Monday, October 10, 2005

why the fuck didn't u tell me u fucking hated me so much? u tell me u wish me dead? well u know what? i wish the same for myself! u hate me so much, why didn't u tell me? u say u don't lie? well then why not tell me this to my fucking face? call me shit behind my back? tell it to my face? u want me out of your fucking life? congradulations! pretty soon, if all goes my way, u wont have to. oh nevermind, it don't matter. looks like u are going to be the first one to walk out!
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Monday, October 3, 2005

i have to go to ricky place! and then if i dont go to ricky, i have to live with him! i dont want to live with him! i barely know him! i hate it! only if i dont go to ricky, wich i am, although i dont really want to and its fucking driving me nuts and i love my brother very much. and i dont want to go to ricky andf i do0nt want to go away. its too far. i will never see anyone from here again and...oh god. well, for the most, it not like they would care. not many of em anyway. if i left, and i dont want to, i want to stay here. i dont want to have to leave again. its not home, but it the clo0sest thing i can have right now and i dont want to leave again. they made me cry, and then i couldnt stop and i couldnt breath and i dont to go and i want them to stop making me go and i dont want to go to ricky, but i dont want to go to him either. i dont want to leave, i will never see you again.
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Saturday, September 24, 2005

i learned sum damned awesome dancing, oh, and i learned to ride the fucking poll! poll dancing's fucking fun! im a natural poll dancer! except erica better then me, but if i had my own, i wud at least have the capabitlity to practice. damn, i was fucking flying! sorry, twas just fun! me and sara made up a bunch of new fucked up moves and erica and me tmade sexy poses for the camera. then, we were all dancing to bootylisciouse and the spice girls and shit like that! was so awesome!anwyays, yea, i havent slept since 6:22 am friday, and tis now saturday 10:51 pm, but not sleepy yet, so i gonna wait a few more hours. byebyes
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how do i manage to fuck up so badly? i can't stop worrying about whats going to happen, what i may do. what ill do to myself, or to others. what ill say to keep them all away. what ill do to be left alone once again. i just want to be alone. leave me alone! all of you! i just want to be alone, in the dark, by myself. is that so fucking much to ask right now?
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Friday, September 23, 2005

im fucking miserable and have no idea why. i had a pretty good morning i guess, but now all i want to do is cry and scream and fucking kill mysle.f i mean, ive felt this way before, many times, but i just have no idea why. i dont think anything bad happened, except for greg being a complete dumbass in his won way, and realizing that i am sevearly homesick. this place aint a home to me, its just a fucking hell on earth. well, not all of it i guess. i think i`ve fucked up my life. i hate myself for it. greg was right in the first place. i mean, not about everything, definetly, but still, he was right about some pretty important shit and i think im gonna go fucking crazy like this. its been happening alot lately, this feeling. im back to hating my parentss so fucking much, back to loveing school cuz its a retrat, but hating it cuz it only brings me to yet another cage. im back to wishing i was in pain physically, instead of this. god, i wish i could just get struck down by lighning or something. i wonder if anyone besides my family would miss me. maybe shley would, and lex and ash and trav, maybe, but thats basically it. my family, sure they`d miss me, but not all of them would. dad would probably be happy he didnt have to pay my colledge, leanne would have one less to compete with, and shaeleigh wouldnt have to try so hard to make me want to fucking rip her face off by acting exactly like me and copying every fucking thing i do. i dont think anybody from here would miss me, i mean, none of them actually knowe me. maybe lizbef would miss me. ofcourrse. i dnt know how i fucked up my life so much like this. my life was so much more simple and alot more painless when i was home. god, no fucking wonder i never wanted to live in the city. i really hate it here. whatever, its what i have right now, so whatever. i guess im really lucky, i mean, i have my own private group of fake friends and illegal jerks who pretend to give a shit. thats not a good thing to say i guess, they`re all wonderful. i guess im just sad cuz they arent the same to me as they are to everyone else. i have but myself to blame. ive become everything that i hate.
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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

i think i happy, but i cant really tell. i dont think i happy, but i dont think im sad either. i think im just...normal. lol. i hoping adame and beautiful get things figured out together, and i hoping to stop being so fucking loud when i talk. i also hoping to stop worrying bout stuff, but i kno that'll never happen, cuz i always worrying bout everything, and even that not enough to worry bout. lol. things getting odd, for people r misunderstanding things alot, like posts and art and writings and even talkingness. can't wait for improv to begin again, i mean, it did but i actually want to go to the next practice. lol. cant wait for choral celebration to start. i think that was the happiest time ever. lol. i can't stop singing lately, wich is not exactly good thing cuz first, i have strep or something like that, and have to take drugs for a week to git rid of it, and also, i think my voice got worse over the summer. i used to sing all happy all the time, like no matter what, now i sing heavy metal and even the happy stuff in choire, i cant seem to sing much of it no more. the only time i happy is when i sing, and everybody been telling me to shut the fuck up. well, one person in particular, but it dont matter. i guess ill just have to find a way to be happy without singing all the time, or simply not be happy at all. doesnt seem so bad. i mean, i am also very happy when climbing, but not alone. lol. i mean, not juust climbing trees, that just another way of putting it. i so very happy all the time when im climbing my tree. (i mean literally, i finally found a good tree!)so yea, i dont supposed anyone understood that, since it baasically an insider with myself. loll. byebyes people.
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Monday, September 19, 2005

ok so yea, im apparently a slut now. i dont mind being called that i guess, since i know different. i mean, alot of people would probably gladly disagree with me, and i dont blame them, but for this i cannot agree. all i did was talk to him, well, listen rather. i mean, everybody needs someone to talk to once in a while. whatever. i just hope she is not mad at me, cuz i dont think i really did anything wrong. i just listened to what he had to say bout work and not sleeping and everything. fuck, ill bet she has no idea how depressed he is now that she's not talking to him. he's talking like fucking crazy! god, i hope they figure things out together, i remeber how happy they both are when they're talking about eachother or even just mention eachother's name. it would suck if they didnt have that anymore.
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i doubt that the person i am about to speak of will read this, and i doubt that if they do, they will know i speak of them. i am sorry. i think there has been a misundersanding or something. someone told me you were mad at me because of something i wrote on this site aboiut you, about being mad at you or something. well, if that is so, then there really has been a misunderstanding. there is only one post about me being anything near mad at you, and there was something really wrong with me when i wrote it. i was not thinking clearly and i should not have said anything of the sorts. but, just so you know, most other posts that give away anger, are not about you. they are about someone else. and i can't really explain it right now, but if u really do read this and know its about you, then i can tell you in person. about the other posts i mean. or anything. i still feel i can tell you anything, although alot of my friends tell me i should hate you. wich i find odd since i stil think you should hate me. you know what i find a little funny? one of my friends, one who sees you almost every day at school, she sais she is deadly afraid of you and hates you. she asked me, do you ever talk to him or hang out in the corner when he there? i always say well, talk to him, not as much, but i wish i could. and hang out in the corner, yes. she asks me, but dont you hate him, i mean, arent you scared of him? i say no. he is a great person and i was stupid for ever being the slightest bit scared of him. i find that funny. i mean, she is scared of you, because she doesn't know that there is nothing to be afraid of. i know i am probably being foolish saying that, for it is a fact that you could hurt pretty much anyone, mentally and physically. fuck, you could probably kill someone like me without breaking a sweat if you wanted to. lol. i don't know why im not scared of you. i guess it's from the feeling of being around you. i guess that doesnt make any sense if u dont know what i mean, and i can't really explain it. basically, it's a pretty large part of why i loved being around you all the time, why i wished that i was with you when i wasnt. i guess this still dont make much sense, and i doubt it ever will. well, i know that i probably spent alot of my useless time writing this for no reason. nobody reads this, and you havent written on your site since the start of this month, i think anyways. i guess ill see you at school.
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Thursday, September 15, 2005

okay so yea. im supposed to be heling mika with sum pc homework on excel or something like that but i unno where she is right now asnd she should have been here a few minutes ago and i saw her for a sec but she didnt see me so yea. i have spare today cuz gym or soemthing like that or whatever so yea. still waiting for mika and she not coming so i going to go look for her now ok byes!!!
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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

i is in computer class once again and i bored and i feel like fucking shit today. i want to scream like fucking hell, and i dunno why, i mean, i thought i was doing good, since i handnt felt like this in like 4 days in a row so i tought that was pretty good. oh well. aso yea. i really want to go and run away home. i dont want to be with theses people. none of them give a fuck about me. seriously. i realized that today. i just wish i had shley and lex here. i mean, i dont even know if either of them give a fuck bout me, but they still should be here with me. i hate being alone! i hate it like fcuking hell. now i know what it feels like. all i want is to run away and never come back to this place. god, i hate this place! whatever. i aint got much choice. oh, ofcourse i could always go live with my dad. ha! and how long has it been since i`ve seen him?! i dont want to see him, and at the same time, i want to see him again. it`s hard to explain. whatever, nobody carews anyway, it not like i actually have any friends who give a fuck. lol. ill bet im probably talking to myself right now, i mean, noe of my " friends" read this anyways. and im happy they dont. how could i have been stupid enough to believe that any of them really cared about me. oh well, i can`t change any of it now. all i want right now is to scream and cry and fucking hit something!
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