Wednesday, July 19, 2006

you wrote a while ago that u are wondering how i am alot. well, from our last converstation, i am guessing u no longer care what i am feeling or saying or thinking. there is simply one thing i have to say. if you drink, i cut. like i told u in our last conversation. if u think i am kidding, then u are sadly mistaken. want proof? i got plenty of it!
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Thursday, June 15, 2006

i am tired. i didnt get home till 1. doewsnt matter. only one day of schoo left and then two exams on monday.
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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

its all my fault. don talk to me. fuck you.
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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

ive been thinking much about death lately. dont ask me why. i am not depressed. i have just been thinking about dying. getting shot, or jumped, or something. i dunno why. i think i would want to be creamated. i dont wanna be buried. anyways, i dont know what im saying. i am very much messed up right now. been thinking of the weirdest things, and the weirdest people. and just so you know, although u dont read it, it isnt the same. its different. dont forget that.
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Monday, June 12, 2006

dont fucking tell me what im thinking and feeling. you, just like everyone else, keep thinking that you know me just enough to know what im thinking? what the fuck? nobody knows at all what i feel, or what i think. stop fucking trying to controle me you mother fuck! you will not controle me! you will never know me! i gave u a chance to know me. it is never going to come again. stop fucking with my mind, you have no idea whats in there, and u never fucking will!!!
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i dont write on here very often any more. whatever. i jsut dont know what to say. nightmares, bad thoughts, they are back. i cant help it. i dont know what to do either. it doesnt matter. everything will turn out in its own time. i am not sure what to do. i am confused as hell. i am at school right now. i cant think straight. havent been able to in a while. whatever. i just dont know what to say. im sorry. it hurts so much. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. oh god . please. i cant, i have to go. im sorry. i cant stay. i cant think stright. dont listen to me. im sorry.
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Saturday, June 10, 2006

dont fucking tell me i have no idea you fucking ass hole! you have no idea what i feel, neither does anyone else. if i had no fucking idea, then why the fuck would i be using every fucking bit of self-controle every fucking day to keep from cutting huh? no. fuck you. i dont cut. i dont cry. and i dont trust fuckers like you anymore. you can say what u want. i did care. i still do. all i wanted was for you to get heppy. well, you know what? fuck you. i told you so many times. you never listened. u have to get out of your own little world and start living in ever one elses! it doesnt fucking revolve around you or me anymore alright?! fuck! you have no fucking idea! you really are dense! fuck you then! go join the army, find a gun and kill yourself! you think that i sounds like i dont care now? well guess what? at your funeral, ill be the one hiding behind a gravestop trying to controle my breathing while i cut myself over and over again, thinking of this very converstation we just had. go to hell, if you want. say whatever you want. but dont ever fucking say that i dont care about what happenes to you, you fucking jerk! i wont talk to you anymore. u told me not to. fine. doesnt mean i will forget this. find yourself a life already alright? do something with it. dont just sit around and feel sorry for yourself. i dont care. i know u are getting mad already. dont fucking care. u make me mad every fucking time u talk to me, whether you know it or not. its like listening to a smoker tell me that they wanna stop smoking, but they cant. you are a fucking idiot! wouldnt be fucking surprised if u started smoking. u already drink, cut, whatver it may be. doesnt fucking matter. u can go ahead and take the coward's way out. go shoot your brains out. but dont think that it will go unoticed by me or anyone else. your family loves you like crazy, and you will break their heart. but you know what? it doesnt matter . what do you carfe if u are fucking that up to huh? i mean, no use in, i dunno, trying to make things better maybe? nah. no point in that. well, u know what? fuck you. if u are going to leave your own family to rot, your own friends, then go ahead, but dont forget it when you are watching them break apart after your dead and buried. you have no idea how much you cange in people's lives, because u are only thinking of your own. look around you. it will do everyone a favor. and dont be stupid. the simple though of "everyone's life will be so much better if i'm dead' is the dumbest thought you could ever think of. learn to listen for once! fuck!
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Thursday, June 8, 2006

i dont know what to say. its different. i dont know. fuck it! why is this it? fuck off!
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more confusion.
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leave me alone. no you cant. you dont get it. no leave me alone. fuck you. fuck off!
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