Thursday, May 4, 2006

i don't know what to say today. nothing much to say actually. i miss church, i miss koz. i never want to go back to it though, cuz everytime i go to either, it's one time closer to the day i have to say goodbye.

i talked to adame yesterday, for a while. he made me feel better. told me about egypt this time, then told me about...what was it?crusades? lol, anyways, yea. still not much to say.

seems alot of people are keeping secrets. i'm keeping secrets. but, it no matter, because it's easy now, to keep secrets. nobody notices thoses kinds of things, and so they don't ever ask me what's wrong, or whatever. it better, i think , since i hate it when they ask what's wrong. makes it so much harder to lie to them afterwords bout what really is going on.

i think i'm tired today, have been for a while. was having good dreams when i woke up though. didn'T really wanna move much. lol. anyways, i guess i'll go now. byes. hope everyone has a good day today
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Wednesday, May 3, 2006

i will leave you alone. but i won't stop worrying about you.
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Tuesday, May 2, 2006

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i hope everyone has a good day. hope everyone in the play has fun. hope everyone who isn't going to the play still has fun. i have to go. i can't do this. i took it off too early, and now it's hurting.
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Monday, May 1, 2006

why do i always feel so left out, unimportant, like a burden? i hate it. i must be more selfish and self-centered then i thought. i am not imagining it completely. there are many time where you ignore me, most of the time. where you keep secrets from me. i don't like it. it's not real. you don't love me, as you say. i broke down again. told you everything about me. i suppose you are like everyone else. i told you all about me. then, you forced me to build the walls again. walls that are not so breakable, that are too high to climb. now, every person i know in my life, have a wall between me and them. it's not surprising. i am used to it. it's how it has always been with me. heart, surrounded by ice, that is hard to melt. a heart trapped within a cage. screaming to be let free of there metal bars. there is only one who can set me free.
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Thursday, April 27, 2006

you say you will not cry, you qill not scream. i can't say the same for myself. i've always know you were not weak. you are strong, and the tears from the past is what has made you so. now you know, i'm the weak one. if only you could see, what has happened to me, what i've done to myself once again. if only you knew, that it's not stuff i care about, like you think, but that i am on the brink or crying once again, trying to hold back, trying to keep it from coming, trying to be strong. once again, i am putting on a mask, trying to hide my weakness, that is you. my pride, when you said that, simply fell flat, crushed and wounded. i already know, pride i should not have, for there is nothing i have within me worth to be prideful of, but it exists still, agaist my will. i don't care, if you think this is all bullshit. it's what everybody thinks when i speak. i don't blame them, and i don't blame you. like i've said, many a time before, you don't understand, because i won't let you. you've gotten too close, and nnow i've left you. i told you it was how it must me. i was becoming dependant on you, and you said you loved me. i am sorry, i didn't want to hurt you. and i was not lying, nomatter what u think.
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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

greg is back! makes me very happy. i saw the ring he is to give to his girl^^it very awesome. anyways, i only happy cuz i got a hug and got to talk to him again. i really missed him.
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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

tu ne comprendera jamais, personne vais, dans leurs vie ou la mienne, me comprendre. ca ne me fait rien. je veut courrire de ceci. je ne savais pas que j'était haÏt. la, je le sait. je veut courrire de ca, mais je ne vais pas. je sens comme je vais renvoyer. et ca ne me fait rien si personne comprend ce que je dit. c'est quece que j'espère. je suis, maintenant, misérable. toute ma maudite vie personne m'aime pour vrai. bien, vous pouvez tous allez chier!

i am not so sure i slept much tonight. i tried to stop, but i didn't. i want to go back to church, or koz. they are both quickly becoming an addiction of mine. i can live without both, and happily, i suppose, if that is the only thing that was there as a bothering. but i simply want to go. i can'T, offcourse. i want alot of things. i am selfish. i am scared. i am weak, and i am a simple-minded idiot. it is nothing new. and once again, it's been proven.

i hope greg is having good time though. that is a good thing today. i think grege is having a pretty good time i hope. i wonder when he is coming back....?

i am not sure who to believe on this. one sais it is a lie, what she said. the othr4e said she was used. then she said she was my friend. is my friend. now, this would be a good time to have more common sense, or a higher IQ or anything that could help me understand what'S going on, anything that could help me understand any of this. i am going to coast through life getting hurt by everyone i meet. they will all hurt me, simply because it is jsut so easy to hurt someone like me. i trust people i shouldn't, because i am stupid and think they will not hurt me. it'S my own fault, and i am going to take responsibility for it. i am trying to be better. i will try and keep unatached to anyone. i need to learn not to get so attatched to people. if u don't get atatched, if you don't care, you don't get hurt.
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Sunday, April 23, 2006

i am at a friends house now, at lizbef's. i am really part of the family here66maman called me marina(little sister's name). anyways, we had an all-nighter yesterday and it was fun. we had it at church for a koz type thing but it was for bef's b-day. when i got home me and bef both got a talk. i hate boys because they all act the same. it drivs me nuts. lol, anyways, yea. pickle, is my new obsession for the next few days. don't ask why.

i am scared now. i wanna see travis. i wanna talk to greg. both gregs. (i know three now). i wanna give hug to travis, and make him stop drinking and make him feel better. i scared. i wanna see raechel again, to hang out. i wanna go spend a weekend with dad. i wanna castrate every male on this planet, just to give em something to cry about. i wanna make randy get his grocery list. i wanna hurt adame. i wanna murder jared. i am frustrated about everything and i don't wanna go home but i do at the same time. i found something travis might like. i was going to a garage sale with mom and i saw it and thought of him and bought it and i know he will hate it because it is only my own stupidity but i stilll hope he likes it for real and not fakely and i really want him to like it so much but i know he wont either way and he will say that he does and i miss him but oh my god, yesterday i wanted to kill him(don't ask) and not i wanna hug him and it always that way and i was thinking about him, i want him to watch a movie with me or cuddle with me with only that being the idea. i don't want him to even think of doing anything else, and now, after the talk i had with maman and papa, i know it is pretty much impossible to find a boy like that and i don't want just any boy, that not what i eman, but still and it drives me nuts and i wanna cry and i've wanted to cry and scream all day, and with this family, 9i can tand they will do nothing but try and make me feel better and i kinda did scream and cry a little and it made me better and i want to kill something but i wanna hu him but i dont want him to think and i want to talk to greg, because he knows wha5t is going on, he always does and i hope greg is having good time now. and i want to talk to toher greg because it just all laid back like friends and talk about anything, like i just met him and we were talking about love lives and sex and marriage and religion and life and everything with maman(we were the three that stayed up all night, everyone else had 10 minutes to an hour of sleep) and aroud 5 am we started with the important talks and then it was jsut amazing to talk things like that and it was soooo cold in that damned basement but it's perfect that way and yea. anyways, i am gone now because i am being yelled at for soemthing. hope everyone has a nice sleep,
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Friday, April 21, 2006

our school sucks for school spirit^^but not me and kairo. we both got all dressed up and went all out. i went to my neighbor estelle and asked her for help and now i'm wearing 1920's show girl dress full of black fringe and fishnet stockings and black high heels and a blue shiny headband and it soiooooo kewl although feels weird wearing a dress out in public, still. having so much fun today. half of me is anyways. i am trying hard not to think of bad things today, but they are always on my mind. i'm worried about travis, i already miss greg(he left for a while), i am confused about Raechel and i am trying my hardest to be responsible and mature for my parents, to make this easier on them. i feel bad because i didn't see alex on his b-day, and i wanted to, to wish em happy b-day. i want to see travis again, but i am trying hard not to think of theses things.
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