Wednesday, February 8, 2006

you will never fucking understand me! i fucking hate you! no, i don't hate you, i only hate what you do to me! you won't ever stop hurting me will you? ever since we met you have been hurting me! both of you! they were right! i should never have come here. i should have stayed home! i should have waited or gone with him! i could have found something! anything but this! you just don't understand! you fucking lier! you say youdo, that's nothing but a fucking lie! why do you always do this to me?!?!?!do you enjoy toying with me?!?! you say you get it, yea sure. but at the first chance you have you prove me wrong! you make me regret believing you! you drive me crazy! no fucking wonder i always wanna cry! look at what you two, you three have done to me! the things you don't even pay attention to is the things i care about the most. the things you make little jokes about and the things you don't even know about! i am making myself sick over it and you are flying around in lala land!!!!! you have no fucking idea! all of you! just leave me ALONE!!!!!
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i think i am kinda maybe a bit better today. i still feel like crying and i wanna go home, but Travis seems to feel better now so that makes me happy. i really wanna see him. i am going to try and see him, if only for five minutes, if i can. i know i can't today, but i'll keep trying.i really miss him.


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Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Raechel told me travis is fine. his jaw-breaking-ness went well. i still want to see him. it not the end of the world tho.

i am in class, as usual. i am scared today. i don't know why. i want to go home.

why does this happen so often to me? out of nowhere i wanna cry and go home and sleep and just be by myself. i want a hug very much. whatever. i should be happy today. i'll act it, like always when this happens. nobody will notice.
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Monday, February 6, 2006

just some stuff i found on the internet...
As I look outside I see the breeze
Caress the leaves from the trees
And carry them to all around
Gently laid upon the ground
I see the birds so high above
Their songs sing of our special love
And laid upon their soft sweet wing
Your love to me they gently bring
And as they start their graceful descent
Delivering a message that’s heaven sent
One thing I know and will hold so dear
When I see them fly I will feel you near

- Paul Marchant -

Love, like a river, will cut a new path
whenever it meets an obstacle.

- Crystal Middlemas -

You know you are in love
when you see the world in her eyes,
and her eyes everywhere in the world.

- David Levesque -

Love feels no burden,
thinks nothing of trouble,
attempts what is above its strength,
pleads no excuse of impossibility...
It is therefore able to undertake all things,
and it completes many things,
and warrants them to take effect,
where he who does not love would faint and lie down.
Love is watchful and sleeping, slumbereth not.
Though weary, it is not tired;
though pressed, it is not straitened;
though alarmed, it is not confounded...

- Thomas A. Kempis -
Love is like a mountain,
hard to climb,
but once you get to the top
the view is beautiful.

- Daniel Monroe Tuttle -



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Saturday, February 4, 2006

i am not mad at greg anymore. we talked yesterday for a long time and now everything is good again. i'm happy about that. being mad at greg takes lotz of effort.

i am really worried about travis. i know he will be able to pass his surgery with flying colors, but i'm still worried. i want to be there with him. help him.

i went to lunch with my dad today. i guess it was ok. nothing special. i wonder why i still look up to him and try to make him love me...

i am hoping to go to church tomorow. i like going to church with lizbef's family. my family. lol, i was thinking of that today. i have three families. i don't they will ever come together as one family, they are al so different. thats ok. i guess it means i won't be alone for a while. i like that thought.
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Friday, February 3, 2006

i can't stand any of this anymore. i am not to talk to travis anymore. he told me to stop talking to him, and he willl stop taling to me. fine. i don't fucking care anymore. i don't need him or greg or anyone else in this fucking place.

i am still mad like crazy at greg. i can't help it. it's like he likes slapping me across the face. but, even when i'm mad at him, i still can't seem to say a word against him. i guess i can say that i'm mad at him, but mostly only on here.

problem is, i think i may have becoma a little dependant on him. i mean, like every time my dad calls....like today....i always talked to him. most of the time anyways. he, at least, told me the truth. but, whatever. it's good i'm mad at him now. i can't be dependant on anyone. and i can't deal with my dad by cutting my arms either. so, i guess it just means that it's time to find some way to figure it out on my own without physical pain. whatever.

bryce keeps calling me, asking me out. i am hoping it only cuz he's bored. that's what he sais. i think i believe him.

i've been getting into bad habits again. from a few monthes ago. i really have to stop. at least im not cutting again, although, i kinda wanted to today after dad called.
travis sais i have to write something new on here. he sais i always write the same stuff. that was a while ago he said it. a month or something ago. i will try harder not to write down any of my feelings on this particular site anymore. i guess i just got back into the habit after i tried the first time. he is right, i guess. it's better to write about my dumbass weak feelings where nobody i know can see them. i guess i just don't write anything new cuz i ain't feeling anything new. i still secretly bleed from my heart when it comes to my dad. i still want to cry alot, for no apparent reason. my headaches have come back. i'm still trying to hate greg, or at least stay mad at him, with not much success. and, i'm still completely confused about my whole fucked up by my own stupid slef life.

have any advice?
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you can just fuck off! you drive me fucking nuts and i hate it! it may not be the best place ever but holy fucking shit i think it will do me a little good. dont talk to me about travis anymore like that either you fucking bastard! just because u ca`'t get that girl to like you back dont mean u have the right to be a fucking ass hole! u say u dont care, wel, did u stop to think your carelessness may fuck u over in the long run? cuz thats whats happening. i wont speak a word against you, like everyone else, i still, for some reason or another feel i should defend you when i can. you just make me so mad. that's all. whatever.
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Wednesday, February 1, 2006

you drive me so crazy, you confuse me and never give my mind a moment's peace! i love you and want to be with you, and you are running from me. i would run from me too, i am sounding pretty crazy. i don't care. you make me cry. that's why i know. i hope we will be together forever, but i am not wise. i am young and ignorant. i keep making the same mistake over and over again. i can't wait to see you. i still think of you day and night. i think i am going insane. i am so happy that i have you, even though i can't see you. i still trust you alot more then i should. i don't think you are being unloyal or unfaithful, but if you are, then so be it. i am always so happy, thinking of you. when someone sais anything agaisnt you, i want to fucking rip their head off, that was sometimes the reason i cut myself. not sometimes, actually, only once. it ovrerwhealmed me so much. i don't cut myself now, wich makes me even more happy, and i am happy every day. i must sounds pretty stupid/annoying/crazy but i don't care. when u say things about me, say that you want to be with me, you are always so sad. why is that? i know you seem to be sad all the time by nature, but why does the aspect of ebing with me make you sad. maybe i am not the one you wish to be with? or you don't think we will ever be together? or what? i am very confused. oh well. on the bright side, it makes me think! lol, i sounds so dumb when i say that. so yea, i am always thinking of i! doesn't help much at school, but that's ok, i can concentrate on both. i hope that one day you will see the glass half full intead of half empty. life is beautiful, you should embrace it!
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Monday, January 30, 2006

i went to churche with lizbef yesterday. i got to hear her sing. it was very fun. i also went to a job interview yesterday and that made me all happy cuz i can`t wait to get a job. ol. anyways, yea. i have an exam in about half an hour an i'd better go study. it's a science exam and i no all that good at science. lol. anyways, yea.

you say you are so alone. what you cannot yet see, is that you are never alone. when you love someone, they are with you always, in your heart and on your thoughts.

wish me luck on my exam!
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Thursday, January 26, 2006

ok, i am done my exam. i think i did well enough. it was cold in the gym, after the first hour anyways. oh! and the water i was drinking said sidium free on the front of the bottle, and on the side where the chart thing is, it said sodium 0,5 mg!!!!. ok, sorry, i was looking at that and the walls/celing for half an hour. i finnished 30 minutes beofre we were allowed to leave, and an hour before we had to leave.

i am in info with vickie now. i am bored out of my mind. she has work to do, and told me to come with her. so i did. lol. anyways, yea, i goina go now. i bored. byebyes everyone.


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