Wednesday, September 27, 2006

im sorry for everything. already, then fighting. my part, im afraid to admit. i miss you. im crazy. we are both crazy. sleep sweet.
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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

dont really know what to say today either, guess i am really boring when i write theses things huh? whatever. i am cold today, but thats jsut cuz i am keeping my window open. had a good morning. a pretty wonderful morning actually. i wanted so desperately show it to her but i couldnt, i know that. still do. so careful the whole time. miss you. this is not normal. going again to the place. i hate glenn. fuck, he is fucking annoying. i want to leave. i dont want to come back anbymore. fuck you! that bitch actually called. i yelled at her.she can go to hell. fuck off.
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Sunday, September 24, 2006

dont really know what to say anymore. doesnt know. none of em. whatever. no tears. no fears. no stsupid assumtions. no hopes either. really dont know what to say. to the average person, this wil be but gibbereish, that makes no sense whatsoever. are you average? are you red or blue? spring or autum? high or low? goodbye or hello? good or bad? fast or slow? are you the ocean or the sea? the river or the pond? are you the trees or the grass? howabout the words or the letters? the minutes or the seconds? what are you?
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Saturday, September 23, 2006

i got caught. went to colin's b-day party. mom thought i was working. i got caught. probably grounded forever and will have to quit my job, but i dont care. i was actually proud of myself, not that i would ever let on to my parents. not for the whole sneeking out thing. just because i did not get drunk, i did not sleep around, i did not smoke or do drugs at all. i could have dont all of that. it was right there staring me in the face, and i didnt even have the slitest urge to do any of it at all. i had a wonderful, although dramatic night. i am today working for mom in the house for the party for my tante's wedding thing. i will be working my ass off all day, and i will be happy and nice to everybody. not very hard tho today. for some reason or another, i am still wonderfully happy after everything that has happened, in the past couple of days, in the past few mothes, or even in the past year. i donthtink that can be natural. maybe ther is something wrong with me? i am not even worrying yet about....everything. i mean, jsut everything. whatever. i don't care. even thought nobody else is, i am proud of myself, because i was there with all the drama, and with coming home and being yelled at right away, and keeping my emotions hidden all the time, and keeping a stright face and everything. i dont care what u think of me! i did it. its the past now, but at least i know for sure, that i am not as weak and pathetic and stupid as everyone seems to think i am. it was not the best nigh, alot of bad stuff happened, and i kindof wish i could have made her feel better, cuz she felt so guilty about all of it, but all in all, it was a great first party for me. lo, i guess its probably also the last party for me in a long while. i am so dead after tonight^^
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Monday, September 18, 2006

i think i had a pretty productive day at school today. felt very mature. then came home. blah. whatever. i caught up on my notes, finished translating four pages of english into french for my ligne de tempsdid both my french homework pages and my chimie homework, and tomorow either i am going to be completely done one of my bio projects that are due on friday. i think thats okay for at least one day anyways. i might be wrong. anyways, now, getting off the subject of school...

at home, i feel like a child again. except, that is not a good thing. i am treated like a child, but expected to prove myself as an adult. i am neither. i want to prove myself and be rid of this judgment for good, but i don't know how. i guess that means i am not ready? or jsut not trying hard enough? i want to start driving. i want to do well in school. i want to be all that is expected of me. actually, no, since alot of people expect me to give up and give in to my past failures, repeting them orm making them worse. i just want to be a child my parents could be proud of. for once in my life. i am nothing to be proud of at the moment. i really want to change that. i used to be proud of my writing. not anymore. seems i have stopped that completely. either way, in this place, my writing is nothing special in any way. at least over there i could stick out a little bit. you know, be in at least the smallest way, special or original? i have to go. whatevre. bye.
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Saturday, September 16, 2006

jsut some thing
When you first left me I was wanting more
But you were doing that girl next door, what ja do that for
When you first left me I didn’t know what to say
I never been on my own that way, just sat by myself all day

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end
Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

Whenever you see me you say that you want me back
And I tell you it don't mean jack, no it don't mean jack
I couldn't stop laughing, no I just could help myself
See you messed up my mental health I was quite unwell

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end
Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalala

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala..

don't really know what to say about this. so what do you think? i think, all of this, is a song. i hope to God that it is a song. and i hope that it was found . i don't know what to sy right now. i really don't know. but, as i doubt that anyone wil read this, then i will simply talk on and on about unimportant pointless things then. where to start? i woke up this night, at 5:00pm. i guess i slept in a bit^^. whatever. i have been walking around since then. inside the house, ofcourse. i am going to work tonight. don't really want to. i dojn't mind working, but i will not have any friends with me. joe, romeo, ben, linzie, they will not be there. why is it, that alot of the time, i feel as if i have no friends at all? i know differently. kairo and alex andkitten and greg and bef and josh, and alot more,. i have a bunch of friends. but i never feel like it. so, tell me. how do i get rid of this misleading feeling of being completely abandoned and alone? i've tried to get rid of it myself, but it doesn't seem to work. i dont really know to say that i am misfortunate. i have everything. i have friends. i have family. i am neither poor nor am i in such a class that i would be expected to behave a certain way. i am the luckiest girl in the world. i have everything. am i just selfish? is that why i feel as if i dont have any of what i jsut said? do i take such things for granted then? i would not be surprised. i have taken things for granted before. i don't care how it is explained, and i don't care if it makes me out to be the fucking devil. i jsut want to understand. anyone care to try and explain?
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Saturday, September 9, 2006

you are a corps waiting to die. so am i. i have lost all feeling. why is that, do you know? i don't feel angry at anyone. i should. i don't regret any of it. i probably should regret most of it, if not all of it. i don't feel particularly sad or happy about it. it just...is. its just a fact of life now. the morning it happened, i remeber feeling dazed. happy even. the next day(yesterday) felt miserable as hell. today i dont really feel anything. and i am guessing that yestrday i was miserable mostly because of not sleeping(all-nighter that morning). i guess that probably makes no sense to anyone, and i dont really care. the main thing i am feeling right now is melancholy. i miss him. Mika is leaving tomorow. i want to see her again before she does. i am going to miss having her around. i hope she is happier there then she was here. i have not spoken to either, and i hate it. right now, i could be my usual self and say just fuck off and leave me alone, but instead i will say nothing. i refuse to get mad at someone else, for something that i did. have a good day. i will hope, for your sake, that it is not too eventful. goodbye.
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Wednesday, September 6, 2006

starting school today. probably will be writing again at some point today. dont really know what to say. so i am not going to say anything. goodbye.
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Monday, September 4, 2006

just got back from work. last latenight for a while. had fun. usual manager called in sick, so ben filled in. we had fun together, as always. and romeo is on vacation for about a week, and the guy that is supposed to replace him did not show, so we had a very busi night, cuz we had to all pitch in and help joe, but that was fun too^^anyways, im kinda tired, but i am not going to sleep today. i want to be extra tired tonight and go to sleep around 9 so that i can get into the routine of sleeping at night instead of during the day.

i know none of this has anything to with anything, or is at all important, but i cant really talk about real things right now. i dunno why. i can try tho. this morning, i was for some reason very angry at everyone. i think it had a reason, but i dont remeber now. i feel a little sad now. not angry. jsut sad. and confused. and stupified. and very melancolic. many more thing, but cant explain really. i am not going to try to explain. i am jsut going to go. im sorry everyone. goodbye.
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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

i just got back from work. i brought breakfast, but as always, i took one bite, then started thinking, and now i am throwing it out, and feeling like throwing up. dont really know what to say. cant really say antyhing on here. i am making myself keep it secret. dont want to mess things up for them. whatever. i feel sick. i want to cry. i hate them. i was fucking right. i hate this. i think i might do it again. all again, when it has finally went away, start it again. i can't keep writing on here really. i dont know what to say. i dont know what i can say. i dont want to say. thats a lie. i do want to say. i wont say. fuck them. i have to go.
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