Monday, September 12, 2005

so yea, in pc class right now. bored outa my face. had a little fun in choire but not much this time cuz we barely did nothing. i wanna sing!!!!. lol. anyways, yea. i learned how to changre my password! im soo happy! yea! lol. anyways, yea. i am learning to hate school and everybody in it. that kinda odd since i used to love school more then almost anything. lol. oh well. so yea, mika i think is begining to worry adame or soemthing with all her kiddingness. she meeted a hot guy appaerntly. lol. i was making fun of her in gym and at lunch. he gotz blue hair so i wanna meet him cuz i already met guy with blue hair and kno guy with blue hair but other one no have name and i love them both but one of them i dont kno only a guy that work at a place wh4ere i git my shirt and he talked to me and meggie alot and yea, not making sence. oh well, it no matter cuz nobody reads this anyways so i can say anything i damn well please so fuck you! haha. so anyways, i haveing odd kind of fun today at skewl. i going to see mme.witickerr aftr school then going to library to git me sum books cuz i miss books, i have none no more cuz mmika borrow all of them and i get bored now not reading and i need to escape before i go crazy again so yea, i mean, if i reading, then im not thinking about things. then if i not thniking, i not sad. anyways, yea. i goina go git me sum books and this is making no sense cuz nobody reading it anyways but i dont give a fuck! so yea, my dad called last night to say hi. i hate him. actually, no i dont, but i cant help saying it. i love him so much and i cant stop my heart from breaking everytime i even think of him. i want him back! i kno that sounds selfish but i dont give a fuck cuz nobody reading this anyway! i want him to love me again, if he ever did that is. i was too fucking young to kno the difference! i hate this! he didnt even say he wanted to see me and i havent seen him in like 2 monthes! god what the hell is the matter with me?! i shouldnt care! he was never there before so why the fuck should he start n? it makes no sense! d fucking dammit! i hate this and i want to go home. no i dont want to go home. i want to go to hell! fuck, its all i deserve after what i did to him. fuck i hate myself for lying and i wish i could take it all back. oh, whatever. i fucked up my life, and now i gottaa fiz it.
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so yea, in pc class right now. bored outa my face. had a little fun in choire but not much this time cuz we barely did nothing. i wanna sing!!!!. lol. anyways, yea. i learned how to changre my password! im soo happy! yea! lol. anyways, yea. i am learning to hate school and everybody in it. that kinda odd since i used to love school more then almost anything. lol. oh well. so yea, mika i think is begining to worry adame or soemthing with all her kiddingness. she meeted a hot guy appaerntly. lol. i was making fun of her in gym and at lunch. he gotz blue hair so i wanna meet him cuz i already met guy with blue hair and kno guy with blue hair but other one no have name and i love them both but one of them i dont kno only a guy that work at a place wh4ere i git my shirt and he talked to me and meggie alot and yea, not making sence. oh well, it no matter cuz nobody reads this anyways so i can say anything i damn well please so fuck you! haha. so anyways, i haveing odd kind of fun today at skewl. i going to see mme.witickerr aftr school then going to library to git me sum books cuz i miss books, i have none no more cuz mmika borrow all of them and i get bored now not reading and i need to escape before i go crazy again so yea, i mean, if i reading, then im not thinking about things. then if i not thniking, i not sad. anyways, yea. i goina go git me sum books and this is making no sense cuz nobody reading it anyways but i dont give a fuck! so yea, my dad called last night to say hi. i hate him. actually, no i dont, but i cant help saying it. i love him so much and i cant stop my heart from breaking everytime i even think of him. i want him back! i kno that sounds selfish but i dont give a fuck cuz nobody reading this anyway! i want him to love me again, if he ever did that is. i was too fucking young to kno the difference! i hate this! he didnt even say he wanted to see me and i havent seen him in like 2 monthes! god what the hell is the matter with me?! i shouldnt care! he was never there before so why the fuck should he start n? it makes no sense! d fucking dammit! i hate this and i want to go home. no i dont want to go home. i want to go to hell! fuck, its all i deserve after what i did to him. fuck i hate myself for lying and i wish i could take it all back. oh, whatever. i fucked up my life, and now i gottaa fiz it.
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so yea, in pc class right now. bored outa my face. had a little fun in choire but not much this time cuz we barely did nothing. i wanna sing!!!!. lol. anyways, yea. i learned how to changre my password! im soo happy! yea! lol. anyways, yea. i am learning to hate school and everybody in it. that kinda odd since i used to love school more then almost anything. lol. oh well. so yea, mika i think is begining to worry adame or soemthing with all her kiddingness. she meeted a hot guy appaerntly. lol. i was making fun of her in gym and at lunch. he gotz blue hair so i wanna meet him cuz i already met guy with blue hair and kno guy with blue hair but other one no have name and i love them both but one of them i dont kno only a guy that work at a place wh4ere i git my shirt and he talked to me and meggie alot and yea, not making sence. oh well, it no matter cuz nobody reads this anyways so i can say anything i damn well please so fuck you! haha. so anyways, i haveing odd kind of fun today at skewl. i going to see mme.witickerr aftr school then going to library to git me sum books cuz i miss books, i have none no more cuz mmika borrow all of them and i get bored now not reading and i need to escape before i go crazy again so yea, i mean, if i reading, then im not thinking about things. then if i not thniking, i not sad. anyways, yea. i goina go git me sum books and this is making no sense cuz nobody reading it anyways but i dont give a fuck! so yea, my dad called last night to say hi. i hate him. actually, no i dont, but i cant help saying it. i love him so much and i cant stop my heart from breaking everytime i even think of him. i want him back! i kno that sounds selfish but i dont give a fuck cuz nobody reading this anyway! i want him to love me again, if he ever did that is. i was too fucking young to kno the difference! i hate this! he didnt even say he wanted to see me and i havent seen him in like 2 monthes! god what the hell is the matter with me?! i shouldnt care! he was never there before so why the fuck should he start n? it makes no sense! d fucking dammit! i hate this and i want to go home. no i dont want to go home. i want to go to hell! fuck, its all i deserve after what i did to him. fuck i hate myself for lying and i wish i could take it all back. oh, whatever. i fucked up my life, and now i gottaa fiz it.
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Tuesday, September 6, 2005

why the fuck do i worry like this every fucking time for every fucking day! i hate this! my god! im freaking out! again!!! fuck, i need to get out of here now. im going crazy! i have so long to wait. i cant do it. its so hard. i dont want to do it. i dont want to wait longer. oh, but fuck, been such a fucking dissappointment to everybody lately, i dont deserve what i want. this is why it is happening to me, making me crazy, making me feel so much fucking pain, so much worry. i am being punished. i deserve it, for i have done the same to the people i love, now, if only i was loved back. i kno i am cared for by many, but there are some who only pretend, in order to get what they want from me. oh, and i know about it! i cant let this happen! what the fuck is the matter with me?!what the fuck am i doing? its all my own fucking fault!god, someone help me. fuck no. nevermind. i dont need help. i can handle it. it my own mess, i goina clean it up then. fuck, how could i have let myself get fucked up like this? god dammit! god, i want to see him. i need to see him. but i can't. i kno what i'll see. hate, shame, fucking dissapointment. god, why isnt he ever there? fuck, it aint his fault. i should have gone to see him. it my fault. he very busy all the time, so i should have gone to see him. oh, but i cant now.
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Thursday, September 1, 2005

been hurting myself more and more it seems. not on purpose, ofcourse, but still fairly often. woke up today, and got a bump on my head, a bobo on my toe, a painfully burned up finger, and several scratches along the way. lol. now im blowing water out of my thumb(don't ask) and got really tired lately, but i'll be over it. odd tho, been getting plenty of sleep ever night(a little surprising?) having a great day. anyways, talk to yall laters
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Friday, August 26, 2005

beautiful is here!!!!!she here for she was pissed at me and now she waked me up and were goina have hot sex together in the shower. it goina be FUN!!! haha. yea. anyways, yupyup. we ate odd stuff that i made and is very good. adame think he be jealouse for our "secret" physical relationship. haha. don't worry, her body may be mine now but her heart ill always belong to you adame.
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Thursday, August 18, 2005

i've not cried in ages until then. i don't know what has come over me. i refuse to change in my own room. im scared of being alone. i can feel my friends sliping away from me to be with someone else. they do not know it, but i do, for i have seen it all way to many times before. i think i am falling out! i never thought that would happen, at least not this year! i think its having something to do with my being scared all the time now. i can't be walking outside without looking over my shoulder. i can't sleep without having checked all around me. i keep seeing it, replaying it in my head. it seems so real. i don't understand it! i am not scared of him! well, im not supposed to be scared of him. why can't i get the terrible thoughts from my head? they seem so real. like when you have a dream of falling, and wake up to realize you are fine. just like that, except i never wake up! i just keep falling! and i can see it alll the time! it wont leave me alone. i'm so scared. i don't want to be in the house alone, i don't want to be in my room or the basement at all. i hate this. there is nothing to fear bout him. for christs sake! he could be seeping mad and raging and i still would not be afraid of him. so why am i afraid of him now? no. im not afraid of him. im afraid of the way he has changed. for, someone like him could be very dangerouse without what he seemed always to have. he actually seemed to have lost it! i didn't think it was possible for him. i don't know what to think of him anymore! just another guy? no. other guys don't scare me half to death by just being normal. oh, i don't understand this! i have made a gravee mistake. i am now paying for it. i can take care of myself. i don't need anyones help or interfearance. i can do it all myself!
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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

i made odd yummy thingie. it very good. i have very simple ish day. still worried. gonna go on date with my beautiful girl tomorow. haha, kidding. not date, i no think. just gonna go hang out. cant wait. all hyper bout it. lol. byebyes people.
ps:sorry bout last post.
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Friday, August 5, 2005

what the fuck is your problem you fucking bastard! if i could i would erase you from my life completely! i feel as if you have stabbed a hundred knives through my heart, pulled them out and did it again and again until there was nothing of my heart left but a few drops of blood that had not yet escaped my body to be flung into the surrounding walls! why would you do that to me? you told me once you cared for me. thoses words came from your lips not 2 weeks ago! u have made me shamed to have ever known you. you have wounded me into thinking you are but the devil's spawn. a plague put upon this earth to torture only me, and for what reason? for loving. for loving my friends and family and making them apart of my world. for giving them each a small part of my heart, now wounded by your blades. i gave you a part of my heart, and you took the whole thing, and jumped on it! what have i done to you to make me feel as if death is the only way out? is that your mission? to make me take my own life? to deprive me of happiness and joy? well, you win. mission accomplished. goodbye everyone.
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Tuesday, August 2, 2005

my eyes are dying! all i can see is white! it sux! i just spent forever in a pool with nona *guess what we were doing^^hehe* and the chloreen killed my eyes majorly. then i got phones from shley and she is living in boxes. aparently she phone lex and mathew(i dunno, some guy) and they sound very much alike on phone. my lover is still off to join the army in a year and i think im getting depressed. i wanna kick old his ass for being such an ass. i shudnt call him old his, it aint dignified. i think for as long as it takes me to forgive him ill cal him mother fucking peice of shit fuck ass crap face. yea, i like that. it suits him. anyways, gonna go now. byebyes
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