Thursday, May 18, 2006

well, then day up to now has been....okay. just normal i suppose. fake smiles and fake smiling. whatever. no matter. i am still worried, not that anyone cares. doesn't matter either, i suppose, whether i am worried or not. i guess worrying never helped anyone. it certainly isn't helping her, not that i could ever accomplish something like helping someone without fucking people over anyways. whatever. i am goina go now. i have work to do.
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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

i am not going to write as much on here no more for a while. aparently, one of my friends has been reading it, and he is getting worried because he wants to watch out for me, and i dont write even half of whats going on on here. i don't want him to worry, so i will not write too much here anymore. if he doesn't read it, then he won't get worried.

the only thing i want to say, that, even though nothing has gotten fixed or better yet, my outlook on all of it is a little better this morning. i've decided to try and be positive a little more about this stuff. i mean, if i act happy, then maybe i will be later. it wil certainly be an improvement from days like yesterday. whatever. i am going to go now, because i have a few things to write on my other site before i log off. byeyes ppl.
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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

still dunno what to do, but i'll figure it out at some point or something. whatever. i want to sleep.
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Monday, May 15, 2006

i just realized something. i never thought of it that way. my loyalties, splitting in two ways. when it is a little fight between friends at school, it easy to stay out. when it is between two brother, of wich i am in the middle. it is different. i really did not know what to say at all. it scared me, because it was true. but, what he said was true too. it scares me so much. why would they do that? do they know it? they are so different. one, does not have faith. other, lives in a dream. i would love to live in a dream like that, but at the same time, i would love to have the realizm instead, and know what to do with life. i don't know what to do.

i am not going to write that i am worried. i am learning , or trying to learn, to hide as much as possible from anyone i know. i can handle it on my own. it is less complicated. maybe, they only think i am worried when i write it down here. they think, maybe without wanting to, that i am only feeling things when i am writing them here. then why would i be crying allalone if i wrote that i was happy? whatever. i only hope she will be ok.

i wonder what life would be like if mom and glenn died. would i live with dad? would justing fight to keep me with him at home? i hope so. i love dad very much, and i would never want to hurt him, but i could never live without justin there. i could stay here and work. maybe get a second job, to keep my mind off things. mom said that if i want to stay here, justin would bring dad to court. i wonder if that is true...

i haven't seen dad in a long enough while. i want to see him. that's all i should say, because i am about to begin with what has been happening, and i don't want anyone to know. i'll stop.

he said i should know when i need help. i don't need help. i really can handle this. all by myself. no help. i asked for help from him. i can't do that again. i will handle this myself. if i can't handle a few things on my own now, if i ask for help everytime i feel like....this, then how am i ever to be independant enough to live by myself. i am fine, i can handle it. he wants me to ask for help, to tell him some, if not all of it. i will not be weak again. i tried to keep myself from crying last time, it didn't work at all. this time, i will do everything myself, i don't need anybody's help. i won't cry or resort to cutting or drinking or anything like that. i can't do it on my own. i only hope i am still whole when it's over and the next stage of this comes to me.

faith. different. make-belief. i don't want to go. i will say goodbye. i can't go again. i am going tonight again. i don't want time to keep going, but i do. i will have to say goodbye. he scares me much. i can't stop thinking about...it. he doesn't fucking get it! godamn you! i hate you! you lied to me! i am jsut like everyone else! u have any idea how much your lies did to me. i should not believe anybody! it will never end. i said it will end, i said i hoped i would be whole. it doesn't end. it haunts you feorever. at least, it has until now. i want to see him. i miss him. go to hell! you don't get it. if you do, u will. get hurt! it hurt's so much. you will regret it. fuck you. i can't. this is so tireing. i want to leave. i won't i will stay and learn whatever lesson this is to teach me. i will not run away godammit! don't fucking try it! it hurts too much.

i don't know. should i? why should i accept it? i will not! or i will? i don't know. why does it always have to end like that. fuck you. it doesn't exisst! it is a fairy tale! fuck you! it doesn't exist! it is fake! it is a fairy tale! it has been fucking proven that it doesn't exist. why do i still hold my faith to it? why do i still dream? i hate it. fuck it!
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Saturday, May 13, 2006

do i want it? do i need it? should i accept it? try to change it? i don't know anymore. i am so tired of it. is it because it's not there anymore? it's so different for them. i am tired. i dunno what to do. it's all so simple there. it's not here. heart, broken. wretched out. every time. scared senseless. hiding under the blankets. i screwed it up again. i can't stop thinking about....i don't know! fuck you! you have no fucking idea! just as i said you would! i didn't! i was suppose to, but i didn't! you don't fucking get it do you? it's not that fucking simple! don't! why would you do that? you say you wsant to try! you fucking lier! you don't even know how! broken heart. bleeding. crying. hurt. ugly. pitiful. pathetic. you want more? fuck you! makw up your own. just look at me, and throw em off your fucking tongue! look at me and tell mne howe pathetic i am! if only you could read my thoughts, you'd know how much deeper the ugliness goes! you fucking whore! you don't even know me! i was supposed to get over it! i can't stop thinking about that! i can't believe i am still defending him! i stil hurt if they say anything about him. i hit her. i should not have. it's not my fucking resposibility. i am so tired. i want to lie down. to sleep, for as long as it takes for all of this to go away. i messed it up, once more. at least, i don't feel threatened anymore, by them. but i can't talk to either of the others. i am making excuses this time. it hurts. i can't talk. oh my god. i don't know. i have to go. b7ye.
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Thursday, May 11, 2006

just got back from full moon meditation. it was amazing. there were twelve of us there, coincidentally, twelve in the same number of full moons in a year. fancy that. anyways, there is be a celebration for the begining of summer next month. i forget the name. it will also, i believe, be amazing. i can't wait.

yuki was back at school today finally. she didn't stay the whole time, cuz she didn't feel well, but at least she felt well enough to come for the time that she did. we were all getting worried.

i have no school tomorow, but, i am working the day friday. that'll be good. i need another shift or two. thankfully, i'm going to start getting more shifts now. i only didn't have many cuz so many people were being hired.

i can't go camping next weekend, with lizbef and her family. i have to work friday and saturday. oh well, i guess it was jsut not for me. i will have my oppertunity when it's the right time for me to take advantage of an oppertunity.

i have had a.....mixed up day. was thinking on alot of stuff, on how messed up things were getting, on how fast the time is passing.i was thinking, for real, to stop going to church and koz. only, for the simple reasons, that i love it so much, and feel so wonderful when i do go. i don't want to say goodbye. greg will be graduating in two school years. no, one! i'll be graduating in two. oh my goodness. in about 5 monthes, i will be in grade eleven. it's really hard for me to believe that. i just got into high school. in only one year, i'll have to say goodbye to greg. naudia too, and david and a bunch of people. that will be sad. i hate goodbyes.

i don't know what to do now. she, seems very sad, worse. i dunno. i wanna help. i am still worried. i hope she will be ok. sshe will. but i just hope it soon.

it feels so clear on my own, doing something that reflects me, like climbing or singing or swimming, all by myself. exploring, touching every leaf, smelling every flower, breathing in the sent of nature. that is me. if only i could get to that....

i wish to find my path in life. i want to learn everything. i want to do good in life. i've been cauing only bad things to happen lately. i want to be better.

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multimedia is first, english second, then geographie. then 20 minutes of lunch, then choir for the rest of the lunch hour. then art, then spanish. then school is over and i have a tech meeting till 5:00-5:30. then i gotta go to work for about 20 minutes, then i gotta walk home from there. after that, i have a full moon meditation with estelle and a few other peeple. then i go home, and i read for an hour, then go to bed. i hope this day goes well. it's a good sounding day to me. i like it.

hope everone'S day goes well. i haven't really read anyone's posts yet except my kitten, wich is the only person who has posted yet. that's all right. i only hope a few other people post while i'm on here juring this class. i like reading what people write. i don't often write posts, i never know what to say. but i love to read posts. i guess i've always been a reader, not a writer. makes no difference. either way i have an alternative world.

still type of worried bout her. talked to her. hope everything is okay. dunno still what going on, but it will get better, i think. she is strong, and i'll do anything i can to help.

anyways, hope everyone is having a nice day today. over here, it's been a pretty nice morning wether-wise. i couldn't really tell you about where anyone else lives. i don't watch the news much at all. whatever. byebyes.
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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

thank you so much^^you made my day and all of my days to come. i am thinking differently now, and i know there will be setbacks, but i am tryuing my best to be better, and i think that for once, it's working! thanks much^^
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Tuesday, May 9, 2006

still worried about her. not written. scared. know she will be able to work everything out, but still wish there was no pain. she'll be okay. but why is it happening? that's something i don't get. who? why would that person do it to her? what is that person doing? why can't i get it?
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Friday, May 5, 2006

me and natalie are the first to make a dvd in the school! it was sooooo fun! lol, anyways, since u probably dont really care, since it only matter to me, then i shall speak of other matters.lol.

well, i changed my mind. i have no other matter to speak of, except for i had pretty good dreams waking up again, and am having a pretty good day. it will be a long day too. i will pull an all-nightre at work, will about 6. after school, i'm going home, helping mom and glenn with the garage sale, do a project and read aabout a dozen chapeters of to kill a mocking bird. then, i have to get ready for work, try my best to be ablt to call lil' brother, then walk to work, then stay till 6 then go home then whatever. gtg.
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