Monday, January 16, 2006

it was so different then.it was so magical and wonderful. in my imagination, my life is like this. it's what i wish for. a life of work and challenges and true undying happiness. i don't know what i'm talking about. i think i've been reading too much again.

you say people should be proud of me. i'm sorry, but i have to say, i believe you are very wrong. the only things i can be proud of is the people who love me. i am very lucky, and i don't deserve all the love they have given me.

you haven't answered my questions. do you love me? will you love me forever? do you need me? will you never leave me? will you make me so happy for the rest ofmy life? will you take me away and make me your wife?

don't bother answering any of it though, it's a song. it's one that i've been thinking of for a very long time. i don't think i'm ready to hear the answer yet.

i'm sorry for all the pain and trouble i've caused. i know i've caused it. everyone who tried to get close to me gets hurt. i don't want anyone to know what i don't even understand myself. i want to make something of myself, make something they could be proud of. a bratty little child is not that.
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Friday, January 13, 2006

do you love me, will you love me forever, do you need me, will you never leave me, will you make me so happy for the rest of my life, will you take me away and will u make me your wife?

i heard it, repeated it, and am saying it again now. i've thought it, wondered about it, doubted it and still wonder about it constantly. is it the truth? how can i know one from the other?

love me, love me , say that you love me, hold e hold me, come on and hold me...a song, i wrote on my hand, heard somewhere, i don't know where. been singing it for three days.

why don't i understand? i've thought about it enough that i should understand it by now. some days are different then others. some days i feel like crying, others i feel like rejoicing. then there is you. sadness and happiness have ways of mixing together. i wonder if i will ever see you again.

i was so content yesterday, then, when the day went away, i was angry. not because of the sun leaving, for other reasons.

i want to be different. i want it to work. i don't want them to be right. i want them to be right though. in some ways, i suppose. but i know they cannot possibly be right. it is the way i want it to be, for now. i am hoping the futur is the way i imagine it. i hope i can make them proud of me. i hope i can make him proud of me.
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Thursday, January 12, 2006

   i went to go see daniel powter and brian adams in concert yesterday. it was great. glenn brought me. we had so much fun. i was kinda wishing i had my sweetheart with me like the whole time. fuck, i'm getting really corny. at least i am feeling much happier lately. i started feeling happy yesterday after school, walking home. i unno why. nothing out of the ordinary happened. just walked home with travis then got home and got bitched at, then lizbef and maman and papa and petite soeur came over for 2 minutes just to stop by and drop off my walet, then me and glenn left for the concert and stayed there for like 4 hours or something, then came home and read for like 2 more hours or something then passed out. lol. sounds like fun??? i loved it. anyways, yea. walking home with travis again today. can't wait! i wanna get a job, yet i still play with soap bubbles in the bathtub! ok, sorry, that was weird, but i don't care! i want to enjoy my happiness while i still can. it usually goes away when i get home. i unno why. whatever. anyways, i guess i'll talk to you later or something. i not sure if i can go on msn today. byebyes
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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

   i em in class again...i unno how i feels today...greg sais i don't love travis...he may be right, and he may be wrong...all i know is that i'm crazy about the guy...i mean, everytime i think about the futur, wich i have been doing alot of lately, i unno why, i see it with Travis there by my side. either my husband or boyfriend or best friend or anything, i don't know. i guess i may very well be crazy, but it's how i see it. it's may not work out that way, but when someone sais futur, that's the first thing that comes to mind. i don't try to think about it, it's just there. not that i mind in the least. anyways, i'd better get back to excel. teacher is gonna git mad. byebyes
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Saturday, January 7, 2006

i think there is something wrong with me other then the usual....
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Friday, January 6, 2006

im so confused about this. i've been wanting to cry again. i've thought of ripping up my wrist some more. i think pretty much the only reason i didn't, the only reason i stopped from starting is that i don't have a godamned sweater here with me! i am trying to make things better, to look at the bright side. i really do think i love him, because no matter how much he hurts me and slams me down, i still am crazy about him and think of only good things about him. lizbef sais i don't love him, i think because she doesn't really think i can figre this out on my own without fucking up or soemthing. she didn't tell me that, but that's what everybody thinks about me right? i'm a stupid little dumbass loser who doesn't know shit about life or living it wisely. whatever, i don't really care. i realized something today. i trust so easily, it's my own fault i keep getting hurt. i am stupid when it comes to that. i trust people i shouldn't, even after they've lied to be and broken my trust numerouse times. i can't even trust myself anymore. i wish i could get slugger hard every time i meet someone new. so then, i could keep from trusting them, kinda like a reminder to my dumb self. not like i could think of anything myself right? i don't really know whats wrong with me, i'm getting all bitter and depresed again and i don't like it. i don't think i like to grow. the more i grow older, the more complicated life gets. at the same time, i wish i was older already, so then i coul at least have my freedome to do what i think i need to do to make this all better.
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she sais i have to act love, even when i don't feel it. love is unconditional. even when i can't feel it, when i'm mad or depressed or careless, i always have to act love. she told me just to keep working at learning who my dad is. she told me it can take me a whole life time to figure out who he is in the smallest most simplest way. she sais when you are younger, it is usually alot harder to know if u are in love with someone or simply have an infatuation. she sais you may think you love them, and them you, but you may just be in love with the idea of being in love. she also sais that infatuation can turn into love. i asked her what it felt like to be in love, what it meant. to try and get less confused, about my sweetheart and about my dad. it only made it worse where my sweetheart is concerned, but i think it helpled me with my dad. im still very confused about travis, he isn't just another boyfriend, i know that much. im crazy about him, i know. with love? infatuation? my imagination? i don't know, but i want to find out. probably nobody reads this site, and i don't mind, cuz im already stupid enough to write about this on here, when i should be writing on my other site. anyways,i hope all your days are good. im still at lizbefs with marina. it fun. we are watching sky high. id better go for now. byebyes.
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Thursday, January 5, 2006

   i am still at lizbef's house, and babysitting her lil' sister. it's quite fun and she is no trouble at ll. we are going to do some baking soon. school will start next week and i will get to see alot of people again. i have cat scratches all over my arms and shoulders. lizbef got a new little minou. her name is minou. lol. have any ideas of what we should bake???
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you dont love me...u told me i always seem to say the same thing...so i wont say anything anymore...what i write on this site is what is in my head and heart...yea, sure, i always say the same thing...and still nobody listens to me..and i dont want the to...if im that fuckng predictable, then dont read this site! fine, i wont say anything about what im really feeling! ill lie!i mean, ive already learned from the best how to do that.but no matter, ive known how to hide my feelings since i was old enough to understand what that means. from now on, just concider me a robot. i have no feelings, u can't hurt me anymore. i dont feel pain, nor love. then again, whats the difference between the two? so, from now on, all thats goina be on this site is the occasional i am at a friends house or i am at my memere's house ok? so, ill strt right now. i am at lizbef's house for the rest of the week, then on sunday i am going to supper with my dad. im sure it will be fine. as this week at lizbef's has been fun. bye for now.
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Wednesday, January 4, 2006

you still don't seem to understand...i am crazy about you...i try not to show it...i tell myself that it is only an infatuation...a strong one maybe...since i can't seem to stop thinking about you at all...for six monthes, i don't think i've stopped thinking about you every hour of every day...i thik im going crazy...i hope the new year brings joy to everyone...i hope the new year will make my sweetheart feel better...lord knows i've tried to do it myself...i will continue trying...but, the fact that i know nothing of the sort is kinda working against me...i am going to supper with my dad on sunday...i dont want to...shaeleigh will be there...i dont want to see my dad...i love im so much...i hate him! i dont want to see him, then say goodbye once again...im so onfused about him! i want to be with him, learn everything about him, know him, but at the same time i never want to see him again, bease if i do, i will only be lied to again and i will have to say goodbye and i will be trying so damned hard to make him proud of me and make him smile at me and it wont work because it never does!!!well, i guess im already doing all of that, only not every day since i only see him like once every two monthes now. i dont even see him once a month anymore! sometimes it is three four monthes before i see him again! i fucking hate it! i never want to see him again! i want to see him every weekend like i used to! i hate saying goodbye! i never want to leave him! i cant fucking stand him! i hate him !he is a stranger! he doesnt know a thing about me the fucking ass hole and he calls himself my dad! he hurts me so fucknig much it makes me sick! that isnt true, i am making myself sick over him. there is a difference. but i just cant help it! he makes me so mad! i would do anything for him, if only he asked! but it doesnt fucking matter, he doesnt give a shit! i cat even make the man smile! i am fucking pathetic. i should not be bitching about him at all, but simply leave him alone. seems like what he wants, so why not? because i love him so much i want to be with him and i want to learn everything about him and i want him to lvoe me back....it will never happen. ive been trying for my whole life, although it has not been very long yet, it is still a long time for me. i have only one thing to say about him....he is my hero, my torturer, my father and a stranger...i love him...
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