Tuesday, December 27, 2005

he still doesn't understand...i doubt he ever will...he knows my eyes are green...he sais he misses me....he has no idea how much he confuses me...but i don't want it to stop...if it ever does stop...we are to be moon married...lol, you know...prick your finger, draw a little blood...drop a drop onto his heart...be with him always and forever...lol, corny i know....kinda like a friends forever type thing...but i unno why i like that kinda stuff...i guess, since i've been feeling this way...like im alone...then maybe with him always wih me..i wont feel that way anymores...i mean, that's not really true anymore....feeling alone...i've been talking to someone alot...i am never alone anymore....they are always with me...help me alot....i dunno, its just the way i feel now...i am never alone...but, i would still like him in my heart forever...so that, when we are both spirits, we can find eachother...sorry, im very odd today....byebyes for now
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, December 25, 2005

he has no fucking idea! i don't want anything from him fuck! he didn't even know i like musicboxes, it was a fucking coincidence. it meant so much to me when i opened it. it was so beautiful. it said, to my daughter, my joy. it made me so fucking happy. guess what? leanne bought it! it was her idea. neither of them knew i liked music boxes, that it was a passion of mine. he made me so happy, then he answered my question, and it felt like he stabbed at my heart with a thousand knives! i dont know why i actually thought he put some thought into something about me, he doesnt even know me. i wanted to throw the damned thing at him! it was beautiful, when i thought he chose it. now i realize it's ugly and stupid and pointless. he has no idea how much he means to me, he has no idea how much he hurts me. my knucles where white from holding back from throwing it at him, and i c9ould barely keep myself from bursting out crying. my daughter, my joy. ha! bullshit you fucking bastard! u have no fucking idea that u used to be my hero. i love you so much, and i would still give my life for you, any day, but please, will you stop breaking my heart? it hurts so much. even mom sees it, why cant you. she tells me, that my heart breaks every time i talk about you. i break into tears thinking about all the times u hurt me. it still hurts you know. im still bleeding. i dont think i'll ever stop. i love you so much....
Comments (1) | Permalink

Saturday, December 24, 2005

lmao. i judt got to read the comments on my last post. u all think i like adame more then a brother or a friend? lol!!!ok, sorry to be laughing so much lil'bro, but i just don't think i ever even thought of u that way. lol, as i said, u are like family to be and i love u like crazy and care about you alot, but as a brother! lol, i said i don't want any passion, and that means with adame or anybody. lol, sorry to make u all think i liked him that way, i just meant what i said, i didn't have any secret love message or whatever. lol, he is just a friend, a brother, but thanks for the smile tho, i kinda needed it! lol. i at my grandparents houe at the moment for xmas. dad is here too. he taught me how to make someone sit down, how to make em stand up, and how to controle what they do. lol, it soooo kewl! anyways, yea, merry x-mas everyone! keep your imaginations wild like that! it's fun to read what u all think i mean by what i say! love you!
Comments (2) | Permalink

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

u say u hope my new passion is better then ours has been...i don't really want any passion at the moment...i got a bunch of romantic adventure stories already, and they are all lies, and if this new passion comes into me head and heart, i know alreay that it too, will all be lies. plus, maybe the cards were wrong, and there was a mistake or something...maybe i will overlook the signes leading me to this new passion...i think i am becoming sicker by the moment....i think it is because i've not had any rest...i've had a little sleep, yes, just the usual, but i've not had much rest at all...my nights are becoming more and more restless at the thought of being alone...completely...she will leave, people at school will become less and less aware...i will become more distant with my family and friends...something. i don't know...i keep thinking of little brother for some reason...as if he can answer theses questions...or help me understand...i am still restless to leave...to find my own hapiness, my own home somewhere...the cards told me not to leave...so i won't yet...i just wish they could send me some sort of sign...i wish i could have my freedome only for a short while...to taste what i am hopeing is going to be my futur...i wish....so much i wish for....but when i ask it...it doesn't seem like all that much....freedome, rest, health....yes, that is alot to ask for...i know i will have to get it myself...because if i cannot help myself, then nobody else can help me...not angels...not my friends...nor my family...nobody...sorry for being all weird today...i guess i'm in odd state of mind or whatever....headache coming back...see you later i guess...
Comments (3) | Permalink

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

i may not be on msn for while...headache...at school...confused..but happy for the moment...kinda a little bit ick...but not really...anti-biotics make feel better...miss lil'brother...miss tiger...not allowed to walk after school no more...taking ride or bus...sucks...want to be alone..i mean, like couple wise...but still wanna run away...angel cards told me not to, also that there would be a new passionate romance in my life soon...i scared...i no want one...they said i would have to be very independante and learn new things in the new little while..i guess that means i will be all alone to deal with everything...oh well...anyways, that was my last reiki till estelle comes back...sigh..i always left that place so happy though...i'll tough it out..ain't the end of the world...
Comments (1) | Permalink

Monday, December 19, 2005

Travis came over...tried to kiss me a million times..succeeded once. i don't think he understands that me and him aren't together anymores. i can't keep going back and forth anymores, it has to be one or the other. and i don't think i should be with anyone right now. not for a while. why can't him or anyone else get that? isn't it possible that it may actually do me some good to not be with anyone? anyways, i haven't been at school in a little while. mom sais she wants me to stay home. i dont wanna argue with her, cuz, for once, i want to stay home rather then go to school. anyways, i hope to see my friends from school again before school ends, i have candy canes i wanna give them^^i know it's corny, but candy canes are the best^^anyways, i have to go. i guess i might see some of u later maybe, sorry i haven't been on msn. love ya lil'brother^^
Comments (3) | Permalink

Thursday, December 15, 2005

a few people have been telling me to feel better i need another boyfriend, someone different. i think i'll be alot happier on my own for a little while, on the contrary. im not sure how long a little while may be. in my head right now, im thinking a few years, lol, but that'll probably change. i have to strighten out my life a little bit. fuck, im too young to have fucked up my life this much. oh well. and travis, since im pretty sure ull read this, no, u did not fuck up my life, as you always say. so stop saying sorry for it. little bro, i miss talking to you lotz, cuz u always make me smile. u know, a few days ago, i was making plans to run away to lil' bro's house for a while, then continuing on running away. i dunno why. i guess i just wanted to be around family. lol, that sounds so corny. lol. whatever. i have to go now, before i start bawling again. cya.

ps: dont mind the oddness, i am really fucked up at the moment
Comments (0) | Permalink

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

confusion...frustration..pain...misery...indifference...anger..fear...a few of the things i fell at the moment. you realy don't get it. i did it again...i can't stop. i haven't cried. i put it in a little box inside me, and locked it. it what i do i guess. i want to see him, be in his arms again...i have no idea why...i still want to run away. this place isn't home to me. i want to run somewhere far. i want him to come with me....but at the same time...i want to go alone...i want to prove tomyself that i am not only being a fool. i may be..i don't know..if i come back crying like a baby, then yes, i am a fool. but if i head out alone, and actually make it, then i can call myself independant and strong. ther eis one way to find out. i will not leave yet, i can't leave when everything is getting tangled up...it would be running from my problems. when i leave, i want only to leave to finnaly find my happiness. i want to live out my dream, and i want to become as strong as i've always wanted to be. i want to run into problems and obsticles that make it hard for me. i want to hit times that make me want to turn back and give up. ...sigh...i will try and make things work...at least, for a while...
Comments (2) | Permalink

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

lil'bro, if u read this, i need your help. i hate this. i told you greg, that i would be better, but i never knew this would happen. all of this! i've told u before, i'm not very strong. i took a test, on the interenet. me and david both took it. i am a wolf demon. the description of it actually made sense. i mean, i guess you wouldn't think of me as a wolf, but it explains alot. but then again, it's just a stupid internet quiz. it probably all bull. i have reiki again today. she keeps telling me much about wolves, and eagles. she tells me what my dreaming of wolves means, why i keep having the same dreams over and over again. i think it's the music. my wrist is almost all healed up, so u can't even tell bout before like while ago. there is like nothing there. there are a few little tiny scars that u can barely notice, and a few galles too, but that's it. i keep getting dizzy and lightheaded and feeling sik. i don't know why. my headaches keep coming back still, and i stopped taking any medicine stuff for it, cuz it no work. i think i may be starting on strep throaght again. i hope not though, i really hated it. i am really begining to hate my life at home. as soon as i walk through the front dorr, it's like bars close in all around me. i have not even a moments peace. travis sais he doesn't like quiet much, well, there is something else we are opposite on...i want silence. not city silence, real silence. i miss that alot. at least then i could hear myself screaming all alone, know that nobody can hear me screaming, nobody can seeme cry. i guess that only just existed in my head and my heart, but i still think of it. i am now always screaming in there, always crying. i can handle all of this, with or without you. i can take care of myself.
Comments (2) | Permalink

Monday, December 12, 2005

you say you worry about me, you say you don't want me to be unhappy. don't bother worrying, i can take care of myself. u mesure my happiness in smiles, and since i haven't had a real one in a while, u think i am unhappy. well, i am not going to tell you whether ou are right or not, i am only going to tell you that if i want to smile and show that i am happy, i damn well will! That's why not you or anyone else understands me!i doubt you ever will. i seriously hope nobody ever will...there was only one person i ever wanted to understand, and for hem to understand me, and as everything else i wish for, that person doesn't exist. i realize that now, although i should never have beleived it in the first place. i was right greg, this is what i deserve...
Comments (2) | Permalink