Saturday, November 4, 2006

y is that?
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Thursday, November 2, 2006

everyone has been so miserable today, and for good reason, but i dont know why, but i am unaturally happy. there are so many problems right now in my life. with my mom. with the entire family really. with school. with not having work. i have barely even talk to mika since she got back, and i havent seen her at all. really sucks. still not being talked to by travis, wich is fine. dont get to spend much time at all with greg, once again because of the family. but we can tough it out. i stopped cutting for the thousanth time. this time because my parents keep checking. anyways, yea i think i am going to go, because me and glenn are going to go for a walk tonight. nighty night everyone. hope u had a good day^^
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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

in the library now. feeling a little neglected and ignored. nothing too interesting or seriouse. dont really know waht else to say. trying to kep up the defenses, but she aint listening to me, aparently. sucks. trying to keep him happy. he is happy with carly, now, i think. not sure, havent really talked to him since. but he should be pretty happy i think. i dont want her to ruin that, so i keep trying to get her to leave him alone. whatever. it doesnt matter.

greg coming to school at 3:45 to show me his new kitten. i am kinda sad right now. not about that, just about something. i am not sure what really. i am really confused at moment. i got dressed up all freaky with black markup and a long black skirt and a red shirt and such. lol, nobody thought anything of it, because i am always dressed like the freak that i am, so they didnt take notice. whatever. i am just tired i think. i want to go to sleep for a week. wich is very odd, because i have been sleeping alot lately. seems the more i sleep, the more tired i become. that cannot possibly be normal.

hoping to talk to my kitten tonight, before he goes to bed. have been gone for a while, and havent talked to him alot lately, so i miss him. he helped me lots and lots before when everything was going weird and wrong. i happy for him to be my friend.

i keep staring at this ring. i dont know really what i am thinking, it is meant to bring me hope. i dont know.

i have been getting my headaches alot again lately. the seem worse then last time i had them. i mean before i they went away for that couple of monthes. they are back now. three or four times a day. i have decided to no take anything for them, because it doesnt seem to help. i only wish school wasnt so loud and outside so bright all the time. lol. anyways, whatever. not the end of the world.

i am trying to get my notes up a bit. they are not too too bad, but i could do better. i will keep trying.

i am going to go now, because i have boreded people out already, adn that only if they made it past the first sentence, wich i doubt. goodbye everyone. have a happy haloween.
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Sunday, October 29, 2006

i think i started again. thats not so good. my door is off again. and mu knuckles hurt a little bit. two doors off, one remains. the bars are still there. i dont know what to say. dont wnt to cry. fuck you. goodbye.
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Friday, October 27, 2006

sleepily content and satisfied with how my day went. that is how i am. i acually know this time. or at least, its what i think. i have had a pretty good day. very sleepy. smiling enough tho. cant wait to have a bed. then i can sleep in it like i was thinking. curl up under a big blanket and just smile until i fall asleep. i think i am going crazy. lol. anyways, goodnight people..
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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

mother fucking peice of shit i fucking hate you why cant u just leave me the fuck alone and grow up holy gucking shit what the fuck is the matter with me fuck i want to fucking die and cut and scream and cry and fucking hell just leave me alone!
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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

i dont expect anyone to understand this, or what brought it on. dissapointing. unfullfilled. i dont know how to decribe what i think the rest of my life will be. i dont know of anything i could amount to. i am not brave enough to fight in a war. if i did go to war, i would probably die a shameful, pointless death. i would not do any good. i want my chance to make a difference.life is not like a movie. someone like me cant change lives. what about just one life? even then, not by much. people all around me say so much, exaggerate so much, jsut like i do. it doesnt matter. i am an idiot, and everyopne knows i cant do shit about it, so fuck off.
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there are so many people upset with me now. i hate it. at least greg isnt. at least not that i know of. he helped me alot this weekend. but he is a little sad right now. his minou died this week and its horrible cuz he's had her for so long. i am not going to be able to talk to him till later tonight. i saw travis today. walking from my school with carley. first time ive seen him in a while. whatever. applied at a couple places today. i really want to get a job. i miss working. lol. anyways, i had a wonderful weekend and the franklin graham festival was amazing and life-changing and i loved it and yea. went to koz yesterday. had a long talk with josh. kinda ran away for a little while. whatever. doesnt really matter i suppose. havent talked to alex in a while. kinda sucks. dont know what else to say, so i am going to go now. have a good day.
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Friday, October 20, 2006

wont be home until tuesday. leaving for a few days again. tis the franklin graham festival this weekend. i think it will be fun. i hope anyways. i dont know what to say right now. i am not feeling well. i dont know what is wrwong wityh me. i dont think it is physical. i dont know. i have to go. dont wanna say anything too stupid. byes for now, i think. whatever. bye.
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Thursday, October 19, 2006

my friends list seems a little empty now. i guess that odd thing to say. i have i think around ten people or something. i used to have thirteen. it does not matter i suppose. you seem to have forgotten me already. you lied to me? i can never be sure of that now, i suppose. i am not wishing for things to be as they used to be. i only wish things didnt have to end up this way, thats all. you no longer exist on here, i know that. thats fine. or on msn. that doesnt matter either. but you keep popping up everywhere. your sweater is in my closet, hanging on a hanger. it still smells like you. your shirt is in my drawer. your necklace, in the jewlery box your mother gave me, on my dresser. i dont know what to do with it all. now that i know how u feel, for you have made it pretty clear, i know that they are mearly objects. i still cant get myself to put on that sweater though. when i was angry, i thought of burning it. later on, i thought of just giving it back to you. but then i thought, that would require seeing you. so, now i still dont know what to do with it. i guess they will go wherever they are meant to. i only wish i knew where that was now. whatever. it doesnt matter.

i was going to write this on my other one, but now that u have seem to dissapeared, i dont care one way or another. even if u hadnt. i would rather jusut tell the truth.

i am happy with greg. we talk about everything till all hours. we are going to see a movie tomorow. mom sais we are not allowed to date, but she still lets us see eachother with groups and stuff. he is turning 19 two weeks and a day(i think, but not good in math) after i turn 16. i cant wait to turn 16. life is flying by so fast. and ive stopped cutting. there is no particular reason. i still want to often enough, but i dont do it anymore. i still want to cry, and i still have my messed up feelings. if anything, they have gotten worse. but i am learning now, to deal with them properly. i think this might actually work. not only with greg, but with my life. i am beggining to find my balance. i am getting better. and i love it. i am growing up. it sucks. i am miserable most of the time. but in two years, i will have my freedome. from everything. thats as long as i stay smart and dont get into a car accident , or get myself pregnant, or something like that. not that i dont want a baby. just not quite yet. some women are ready by this time. i am not. i want to live a little more first. either way, doesn't matter right now.

if you were reading this, you would probably say something like i am happy you are forgetting me, or something like that i think. well, just to make it clear, i am not in any way forgetting you. i talk about you to greg all the time. nobody else really. i talk to greg about everything now. he is the first person i have trusted in years. it feels good. and i am not exaggerating this time. most people, they dont have faith in me. never. frank and anna dont trust me and greg alone together in the same room. thing is, sex is an option, not an obligation. they dont think could make the right choice. him, because he is three years older then me, and when u are 19, you have a different set of rules(or so my mom sais), and i have been making quite a few bad choices lately. but i dont care. its jsut a minor annoyance, thats all. elizabeth doesnt trust us either. nobody does. my mom is starting to trust me more tho. thats makes me very happy. i just hope i dont mess it up this time. i stopped sneaking out. and ive been telling mom the truth alot more. i am still hiding my feelings from everyone, but i dont care. thats jsut who i am. i am not going to forget you. no matter what u think. whether or not you will forget me or not. and hey, maybe one day u will talk to me again. or maybe not. either way, i hope you the best. i still pray for you. even if u probably will not ever read this, it feels good to say. you never even let me finnish my sentence last time we talked:P

anyways, i think i am going to go for now. i dont really have anything else to say at the moment.
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