Jump to User:

myOtaku.com: ange-noire

Welcome to my site archives. 10 posts are listed per page.

Pages (46): [ First ][ Previous ] 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 [ Next ] [ Last ]



Sunday, December 11, 2005


does it always feel this odd? hurt this much? make u this confused? i don't know what i'm talking about...but everytime i am about to fall asleep, i imagine him beside me, holding me in his arms...i don't know, i just stupid i guess. anyways, on better side of things, went to mika's for the night and we phoned lil'bro and was funny cuz i couldn't talk. lol. anyways, i guess i'll talk to ya all later...byes
Comments (2) | Permalink



Saturday, December 10, 2005


I think i knew it was coming, i'd been thinking of it for a while. it doesn't matter now anyways, it happened. in a way, it's kindof releiving, but in other way, more then kinda makes u feel like shit! anyways, yea. travis and me decided to break up. we decided it was for the best. anyways, it's kindof hard to get used to...i guess it cuz i still on phone with him. it doesnt seem as if anything is different yet...we are still talking...i still want to be in his arms...i still miss him...sigh...
Comments (3) | Permalink



Friday, December 9, 2005


i don't know why exactly...he started saying stuff...i got scared...felt so much like crying...couldn't cry in front of them...under the jacket...did something...i still scared...again...couldn't find anything...i have to go to place soon...i can't...my head still hurts...i can't really feel all the hunger anymore, i think i'm getting used to it...don't matter...i think i'm scared...but not exactly...i have to go see my dad tonight....and the step-sister...i don't want to see her...i want to go home...i want to go home so much.....i want to go home...why can't i ever just go home???
Comments (1) | Permalink

Sang in a christmas concert yesterday night. had much much fun^^and kinda screwed up a few times, but it ok, nobody heard me....i hope. lol. Anyways, i got flipped upside down when i was trying to over power greg(i will one day) and he hurt my wrists! lol, not really, but i have to try and be at least pretend-mad at him for something! lol. i'm in french class and we are working on a project. anyone have any interesting facts about exploitation of soft lumber? lol. anyways, better get to work. love you all, and to all a goodday!
Comments (2) | Permalink



Tuesday, December 6, 2005


i sang in choire today...we sang christmas songs...i am still sliping by unoticed, but i guess that's life. have u noticed, the way people never notice you if u do something right, but always notice and lever let go of the things you do wrong?...headaches still here. had one this morning, but went away after first class. it came back after a while. now i ok. it really not that bad today. just suble ache. i guess hunger makes headaches go away. lol. yea, i didn't have anything but a cup of coffee today. but i'll eat when i get home. no big deal, i just forgot to bring a lunch. i'll probably pig out on a bunch of crap when i get home^^that proves i cannot possibly be startving! lol. yea, greg and devin made me all smiley at improv yesterday, but when i got home i got all depressed again cuz mom was bitching at me once more. probably will again today. whatever, i used to it by now. lol. was pretty smiley today today kinda ish most of time. anyways, i think i will probably get sick with the flue from lizbef. but it no matter. byebyes people.
Comments (3) | Permalink



Monday, December 5, 2005


i am still slipping by unoticed. being a girl, i think is in a way worse then being a boy. i still want to leave, although i am crossing the idea from my list of choices. for now anyways. i read about mika and her fear of her father. i didn't think there was anyone else afraid of their father. well, i used to be afraid of him. sometimes i still am. he hasn't yelled at me for a long time. i doubt he will yell at me now. if he yells at me, wich i hope he does, for i deserve it for my stupidity and neglecting my responsibilities, i will just let him yell at me. i still want him to hit me. i want anyone to hit me. i deserve being yelled at and being hit...i think i really miss talking to greg. he didn't yell at me or hit me, but at least he told me what i needed to hear. definetly not what i wanted to hear, but what i needed to hear. i miss that. oh well, as always, i fucked up things on my own. if i want to be hurt and hit and in pain, i have to do it mysel. i won't, because i know it won't do anything but make things worse, so i will go without the pain. i mean, i guess it the good thing to do. pain is but the easy way out...my enthusiasm for singing seems to be dessipating quickly. now, i go to choir only to stand or sit, pretend to be singing, but unable to force any air out of my throat and make a sound. i am, almost constantly in some sort of subtle pain. this pain however, seems to be coming from headaches mostly. i have stopped taking medicine for them, for i don't think it's doing anything. there is no point taking medicine every 4 hours of pretty much every day to get rid of headache if the headache still doesn't go away. all i'm doing is putting unnatural substances in my body, making me even less healthy then i already am...i am starting to not see any point in going to the corner. i am barely spoken to unless somebody wants something, or if they are asking me whats wrong. i hate that so much. only because of a lack of smile on my face, they assume that there is something wrong...went on a feild trip today, imax. i've been noticing lately, and again today, more then once, that i am dizzy and light headed and weak. i don't know why. i've eaten breakfast and lunch today, both more then usual. i haven't done much but sit around since this morning, so i couldn't have spent much energy...i took a shower yesterday and saw a bunch of bruises on my leg, probably from jumping on the ice, and, offcourse, falling a few times....i think the year or so that i've lived in the city has changed me immensly. although i am still very much the same, some of my perspectives have changed. i am starting to see how people really are, the people whom i've spent my whole childhood. i am starting to see how large the world is, and how lucky i am to be alive. i am also starting to see how stupid and ignorant i have been. how irresponsible and brainless. i am ashamed of so much now, regret so many things. whoever reading this, if u are someone who knows me in person, you probably think you know exactly what events i'm talking about. well, i can pretty much guarentee that you are wrong. i have kept so much from you. except for two people, no one here knows anything much about me. yes, u may know stuff that happened, stuff that i can tell you from day to day, but, then thing is, non of you ever knew or know what i felt during all of this, or what i feel now. the few times i tried to explain it, you never understood. i don't think u ever will...
Comments (2) | Permalink



Sunday, December 4, 2005


my hunny actually noticed it. lol. it feels good to have someone like that who notices everything. anyways, yuki came over for sleepover and she made me very scared in the dark. we wachededed princess mononoke and i love that movie and then we wachededed lain wich was very confusing, but still interesting. my hunny is talking to me and putting a smile on my face, as always. he is very good at doing that, making me smile. a simple grin or a few words is all it takes from him. i miss my love. i have not yet spoken to him since friday. i am still trying to come to terms with my feelings of this aquard situation i presently find myself in. i am hoping to be forgiven by greg soon, for, i hate to admit it, i quite miss talking to him. i am going to try to be better, think before making any more choices, but i find that it is not quite as easy as it sounds, changing old habits. i know i have my little brother to thank, greg and mika aswell. my love, my hunny, mari and yuki too. most i have to thank estelle and little brother. they have made me think alot, and made me realize many things i did not see before. i know i sounds stupid and corny and fake in all of this, but to tell you the truth, i don't really care anymore, what people think of me. i used to, alot. their comments and opinions of me, the things they said as my back was turned, ripped me apart inside. well, the past is done, and all that is left is the futur. i am hoping to make it a better futur then i forsaw happening if i had not yet realized theses things. have a good day.
Comments (2) | Permalink



Saturday, December 3, 2005


everyone i ever meet would have come into my life for a reason. this you don't seem to understand, this i am trying to tell you, trying to get you to listen. all the pain we go through is to teach us a lesson. to challenge us in some way. i wondered why i thought you so close to me, without having even known you. i am not sure if i am right, if my thoughts are correct, but i still think i am on the right track. you where there. she sais it was from somewhere else, but you where actually there! i saw your face, the love in your eyes as you looked down at yourchild's face. you say you push people away if you love them, well, maybe it has simply become a habbit to do so, one wich i will try to break. for, if this really happened, wich i beleive it did, then you are exactly the perwson i thought you were. the person i know you are today. i am grateful to have been shown this, for it has erased all doubts in my mind. i will try harder, make a better effort, and do better. i am sorry for the trouble i have caused, and please, do me a grand favor if i am so far from sanity again....slap me hard in the face and tell me to grow up, ok/ thank you.
Comments (0) | Permalink



Friday, December 2, 2005


i don't know what to do, i wanna run. i wanna leave here now! everyday it's the same thing over and over again! they just don't understand!!!! i hate it! whatever, i just hope my mom sends me somewhere for the summer, or something...i doubt it, she never let's me go anyhwere, so i won't hope for it.
Comments (1) | Permalink



Thursday, December 1, 2005


i don't know what to do, don't know how to feel. i think i'm scared. i wish he wasn't mad at me. i need to talk to him. i wish i could talk to her too. i hate admiting that i need help, but i think i do. i couldn't sing today. usually, it's what i count on to make me feel better. i'm going to the scary place today, if i can. i want to stop. it's getting worse...this is off the subject, but oh my god he couldn't have picked a worse time to bug me about my arm. same for she. whatever. they have no way of knowing what i have never told them....travis sais he should have done more to keep them from doing all that...he still doesn't understant that him trying to keep them from doing what is right would only make things harder for me, so if he meant trying to help me, he's kinda a little wrong. i wanna talk to Mari. i need her help. i really miss talking to her. i'm not afraid of telling her all of it. i don't think i can keep doing it. i mean, i can, but i can't. lol.......sigh.....i don't mind going to scary place. it wasn't scary before, but today i am terrified. i really did wish greg wasn't mad at me. at least he tells me the truth...same for mika....i feel bad for walking away, but i am tired of people thinking that i'm cutting myself bad or them telling me what to do. today...it's like i'm in a nightmare or something. nothing is there, i'm dreaming and i will wake up. i can't see anybody...but they are there....i don't know, i can't explain it. i just want to leave and go somewhere far away. i wish i could go explore a new land...try and live off of the land. chances are i'd be dead withing the first day....but at least i would live my dream for a day...going to a new place, alone in the middle of a forest...probably get eaten by a bear or drown myself or eat poisionouse berries or get bitten by a snake or something. seems like something i would do. i want to leave and go somewhere. even if it is only the swinging bridge. as long as i am not here. i don't want to go to the scary place again...although, i know i have to....whatever. i will never be able to live my dream....by the time i am old enough not to be trapped behind bars....the place will no longer exist....and i can't now...i mean, i can always run away...yea...i could do that...sigh...i don't know what to do....help?
Comments (6) | Permalink

Pages (46): [ First ][ Previous ] 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 [ Next ] [ Last ]