Tuesday, October 17, 2006

in my lala land i will be and i shall have fun, but not yet. i do not want u out of my life, and even if i did, would be pretty pointless, since i hear of you so much, from everyone. it does not matter if u are furiouse with me, because all i know is that i am not in any way angry at you. you can hate me, you can be angry at me, u can wish me to hell. i will never do more then pray for you and wish for the best for you. although i have given up on certain hopes concerning you, i have not given up on all. i still hope for the best for you, and i still hope that one day you will find your true path and be happy.
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i am not harsh. i simply do not wish to lie anymore. the truth is harsh, i will give u that. you are right, cutting does sound pretty phenominal. how about how you treated me? or all the other girls? are you going to start cutting again? or have u already? if u have, then u are lucky. i am making myself wait. at least for a little while. thinking, that maybe it will go away. i have not slept much in the past little while. i am not going to feel bad for you. i used to. that was until i knew it would serve no use to pity you. you pity yourself enough for the both of us. i don't believe you anymore, when u tell me anything. i love you? yeah, right. if you loved me, you would have found a way to prove it. and you know what? sur you say u gave up oh so much for me. bull shit. what about what i gave up for you? my mother doesnt trust me. i have become a person i hate. i snuck out and lied and hid from everyone. i lost my trust in absolutely everyone. whatever. that doesn't matter. twas a lesson i had to learn. i am not happy without you now. but i am even less happy with you. i hate myself when i am with you. i am getting a little better, with the help of my friends and family and greg. i am still not trusting anybody much at all, but i am beginning to trust greg. at least i was, until my mind was reminded of what happened when i trusted you. will he leave? will he cheat on me? what does he want from me? ha. i hate what my mind has become aswell. it never stops. thoses questions are what scare the sleep from my eyes at night. well, that is my own problem. yo never feel bad for me. for the trouble that you party caused in my life. for my painful isolation from my own family. for my continuouse unexplained cutting. what about all of that? like i said, it doesnt matter. i am just happy i am now free, to actually be able to grow up, and stop being such a child. to work harder then i ever have, just so i can be trusted a little more by my family. to actually contribute to my family and friends and the people in my life that i really care about. every relationship is give and take. i am ready to grow up now. i have learned my lesson. i wonder if you'll ever be ready to grow up.....?
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Monday, October 16, 2006

i dont care what u say or think. i have been completely blind. you dont love me and u never did. i was right the whole time. i awnted to think only good of you. i lied to everyone because i believed in you. i have never felt so dissapointed in my life. not of you. of myself. i cant believe some of the things ive done. i hate it. fuck, i am an idiot. i now spend sleepless nights thinking of just how much u meant to me, and of how much i thought i meant to you. i don`t think that part matters anymore. what matters is that i really will not make that same mistake again. you can hate me, wish for me to burn in hell. that is a wonderful thing. you told me you would always love me and never get over me, never would forget me. you are about to do what u did to me, to a close friend of mine. thats fine, its her choice. but can`t you see that everything you told me was a lie? if it wasnt, you would have done something. you never did. never. i am not mad at you, nor do i hate you. i am angry at myself, and hate the person i have become. you would not have stayed. if something would have happened, you would not have stayed. i dont know if u really did believe that u loved m, or if u knew you were lying, but either way, you know now that i was right, and the only person it has been hurting the most is me. i can't sleep. i can't think. i want to cry all the time. not because of you. because of my own choices. i am happy we are apart. i know now there was a reason i was always angry with you. you and i dont belong together , and we never did. as for my no-longer-ex, i am not saying i love him, or that he loves me, but he doesn't lie to me. and i am not lying to him. i am actually always telling him the truth. he knows about all of it, and we are actually working at everything together, instead of me trying to make things work, and you fucking about with other girls. i am not scared of you anymore. you are no longer any danger to me. i see now who you are, and what u can do to me. wich isnt much anymore. i am stupid, it took me almost a year and a half to figure it out, while it should taken only a minute. i saw the good in you, and i hate myself for it, because once i saw that little flickre of hope, i let my imagination take over. i am very sorry i had to make that particular mistake, but i suppose everything happens for a reason. right now, i dont care. i jsut want to stop thinking. i am not upset over what happened between you and i, because it was meant to happen. i am upset over the risk i took, almost loosing the one who actually trusts me, and whom i know i can trust. i never could trust you. not your fault, you never understood that u have broke n my trust so many times. sometimes, if u break something more then once, it is unfixable. i am hoping that what is left inside of me is still able to somehow be fixed, and that i can one day go back to giving a real smile once in a while, instead of forcing one out. i wish u the best of luck in your life. i would ask you to try and not hurt carly, but i wont. its her choice what she does, not mine. im sorry for everything, but then again, you should be too. not the stupid little childish sorry u say when u think i am angry. i dont think ive ever heard a sincear sorry out of you. i mean a sorry that is not meant to make only yourself feel better. well, either way, thats life, and you are who u are, and i am who i am. i doubt you will read this, and i dont really care. i am jsut happy its all over, so i can finally stop being so blind. so that i can see again. so that i can live again, without fear of anything coming up behind me and stabbing me in the back.

did u know? i have almsot completely stopped lying to my mom, and we are getting along great. oh, and technically, i am not dating him, because i told mom about him and she thinks i am still too young to date, so she tol me to wait. she lets me hang out with him though, and it is pretty much as dating. we hold hands and watch movies and he makes me smile alot, and we talk for hours and hours about absolutely everything, and it feels wonderful. we are not sneeking around, or keeping anything from mom. or anybody. we dont put up false pretenses, nor do we keep much of anything from eachother. we are not perfect together. there are quite a few things we still dont know about eachother, and a few things we dont agree on, but it doesnt matter. i am not going to rush anything this time. there is nothing we have done that i couldnt do with him in front of my mother, wich means nothign much but held hands and hugged and cuddled and give litte kisses here and there. it feels good not to have to fake a smile all the time. he likes it when i smile, i think , but he doesnt want me to fake smile. he can tell if something is wrong. if he knows something is wrong, he will not just say, well, whatever, he will ask me over and over again, until i admit finally that something is wrong. then we wil start talking again for hours at a time. i dont know if this will last, nor do i know if it will turn out well. i do know that its real this time. its not in my head at all. its actualy real. it scares me more then anyhting ever has before. i am always scared now. and i hurt so much. but its as if it hurts good. i am not hurting like i did before. if i feel that kind of pain again, i talk to him, and i go right through the pain, where it hurts the most, and helps me through, and instead of hiding of ignoring it, i go through it. it feels wonderful afterwards. i can feel alot more now then i did before. my whole life feels amazingly real. and i love it. i might start cutting again. i have wanted to. i keep stopping myself, since i am not home, but once i go back home, i think i will start again, with alll that is going on. that is real too. some people cry, others use soemthing else. that is my something else. i am not sneeking around anymore. i dont lie to mom anymore. i think things might get better for me. now, all i want the most, is to developpe a relationship with god, and stop running from him. i want to find him, and i want to get better completely. beauty, truth, freedome and love. that is what i believe in most now. i think i always have. ive wanted freedome ever since i could remeber, and i see beauty everywhere in this world. i yearn for truth so much. to give the truth, aswell as recieve it. and love, well, love is something i have always, and will always believe in. during this past little while, with all these event, i did not believe in it much anymore. i figured it was made up. my faith had grown weak, but it is strong again. and i will work hard not to ever let it weaken again.
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Monday, October 9, 2006

i wish i never would have read that...i have been so blind, and i hate myself for it....my life is changing....i don't know what to say anymore.....this is all so different then i expected.....i dont know what to say.....this is for real.....this isnt lies anymore....i will try to keep up with truth....i dont want to lie to even my parents anymore.....i am really scared....but i will not show it on my face.....i am scared......in a good way.....this is different.....but better......i want to learn to be a better person....i want to be happy now.....i dont want to cut......i dont want to want to cut.....i dont want to sneek around or lie.....i want to grow up....i dont want to be a child anymore.....i hate it soo much......being a child is what hurts......i am fucking up my life......i am going to make it better.....ive always said i would, but i never did........now i am going to make my life better, and make myself better....i am no longer hiding from everyone.....there is one now, that is begining to pull of this retched mask.....i am scared....but only because i am not scared....i am confused....because it does not hurt.....i dont know what else to say....thank you.....so much....it took a long time....but i learned my lesson.....goodbye for now.....
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Sunday, October 8, 2006

a lump in the throat signifies something that needs to be said, or something that has been said that you shouldn't have said. nothing i have said i regret, i dont think. and i dont know what i should say. i have an idea of what i could say that might be it. i dont know if it is necissary though. i dont know. it was suggested that i meditate on this, and seek guidance on the subject. to really think hard about it. i hope i realize what it is, because the lump in my throat has been there for a long enough time, that it is getting worse, for example, i feel as if i can barely breath right now.
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Thursday, October 5, 2006

i cant really say what i feel today. i dont really feel anything. once again, as always , i feel numb. arent i booring as hell? he said that once. said that i always bitch abuot the same things. said that i dont have real problems, that i make them up. maybe he was right. maybe he has been right all along, and me wrong. whatever. i dont give a fuck. stop reading this. i dont want you to read this. she is gone again. she ran away. miserable. fuck! i am numb. i cant feel anything. i am not scared, although i should be, with everything coming up. i am not confused even thought people are confusing me with absolutely everything they say. fuck, i must be an idiot. ii am not happy, because i never want to smile. although i have a lump in my throat all the time, i am not sad. i think about all of it, over and over again. it keeps replaying in my mind. not as if it is actually happening, but as if its a movie. i dont know why. its odd, but i dont give a fuck about that either. i dont really want to talk to anyone, or see anyone, or anythnig like that. i dont really wanna be alone etiehr. whatever. life is life. i love life, even whenits like this. i think i do......do i? either way, it doesnt matter. bye.
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Tuesday, October 3, 2006

i will not stop myself from crying this time. i am going to go out tonight. i am going to stay outside. i know its going to be cold. doesnt matter. i cant be inside. i want to go to the forest. i want to be alone. i dont want to mess up anyone's life again. i hate this. i am scared. i want to cry. i want to run. i want to be warm. i was almost gone. i am not gone. i wan almost gone. leave me alone, please. i am scared. i dont want to be here. i still have not learned rational though/....
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i have no idea what to say. really. i have no idea how i feel, or how i should react. i have done what i think is best. i can't do any more then that. all i can do now, is try to move on, and learn my lessons. i have learnd not to get close to anybody that way. i have hurt the whole family. i have become someone i hate. i think, that is what i am going to try and correct. i am not going to be as foolish as to tell anyone of my feelings, or of what i want. neither are important right now. i am hurting people. i should never have to hurt anyone for the sake of my own dumbass feelings. it doesnt matter anymore. i am going to keep myself hidden, and safe. i am giong to keep others just a little safer by doing so aswell. she told me that she loves him. she is full of shit. she is lying. i already know that. but i also know that she is right when she tells me that i am hurting him. i guess she doesnt know how much he has hurt me. but that doesnt matter. she is right. i am hurting everyone in that family, and i refuse to do it any longer. i am nothing but a whore. i am useless. i am a lier! fuck you and leave me alone! its for your own fucking damned good!
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Saturday, September 30, 2006

you really dont get it. not even close. have a fucking feeling? omg! you dont know at all. this would have changed my life arouind compeltely. i would have lost absolutely everything, aand gotten something completely different. fuck you. it was a fucking detail to you. you didnt even care long enough to listen for five fucking minutes. and its your own fucking fault this time! not mine! its not my fucking fault! for once in my fucking life! you are just like them. they are just like you. i have been running away from them long enough, now u are them! fuck you! dont fucking blame it on me again. dont fucking try to guilt your own fucking way, cuz its not going to work on me. i may be a fucking push over, but you are not going to win this time.fuck you. leave me alone.
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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

more boringness i suppose. from my end, i mean. seems now that tis all happening again, the same thing is happening. i spent the day literally about half in smiles, and the other with tears begging to spill from my cold eyes. actually, since i have ever seen what my eyes are like when i am wering my mask, then i would not know if they really look cold or not. from behind my mask, all i could think of are current situations, how they have worsened or bettered, mostly worsened. my own fault, i have to admit. but i think, that while i have let theses little things go, sinking like this, as if i had chained myself to a rock at the bottom of the ocean, as the tide came in and left me with no escape from the salty tears that surround me, hs at least gotten me to think of what i could do better, now. ofcourse, i have thought many times of many good things. problem has always been in the executing of such plots, thinkings, whatever u wish to call them. i really do hope i can fix at least some of these problems soon, because i have a friend that is in great need of my help. okay, so maybe not the fixing of such problems i am thinking of, but at least the supressing of certain feelings. that is not the right word. more like ignorig of such feelings, or hiding them, until it is time to acnoledge them. i cannot help anyone if i can't get my own fears and emotions under control. if i leave them out of control as they have been for much longer, i will not be able to hide them as well anymore. i shall have to wright that particular wrong. i dont really know what much to say anymore. i cant talk now. goodbye.
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