Wednesday, November 30, 2005

it's all happening again! i can't beleive it! i will fix it tomroow. not tonight. i will fix it tomrorow. now, if only i could breath again....
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it's all happening again! i can't beleive it! i will fix it tomroow. not tonight.
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sorry if i'm not on msn for a while...kinda grounded from it again. lol. as usual. i dunno how long thoug so yeah. anyways, had interestingly odd day yesterday...one i don't think i wanna repeat for a while. they are all trying to controle me...don't they know they are making it worse? i was getting better, then they started butting in and now i'm worse...but still fighting. i don't even know how to talk to them anymore. if they don't trust me to make the right decision, especially when it is my only logical choice to make, then they can't truly care about me. she sais she knows so much about me, knows what i'm feeling....then why is she always so far off target? this is something i can do myself....do well too...i can stop without them telling me to..them trying to tell me what to do is simply making me want to do the opposite. i hate it when people try and controle me!!!
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Monday, November 28, 2005

i miss him like crazy...i wanna be beside him again....god, i hope i get to see him soon...i just want to lie down beside him..never move...be in his arms...where there canot be any harm...while he is always in my heart...i still want very much to see his face...i miss him like crazy...
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Sunday, November 27, 2005

i wanna leave. i don't want to listen to this. i wanna go home. i wanna cry. i wanna scream. i just wanna leave. i wanna be with you.
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Saturday, November 26, 2005

another one...
here is another poem thingie...kinda suck,s a little bit, but whatever. started out as a name, but kept going, so yea. ...

if i am sleeping, is this a dream, or a nightmare?
when am i going to wake up? do i want to wake up?
should i beleive what is happening, or should i be afraid?
should i try to make myself wake up, or am i already awake?
am i here alone, or is someone else with me?
if i am not alone, who is here with me, why are they hiding?
whats going to happen when i wake up, will i forget all this?
what if i never wake up, what will happen then?
will i be trapt in this place forever?
if i never wake up, is there another way out?
if i do find another way out, what will it be?
where will this lead me, will i be alone there?
what if that place is also just another trap?
what if no matter how hard i look, i won't find anything but places like this?
is there nothing else out there, nothing at all?
and if there is, what is it like, where is it?
how to i get to this other place,is there anyone else there?
what if i just spend the rest of my life asking these question?
will i ever get an answer??


well, anyways, that was it. byebyes.

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Thursday, November 24, 2005

A POEM...
just a little something i wrote juring class...hope ya like it.

the sky is blue, but my heart seems clouded.
if there is a solution, i have not yet found it.
nobody seems to understand what i'm trying to explain.
no matter what happens, about him i feel the same.
i'm beginning to realize, with fear in my heart.
that alone i am now, like i was from the start.
i shouldn't have told him, shouldn't have caved.
for what i have done, i am greatly ashamed.

it not really done and yea. if u no like it, the go fuck yourself, i don't give a fuck.
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Wednesday, November 23, 2005

he is right. it was wrong. but, he does not know it all. the same thing was done to me afterwards, but worse. and i have learned my lesson. my feelings for him are unconditional. he thinks he knows everything. he knows some, but definetly not all. how can someone know me when i do not know myself? he sais there are still things unknown, well, i think there will always be. when he told me what i know now, i did not tell him what it did to me. still does. i know know what i did. i am truly sorry. i think, that maybe , if i had stayed there, then i could have fixed it. sometimes i think this anyways. other times i know why i did not stay. he always sais the same, always acts the same, but completely different. i can't tell if what he is speaking if the truth or not. i used to beleive everything anyone said. i think i'm finnally starting to learn a little. he thinks he is lying to me. i want to beleive that he is wrong. but after what i've been told, i'm not completely sure. i pretty sure i'm sure though, if that makes any kind of sense, but i still have a subtle doubt in my mind.i want to stop. i never want to do it again. before, i mean, before it all happened, i felt so safe. caged and tied, yes, but safe and wonderful and content. now, i feel happy and more myself and real. if only i could have both...it won't hapen though. it ended, and this will end someday, and then i will leave and not come back for whatever time i choose. when i did it, i felt nothing. devoid of emotion, feeling, passion. it gave me nothing but trouble and confusion. that is what is different now. passion, emotion. i know there is a chance that it is all a lie, a dream, but it still makes me feel like i am......somehow.......sigh...anyways, i am going to go. if u are smart, you will not pay attention to what i wrote. it's only mindless typing, thoughs in my stupid little head. goodnight.
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Tuesday, November 22, 2005

sleepless....
once again barely got any sleep. my own fault though. i stayed up till morning reading my new wonderful book, wich is now finnished and i started another one, wich makes it so i am probably goina stay up really late once again reading(i can't help it!) and by the end of the week i'm goina be super dead. anyways, i think i'm goina go to bed when i gett home, but then i will stay up later tonight wich will suck for waking up and i hate this whole sleepless thing, makes me tired all the time. anyways, love ya all^^
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Sunday, November 20, 2005

i think i need to start sleeping a little bit more. i've been going to bed stright after school, and right now i feela s if im going to fall asleep and it is not yet 6:30! anyways, nothing i can do about it now...we have company over. anyways, byebyes.
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