Friday, February 17, 2006

fuck off and leave me alone
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Thursday, February 16, 2006

i woke up singing happy birthday in spanish. i have no idea why. i think i had an odd dream last night, or this morning or whatever. i don't really remeber though. anyways, how is everyone today?
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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

my lil'brother finally got his tatoo:) i am very much jealouse. it takes up the middle top part of his back. it really kewl.

i am working for the first time today. i can't wait. well, i guess i can, but u know what i mean.

i did not go to school today. it 1:51 pm and i home, been home all day. i slept most of the time. i woke up, turned off the alarm, got into bed and slept most of the day. i had a headache. it still not gone, but it getting better. the light doesn't hurt all that much anymore. no big deal, just another headache.

lol, i dunno y i wrote all this, nobody really cares if i get a headache, i mean, it only a headache right?

anyways, i am kinda happy, but kinda sad at the same time today. i am happy beaucause life is great for me, i can't say anything different. i am a little sad because i miss him a little, as usual. but that's ok, i mean, it not the end of the world.

love you all, and to all a goodday!!~
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Monday, February 13, 2006

i am trying to get better. i really am. i'm trying to hide it from you, and everyone. everyone is eaier to hide it from then u. i will try, i won't hide it from you anymore. everyone else, i will hide it from, like i always have. they are easier to hide from. well, maybe not greg,, but i think that cuz he very very smart when it comes to that. lol.

you know what i've noticed? i came home today, happy as can be, deciding to try and be optimistic about everything, like i was at school. i walked in, said hi, then they managed to take the smile off my face once more. it has nothing to do about me getting in trouble. they just love making fun of me and shit like that. like what i drew for a project in art class. they made fun of that. and ofcourse, the way i look. today was my hair. i wonder what tomorow will be... whatever. they just make me mad, that's all. it's like they love making me want to cry. i mean, i dont give a fuck about my hair, or whether or not they like the dumb ass shitty drawing. but they could at least act like it would be possible to be proud of me. i mean, i may not be able to draw worth shit, but i tried hard to. and i may be ugly and shit but they don't gotta point every little flaw i have out.

i guess it my own fault. i mean, i'm not exactly the greatest daughter in the world. whatever. they can go to hell. if they don't wanna accept me like i am, then they can go fuck themselves. i just never thought i would say that about my parents, but really, they are the worst ones. everyone else has always hated me because of who i am, but i never thought they would.

whatever, i should stop talking like this, it not good. i am not happy today, but the day is not done, and i may aswell put a littleeffort into it. no big deal, just throw on the mask again. they always believe that. i guess it cuz it's always on....
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Sunday, February 12, 2006

lotz of people tell me i should forget about him, and just stop talking to him and get him out of my life. other people, who know me better, know how happy he makes me, tell me that he is trying to push me away and tell me to do what my heart tells me. i can't stop thinking about him. i'm scared. what if he doesn't wait? or what if i do something wrong? what if i'm already too late?.?.?

the futur, inmy point of view, seems quite bleak. i have been trying harder to be more optimistic, but it's hard sometimes. i will learn.

i think i may be going crazy. i've been talking to myself all day, getting mad at myself is more like it though. telling my head to stop thinking bout...well, u know. i guess i've always been a little crazy.

if we are meant to be together, all will turn out well. i am only scared that the futur may be working against us, along with the past.

i am scared but i will try to be bravew. i won't cower from this, as it is very important to me and i will not give it up without a fight.
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Saturday, February 11, 2006

you win this one, but it ain't fucking over.
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fine.
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fine.
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Friday, February 10, 2006

well, i've managed to fuck things up once more. it doesn't matter. i was getting to dependant on him for my happiness. i should have learned my lesson on that already. i'm ashamed of myself, needing his laugh to feel happy. or the thought fo him too feel a wave of wamrth over me. im fucking crazy. i don't know what's happening. got any advice?
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Thursday, February 9, 2006

you always say different. can`t u see how wrong u are??? i can`t say it enough, you don,t understand. at least one of you is partly right. not that it makes any difference. u both drive me crazy. all three of u. i dont fucking care if im not making any sense. you are so wrong about all of it, you have no clue whatsoever, u are so far from what it really is that it makes me want to cry. literally!

i'm all mixed up like crazy. a bunch of shit with my family, then this crap. whatever. i can handle it on my own. im proud of myself. i haven't told anybody what i'm really talking about overhead. i mean, the people who hurt me most are the people less aware of my pain. it no matter though. i will feel better soon enough, as long as my plans work.

i find choir quite boring now. the teacher isn't strict enough. we don't get any work done. whatever. i am just mad because i haven't been able to sing at all much, and i guess that's somethnig that i always enjoyed alot.

i can't wait to go to churche this sunday. i hope i can go. i am looking forward to it. i never used to do that before, when i did go to church. i guess it just makes me happy.

i am starting to work next week. i can't wait. i think i'm goina love working. everyone keeps downsizing the fact that i got a job, only cuz it at mcdonalds.i dunno why. i mean, i won't be making a career out of it, but it's a great start. i've always wanted to work in a restauraunt. now i will. lol, i won't get to be a waitress, but it'll be a start. once i'm old enough, i want to get a job at boston pizza or someplace like that.

mom and glenn have been talking for a while. not very seriously. they say once they are retired, both of them will still want to have something to do. they say they might buy a store, or a restaurant. then give me a job in it. once they are too old to run it, give it to me. i'd love that! i mean, i know it probably will never happen, but that would be awesome!

i guess nobody really cares about that kinda stuff. my family, and my friends dont care about all that stuff that i babble about. they, ofcourse, take the time to check my wrists and shit like that, but never do they listen nor care about even the biggest dreams. i guess it my fault. i don't really tell anyone about them. i've told my fairy about one of my biggest dreams. funny, i've never met ahmed, but he can read me better then anyone here. alot better then mom , or travis, or even greg. it don't really matter. i guess it cuz my fairy is magical. you know, one day, he will fly with me, once i learn.

i know i am talking non-sense. i don't care. if you are annoyed with me, then don,t read this crap anymore. i don't really give a fuck.
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