow....i jsut read over this and realized how fucking emo it is.....lol oh well. nobody ever reads this anyways.
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Thursday, July 24, 2008

well, i found a new way to make money.............
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Monday, May 26, 2008

i cant control myself. i can excape this hell. i fucking love you, and thats whats killing me. i keep trying to leave but i cant . i am so fucking stupid for staying here with you and bring there for you. i want you to stop fucking hurting me you fucking ass hole! i fucking love you and i cant fucking tell if you love me or hate me or jsut dont care whether or not i am alive! i want to know that truth@1 i dont want you to lie to me please dont make me leave. i dont want you to be just like them and i dont want to be the stupid whore that keeps coming back. i miss you so much and why arent you talking to me when i cant think of anyone but you! what the fuck did i do to deserve this?!
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Wednesday, May 7, 2008

am i forever to be this plagued by the thought of you? am i always going to want you, even when you are all wrong for me? it has been so long , it seems to me. why does it not end? why do i keep letting you hurt me? why do i keep caring that i hurt you? why do i yearn for your touch, your scent? i don't understand what is wrong with me, why it all wont just go away. i have had a few lovers since you. i am not ashamed of it, because each of them i have loved in my own way. i am not a whore, and you know that to be true, even if when you are mad at me you tell me differently. i miss you so, and wish u were near to hurt me. wish you could be a real man for once and hurt me to my face, instead of make my heart swell up with the sound of your sweet, soothing lies. you asked me to live with you, and in truth, i still think about that night, and about the promises you made me. truth or lies, they echo in my head, repeating, filling me with hope and fear. i do not understand why it is you that i love so much. i do not know if this is love, or a mere obsession. maybe i am making it all up in my head, dramaticizing a small love affair. i dont kow what it is, but please, if you have found a way to keep yourself from thinking of me, tell me how you did it, because i am slowly but surely loosing my mind....
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Saturday, March 22, 2008

you will always be my sweetheart. you will always be different than the rest. you will always be my one and only exception. you will always be on my mind and in my heart. you will always be the one i want next to me. even if you are not always there for me.
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Tuesday, November 6, 2007

my grades are going down............
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