Wednesday, June 7, 2006

sing for joy. sing out in a joyful song. lol. u know what josh told me last weekend? he said, well, i dont wanna sing, im not good at it. i said, one can only be good at singing if they do it from the heart. it's not about what others think of your singing, it's about what u feel while you are doing it. i love singing, it kept me from doing many bad things, although did not keep me completely, because i still did many bad thingss. but it did help some. anyways, i hope that when anyone read this, they will break out into a song or something. i hope so. it would make me happy to think 've made a little unimportant pointless change in someone's day. i am going to sing my heart out today(not while in class tho:P) and hope that somewhere there is smeone singing with me, and not even realizing it!!!! please sing for me. i wll listen to the wind, and it will sing for me from you. <

i am speaking very gibberishly today. i dunno why. i hope i can be this way every day though. it feels good to smile again. i am not wering any black today! well, okay, my socks are black. lol . anyways, i gtg before my teacher gets angry. if anyone has any ideas of how to start some sort of programme, tell me. i know that makes no sense, but i mean like a sports group, or a music group, or any group. any ideas? even ideas of what kinda groups! anyways, byes!
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Monday, June 5, 2006

i am hoping to be able to do my multimedia rpoject on koz youth group. i hope i'm aloud. that would be wonderful^^anyways, yea, i jsut came back from the retreat and it was fun and wonderful and everything, and yea. i am not to write much on here anymore, but i will try. i rope a horse for the first time ever, and i am now in love with it. alot happened this weekend. anyways, i hope everyone had a good weekend. byes.
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Friday, June 2, 2006

the concert was okay. i liked the music alot. i didn't watch any of it, only listened. i don't know. i feel very slow right now, but not in a good-feeling-lazy way. in a make-this-day-end kinda of way. whatever. i am leaving for that youth retreat for koz thing. i guess im excited about it. not really.whatever. bye.
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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

i won't talk of what i feel. people always gte mad at me. i went to my grandparent's house this weekend. on sunday. i worked all day saturday, and hung out with kairo on friday. yesterday, i went to koz, and spent the night at lizbef's house. i am going home today after school. i have a concert at school tomorow. and then jazz cabaret jeudi. and friday i am leaving for the koz retreat. i can't call myself a christian yet. i wish to. i will, one day, i think. before it is too late i hope. i can't really say much. most of what is happening is happening inside my heavy heart, and not around me. i am going now. bye.
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Friday, May 26, 2006

i don't care anymore. i am numb again. back to my wonderfull nothingness. i left yesterday, cooled off. came back home around 2:30 or something. whatever. i didn't go very far into the forest. i stayed by the stream mostly. then i went on st.anne's road, stayed there for about an hour, walking up and down, went to jamie's bridge, stayed there for a while. it's nice there, at night. there aren't many people out at that time. i only saw three people walking, and one biking. it doesn't matter though. i liked being alone. it's like a preview of how i am going to be for a long time. it's good. i like being alone. it doesn't matter anyway. i fell again yesterday. i didn't notice i was bleeding until about half an hour later. not much. only a scratch. i wasn't hiding though. that is a good thing. i didn't think of that till i got home. i wasn't hiding. at all. i was just...me. well, at the start, an angry, sad, fucked up version of me, but still me. after i cooled off, i became numb again. numb and cold. i like that it always comes back, no matter what. it's like, it's supposed to be my primary feeling for the rest of my life. i guess it'S supposed to feel that way now. whatever. there is always hope, i know. i just don't know where it is now. i have faith is the good of the world still, and i believe i always will. i have to go. i've already said too much.
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Thursday, May 25, 2006

im sorry. it went wrong. i guesss its better that he hates me now. i wish it didn't hurt so much. god, even now i ruin everyone's fucking life. go to hell. leave me alone. don't talk to me. i'll kill you, you fucker! leave me the fuck alone. i jsut want to be alone. i will hurt you. just like you keep hurting me. leave me the fuck alone! fuck you! i hate you! you are better off not ever knowing me. whaveter. dont talk to me.
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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

i don't care how weak you think i am. i don't care that you are just waiting for me to break. i will be stronger then this. i will not break. i will not fail. i will not be weak!
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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

it's such a ncie day outside. i still feel cold. ain't that weird? i made mistakes. i worked yesterday. with glenn and mom and justin. the whole family. mostly with justin, because him and me were loading up the truck with wood from a fence we teared down, and brought it to the landfill. i actually made it the whole five hours with only hurting myself twice. first time, cut myself with a nail on my arm, and the second, stepped on a nail. usually, i get alot more hurt when im working with glenn. im a clutz. everything is the same as today. nit yesterday. i am darker now. just a little. i hope everything turns out well. i really hope so. whatever. i have to go. goodbye.
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Sunday, May 21, 2006

the forest is nice. i met a man when i was at jamies bridge. i never got his name. he asked me what i was doing on the wrong side of the bridge. i said i wa watching the water. he said, yea, its very peaceful here. i said yea. then we started talking about all kinds of stuf. he told me about a turtle he met last year, who would always come up for about an hour, then go back down, right at the edge of the bridge. some kids even fed the turle grass. i didn't know turtles ate grass. actually, i didnt know what turtles ate in the first place. he told me that he heard some kids killed the turtle. i am not surprised. i mean, it's a peacefull living being, so why leave it alive right?

the man told me where he lvied, he knows where i live too. well, kinda. he went to a garage sale near where i live uesterday, and bought some wieghts and a bench. i laughed at that. he did too. he was on a bike. he's lived in winnipeg all his life. i never even got his name, and i probably will never see him again. thats okay though. i am happy i met him. he was nice.

there is one place i stopped, for a few seconds, on my way back. dont matter tho. crossed the street. i also went to rock bridge for a while. the water is lower then last time i went, so i was able to cross on the rocks in the river. last time i could only get to the middle. and i could go on the wooden brdge too. i did go, ofcourse. i love it so much there. i saw woody again, as i do every time i go there. i met him before everyone else did. i met him last year, and he was only in the papers this year. that made me happy. except, i wasn't alone, for a few times last year, to visit him. but this time i was. no matter how many people leave, he is always there no matter what. i can visit him, any time.

so much is different, since the last time i saw him. i guess thats how it works though. things keep changing constantly, growing. whatever.
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Friday, May 19, 2006

specials. uglies. prettties. scott westerfeild. good books. i need help. but i dont. i will handle it myself. i need to go back. i will, but not until tomorow. whatever. i cant talk anymore. thats ok. just whatever. idunno. i can't. i won't. i need no help. fuck off. i cant do it at all. i can handle it on my own. bye
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