Wednesday, April 19, 2006

the realization of things that hurt, that sudden slap in the face, before your bliss and ignorance escapes you, the part where you look out of the window and realize that the place they are taking you is not beautiful, as they promised, but broken and ugly. the realization that you really are alone, like you suspected before you were given your false hope. the realization that of which changes your point of view and robs you of your happiness and carelessness. this particular realization , of which changes one's point of view on what is right, and what isn't.
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Monday, April 17, 2006

i got to school almsot a whole clas late. my alarm didn'T work. fancy that^^î no cares. i am not nearly as tired feeling as i though i was goina be. well, the day has only begun. anyways, yea. how is everybody today????

i wearing pink today. a few people have already asked me if i am ok, cuz it takes alot to get me to wear pink just....pink. i am wearing baby pink shirt, pink shells as bracelet and necklace, and pink socks. it because me and kairo made a deal. lol, people, once they see me, will be sooo amazed. lol . oh well, it differnt, is it not?

my brother sais i listen to country only because it's "in" right now. lol, i didn't even know it was and i'Ve been listening to country my whole life. if there is a stupid reason for me liking country so much, it's because my dad listens to it all the time. i always try to do stupid little things like him, like listen to counrty, walk like him, be strong like him, ect...

anyways, class is over. byebyes!
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Saturday, April 15, 2006

adame told me the things i wrote is not understandable because they are oddening, well, i no really cares, but to make him happy, i am to write something simple. so i write something simple. i am tired. i love my little wolfie brother. i told him i was going to reveal his deepest, darkest secret, and make him go completely wild and wacko and blushing and angry.lol, well, i make him blush, although not with deepest, darkest secrets, i love him too much to be mean that way. but he thinks i am writing them now, so it funny. to make him blush, all i say is cutie little wolfie brother. lol. okay then, well it funny anyways, and i beeped him on phone(beeped means press the button while talking and scare him). anyways, yea i have to go work soon so i go now.
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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

fine. goodbye. if i don't talk, then you will not answer, knowing already that u won't actually try, for i don't actually mean that much, so if i don't speak, you will not answer, and so i can't hold anything agaisnt you. it seems rather rational to me. don't you think?
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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

i was happy. i am not so much anymore. i want to go get mom. people never have actual reasons for why they say so to me. i suppoose everyone, including me, is that way, even though dont always realize it. it sucks. its miserating. i don't really wanna go get mom at work, i just want to go somewhere. i want to walk into bois des esprits and pass out on the little wooden bridge, or besides woodie. i visited him last week. he seems to be doing good. the little wooden bridge is almost under water. figures. i want hard fast rain to come down with thunder and lightning. i want to be apart of it again. it feels like i am actually living. for real. it's a whole world of chaotic wonder and fury.

i was talking to fairy today. he dreamed with me, as we always do when we are talking. i think, he is 9 yrs older then me?lol, i dunno, something like that. he has all of my dreams the same. we don't agree on everything though. he said the most beautiful birds should be put into a golden cage, and kept to share it's beauty. i said any bird should be let free, not kept in a cage. he said that when he gets married, he will provide for his wife and himself and their family. i said, well, what if the wife wants to work? and he said, doing what? and i almost yelled at him! lol. it was funny. but in egypt, i suppose, women don't work as much as men still. i am going to egypt, as my first world adventure. i was talking about life, and how wonderful and beautiful it is to me, to travis. i know it is horrible, aswell, and he knows that i know that i think. he was not answering me, so i stopped to think, well, ive eprobably bored him with all that crap about my dreams and such, so i said sorry for sounding so stupid and idiotic, and he said, well, thats ok, but....yea. i guess that is only my own stupidity, but i mean, are my dreams that stupid? what's wrong with wanting good? i mean, traveling the world, i've always wanted that. it's not like i want world peace, i mean, that really is impossible, and it would make everybody the same in a sense and im sure i would hate it. i mean, im not really trying to change the world,. nor do i want to. i am only trying to see its beauty instead of all the ugliness. i am trying so hard to see all the good stuff in life and accept everyone and everything as they are and it's so hard, but i think i'm doing an....ok job at it. i mean, i've made new friends, and i am trying to be there for my family nad trying to be more responsible and grown up for their sake, and i suppose my own also. i am trying so hard to do it well, but it soo hard. at the same time, i feel as if i am not even a little part at all in dad's life, and i want to see him so badly and fuck i hate all of this. but i shouldn't be talking like that because its only frustration talking because i know my life is wonderful up to now, and i know that i wont hate this all the time once i calm down but it doesn't fucking matter. it's like im in a cage. i am not sure if i want to leave, i mean, cage or not, it's my home now. and if i do leave, i will come back, i know. i want to sleep so much, and just escape from reality again. i mean, reality isn't bad, but my dreams are so unreal and so totally wonderful. mean, not all the time. i have nightmares too, actually, some of them that i remeber still, but i mean, at least they are my own. not only travis. everyone. absolutely everyone, except maybe fairy(only cuz he has alot of the same dreams as me) don't understand or care about my dreams. they think my dreams stupid and ignorant and vain and childish. but then again, they don't understand them, or see them as i do. they see butterflies and bunnies. but, they do not see the heartbreak, the pain, the death, the killing, the stealing, the caos that are in my dreams. i think, if i had told anyone about all of my dreams, i mean all of them, they would think me a split personality, but with more then two personalities. i dont think i've ever told anybody about all my dreams. not even half of my dreams. it doesn't matter.

i am going to be spending lotz of time with estelle soon, she is going to help me make new clothes, and she is going to start reiki with me again. i can't wait. i am very excited for that. that, is something, i have to admit, i cannot help looking forward to and depending on. it will do me good. i will try and focus on strengthening my will, my heart, and my spirit.

i am going to go. i hope nobody reads this. i wrote it ate at night enough, so i dont think anyone will. bye.
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Monday, April 10, 2006

Conversation piece by Ned Guymon
"No!"
"Yes."
"You didn't!"
"I did."
"When?"
"Just now."
"Where?"
"Bedroom."
"Dead?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"You know."
"I don'T!"
"You do."
"Unfaithful?"
"Yes."
"With whom?"
"With you."
"No!"
!Yes."
"She didn't-"
"She did."
"We didn't-"
"You did."
"You knew?"
"I knew."
"How long?"
"Long enough."
"What now?"
"Guess."
"Police?"
"Later."
"Why later?"
"Guessagain."
"Tell me!"
"Look."
"Oh, no!"
"Oh, yes."
"You can't!"
"I can."
"Please!"
"Don't beg."
"Forgive me!"
"Too late."
"Good God!"
"Goodbye."

"Operator?"
"Yes, sir."
"The police."



a poem from english class that i really liked. probably not really caringeth of the things i enjoyed like this poem wich i did and it was in english and class and it was then i said that and this one and in english it was read and i liked it but it is not a thing to be cared about by anyone else but me who read it in class for english in english and it wasn'T it and it was different and you don't know and i'm sorry and i want to go if only i could, i would but i can't and you don't get it.
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Sunday, April 9, 2006

you said you read what i wrote. i suppose that means you are already annoyed with me. that is okay, because i've warned you not to read theses things, for you will become more and more annoyed with what i write. i don't blame you for that though. i know i always write the same thing. well, if you want to get even more annoyed with me this day, then read on, and if not, then the smart thing to do would probably be just stop reading now. there wont be anything new, to your standards. only to me this is new, and more of what i am feeling, 9i do not write here. most of it i keep a secret. from everyone.

i did not go to church this morning. i wanted to go, but i didn't. but, at least i didn't wake up bawling, as i was when i went to sleep. it doesn't matter how i woke up, i am still weak enough to be ashamed of myself. i keep feeling so much, that i shouldn't be feeling. i tried to become unattached to everything, and everyone. this proved to be alot harder then i expected. i tried not to care enough to get hurt. that failed. then, after i did get hurt, i tried to keep myself from getting hurt again, the same way. that also failed. i tried to tell myself i didn't care about people whom, i would give my life for. i told myself i did not care about someone, i acted it, and tried to feel it that way, yet, i find myself reaching for the black diamond everytime i feel lonely or uncertain. loneliness, uncertainty, other things i tried to keep myself from feeling. i will improve, i hope. i can't keep letting people into my heart so easily. it is so easy to get hurt. i met alex only once in person, and on the phone a few times before, and already i feel close to him. i felt as if we were already friends. as before, i know i am not a second thought even to him or any other one of the people i care for, but, at least for a while, i let myself believe it. i don't know why. it only makes it hurt more in the end. i think i may have hurt travis today. he thought i did not want to talk to him. he got angry and signed off. after he signed off, i was also angry, saying many things at an empty screen. why is it, that i am always typing to an empty screen, after people sign off? i suppose it's to make a pretense of telling them things i would regret later. later on, after i signed off the computer, wich was only about 1 minute after he did, i went to the kitchen and sat on the counter, and just stared out into nothing. i don't know why. i kept picking up the phone, then hanging it up again. i did this a few times. between every time, i went back to the counter to sit down and stare. i just don't et it. then i thought, maybe i am trying to grow up too fast. i want to grow up, and i suppose it's because i've always thought that being grown up meant understanding everything alot better. fuck, what a lie! so many grown ups in my life don't understand shit. well, i like being a kid, but i want to learn and understand too. this doesn't mean becoming a grown up, it just means trying harder, thinking about problems and solving them the right way. that is what i think now. i don't know what i'll be thinking later. i kinda hope nobody will read this, because i know it is a bunch of gibberish. i think, a feeling i love very much right now, and am always trying to feel, is the feeling of when i wake up, hearing birds singing, and having a whim of the dream, still lingering in my imagination, coming from a deep sleep into an early morning. i was lucky today. i woke up to birds singing, for the first time this year. as soon as i heard it, i opened my window, and jsut lied there, still dozing. it felt wonderful. i only hope i am not the only one who got to hear it. it's like heaven, waking up like that. what i am going to learn now, is how to enjoy life more, on my own. i've always enjoyed life with somebody, whether it be my family, my friends, or....lol , well, travis. now, i'm going to learn to be alone. it won't be as easy. i think, after that magical summer, it will be hard, but i'll learn. i think, i am already learning. i mean, i know now that nobody will be in my life forever, so i can't depend on anybody. i will learn to depend on only myself. doesn't mean i have to be alone all the time, only means that i have to stop depending on people. i can't depend on my family anymore. i don't think i ever should have in the first place, or, after being let down so many times, kept on doing it. i think i'll be able to stop depending on them easily enough, with what is going on now. it's travis and greg that will be the two that will be hardest not to depend on. greg always makes me so happy by doing the smallest of things, like smiling, or telling me about how he met his new girlfriend, or letting me read the new song he wrote. that always makes me happy, but i won't depend on it. traiv,s well, a smallest thought of him can make me happy for a day, and i often depend on him to make me happy that way. i won't anymore. i don't wsant to take off his necklace though. i've had it on without taking it off for a pretty long time. i won't feel the same without it. and i know i'm not supposed to feel the same, i am supposed to change, and thats what i'm trying to do, but i don't think i want to take it off. i feel so differnt then, not in a good way. weell, i know all of this makes no sense, but i don't care. and i don't think anyone else will either, so thats ok. yesterday, i was vrying so hard, for not being able to go to chruch, i thyink that will be the hardest part. i knoqw i won't stop looking forward to going to church every week, but i will have to try not to feel so much for it, because it has become a weakness in me, wanting to go to church. i was weak for crying like that, only for having to wait another week. that's what made me start thinking of all this. church, and being with family of heart. all of them, at the church, i count as my family now. i know they don't feel the same way, i am simply way too emotional and childish, but that is okay. i don't mind. i have to go now, i am going to make a necklace and a ring for a girl at church, to match her earings(maman and papa will drop the roses off for me, and i didn't want to write her name because i wasn't sure if it was ok). hopefully i will be able to bring them to her next week. goodbye for now.
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Friday, April 7, 2006

for some reason or another, i feel pretty damned happy today. i've been ignored and screamed at and i know im going to get in trouble when i get home but right now i am soooo happy. i am listening to the song i am trying to learn in pc class cuz thats where i got it and yea , it soooo fun and i am making a tornado and it actually worked without me screwing up!!!that is sooo rare in director! i make the tornado come out of a cloud formed by courants d'aire froid et courants d'aire chaud qui se rencomtre et forme une tournade et je n'ai pas fini mais c'est quand même si amusant et je suis si joyeuse et contante en maudit aujourd'hui!! anyways, je n'ai pas vue greg yet aujourd'hui and that kinda sucks parceque i wanted le voir et see if he a eu du temps à dormir yesterday. so, yeeeeeessssssssss. je ne sais pas what i should write anymore mais je vais just écrire ce que je suis entrain de thinker. byebyes mis emorados!
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Thursday, April 6, 2006

i told them that i wake up with a smile every morning. what a lie! waking up with a smile, one of the best feelings ever. also one of the rarest. this mroning, i woke up , like alot of other mornings, with a feeling so familliar, that it no longer takes me by surprise....not every time anyways. i feel as if i need to feel the wind, or i will perish. as if the thing i want most right now is to leave and see the beauty this world holds. oh god, how i want to just hop on a bus and head in any direction! jump on a ship and battle feirce, deadly storms thrown at us by an angry bloodred sea. i want to climb a mountain, fighting through every obsticle, only to see the view from the top. if only i had that kind of bravery, that kind of strength. i am definetly dumb enough to jump out of an airplane, only too whimpy. i just hope one day that i at least get to see part of the world. i know my dreams won't ever come true, but that is why they are called dreams, is it not?
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Wednesday, April 5, 2006

i wish they could all just be happy, for real. i suppose that is not possible. they will never learn to let themselves be happy, now will the world. it does not matter. i cant change a damned thing. i never will. i hope i grow up miserable. fuck you!
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