Thursday, March 8, 2007

have courage my soul, and let us journey on. though the night is dark, and i am far from home. thanks be to god , the morning light appears. the storm is passing over. the storm is passing over. the storm is passing over hallelu.
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he no likeses me that way no mores. that makes me smiles. we are and have been and will be best friends. that makes things easier. an you know what? i am going to be shaking tomorow. that iwll make me happy in a weird way. whatever. byes!
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Wednesday, March 7, 2007

this day has just been fucking amazing and a can hardly fucking believe it! i just dont fucking kno what to say, for real. i am fucking close to crying it has been so fucking awesome and amazing and i am fucking crazy now fuc! i actually said something mean and judgemental and horrible about a teacher! i got so fucking angry and so fucking messed up i actually saied something really bad about her and now i am just giddy beyond all means its fucking amazing and i fucking love it. either way, doesnt fucking matter now does it! holy fuck! i am so fucking happy! omg! i love you all!
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Tuesday, March 6, 2007

now i know what he meant by push him away. i fucking know now. is this the lesson
/ is this what i am supposed to learn? i want you to fucking push me away and feel the fucking pain now! i dont want to feel it later! i trust people too fucking easy and i get hurt too fucking easy and i just fucking hate this! i jsut dont know what to do i am so mixed up. you know what? drink! and fucking cut! and get high and sleep aro8nd! you can do it. so can i , you motherfucker. i just dont know what to say. i want is to happen so badly. i want you to hurt me. i want you to push me away and just leave me alone. nothing has happened yet, and still, i am hurting. nothing will happen, and still i am hurting.i just do not know.

he is my comfort. he is the one i lean on. you tell me you are always there for me. you all say this. i do not want to lean on you. i want to lean on him. and i do. he does not even know it. i keep getting hurt. it doesnt fucking matter. i tried to be happy. it didnt work. i leaned on him. before this, i leaned on him. i wore him on me. i took comfort from his presence. his memories. i take comfort from his smile. his name. i dont know what to do now....i am loosing them both. my present and futur. i am loosing them both. the only one that remains is my past. you cannot take away my past. it is mine. the memories are mine to do with what i will. you cannot take away that small comfort. that vital part of me. i dont know how i would have done without that part of me. without thoses many thoughts. without that reserve of smiles and happiness. without that comfort. that luxury that i am so very lucky to have within me.


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how can i keep going when it is so hard to keep on it? this hurts so much. not just you. you mother fucking jerk! i am fucking tired of trying! but i do it anyway! i cant tell if leaving is what i really should do.....i dont want to leave. you can go to fucking hell!!!
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Sunday, March 4, 2007

everything gets worse and worse. why can't you just for once understand that you hurt me? ad that you contiunue to do so every single time you make me realize that u never knew me.....you realy just don't understand......there are worse things coming at least i hope so. i am going to try and be happy. i m going to try and work everything out for me. not for you, because when i tried to do things for you, it ended up being something that just made everythng go wrong. it made me so miserable to make you happy. i hate the fact that that was the only thing i could do to make you happy. it is simply not mart to put someone like you, who is thinking much about physical closeness, with someone broken and looking for anyone who they can put their trust into. do yo not realize that you broke my trust when that happened? i put so much trust in you. i should not have. i should nver have done that. ever. i triedto makae you happy. you should have never even asked for that thing to make you happy. youbroke me, aND I WAS ALERADY BROKENN! i just don't know what t o do anymore. i think, thanks to aaron, and greg, i am starting to understand that yea, if i trust anyone, that trust will be broken, but also, thoses particular feelings, that hapiness, and that closness, is sometimes worth it. when? that is for each individual person to decide. that closeness, that happiness, comes only afater a huge leep of faith. a huge gamble. i think, i know thi, and always have. to tell you the truth, i was not ready at all for what happened. not in any awy. you should have known hat. it was proven when i went bac to travis. and still, it happened again. ithink we were both in denial. in a little dream land. i made up thoses feelings for you, to try and get over thoses feelings for travis. i know now that thoses feeling proably araen't ever going away, and that everyone else was right. i am going to try and do what is right for me now. im sorry if i issed up your life. and im sorry if i am not giving up my own life for yours or anyoneelse's anymore. but i just want to be happy. i know i am being very selfish, and i know i am going to cause so many more problems. ou can keep asking my friends for whatever you want to know about me, but i doubt you will find out very much, for i have very few friends that i talk to. and the ones i really do talk to, i trust. no offfense or anything, but the few friends i do trust dont really like you, and it has nothing to do with me. so please stop blaming everything on me. i am not blaing everything on you. i know in my mind i really di think i had thoss feeling for you. but please try and understand. if they ever were there for real, they are no longer there now. so just please stop. you have hurt me, just as much, maybe more, then i have hurt you. you are not the only one who hada his happen at a really bad time. we both lost someone we loved at that time.you dont understand half f what i was going through and knew about even less. you think that i told you alot? i didn't. dont take that personally. i dont tell anybody everything. i cat help but hide things. but i am learning. i am telling you this now, araent i? you dont know any of it, but i have been doing nothing but trying to protect you. thoses people who keep telling me they want to talk to you to make all of it stop,l i am the one who is fighting so hard for thm to let me dael with it. i am trying not to hurt you more. i am keeping away so much more pain rfom you. why cant you just please trust me for once and believe it? just please, try and stop doiong what u are doing and just leave it be? it hrts too fucking uch to try and still be protecting you, while trying to protect myself. because evrythnig of mine, and of several other poeple, inclusing you, having to hide all of that, its kinda starting to gete a little hard to do on my own. so please, just stop. actually, i dont care. stop, or continue, that is yur choice. i dont care. but i am not going to deal with it anymore. i am goiong to mve on, and hope you do the same. because i have alot more things i have to deal wit now. and you know what? even with all the rest of that in which i need to deal with, i am still going to be selfish as all hell, and tr to be happy. opefully, soon, if everything goes wel, there will be alot more foryou to be angry at me for anyways. i wll be ruining youtr life in a bunch of new way. if it were me, would get over it. i know, because it has been one to me before. except only worse. probably about one hundred times worse, by the looks of it. but about the same even. so ot, not that much worse. and i delt with it vgery well. i got over it fast, and it hurt, but i accepted it and was verey very happy aboput it in the end. it still brings up a little bit of awkwardness when i hear of it, but t is okay. you will not handle it the same as me. to you, it will be the end of may things. hopefully not your life, because yu seem to be a little bit dramatic about that. and i will not blame you for it, o even judge you, because i know i hav a tendency to hide things alot, wich might be why i hadled it so well. i am not the same person as you. not even clse. so i kno u will not hndle it well. but like i said. i refuse to put other people's happiness before mine anymore. sometimes it is necissary. but f the choice right now is either my happiness, or everyone else's. i am seriously goiong to choose mine. i have tried to make evryone else happy for long enough. call me a bitch or a whore. warn me not to get pregnant too soon. whatevere you want to do. i dont care. but i am not going to sacrifice myself again and again just to try and make yo happy. so. if u actually read this, then i am warning you, it will probably get worse before it gets better. and in your mind, it will pobably never gte better. because you just cant seem t o find anything good about life, so what does it matter? it jsut seems to hard for you to think of anything other then how3w horrible life is. so it will pronbaly jsut get wore anad worse until you die. oops, did that sound a little bitter?
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Saturday, March 3, 2007

i am not going to be home for the rest of the weekend, i am going to lizbef's. so yea, hope everyone has a good weekend^^
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Friday, March 2, 2007

much harder to hide now.....
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Thursday, March 1, 2007

numb......?maybe just confused.......not talking to me.........haven't for a while......maybe it seem like a long time because of......whatever......bye.
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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

je suppose que la vie ne vas jamais etre expliquee. ca ne fait rien comment de question que je damande, ils ne sont preceque jamais repondues! je ne sais pas quoi faire....

blue. tis the color of Her beauty. She is very beautiful. So is he. i always wonder if i am stupid to try and listen to what is happening inside my head and my heart. try to recognize and follow my instincts. i know i am doing the right thing right now. i am living the way i wanted to. alone. i am figuring things out well, and i am going to get somewhere, and everything will pay off. what i am confused by is, should i be listening to the warning or betrayal? or the warning of concequences? i just don't know.


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