Friday, May 4, 2007

share the love with everyone in the world. do not inflict anger to the ones around you. do not bring them down. hold yourself up high, and pull them up with you. i pray that you are all able to keep your spirits up high, and i pray that for thoses of you who cannot, that you have someone there to help you lift yourself up.
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Monday, April 30, 2007

a young woman. pregnant. 17 years old. just found out. told him. he left. she stands with her swollen belly, trying to understand. she holds one hand over her belly, and one over her heart. feels like she is breaking. can the baby feel the pain too? he never loved her. she never loved him. broken promises. he did not want to throw his life away. he also did not want to use a condom. is the woman really in change? sweet words and soft touches, and she is convinced he will do her no harm. innocent play, soothing words, shameless kisses, and she is left. his footseps on the road, she, bleedingn. don't come back. he will come back. he will. she hopes not for it, but dreads it. she will learn to live and take care of them both. he will come back and apologize. they are always so very sorry. they are always so very regrertful of their mistakes. and then, they always make the same mistake again. she will break this cycle. he wil l come back. i miss you. i wil take care of you. i love you. please take me back. dont ever leave. please. im so sorry. i ove you so much please dont make me leave. leave, you fucking jerk! you motherfcuker, i hate you. you do not love me. you do not love this child. leave at once! ill call you when the kid is 18! he is left, heartbroken for a whkl.e. but happy later on. because what the young woman did, without realizing it, is make the man happy. he said sorry. he , in the end, did what society believes is right, and came back. he does not have the blame for not being there throughout the kid's life. the mother does. she made him leave a second time. ..........two years later, he left a young woman of 17, again. she missed her periode...
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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

whatever happens now, i know i have to act in a better way. i know i have to change and get better. it has nothing to do with you. i will get better. just please don't let me down.
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Friday, April 20, 2007

about 50% of you can answer the question i am thinking about. I wanted it to be much less then that. You say u are sorry, but the you do the same thing over again. i am completely ignored by the one i wish would pay attention to me. and you, you finally have given me a little peace. i can tell all of you for sure that you do not understand. except for maybe one of you. but i have not stared into your warm but freezing black eyes in so long. i have not seen you in so long. it scares me to think it will be long still before i get to talk to you again or see you. thank you for not forgetting me...

she is doing, once again, what she thinks is right. she is hoping for what she thinks is best, or what she thins will make her the happiest. i only hope that nothing goes too wrong this time. i miss her, even though i don't think she would believe me if i told her so....

i have not felt this way in a long time. i fell for it again. more stupidly this time. i don't know what to believe. i don't want to believe that that is the reason for it. i really hope it is not the reason for this friendship. but what if it is? why do i know i would not be in any way surprised? and why does that bother me so? i do not want it to be that way again. it always has been that way. thirteen! that is one more then twelve. no fucking duhh, i guess u are thinking. but you do not understand. none of you fucking understand and i am fucking happy of that fact! can u tell i am happy? you motherfucking jerk. i sincearly hope i am wrong on this, because i really did think this one was different. there has been one that i do not regret. i want mine back to yesterday. i do not want to be right. i kiss the air for a passing crow and talk more to myself then anyone else. i sing now, to have something to concentrate on other then this. i tell myself this is differnt. i do not know now if i believe it. i just want you to see me but you don't. you have not spoken to me in how long? you did not look at me. you have any idea how hard it was hitting me? how much it hurt? i have never been this way since then. i hate the fact that i cannot hate you. i miss you so much. i continue to pray, talk to crows and trees and any living thing near me other then humans. if you want to know my deepest secret, you have no farther to look but the sky, or the earth, or the passing crows. i am so sorry...
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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

there is nothing to explain. so many of you. even my chocolate pudding. i don't care about drugs, and if u say u like the pain, then fine. i don't give a shit anymore. i am not going to let you ruin my life.

i gave a book to my chocolate pudding. i hope he likes it. he got to page 100 yesterday and said it was pretty good, but i8 mean i hope he likes what it turns into. it kinda weird book, but i still love it.

i think i like it better when u cannot see me, or read my eyes or my body. it is the way mot of the time, except for sometimes greg, and more often my chocolate pudding. i always keep my guard up now, but i try not to with chocolate pudding. its hard tho. once your guard is up, its hard to let it down again.

i really hope it doesn't happen. my mom right now, and my dad. in the kitchen maybe? i wonder if i am brought up by either of them right now. coffee? crying? scared? whatever. doesn't matter. asked me what i thought of it. said i don't know. said i will do wahatever you decide.

you say that u understand. u ask if i know yet. you do not understand. am i pregnant? have i ever been high? drunk? am i making it into a habit? if i am not pregnant, am i sexually active? do i skip school without you knowing? do i go to the bureau twenty minutes after class begins and tell them i am late, and to change it on the sheet? then just stay out? where am i going at lunch today? will i be at school? do i actually have drivers after shool? where am i going after? is it actually two hours long? or am i just telling u that? what doo i do when u are at work? what do i not tell my best friend? do i have secrets? can u answer any of these questions surely? do you know the real answers? or are u jsut guessing? u sure what i tell you is the truth? u sure i have never been drunk? do you nowq what i did last night? was i really asleep in my bed? what color are my eyes? do i ever wear contacts? why am i wearing glsasses? is it because my eyes jsut became blind? or did i make them that way on purpose? did i wear my grampa's glasses every day, to make my eyes go bad? did my brother spray windex in my eyes when i was a kid? why am i weraring long sleeves so much lately? have you checked? did police come to my house to look for drugs or knives? did they find anything? do i have a knife of my own? if the police did come, did they take it? did i use it? where is my family today? can u stop telling me understand? because i can guarentee that u did not answer even half of theses right, unless maybe u are my chocolate pudding, and even he did not answer all of these right. why do i only talk to him? do i have secrets from him aswerll?
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Monday, April 9, 2007

i can't breath. i can't cry or fuck or scream or anything. you don't understand. none of you know. i am hapopy that way. you think u are the only one keeping secrets? maybe i should follow greg's example. drugs the answer? getting high? ha. fuck you. leave me the fuck alone and stop touching me! i hate when u touch me. i hate it so much just stop taking to me and telling me u know and u understand. it is none of your fucking buisness. you motherfucker!!!!
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Sunday, April 1, 2007

i think i may have liked it when i was in ignorance. now it just straight out hurts, without chance of hope. either way, i think letting myself hope in this matter now would be even more painful.....
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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

its not even funny how pathetic it is. i look at it, ever time. i only do it for one reason. always avoiding me. its so pathetic, it really make me want to cry. i hate you and i hate this and just leave me alone.
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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

de does not understand the hiding. not that many do. it is unspoken between us. always unspoken.
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Saturday, March 17, 2007

i really hope everything is okay....
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