Saturday, August 26, 2006

just woke up. didnt sleep eysterday. was told to, but didnt. lol. came home after going to the mall around 7 ish and fell asleep straight away. slept till 5 this morning. this is going to make working nights hard again. im on normal people's routine again. oh well, ill jsut pull another allnighter at some point. lemme think. juts stay normal until i pull a late night tonight, sleep around 3 am, then tomorow, pull all nighter and get back into sleeping days routine. anyways yea. i had fun at the mall with kairo and thomas. we went to see accepted. it was better then i would have thought. lol, me and kairo gave it a 7.5 out of ten, so that good. anwyays, yea, i am going to go now. ever since i woke up this morning ive been cleaning, and hopeully, if mom wakes up soon, i can start the laundry. its almost 8 am. i am soooo bored. can u tell? lmao. anyways, yea, i am fairly happy this morning, although there are still some things that are really bothering me. i dont reall yknow what else to say. byebyes. have a good day.
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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

i think im a little creeped out. i got asked out by two guys in the same morning, one through drive-tru and the other walking home. both were significantly older then me, one by probably 5-10 years, and the other10-20 years. one has been passing by me every morning, and keeps offering me a ride home. thats the older one. the other come every night in drive thru. he doesnt creep me out as much. i also met two young women this morning, right after talking to willie(the older guy). they were worried about me cuz they saw me talking to him, and he had offered them a ride a few times too, and scared them, and they saw me walkngi every morning, so they offered me a ride home too. i didnt accept any rides home except from my mom. i told her a little bit about it, and she freaked out, so i told her i will be walking a different way home now. she doesnt want me walking anymore, so we are to discuss it tonight. ive personally decided to start carrying my knife again. it doesnt help much, and i dont know how to use it, but it makes me feel better. anyways, i have been feeling very odd all night. i was really happy at the start, but as night grew to dawn, i began to feel somhow sad and a little melancholy. i burnt myself twice, cut myself once, and got many scratches all over my arms and back, not to mention i have two new bruises on my sides. lol. so, pretty much a normal night of work for me^^. i don't really know what to say. alot is going on right now. i don't think i've accepted yet nearly half of it. i'm pretty sure that for the moment, i hate all guys, with some exceptions. at least guys that if they know u are penisless, they will go after you. i've concidered making up a girlfriend, just to make people fuck off. yea, i think thats what im going to do. makes a good excuse. lol, although, i do like how i am a last resort. makes me feel a little more random then usual. nothing special, kindof. i mean, a guy has to be desperate to ask a girl out in a mc.donalds drive-thru. fuck, i hate guys. ill betcha the only reason that happened is burger king drive thru girls all said no already. lmao. okay, i need more of a life. whatever. i know i am talking of stupid pointless stuff, but if i start talking about anything that is really on my mind, i dont think ill make any sense whatsoever, nor do i know if ill be able to not say things i shouldnt. so i am jsut going to go and leave all important matters unattended, and go to sleep. goodbye and good day.
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Monday, August 21, 2006

did u read any of it? or jsut the first two lines?. i am not angry at you. tell you the truth, i am happy you said thoses words to me. there is nothing u can do about why i was dissapointed in you. i huess i'm not the one u are to listen to then. so i will have to back off and simply watch, and hope for the best. whatever. i'm not fucking mad okay?
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Sunday, August 20, 2006

i don't fucking know why i'm feeling shittyt like this now. earlier today, i was so fucking happy all day. i was ready to go to work, even maybe have a bit of fun at work. in a wonderful fucking mood, but now fuck, a fucking swear word and om's bitching later, and i am the most fucking miserable bitch you could find. fuck! when i was gone, i was thinking of something but that. nothing but the fucking adventures and dumbass dreams that i wanted most. if only i could have told them to you before u were mad at me. you would have liked them, i think. thats all i had been thinking of all fucking weekend. nevermind the weekend, its what ithink about all the time. right now, the thought of it makes me want to, fuk i dont even know. i dont know. all i want right now is to be in that dream, on my own. i don't fucking want anybody! i dont need anybody. and i am not going to get any help from anybody either. if i want my fucking dreams to come true, i will make them come true on my own. i doubt i ever will get my dreams, but i will try with everything i have in me. one dream, has already been made impossible to reach. but not all. i am not going to let all of this shit make me give up. i refuse to give up. fine then. don't talk to me. but if i tell you something, and u know i am wrong, then instead of acting like a fucking child, prove me wrong. you wanted to gain respect? u cant get it by hiting someone i the face. you will never be respected if u keep acting like a child. u tell me u are a man. you are legally old enough. you are 18. that doesnt tell shit. why doesnt any one else understand that?! i am not yet a grown woman. u are still a child. if u want to be respected, and be treated like a man,then start acting like one. and u can get as fucking mad at me as u fucking want. i dont give a shit. u can stop talking to me completely. cut me out of your life and ignore me. fine. but that will only prove my point all the more. you are more important to me then proving a point. but this isnt about me. although its stupid to try. you'll probably just ignore me, or not read any of this, or jsut end up hating me all the more. fine. go ahead. it won't change a damned thing!
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Thursday, August 17, 2006

life is still throwing many confusing problematic situations and feelings at me, but i dont care right now. i jsut got off of work, it is 7 am, cuz it takes me almost an hour to walk home, and i am feeling wonderful. i hope everyone and anyone is feeling as content with the fucked-upedness of life as i am. at least for now. lol. anyways, i am going to go, because i am going to go eat a muffin for supper. or breakfast. or soemthnig. byebyes!

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Wednesday, August 16, 2006

he sais there is nothing i can do. he is right. why do i have a sudden urge to cry my eyes out? we are falling apart. its going to end. it would be pretty easy right now to tell you that i hate life, but i dont want to take the easy way out. i am begging for numbness to come over my and inside my heart again. i will not cut for this. it will come. it always does. give me an air of indifference. the opposite of love is not hate. it is indifference. that does not matter right now. i dont know what to say. im scared. i am not brave. i want to go home. this is not home. i havent found home yet. i think, a little part of me wants to take the easy way out, and go out and get drunk. or high. or soemthing liek that. ive done neither in my life, but for once, a little part of me wants to. maybe it will make me forget. but then i remeber, i dont need alcohol or drugs to forget. all i need is that preciouse numbness to come to me, fill me completely and send me into a kind of daze. i don't know what else to say. i am going to go now. i dont know where i will go after i get off the computer. maybe ill go read a book. that always makes me forge. whatever. goodbye for now.
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Tuesday, August 15, 2006

respect is to be earned. punching someone in the face, although tempting, would only make them loose any respect they had for you in the first place. life is full of bull shit. but thats what makes the good stuff even better. a life or hard work and suffering is worth it just to have that single moment of pure bliss. dont ask me what that moment is, cuz i have no idea, but i still believe. i have faith in the good in this world and in life, no matter how seemingly unexsisting it is. i cant say that for everyone. i have had a pretty good, not to meantion easy life. i dont know the real meaning of pain, nor do i know the feeling of loss to great extent. i lvoe the worl and i love life, but i dont know if i would feel different if my life would have been different. i jsut dont know. but, there are no ifs in life, and so i will leave it at that, climb in bed and read a good book with a smile on my face. i pray that my smile will travel through the air to wherever you are, and draw out one of your own smiles. to everyone, i wish a good day, or night, and i hope u let me know on your own perspectives of life. adieu
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Tuesday, August 8, 2006

dont really know what to say. dont really feel anything. i keep hoping. its pretty stupid. after work i kept looking over my shoulders. after a while tho, i jsut relaxed and listened to my music. i said it just now. u wanted to know what was wrong. i told you. u left. it doesn't matter. i already know it is hopeless. why, may i ask, do i keep wanting, craving hope? i should be done with it by now. i can't really tell you what i mean, because i dont really know myself. he is in another black depression. i make it worse, by hoping, that maybe if he ever did, he would know it. i have not yet learned to hide my feelings or thoughts as well as i had hoed. it has been almost 16 years, and still i cannot hide myself properly. i suppose i am still learning, and that i should be patient. patience is a virtue. i cant stay. i am feeling nothing, and so i dont know what to write. i always wonder, since i often feel this numbess at times like theses, can it be, that i am feeling so many things at one time that i do not understand, that my mind and heart turn total and utter confusion and helplessness into numbess for my own sake? well, i am going to have to try and find a scientific answer to that someday, then a spiritual one. compare what they are, then find my own answer, probably completely different from the other two^^ i am going to bed now, working again tonight. sleep sweet.
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Friday, August 4, 2006

dont know what to say. i felt like running after you. right now, i feel sick. i may have caught a cold. but why would i then have a lump in my throat hat refuses to go away, and refuses to let me breath clearly? why would i have an ache in the pit of my stomach? or a trembling that doesn't seem to want to stop. in my mind, right now, i embrase the darkness. i embrace whatever force that keeps it numb. is it a drug, maybe? a natural drug that my body provides itself when things like this happens? in some ways, i hope it is, so that i wil never let my emotions get in the way again. so that i will never let my dumbass fucking emotions have this kind of controle over me. you have paid me, in full. just like you've paid all the other ones. paid me with thoses lies and looks. i cant believe i never saw it. i knew it was there. i lied to myself, because i wanted to believe in a dream. no fucking wonder u dont want me to know the truth! i was stupid to ever think it could happen. doesnt matter anyways. plans change. i am not going to live in my own place here. i cannot stay here. i am leaving, just as soon as i can. you may have made me realize how stupid the idea of true love, dreams coming true, and happily ever after is, but u cannot take my life from me. if u want to do that, u will have to kill me. u want to? go right a head fuck and fucking try! i dare you! but this time, i'm going to fight back!
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Saturday, July 29, 2006

i guess i was wrong. what u told me. you made me think alot. i was wrong. and u are wrong too. i hope good prevails over evil this time. the way u feel about him, that is the way they will feel of you if u don't dedicate your life to making theirs better, don't love them. i'm sorry. i was so very rwrong. forgive me. actually, no, i don't want forgivness this time. i don't want u to forgive me. i don't deserve forgiveness. please, just take care of them and love them and protect them.
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