Sunday, July 15, 2007

is everyon trying to hurt my happiness? you want to know something? i am miserable alot of the time. i still am the same person in many ways. i love the world and everything in it. i want to grow and learn and be better. even tho u gave everyone that little speech, greg, i still think josh is very much a man, and i admire so many things about him, and always will. and i have been told by one i hold very close to my heart, that he wants me to die. he wants me killed. i think that everyone should stop trying to hurt me, and hurt my heart, because when i read that little speech by greg, it made me feel nothing but pity for him. and when i read travis's post, i felt sadness, but not for myself. for him. i don't understand how they all fight so much against the natural flow of the universe. they fight so hard against happiness. i am truly happy that travis found his peace, or so i read. i have been praying for this for a very long time. and i keep hoping that one day greg will stop being so bitter, and will learn to be happy, and not to have to pick out everyone else's flaws to try and make himself feel like more of a man. the results are quite opposite, the way he is currently trying it. i still hold travis close to my heart, along with all my memories with him, and all my hopes for him in the futur. i still believe all the best things, the most admirable, and wonderful things of josh, whether or not greg agrees. and i am going to let thisd little bit of....annoyance out of my head and heart and onto this page, just so that i dont regret not saying it. greg, me and aaron have made some of the worst mistakes together, yea. maybe mom didnt hate you, but she wasnt very impressed by you either. she knew you were not someone who could keep me for long. everyone knew ythat. everyone except me, that is. so yea, me and aaron fucked up, and my mom now hates him. but guess what? its not what mom feels about him that matters most to me. its the fact that he makes me happy, even when we are fighting. its the fact that i dont have frequent thoughts of leaving him, even when i think i hate him. its the fact that unlike you, i can let him into my heart, like i did travis. he will never be the same to me as travis was, i dont think anyone ill. but he will be just as special. you didnt even get past the first wall. so just think about this. at least i have someone to make mistakes with.

i am not quite ready to grow up and keep all that kinda stuff to myself yet. and for once, i am hapoppy that i cant keep myself from being immature when it comes to speaking my mind about such things. because i know that it is not fair for me to say so, and that it is unnecisarry, but i guess being grown up it too subtle for greg to understand that him making excuses for whatever reason makes him look even more pathetic then he already does when he picks out other people's flaws. and u know what? ill bet you he is probably going to do nothing more then write a response saying how much of a bitch i am, and that i am lying, asnd all that shit. seriously, just wait. he wont think about the truth that lies in these words, or how to make himself better, or how to maybe try somethiung a little better then belittling everyone else. he will do exactly what he always does. so it is him i feel bad for. not aaron, who keeps making the dumbest mistakes ever. not travis, who wants me dead because his life is the shits, and thats how he wants to work it out. not josh, who broke greg's trust presumably. but greg. so fuck you, and have a good day!
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Thursday, July 12, 2007

we fight so very much, all the time, then make-up over something stupid, probably the same thing that started the fight. i am happy this way, though it hurts and it is more complicated. why do we fight so much? why do i hate you like mad some times, then it jsut goes away cuz i am crazy for you? why cant we just get along? well, ether way, i am quite happy. i hope you are too....
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Wednesday, July 4, 2007

y everyone always think i am being kidding or sarastic when i am not, and when i am, they think i am seriouse.
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Saturday, June 23, 2007

hey guess what everyone? i am not depressed. like everyone else i seem to be reading about. i do not want to cut myself, or kill myself. there are many problems in my life right now, but it doesw not stop me from being happy. i hope everyone else can get happy too, but my being happy is not going to make me feel guilt because nobody ese can seem to do it. i am happy. get used to it.
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Thursday, May 31, 2007

am i smiling? please tell me. no, i am not crazy, i simply cannot feel it. i cannot tell whether or not i am smiling. my body is numb. my mind is not smiling. my heart is not smiling. i was jsut wondering if my body was smiling. it would be good if my body would smile. when my body smiles, it doesn't make the other bodies stop smiling. they smile too. they smile because i smile. chain reaction?
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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

all i can hear is screaming. all i can feel is warm thick blood pooring out of my skin. all i can see is darkness. all i can think is how life will be even more beautiful after this, because of this. how amazing it will feel to have blood pumping from my heart into every part of my body. how enthralling the sensation of oxigen coming into my body. how beautiful life is, now that you're in the world
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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

la vie est belle, mais mauvaise en même temps. darkness makes the light seem brighter.
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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

SHARE DA LOVE^^
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Thursday, May 17, 2007

you are forgiven by everyone but yourself.......
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Wednesday, May 9, 2007

like is awesome. i am in chicago right now. missing my chocolate pudding as always. nothing interesting happening in my life right now. really excited. having so much fun. ha!
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